Pete the Peasant's Alphabet Funtime

Hello everyone! I'm Pete the Peasant! I'm here to tell you all about the Kingdom of Turnipland! Our King is a great and wise and just ruler and we have to do everything he says, and we certainly don't only call him great and wise and just because that's what he says to do and... wait, does anyone else hear horses?

CRASH!

Ow. Oh dear. It seems I was standing in the way of a company of His Majesty's knights, and now he's rather upset with me. So I've been summoned to the castle. This will be an excellent chance to show you our King's justice!

"Attention, peasant! You will bow in the presence of His Majesty, King Turnip XVII!"

Oh, yes. Bowing. Very important. Excuse me a moment.

"Pete the Peasant! This is not the first time you have been summoned before me."

Ah. No, it isn't, Sire. And may I say I'm very honored that you remembered my name...

"Silence! I have decided upon your sentence for disrupting my knights."

And this is the medieval justice system! The King decides if you're guilty or not, and then he decides how to punish you if you are. It's very efficient, as you can see. I wonder what my sentence will be?

"You are to spend three months in the dungeon, under the supervision of Terence the Torturer."

And now we see the other part of the justice system: the appeals process! Pardon me a moment.

Please, oh wise and benevolent King! I beg of you, show mercy on me!

"Hmm. Perhaps."

Oh, this is a good sign. He's thinking about it. He must have been impressed with the way I cleaned out the royal stables with my tongue last week.

"I have made a decision. I will spare you from the dungeon if you can complete the task I set before you by sundown."

And what might this task be, oh glorious King?

"You, Pete the Peasant, must teach all the boys and girls out there about the Alphabet. Succeed in this task, and I shall grant you a full pardon. Dismissed!"

Well, that went better than expected. I just need to teach all of you about the alphabet. Won't that be fun?

Now if only I knew what this "alphabet" thing was. Where do you suppose I could find that out?

SpoilerShow

This is part of The Write Stuff contest. Genre is Medieval and Children's.

Peasants don't read. What are you, clergy? Find your punk ass a priest, stat.

Alphabet, eh? Maybe the blacksmith would know. Children need to learn to use tools early, maybe the king has some new "alphabet" plowshare in mind!

Um... Isn't that alchemist guy kind of smart?

>Go talk to the court mage! He probably knows a thing or two.

Sounds like Gambling to me!

Maybe it's like the bible!

SpoilerShow

THREE MONTHS DUNGEON.

> Make it up as you go. It's probably like one of those new fangled hide and seek games.

You can probably find something about it in the Town Square. Perhaps by the fountain!

Peasants don't read. What are you, clergy? Find your punk ass a priest, stat.

Maybe it's like the bible!

Ah, of course! God always has the answers! I should discuss this with a priest, surely he will be able to guide me.

And, oh look! Here comes the Abbott from the monastery on the outskirts of town. He must be here to discuss something of importance with the King. I'll see if I can get a quirk word with him first.

Pardon me, Father! Might I be able to trouble you for a moment of your time?

"Ah, Pete, my son. Good day to you. I was about to petition the King for a donation towards the repair of our bell."

Oh... er, yes, I am sorry about that, Father... My leg is much better now, though!

"The Lord forgives you, my son. But you seem troubled. What is the matter?"

Ah. Might I ask you what the alphabet is?

"A very interesting question, child! The alphabet is a set of 'letters', which are used to form 'words'. We in the clergy need to know it in order to read God's words in the bible."

Oh my! This is awfully confusing for my feeble peasant mind. Could you give me an example of one of these "letters", Father?

"Well, hmm. Let's start at the beginning. The first letter is A. And my title, Abbott, starts with an A!"

Ah, I think I see now. So A is for Abbott!

*ding*

You have taught the children about the letter A!
1/26 letters taught!

I'm not sure what exactly that noise was, or where these children I'm teaching are, but it seems I've taught one letter now! Thank you, Father!

"Bless you, my child. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must speak to King Turnip. May God be with me..."

Well, I suppose I should go and teach the next letter now. If only I knew what it was! Perhaps I should have asked the Abbott for the rest, but oh well, he's far too busy now. Where should I go to seek the next letter?

Maybe at the Blacksmith's, like you were thinking of earlier. Perhaps he might enlighten you on the metals and alloys he uses.

> You should go teach the first letter to Barry the Barbarian. That guy could totes use some educationing. And who knows, he might even have a letter for you?

Check out the local apiarist!

Make puns.

Check out the local apiarist!

Make puns.

>Yes. Everybody loves your honey puns! They're pretty sweet.

Get thee to a bakery!

> You should go teach the first letter to Barry the Barbarian. That guy could totes use some educationing. And who knows, he might even have a letter for you?

Ah, yes. Barry the Barbarian. We've crossed paths before, and it was rarely pleasant.

But perhaps if I impart this knowledge upon him, he will be impressed with my intellect and be indebted to me! But where might I find him?

Maybe at the Blacksmith's, like you were thinking of earlier. Perhaps he might enlighten you on the metals and alloys he uses.

Ah, of course. Barry's battleaxe requires regular sharpening, so he visits the blacksmith often. He might be there right now! To the blacksmith's!

Yes, here's Barry! It looks like he's just sharpened up his battleaxe! Good day, Barry the Barbarian!

"Rrrngh. What did I tell you I'd do the next time I saw you, peasant?"

Er... I forget the exact words, but I believe it involved "pain" and "suffering"?

"That sounds about right. Besides, I've got this newly sharpened axe to try out."

Wait! I have something important to tell you first!

"And what might that be?"

A is for Abbott!

"How very interesting. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a beating to deliver."

A is for Altercation!!

"What the hell's an Altercation?"

I don't know, but it starts with an A!

"Yeah? Well, Mister Smarty-Pants, it so happens that I know a letter, too. B is for Battleaxe!"

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh, the pain!

But at least I know that B is for Battleaxe now!

You have taught the children about the letter B!
2/26 letters taught!

Now I can start looking for the next letter. But first, I need to get out of this Altercation! How can I do that, boys and girls?

Clonk him on the cranium with some copper!

Clonk him on the cranium with some copper!

What? I'm baffled.

I think I can only use commands in this Altercation if I know what letter they start with! And I only know two letters.

Bonk him in the brainpan with some bronze!

Easy!

Apologize.

Go bother the castle Chef.

Attack! Abuse an arse adroitly!

(or, yes, apologise.)

>Bleed abundantly.

Easy!

Apologize.

Ah, yes! A is for Apology!

I'm sorry for disturbing you, Barry the Barbarian! I'll stay out of your way from now on!

"Be quiet! I don't like your face, at least not until it's been smashed in some more."

Well, it appears that he's not open to a peaceful resolution. This may call for another approach.

Bonk him in the brainpan with some bronze!

Oh! There's a piece of bronze ore on the ground here!

B is for Bronze!

"What do you think you're doing, peasant? Are you going to throw that at me or something?"

Well... Yes.

*BONK*

That seems to have knocked him out. Now I can search for the next letter! But where?

Go bother the castle Chef.

I suppose the King's cook might know something, but I don't think it would go over well if I returned to the castle without finishing my quest first. What should I do?

Ask for help from the Burglar, he knows all of the secret entranceways into the Castle.