Zoostuck 3

You're going to pry open his nose

You're going to pry open his nose

You are going to communicate through his nose. There is probably some sort of 4-armed, 3-legged lizard language to English translator in there

Or you could just use one of those fortune teller things everybody used in like, the fifth grade

> Play Oregon Trail

sweep the leg!

You're going to pry open his nose

You decide to take the direct approach and simply force open the human's nose so he can hear you. After all, you have twice as many hands as he does. You pry his hands off and, just to be sure, pull on his nostrils before yelling into them that you would like directions back to your planet-ship.

The human gets an uncomfortable expression on his face and then passes out. This is not going well. You may need a different approach.

Or you could just use one of those fortune teller things everybody used in like, the fifth grade

Fortune teller thing? You have never heard of such a device. But, now that you think about it, you do have a portable prophecy-maker! You had completely forgotten about it because you thought it was malfunctioning when it prophesied that you would get lost and be unable to find your way back to the planet-ship. That was almost as ridiculous as the prophecy that the universe would be rewritten by a talentless hack.

Well, considering you have no other source of information, you might as well use it. You ask the device for a prophecy.

> Play Oregon Trail

The device gives you a prophecy that you will play Oregon Trail. Well, that was useless! Oregon isn't even in the universe any more, although you aren't sure how you know that or that it ever was. You're not going to find your way back to the planet-ship this way, let alone inadvertently drag this human with you to the surface so he can be launched out of a catapult to the moon.

You are now someone in Oregon, despite the fact that Oregon no longer exists in this universe. Who are you and how did this happen?

You're Chwoka

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You're on a polygonal meteorite made of iron ore

on track to collide with the moon

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You are white hipster garbage.

You're Chwoka

You are white hipster garbage.

Hey, there's no need to be redundant here.

Anyways, yeah, you're Chwoka, and you're in Oregon, which doesn't exist any more. But somehow, you're still here.

You've worked out that the universe has been rewritten, and not by your pal Loather taking over. Unfortunately, your location in this universe doesn't make any sense.

You're on a polygonal meteorite made of iron ore

on track to collide with the moon

Namely, the nonexistent Oregon you're in seems to be on an iron meteorite, and you will punch the first person who makes a crack about irony. You're headed towards the moon, for some reason that's beyond your understanding and probably doesn't make any sense anyways.

Well, whatever the reason for your inconsistent state of existence, you'll probably get some idea of what to do when you hit the moon. Or you'll die on impact. Either way, you're just passing time while you wait.

But how are you going to do that?


You already did! You should update that sometime. You know, if anyone could see it. They can't, because you're in a state that doesn't exist.

Then again, it sounds more fun than playing Oregon Trail and immediately winning for the fiftieth time. Maybe you'll do that anyways for kicks.

You are now Bud Muckman, International Archivist and you're pretty sure your twenty-four hours have been up for a long while now. You're also pretty sure you aren't supposed to be in this universe at all.

What are you going to do?

We've asked that question many times

We've also asked 'when did consistency become zoostuck'

ayoli

"ayoli"? Shoot, that must have been the password you were trying to remember. Well, you don't see how you ever would have guessed that, except by pure luck. Not that it does you any good now, you're not even in the same universe as that computer system any more.


Yes! The best way to get out of an unfamiliar universe is to just run! Run, run, keep running! Don't stop until you're home!

Or you hit a wall. In retrospect, maybe it would have been better to start your run outside. And also to watch where you're going.

Turn into a tornado!

Maybe it's just the concussion from the wall you just ran into, but you think you could escape this universe faster if you were a tornado. And all you need to do to be a tornado is to spin fast enough!

You spin around and around, getting dizzier and dizzier, and eventually you go fast enough to either be a tornado or collapse on the floor in a heap.

It's the latter, actually, but by sheer chance a tornado is heading your way now. You have just enough coherence as you stagger to your feet to think that maybe you should do something. You reach into your pocket and pull out the one thing that might help you.

A number three with no pickles.

A large plastic number 3. You don't remember why you thought it was a good idea to pick this up. At least you got all the pickles off of it.

Futilely, you hold it up towards the advancing tornado. In a complete shock, it stops at the window. You have the strange feeling that it's waiting for you to say something.

I'm trying to make friends, but whenever I make physical contact, they get blasted about ten yards away!

You promptly tell it about your struggles to live your life when physically repelling everyone you know. The tornado seems sympathetic, and bends in closer, as if offering you a ride.

You step in. Maybe it knows a way out of this universe.

You wonder if your new friend has a name.

Eatocolilphs

You decide to call it Eatocolilphs, if it's okay with that. It doesn't seem to object, and starts speeding forward.

WARP ELEVEN

It zooms ahead at intense speeds, breaking free from this universe and carrying you with it. Where you will emerge, you do not know.

You are now Jogh Edgebert. A tornado is attempting to break free from your perfect universe. This is a clear violation of your authority.

How will you quash this futile rebellion?

With TM60

only with the most advanced Viagra-based technology

Insurmountable Paperwork

Take it for your own.

With TM60

Ah, yes, Turkey Mountain 6.0, the latest application you had your scientists devise to do whatever you want to do. This should make controlling the borders of this dimension simple. But what obstacle are you going to throw in the way of the tornado?

Insurmountable Paperwork

Perfect. An endless pile of transdimensional immigration paperwork should slow that tornado down while you think of a more permanent way to deal with it.

Take it for your own.

Ah, of course! You could have your very own tornado. That seems like a suitable punishment. You slip in a contract that the tornado will have to sign granting you full ownership of it. This is the perfect plan.

You are now a piece of paperwork. You have to stop a tornado from crossing into another universe. You hate your job and want to quit, but you're not the right form for that.

What are you going to do?

Find the form that allows you to file for a petition against proper paperwork

Wouldn't it be emigration paperwork if they want to leave? Realize you are not suited for this task.

resign

Wouldn't it be emigration paperwork if they want to leave? Realize you are not suited for this task.

According to the coolest guy in the universe, who is also its undisputed master, immigration paperwork is what's needed here. Unfortunately, mere semantics aren't much help against absolute power.

Find the form that allows you to file for a petition against proper paperwork

Unfortunately, the undisputed master of the universe has full control over all petitions, and he finds paperwork too useful a tool for maintaining his undisputedness. Especially since he doesn't have to bother with any of it.

So while you might be able to file such a petition, it wouldn't matter how many signatures you can gather and ow the tornado just signed you! That smarts.

resign

It suddenly occurs to you that if you can't quit, you can be terminated by having a second signature, making you invalid. Quickly, you snatch the tornado's pen and scrawl another signature on yourself.

You are now invalid, and the tornado's application status is uncertain. The tornado is sent to the interdimensional limbo to have this sorted out.

You are now the champion of interdimensional limbo. A tornado just showed up in your realm and clearly it wants to challenge you for the title.

What will you demand it give you when it inevitably loses?

The secret of spinjitsu

The power to blow like a champion