You Are About 10 Seconds Away From Execution By Firing Squad

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DEATHS 1-5

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Spoiler

Title by Wheeeeeeatthins, as seen here
Written by DragonFogel
Illustrated by MalkyTop



You are facing the firing squad.



Before issuing the order to fire, the general or captain or whoever (you're not entirely sure of his rank) asks the squad just who the heck you are, anyways. He needs your name to fill out some form or another later.

So, what is your name?

Clark Kent.

Yes! Your name is Clark Kent! That means you're Superman, and hence bulletproof! You can just wait for them to fire...




Oh, wait. I guess you were just some other guy named Clark Kent, who isn't bulletproof. Too bad.

BAD END

Reloading from saved game...

Your plot armor will protect you. Tell them go ahead and shoot.

That didn't work out so well.

BAD END

Reloading from saved game...

>After telling him your name, abruptly moon him then run like hell.

He really didn't appreciate that. Maybe another approach is in order.

BAD END

Reloading from saved game...

>Colonel Aureliano Buendía

Your name is Colonel Aureliano Buendia.



The general (or whoever) seems satisfied. He begins. "Ready... Aim..."



Wait, what's this?

>Get saved by your brother, with a shotgun.

It's your brother! He has come to save you!





Too bad he's outgunned.



Well, time to finish this up... What? The prisoner has escaped!



Your brother's sacrifice has bought you time to escape. You are saddened by his death, but there is no time to mourn. Where will you run to?

behind the wall - it's so obvious, they won't even think to look there!

You quickly double back and hide behind the wall, it seems the firing squad is still getting its bearings after your escape.



They'll never find you here!



Uh-oh.



It appears there was a slight flaw in that plan.

BAD END

Reloading from last save...

> Run into a Sharp Objects Inc. Building and miraculously survive with wounds over only 85% of your body!

That could probably have gone better.

Hay que recordar aquella tarde remota en que tu padre te llevó a conocer el hielo.

Oh, man. Yeah, that was the worst vacation ever. You'd rather face a firing squad and run through a factory filled with sharp objects than ever do that again.

Recall said vacation further.

You concentrate harder, and the memories come flooding in.



Separated from your father and brother, you found yourself all alone. You certainly would have died from hypothermia, if not for...



Wait... You actually can't remember how you survived that.



Oh. Um, apparently, you didn't and you've spent the last ten minutes or so hallucinating about growing up and trying to escape from a firing squad.

BAD END

Reloading from last save...

Realize you dropped your <essential plot object> in the sharp objects factory and run back in to get it...

...leaving with more wounds that luckily only cover 5% more of your body.

That's right! You left your precious pocket watch in there! You've been told that hidden within it is the key to toppling the corrupt regime that rules this land!



Well, there's no choice but to go back in and get it.




You are NEVER going back in there.

now try to hide in the dynamite and gunman factory

Except it's on fire. And all the gunmen are dead. And it's owned by the military.

You decide to run through another building. You don't have time to see what it is, but it's not like it can be any worse than the other one.




Goddammit.



Well, somehow you survived that, and you didn't lose your pocket watch. But now what are you going to do?

DEATHS 6-9

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Spoiler

Flee anywhere but in the direction of your executors!

Good idea. You start fleeing in a random direction.


Which, apparently, is straight up.


This is just getting ridiculous now.


Despite the lack of air, the intense pressure, and the freezing cold of space, you seem to be fine, though.


Znork flacter balak tog. Goza illik tig nai?


Zaka! Tuzo vin kador!


Zogos narda votzen ku.


Zok latza toros mik.

Um. I'm not sure exactly what happened to the translation there, but it looks like you not only died on impact, you managed to screw up the Martian version of this adventure too. Nice going.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

> Take a helmet and a rifle. Act casual.

Sunglasses too. Or failing that, just rub some ashes around your eyes.

You decide that a disguise is in order. You take a helmet and rifle from one of the numerous gunmen killed in the explosion.


You try to find some sunglasses to disguise your face better, but it seems those were all blown up or something. So you rub some ashes around your eyes instead.


Uh-oh. Here they come. Better hope your disguise works.


You greet the general, or whoever. You're still not sure of his rank, so you just call him Sir as much as you can. You tell him the prisoner died in the explosion.


The General seems pleased. It looks like your bluff worked!


Oh no! He took your pocket watch! Does he realize its importance?


"Wow! A MacGuffin brand pocket watch! I've always wanted one of these!"


"All right, men. You heard him, the prisoner's dead. Our work here is done."


"Good work. Just, um... keep doing what you're doing."


Well. You've technically escaped from the firing squad, but you really need that watch back. What will you do?

>Chase him and tell him the watch was actually a prototype dynamite watch from the factory

Run up to him, you've got to tell him that it's a cheap knockoff; most likely going to catch on fire, as fakes are wont to do.

Perhaps you can convince the General that the watch will be a danger to him.



You tell him that you're pretty sure the watch is explosive and/or flammable.



The watch suddenly bursts into flames.



Then it explodes spectacularly.



You are dead, again. At least this time you took the General down with you.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

Follow behind the officer very closely, and if he notices, simply say you are quite concerned for his safety in this strange, explosive times we live in.

You decide to just follow him.



He turns around suddenly, and asks what you're doing.



"Uh... er... I'm just concerned for your safety, sir. These are strange, and occasionally explosive, times we live in."



He tells you to go away and not bother him.

>"Excuse me sir, but before you go, can you tell me the time?"

"Yes, right away, sir. But before that, can you tell me the time?"



"Let's see... it's about..."

>YOINK!

"Oh, I'll just check it for myself!"



Well, you've got the watch back, but the firing squad is after you again. Now what?

> "Jump" into nearby canyon; really catch the edge and slip into a hole in the canyon wall.

You run towards the canyon's edge.



Desperate to escape, you jump off!


"There's no way he could have survived that. What a shame, that was a really nice watch."


"Well, back to work, men. There's nothing more for us to do here.


That was close. They seem to have lost interest. Now you just need to pull yourself up...


Whoops! Your pathetic stick-arm couldn't support your body's weight this long.


You crash at the base of the cliff and die.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

While you run, shout out the time. Perhaps this will quell the General's anger.

Maybe the General just wants to know what time it is?


You tell him that it is 3:17 PM.


That didn't work. Perhaps another approach is in order.

>Shoot back at them while running!

Oh, right. You have a gun, too.


You shoot as you run. You're not a very good shot, but at least it seems to be confusing them a bit.


You keep running.



GODDAMMIT YOU WERE NEVER GOING TO COME BACK HERE ARRGH


Actually, that wasn't so bad. The first two times gave you a pretty good idea of the layout. In fact, you feel better than ever!


The General and his men weren't so lucky.

> Examine your inventory/ possessions in case you're actually carrying some useful items.

Looks like you've got some time before they regain their bearings, so you decide to check your inventory.


Well, that was a waste of time. There's no way anything here could possibly help you escape! Where did you even get all this junk?


You've still got some time to come up with a plan. What will you do?

> Use the question mark.

You decide to use the question mark.



The question mark turns out to be... another firing squad!


They shoot you immediately.

BAD END

Reloading from saved game...

Steadily dump it out behind you to slow them down. Like caltrops.

Might as well. This junk is only weighing you down, at least this way it can be useful.


It seems to be working! You've got some time now, what should you do next?

>Place welcome mat over a hole conveniently in the path that they will chase you along. But only holes large enough to be hard for them to get out of.

Funny, you don't remember seeing this when you ran by here in the other direction.


You decide to make use of it anyways, before continuing to run.


Excellent! That should keep them busy for a while.


Or not. Maybe that hole wasn't as big as you thought.

Very simple plan. Run towards them and arrest them for breaking and entering an off-limits factory that was clearly marked. And of course I didn't enter it, how then could I be without a scratch?

You have an idea.


"You there! What were you doing in the Sharp Objects Factory? Didn't you see the sign?"
"But... we were chasing you..."


"Don't be ridiculous! Do I look like I just went through a Sharp Objects Factory? There isn't a scratch on me!"


You march the trespassing criminals over to the nearest jail.


"These men are guilty of trespassing! Lock them up at once, and execute them in the morning!"


You can't believe that worked.


"Wait a minute... We can't execute these guys! They're our own firing squad! Who would we get to shoot them?"


Huh. Guess it didn't work so well after all.

What next?

DEATHS 10-15

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Spoiler

>Be the firing squad

You are now the firing squad.





You tell the guards to free your hands and give back your guns, then you shoot the escaping prisoner.



That takes care of him.



You are now Colonel Aureliano Buendia again, and you are dead.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

> Charlie! Don't wind that watch Charlie! You can never come baaaaack.

What? Why did that pop into your head? Your name isn't Charlie.



Winding the watch strikes you as a perfectly harmless thing to do, though, even if it won't help you immediately.



Hey! What's happening?





You shift through time and space, seeing many ways you could have died had you done something differently.



Finally, you stop. You seem to have escaped the firing squad, but you have no idea where you are.



Uh-oh... What's that?





You have been stepped on a Tyrannosaurus Rex, possibly in the course of one of his daily conversations with a Dromiceiomimus and Utahraptor. You are now dead. Again.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

>Run in a circle until you are behind them,than chase them for fleeing the prison

You decide to turn the situation around.



Literally. You run behind your pursuers.



"Where do you think you're going? Get back to the prison, now!"



"There he is! We found the escapee! Get ready to fire!"
Oh, great. They sent another firing squad to look for you.





Well, this doesn't look good. What are you going to do now?

> Wind the watch back just a little.

You have a strange feeling that you don't want to wind the watch back very far, but winding it back a little won't hurt, will it?





What's this? You seem to be in your own past! This must be back when you took that horrible vacation and got lost!



Fortunately, while you don't remember exactly how you got out of there, you do remember your father showing you a map afterwards in case it happened again. You lead your younger self out of the blizzard.



You come across a small cottage. You should be able to warm up inside, and maybe even call your father.



A kindly old woman opens the door, and tells you to come in immediately.



She sets you by a roaring fire, and wraps you in warm blankets.



And, um. More blankets. Just in case.



And even more blankets... You're starting to feel a little too warm now.



Fortunately, the kindly old woman seems to have run out of blankets. She offers you some steaming hot cocoa this time instead.



You aren't sure if this is a good idea, but you just don't find yourselves able to say 'no' to that kindly old smile. You drink the cocoa.



Unfortunately, it seems you've warmed up too fast, and your bodies were unable to handle the rapid change in temperature. You both die.

This also creates a paradox, since your younger self died as a result of your actions when you traveled back in time, thereby preventing you from growing up to travel back in time, but that's not really your most immediate concern.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

>Summon Batman, because, you know that's what that bat shaped thing in your inventory is.

Oh, yeah! Batman would definitely be able to get you out of this.



Except, um. You kind of left the bat on the ground back there, when you dropped a bunch of items as a stalling tactic.



Maybe you can distract these guys and go back there for it. But what would be a good distraction?

>Start singing the National Anthem! They'll have to sing along and you can slip away as they are!

You begin singing the national anthem of the People's Democratic Republic of Corruptia.



The firing squads, being the patriotic sort, cannot help but join in.



"Praise to our land, The People's Democratic Republic of Corruptia!
Our fields, plentiful and our women fertile!
We drink much here in The People's Democratic Republic of Corruptia!
The best land in the world, don't listen to all those other anthems!
We crush our enemies underneath our feet!"



"Praise to Our Glorious Leader, Insert Glorious Leader's Name Here!
He or she is the greatest man/woman of all,
We obey his or her every whim,
And if he or she outlaws the use of rhyme,
Then it shall be deleted from our Glorious National Anthem!"



"Praise Insert Glorious Leader's Name Here!
Praise The People's Democratic Republic of Corruptia!
Rebel scum will never bring down our glorious government,
Because we will execute them with our firing squads first!
Praise to our land, The People's Democratic Republic of Corruptia!"



Phew, that seems to have done the trick. You're probably safe now...



Oh, whoops. You forgot that there's a verse in the National Anthem that calls for shooting enemies of the state. At least you have a headstart, though...

What will you do next?

>Become a friend of the State

What? Give up everything you've fought for just to avoid being shot?



That sounds like a pretty good deal right about now.





You run back and tell the firing squad that you've changed your mind, and you are totally loyal to the People's Democratic Republic of Corruptia and its Glorious Leader.



They contemplate your sudden declaration.



They accept, and welcome you with open arms!



But there's just one problem. The National Anthem still requires shooting an enemy of the state.



The law says if there is no enemy of the state present, then one of the singers is to be randomly designated an enemy of the state for the sake of the anthem.



And guess what? The randomly designated enemy of the state is you!

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

>Hire a bodyguard

That's starting to look like a good idea.



You ask your new bodyguard to keep you safe from the oncoming bullets.



It seems he takes his job very seriously! You feel a little bad for him...



Uh-oh. Looks like he can't take any more hits for you...



He falls over onto you. His massive weight crushes you to death.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

>Outrun the bullets.

Outrun a speeding bullet? Who do you think you are, Superman?



But, uh, it seems you can run pretty fast.



Maybe a little TOO fast.



OHGODOHGODYOUCAN'TSTOP



Ow. Or maybe you can.



But you're probably not getting back up any time soon...

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SpoilerBAD END
Reloading from last save...



Right. How about we try that again, perhaps with some non-fatal suggestions this time around?

DEATHS 16-21

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Spoiler

>Enter invincibility cheat code

Yeah, that would help a lot. Let's see... Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start...



No, that wasn't it.



xyzzy?



Crud! Okay, okay, you can do this...



You try every code you can think of. You know you've got it somewhere...



That didn't seem to work...



Oh, wait! The last one you tried seems to have done something!







Congratulations. You successfully activated the "Deadly Cheat Menu" code!

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

>spin around quickly so you drill into the ground.

You come up with a desperate plan to escape.



Whee!



Well, looks like all you managed to do was bury yourself alive. You soon suffocate under all that dirt.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

> Turn to reveal to them that you are Glorious Leader and have been the whole time. You were testing them. They passed the test but are to be executed for being enemies of the state. They tired (and succeeded many times) to kill you!

You come up with a desperate idea.



You explain that, in fact, you are the Glorious Leader. You pretended to be a prisoner in order to test their capabilities.



You inform them that they passed the test.



However, for their repeated attempts to kill you, they are to be executed for treason!



One of the Firing Squad members points out that you don't look anything like the Glorious Leader.



This was probably not one of your better plans.



BAD END
Reloading from last save...

> Fire a few shots back at them blindly, forcing them to find cover

Okay, enough running. It's time to fight back.



...except it seems you ran out of bullets.

Use the rifle as baseball bat to hit the bullets back

Fine, then! If you don't have any bullets, you'll just have to fight back with the gun!



...okay, maybe that wasn't such a good idea either.

Fall into a conveniently placed hole in the ground. Hope to god it's not a pit-trap.

Fighting back doesn't seem to be an option, so it's back to running.



Whoops! Maybe you should have watched where you were going.



This hole seems strangely familiar.



Strange. The hole didn't seem that deep when the firing squad fell into it...



Um. And, it looks like they caught up to you. Now what?

>Find a missile launcher in the cave

Hmm? What's that?



It looks like a missile launcher! This should let you even the odds!



Ready... aim...



Fire... Uh, Beep?



Um, maybe this thing you picked up wasn't a missile launcher.



...Or maybe it was, after all.





Um. This isn't really turning out how you expected...



Zazkio sjalska tosam.



Gaduba tlask merdio.



...Osogio valta freino.



And once again, you spoil things on Mars. You should probably be a little more careful.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

Pretend you sprained your leg in the fall. Unfortunately, the paperwork for the execution of wounded prisoners is completely different than for ones in perfect health. They're going to have to postpone the execution.

Inspiration suddenly strikes you.



You yell up that you've sprained your leg.



The Firing Squad discusses this. They need to fill out an entirely different set of paperwork to shoot a wounded prisoner.



The General thinks he has a way to resolve this dilemma.



"Just shoot him already and pretend he was fine. Who's going to check?"

I think you can guess what happens next.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

> Enter in the "Deadly Cheat Menu" code while the guard are still directly overhead. Then get out of the way.

You decide to try a cheat code.





The firing squad seems to recognize this cheat, and runs away.



Thinking quickly, you get out of the way.





That was close. You still need to find a way out of here, though...



Whoa! What's going on now?



You are melted by a massive wave of hot lava. I guess you should be careful where you drop that text box.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

Dig off to the side and form a cavern for a base in a Minecraft-like fashion.

You aren't sure about a cavern base or whatever, but digging seems like it might actually work. Maybe.



Just how far are you going to have to dig with your bare hands, though?







Looks like you can stop now. But where are you?



Um. It looks like you're in some kind of secret underground lab?



Uh-oh. What was that? It sounded like it came from behind you.



What the...? Zombies? And, it looks like they're trained as a firing squad too. Well, that's just ridiculous.

What will you do now?

DEATHS 22-25

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Spoiler

Take your brain out and place it in the hostage position in front of you. They can't shoot you without risking the integrity of your precious brains!

You come up with a desperate plan to dissuade the zombies!



"Don't shoot, or the brain gets it!" you yell.



Or that's what you would yell, if you hadn't just pulled your own brain out!

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

>Press the nearest button on the nearest gizmo

Thinking fast, you press the first button you see.



Looks like that did something...



Uh. What the heck is that? It looks like the duck head is a judge, and the horse head is running for the Senate. Is this supposed to be some kind of joke about "judge, jury, and executioner"?



You have no idea what to make of this new development, but it's probably bad news.



And speaking of bad news...

Other Firing Squad: Burst out behind you. Exchange fire with undead firing squad.

They're still after you!



But it looks like the zombies have them scared.



The two firing squads start shooting at each other, with you caught in the middle. This is not a great position to be in.

>Zombies are slow, right? So you can easily run away from them.

You'd better get out of here. Hopefully the zombies won't be able to catch up, and you can worry about that crazy monster and the regular firing squad later.





Time to run!





Uh-oh. Looks like they've decided you're their biggest problem.



At least you should be able to lose the zombies...





OH COME ON!

>Screw this. Climb out of the adventure onto the forum and give the author a stern talking-to for all the pain he's put you through. You've died 21 22 times already (I counted)!

You've had enough of this. Those two jerks running this adventure have killed you way too many times!





You decide to give the author and the artist a piece of your mind.





However, it seems you may have overestimated the strength of your bargaining position.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

Declare it to be ZOMBIE FIRING SQUAD SEASON

Thinking quickly, you try to trick your pursuers into thinking it is Zombie Firing Squad season.





It looks like the tables have turned!



"Gragh garrgh!"



You guess that means "Look! Behind you!" in Zombie. So you do the polite thing and look.



"Gruhh...." He seems to be indicating that it is Colonel Aureliano Buendia Season.





"Hey! What's that over there?"



This goes on for some time.



Finally, the Judge has had enough of this nonsense. He decides to settle once and for all which season this is.





Unfortunately, he happened to decide this right when you were standing under his gavel. You are crushed by the weight of his decision, and also by the force of a hammer wielded by a super-strong hideous abomination.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

Grind to a halt. Everyone chasing you will be carried past you by their momentum, giving you a few precious seconds to do... something.

As you flee, you recall a basic physics lesson.



Namely, inertia.



Your pursuers, caught off guard by your sudden stop, rush ahead of you! This gives you just enough time to come up with a new plan!

then run towards a hallway full of doors and cue hilarious chase scene.

You rush through the nearest door.



Followed closely by your pursuers.









Obviously, hijinks ensue.



Eventually, your pursuers have lost track of their target. But where are you?





It seems you've found this lab's repository of secret files! Perhaps you can find valuable information in here!

What will you do now?

Instead proceed to barricade the door and hold out against the firing-squad apocalypse.

You decide to buy yourself some time to investigate, and start blocking the door.



You find a big pile of crates and decide to use those to strengthen your barricade.



You're pretty sure that will hold, so you take the opportunity to start looking for clues.





Uh-oh.



You die in a spectacular fireworks show. Too bad there's nobody around to see it.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

Write "do not disturb" on the back of a TOP SECRET DOCUMENT and hang it on the outside of the door.

You decide that a ruse is in order.



You place a sign on the door and close it.





A member of the Firing Squad suggests checking out this room.



However, His Honor points out that the sign says "Do Not Disturb", and signs should be obeyed.



Sounds like your plan worked. Now, where should you begin your search?

>Get on that computer and do some 1337 haxoring.

You decide to begin your investigation with the computer.



Looks like that was a good idea! This thing is just full of information. But where to start?

Look up the glorious leader's dirty little secrets

You decide to look for information on the Glorious Leader. You are trying to bring down the corrupt government here, after all.



It looks like this information is protected.



But the password is the real name of the Glorious Leader! And fortunately, you managed to acquire that information before you were captured.

Now, what was her name again?

DEATHS 26-32

Show Content

Spoiler

>Who cares when you could be playing that classic LucasArts adventure game, Grim Fandango?

Forget about finding information on the corrupt regime out to kill you. It's time to play some games!



This is a pretty fun game!



Um. Maybe this wasn't the best game to play.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

> George.

Password.

You are quite certain that the Glorious Leader's name is George Password!



...Maybe not so certain.



The security system activates. You are killed in a hail of bullets.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

> Lunaita Maria Buendia

No, that's not quite it.

Renata Buendia

That's the right name!



Yes, your grandmother, Renata Buendia. Somehow she took control of this country, and for reasons you aren't sure of, ordered your execution.



The file opens. You begin reading through it in hopes of shedding some light on your grandmother's plans.



You discover that she took power by taking control of the People's Republic of Corruptia's sole dictionary publisher...



...and placing her picture next to "Glorious Leader" in all the volumes.



This was enough to fool the military into obeying her. She quickly seized control of the entire country.



But there's one thing you aren't sure about. Where did your grandmother get the money to buy the publishing company in the first place?











Oh damn it, they're back. Now what are you going to do?

> Quick, type in the wrong password then point the computer monitor at the firing squad!

NOTHING CAN GO WRONG

You exit the Secret Files and then open them again.



You then type in a bad password.



Then you quickly get out of the way and hope the security system takes care of your problem for you.



Whoops! Looks like there was another security measure here.





Oh, great. Sharks.



Correction: One mutant shark.



You are quickly devoured by the mutant with no chance to do anything. Better luck next time.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

>Quickly write a "Do not shoot!" sign and hold it up facing the firing squad.

You decide to show them a sign. After all, the last sign worked for a while, right?





They seem disinclined to listen at first, but the Judge changes their minds.



It worked! They're not going to shoot you!



Instead, they pummel you to death, which is still perfectly legal.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

Quickly write up a "Revised Dictionary" that consists of the words "Glorious Leader" and an arrow pointing at you.

You decide to use a little trick of your grandmother's.



You show them that the dictionary clearly indicates that you are the Glorious Leader.



You then order them to cancel your execution and take you to the impostor who is currently claiming to be Glorious Leader.



Your ruse seems to have worked! The Firing Squad will now do as you say!



This is the perfect plan.



"Grraarrrgh!"
Wait... it looks like you've just been usurped!



"Grrgah!"



And the Glorious Zombie Leader seems to have reinstated the orders for your execution.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

Throw yourself headfirst into the monitor, thereby entering the realm of cyberspace!

You formulate a desperate escape plan!





Hey kids! It's time for you to decide how the Colonel dies from this command!

Choice A:



That was silly. There's no way you can enter cyberspace through a computer monitor! All you gained for your trouble was a painful death and glass shards embedded in your face.

Or Choice B:



You enter cyberspace through the computer.



You are now in cyberspace.



Wait... What's that?





The General has decided to take this time to play one of his favorite games!



He's pretty good at it, it seems.

Whichever choice you took...

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

> Throw the computer at them and run.

With few resources at your disposal, you decide to throw the computer as a distraction! Surprised, the Firing Squad flees in all directions.



You run out, grabbing the computer along the way - maybe you'll be able to find another chance to check the rest of the data.



Well, that bought you a little time, but it looks like you're getting chased again.



However, your last chase gave you a pretty good idea of the layout of this place. You can probably figure out how to get to any room here now. Where will you run to?

DEATHS 33-36

Show Content

Spoiler

> The Firing Range Target Alley! There is no way absolutely anything bad could happen to you there!

You run into the Firing Range Target Alley.



For some reason, this room makes you nervous.



Wait, what's that over there?



It looks like you arrived in the middle of target practice.



They're not doing a very good job of hitting the targets. But they're doing an excellent job of hitting you!

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

>To the bathroom

Nature calls.



Ugh. When was the last time they cleaned this place?



Better make this quick.



What the? The toilet is alive!



You try to flee, but the door won't open!



The toilet monster easily overpowers you. You make a delicious meal.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

> Lab Zebra. Obviously.

You decide to flee into Lab Zebra.



There's black ink all over the walls and floor here. It's pretty strange, but hey... at least it's not blood, right?



And that hideous monstrosity must be where the lab gets its name. Or maybe they only experiment on zebras, who knows.



Suddenly, the zebra spews forth a wave of a strange fluid at your face!



...Oh. It's just ink. Well, that's not so bad you guess... Maybe this monster isn't so dangerous after all...



Or maybe it is. You're never that lucky, are you?

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

>go to the armory.

You decide to head for the armory. Maybe you can find some weapons in here to fight back with.



Wow, there's a lot of stuff in here.



You'd better start thinking about what could be useful.





Whoa! What's that?



It's a flying tank! And it's got you in its sights!



You are killed before you even have time to wonder why you didn't notice a flying tank before you started grabbing weapons.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

>The elevator! Take the elevator! And for the love of God, if the elevator's not at your floor, DO NOT step into the open shaft!

You make a run for the elevator.



For some reason, you have a bad feeling about this...







Huh. Looks like you were worried for nothing...





What luck! It looks like this elevator goes straight to the Glorious Leader's mansion! Maybe you can get some answers from your grandmother face-to-face!





You have a funny feeling that might trigger some kind of security system, though.



Several minutes pass, however, and nothing happens except the steady upward movement of the elevator.





But you're sure that there's something unpleasant waiting for you as soon as the elevator doors open...





...Or maybe not. You're starting to wonder if you're a little too paranoid.



You are now in the Glorious Leader's mansion. What will you do?

DEATHS 37-40

Show Content

Spoiler

Climb out of the window! Best course of action!

It's probably dangerous to stay around here, but going down the elevator isn't really an option.



So you decide to leave.



You've escaped. And luckily, it seems you managed to avoid triggering any security systems...



You are suddenly crushed by someone falling out of the sky. Maybe you picked the wrong place to stand.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

>Jump up and down and cluck like a chicken while swinging the computer around like a flail.

You suddenly have the most brilliant idea ever.



This is clearly the most productive way you could be using your time.

Show Content

SpoilerFun fact: The above image is Panel 400.

However, you don't manage to get enough momentum with your flailing and drop the computer on your head.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

>Say out loud, "I know you're watching me."

You announce to some unknown presence that you're aware their eyes are on you.



Hey, looks like your bluff worked!

> If someone responds to this, say, "No, not you, I mean the other one."

You decide to try it again, just in case.



The figure watching you is not amused.



He decides to get your attention.





...Maybe you should listen to what he has to say?

> Due to the Darth-Vader appearance that he had when he first showed up, he must be your father.
JOIN THE DARK SIDE AND USE THE FORCE TO DESTROY ALL THE FIRING SQUAD MEMBERS AND THE JUDGE/JURY/EXECUTIONER!

You tell him that you've decided to join him on the Dark Side.



Before he can respond, you run off to destroy your pursuers with your new powers.





Looks like the welcoming committee has a few new members.



But they are no match for the Dark Side of the Force!



Too bad you don't actually have that.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

> Challenge your OTHER LONG-LOST BROTHER to a FACE-SLAPPING CONTEST!

You challenge him to a face-slapping contest.



Uh. You might have challenged him a little too hard.



You decide to move on and pretend nothing happened.





You have now gone back in time to meet with your past self. Something seems vaguely familiar about this, but you can't recall just what happened.



Oh. That's what. Man, your past self was a jerk. At least he'll get what's coming to him.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

Challenge him to an EXTREME TAP-DANCE OFF!!

You challenge him to a tap-dancing contest.



"No."

Sloppy makeouts.

You decide to be a little friendlier.



But then you get the sudden feeling this may be a bad idea.

> Just listen to what he has to say, like a regular human being with socially-acceptable behavior.

"Are you done being an idiot yet? We don't have much time."



You decide to stop being an idiot and hear what he has to say.



"Right. I'm you, from a little bit into the future. The pocket watch you're carrying has the ability to travel through time when you wind it."



"But the thing is, that watch is actually from the future. The present version of the watch is in Grandma's office. She used its powers to acquire a vast fortune and buy the publishing company."



"You need to steal that watch, then give it to your past self before the firing squad comes for you. Then you need to come back here and tell yourself what I just told you. I'll explain how to use the watch properly in a moment, it's easy to get lost in time if you're not careful."



You now have the knowledge to use the Pocket Watch properly.



Your future self then returns to his own time.



Well, it looks like your next objective is to get the watch from your grandmother. But how will you find her office?

DEATHS 41-44

Show Content

Spoiler

> GET ON WITH IT!
(And by that I mean just time travel back when it was being made and memorize the blueprints)

How are you going to figure out when this thing was made?



Oh! Hey, maybe this won't be so hard.





Uh... is this the right place?







Looks like it is. Apparently, making a pocket watch that travels through time is a fairly involved process.



Well, you can just grab this here and then give it to yourself. It'll be easier than getting the one in your grandmother's office, right?



But before you can reach the watch, a black hole swallows you up and crushes you to death.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

Sniff around for fresh-baked cookies!

Say... are those... Cookies?



They smell so delicious!





Oh, these are so good!



Mmm... wait, what's that?





You have been eaten by the Muffin Man.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

>Why smash through the walls of course.

Yeah! Who needs to use doors? No walls can hold you!



Except these ones. Ow.

>Dramatically kick open the nearest door

Okay, fiiiine, you'll use the door. But you're going to kick it in like the badass you are!



Ow.

> enter doorway in background.

Okay, maybe showing off isn't the best way to do this.



Uh... oh, wow. Looks like finding her office won't be so hard, but that staircase looks heavily guarded.



And you just heard the elevator in the last room. That probably means the firing squad is right behind you. Just what you needed.

Now what are you going to do?

>Hide and let the firing squad and the defenses take care of one another

With this many people out to kill you, maybe it's a good idea to lie low for a while.





Here they come...



"Hey! You guys don't have authorization to be in here!"

"We're chasing an escapee! And we're pretty sure he came this way!"



"Yeah, like I haven't heard that excuse before. Get 'em!"


They've started fighting! Better lie low until it's over.





Uh-oh.









Amazingly, you survived that explosion. And hey, there's the watch! You don't even have to worry about causing a paradox by not giving it to your past self!



Yes! You've almost succeeded! All you need to do is go back and...



Ooh. Uh, never mind. Guess you should have been paying attention to events on Mars.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

>Jump back in time to save your younger self from the cold. But this time, DON'T DRINK THE COCOA.

Screw this. Let's solve this problem before it starts.



You go back, find your younger self, yada yada, we've seen this before. After being covered in too many blankets, your grandmother offers you cocoa.



This time, however, you turn it down.



Your grandmother, however, is quite insistent that you have a drink.



You decide she has a compelling counterargument.



You still end up dying due to warming up too fast, but at least this way you get some nice hot cocoa first.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

You should be able to make it if you just run fast enough!

You decide to make a run for it.



And just in time, it seems. Here they come!



"There he is! Get him!"



You rush for the stairs, but one of the mansion's security guards is in the way.



But you can't let that stop you now!



You run up the stairs, with more pursuers than ever, and defense turrets tracking you.



Somehow, though, you manage to stay ahead of it all and reach the top.



Unfortunately, the door to the office is locked.



The good news is, you seem to be out of range of all the turrets. But you've still got everything else after you...

What will you do?

DEATHS 45-49

Show Content

Spoiler

> Escape into the past, before they tightened security around here.

You decide to solve this problem in the past.



This should be early enough that security isn't so crazy.





Uh... Looks like you went back to before the mansion was even built.



And it's a pretty long way down.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

> Slice it open with your Deadly Cheat Menu

You input a cheat code.



Before the menu falls, you grab it.



The door is powerless before the razor-sharp edges of the Deadly Cheat Menu!



Now you're ready to...



What the?



"Hello dearie! You've been cheating, haven't you?"



"Well, thanks to this little gizmo, I know every cheat you've ever used! And I can use them too!"



"This is what happens when you don't play fair, dearie."

Cheaters never prosper.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

Show Content

SpoilerCongratulations to Godbot for getting the Colonel killed twice in the same update!

Kick the door in

Time to show the door who's boss!



Ow! Why did you try that? It didn't work the last time, either!

Knock politely. Tell your Grandma her favorite Grandson wants to speak with her.

Perhaps a more straightforward approach is in order.



"Grandma! It's your favorite grandson! I've come for a visit!"



"Oh! What a surprise! I wasn't expecting this!"



"I'd heard you'd been shot! Trying to rescue that good-for-nothing brother of yours from my firing squad..."



"I'm glad to know you weren't that foolish after all!"





"...Oh. It's you."



"Well, since you came all this way, I suppose I can tell you in person what a disappointment you are before I call the guards in to deal with you."



You've made it into the office, and your grandmother seems too preoccupied with complaining about you to notice what you're actually doing. Now's your chance to find that watch!

Where should you look?

under the rug

You decide to look under the rug for the watch.



Uh... This may not have been the best place to look.



You are eaten by a bearskin rug. Okay, who didn't see that one coming?

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

Grab a blunt object and knock her out with it. Then dress up as her and have the guards throw her in the dungeon. If anyone calls you out on not being her, declare that person an enemy of the state.

You decide that now is a good time to knock her out.





Uh... Wow. She's got good reflexes.





"And that's another thing! You always interrupt while I'm talking!"





You really should know better than to mess with little old ladies.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

Quickly sit in the desk to fool the guards into thinking that you are the leader.

You decide that you might be able to pull off a bluff if you sit at her desk.



Now you wait for the guards to arrive...



What the?



"INTRUDER DETECTED. UNAUTHORIZED INTRUDER SITTING AT GLORIOUS LEADER'S DESK."



Apparently, your grandmother is very protective of her desk.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

In the waste-paper basket.

Maybe the watch is in here?



Nope, no watch. But your future self was wearing this robe, so you might as well hold onto it to prevent a paradox.

Search in grandma's hair.

Wait... Is that...?



The watch! She's wearing it in her hair!



You'll have to get it from her somehow. But if she notices you taking it, she'll call the guards, or worse.

What will you do?

DEATH 50!!!

Show Content

Spoiler

Sing a song about your love for donkeys to your grandmother in an attempt to sway her hateful emotions.

>Trick her into singing a psychedelic song, revealing that she isn't such a frosty ice queen after all, and causing her to let her hair down.

Colonel: Grandmother! Please, open your heart!
Seeing you like this tears me apart!
But perhaps, just perhaps, I can help you to see
How harmful this hatred is to you! (And to me!)
Let me sing you a song of incredible beauty!
(I hope it convinces you not to shoot me!)
I know that my singing may not be on-key,
But I can still tell you of the majestic donkey!



Colonel: Long ears, fierce kicks, and a silly "Hee-Haw"!
Perhaps up to now, that is all that you saw!
But please, before your brow begins to furrow,
I must speak of the wonders of the noble burro!
They carry our burdens, they may father a mule,
But their true beauty can be seen by even a fool!
Of all animals, donkeys are the highest class!
There is nothing greater than a magnificent--



Leader: You stupid boy! You're doing it wrong!
I'll show you the way to break out in song!
Donkeys are boring and stupid and lame,
I'll sing a song about my enduring fame!
Except, it won't do to sing it alone.
I need support for my wonderful tone.
This is a command from your leader glorious!
Open the doors! Send in the chor-ious!



Leader: Hit it!



Leader: What's the hold-up?



General: (Psst... Glorious Leader, Law #25405, 'No rhyming, punishable by death.')

Leader: (It's repealed. Now get singing!)



Chorus: Our Glorious Leader, the greatest in the land!
Traitors are crushed by her righteous command!
Lovely and wise and courageous and just,
To submit to her absolute rule is a must!
Glorious Leader, please guide us all!
Before your might, all our enemies fall!
Yes, you should obey her, for if you do not,
Her firing squads will have you shot!



Leader: By the way, though I ended the law against rhyme,
When you started singing, it still was a crime!
So now, my dear boy, your punishment's due!
My, how many deaths will this make for you?

Chorus: Fifty deaths! Fifty! That's quite a lot!
And they were absurd more often than not!
Now for the end of this musical number,
We'll send you once more to eternal slumber!



Leader: Excellent work, everyone. Now get out of my office!

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

Equip robe. Be death. You sure have enough expirence with it!

You decide that the best course of action is to impersonate the Grim Reaper, and get in costume while her attention is elsewhere.



"RENATA BUENDIA! YOUR TIME HAS COME!"



"This sort of childish game is exactly what I've been talking about, Aureliano! Do you seriously expect to scare me with that?"
"...no, Grandmother."
"Honestly. Do I have to explain this again?"

>Ask your Grandma to succinctly sum up why she hates you and ordered the firing squad to kill you, preferably in up to 5 sentences.

"Can you summarize it this time? And maybe explain why you sentenced me to death by firing squad?"



"You are such a filthy hobo hippie hipster punk! From the moment you were born, I knew you would be no good! I can't even fathom how you could possibly be a Buendias! So impolite! Like that one time! Just dying on my cottage floor! I think you did. That one time maybe. And you also used up all my tissues without asking! What kind of grandson does that? And you never listen to me! I told you 'Music is a horrible major! You won't go anywhere with it! What can you do with a B.A. in double bass of all things? So useless!' and I was right, wasn't I? You're unemployed and a bum! You stink up the place! And your stupid bass takes up too much room! That instrument is ridiculously huge! Why couldn't you have gotten a reasonable major? Your brother is a doctor! And he's in a band! It's a very popular band too! What do you do? You slouch! You laze about! You leave crumbs on the floor! And when have you ever just visited me to see how I was doing? Never! You only visited me to ask for money! Or for food! Or for a warm bed! The music you listen to is atrocious! And that watch you wore in high school was a hideous shade of green! In a gadda da vida, baby! Not to mention you never reply to my emails detailing how much your brother is better than you!"



"And that's why you were going to have me executed?"



"Oh, you silly boy! No, of course not, that would just be petty."



"I ordered your execution because you posed a threat to me."



"You see, back when you got lost in the snow, and found your way to my house..."



"...I took that watch of yours."



"I had done some research into it, and learned that the watch could be used to alter the flow of time, and that it could permanently grant one power to a person."



"In my case, I gained protection from the ravages of time. I no longer age. I still had all the years I'd already acquired, but that's all right. But there was just one problem."



"You had already gained a power from the watch."



"You had the power to turn back time after your death. You didn't even realize you could, as you would be left with only a vague memory of what led to your death."

Show Content

SpoilerAuthor's note: I planned this before Frank Quitely and the Boxers of Time started, for the record.

"I was safe from age, but not from more conventional means. So I hatched a plan."



"I began researching the fabled Invincibility Code."



"But I thought my scientists might fail, or betray me. So I arranged a contingency plan."



"I reasoned you would use your powers to escape the firing squad, but from your perspective, you would be facing immense danger. You would be tempted to seek out the code on your own."



"Then, with this device, I would learn the code from you. I would be truly immortal."



"Then I'd lock you up, where you'd eventually die of either starvation or old age. Your power wouldn't be able to help you."



"But you had to go and spoil that plan by somehow making it here without the invincibility code!"



"Ah well. I suppose I'll have to settle for having you locked away and tortured for the rest of your life."



"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"



The watch fell out of her hair! This is your chance!



...But it broke when it landed on the floor! Now what are you going to do?

DEATHS 51-54

Show Content

Spoiler

Explain to her that immortality is stupid. Tell her that you've learned how to remember what's on the other side, and it's totally awesome. Brag about how she's never going to get to see if because she's immortal. Maybe this will get her to kill herself?

"Wait! There's something I need to tell you!"



"This had better be important! I don't like having my cackling interrupted."



"Oh, it is! Lately, I've started to remember what happens on the other side after I die, before time rewinds. And it's AMAZING!"



"Streets paved with gold! Free ice cream all the time! Um, video games with super-advanced graphics! Uh, uh, and it um, rains magic? You're missing out on so much by trying to become immortal!"



"Is that really what it's like?"



"It sounds wonderful! I'll have to redesign my mansion to be like that! Thanks for the ideas. Perhaps you weren't completely worthless as a grandson after all."



Well, it sounds like you had a good pitch, but you couldn't quite seal the deal.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

The general had the watch for a few moments. He must have some super convenient watch fixing powers! Trick him into fixing the watch.

It occurs to you that the General had the watch earlier. It may have given him powers that can be useful here!



Uh. And here he is. Well, maybe you can trick him...



"Wait! If I give you this watch, will you switch over to my side? It's a MacGuffin brand..."



"Hmm... Let me take a closer look at that..."



"What's this? This watch is broken! What good is that?"



"Wait! That watch gives people powers! I'm sure it gave you the power to fix watches, or maybe to turn back time for objects, or something else useful here! Try it!"



"This had better work..."



It looks like the watch actually gave the General the power to make watches explode. So much for that plan.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

> Try to time travel without using the watch.

You decide to try time traveling under your own power, without using the watch.



Well, that didn't do anything.



"That won't work."



"Let me tell you how to handle this. First, go back to before the firing squad grabbed you and give your past self the broken watch. You never had a chance to examine it closely for a while after that, remember?"



"Then, you've got to get your time travelling done and switch it out for your watch before your past self gets the chance. So go back to the hallway outside the elevator, and then you come here, and then..."



"Whoops! Looks like I gotta go!"



Great. Just great.



Well, you may as well follow his advice as far as you can...





"Psst! Put this in your pocket, fast! It's the key to taking down the corrupt government. And good luck!"





Okay, next step is to meet yourself when you get out of the elevator.



You've memorized what to say here, then you just have to go to the Glorious Leader's office...



Wait! You don't have those clothes your future self was wearing. You'll have to make another stop after this meeting. But where will you go?

Go rob a nearby thrift store.

Right, you've got some time before your past self arrives, better make use of it.



This place looks good, but you don't have any money.



So you decide to take advantage of the five-fingered discount.



What the? What's going on?



"Fools! No one can stop... THE SHOPLIFTER!"



"Soon, I'll destroy every store in the world! Mwahahahahaha!"



You burn to death in boiling lava and you aren't really sure why.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

Go to a paint factory and MAKE them clothes, dammnit.

You figure it'll be easier to just make a shirt.



So you enter a paint factory.



But wait, you have to get the right pattern... oh, and the sunglasses... and also the glass... and wait, did he have a crown, or did you just imagine that?



Distracted by your thoughts, you don't look carefully enough at where you're going.



Ow. Well, this is one more problem to deal with...



You'll have to clean off this robe, then time-travel back to the conversation. Man, you should have time-traveled here after your past self showed up instead of being so impatient.



And this bucket's stuck on your foot... ugh. And you still haven't made the shirt!



...You think you just heard something behind you.



OH GOD WHAT IS THAT



You have died at the hands of your own artistic creation.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

> Scott Williams: Time travel in by mistake carrying the needed clothes.

A strange person suddenly pops in.



"Oh dear. My condition must be getting worse. First I find myself in a bathhouse in Ancient Greece, and now here."



"AAAHHH!"



You have no idea who that was, but he just solved one of your problems for you.



You might as well get dressed. You put on the shirt, and stick the other things in your pocket.



Now you're ready. Just need to wait...



Blah blah man you were an idiot back then.



Now, you're going to meet yourself... but you're pretty sure there's one stop you have to make first.



You don't have much time...



Empty. Just like you thought.



Okay, time to get ready for the next stop.



Cutting it close, but you're almost done...





Now it's time for another conversation with yourself that you've already seen. Boring stuff.



And now you're time-traveling again. Where and when will you reappear?

DEATHS 55-59

Show Content

Spoiler

Near your brother before you were about to get executed. You must tell him what's going on.

Yes! But first get him a bullet-proof vest and a bunch of ketchup packets.

You've just realized that you have the opportunity to save your brother's life!



You explain to your brother that he's about to get killed rescuing you.



You then vanish, saying you'll help him out with that.



You hand over a bulletproof vest with ketchup packets in the pockets. It wasn't easy getting it.



You then watch as your brother saves your life and appears to be killed.



But thanks to you, he's saved!



You and your brother have a joyful reunion.



"I'm very grateful to you for saving my past self, Aureliano."



"But I'm afraid you're too much of a threat to my future reign as Glorious Leader. So your life ends now. Nothing personal, you understand."

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

Back to right before you almost froze to death.

Looks like you're trying this again.



You spontaneously decide to take your younger self through time to get him out of here. That should stop Grandma from getting your watch and becoming the Glorious Leader.



Except... Nothing happened. What's wrong with this stupid thing?



A closer examination of the watch reveals you may have just made a bad move.



Uh. This doesn't look very good.



Huh? What's coming out of that one?



Congratulations, you have grabbed the Big Bang through a random time portal. The universe is created in the very spot where you are, utterly destroying you in the process.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

Go back in time and join your own firing squad. After spending months slowly earning your grandmother's trust, wait until right now to burst through the door and shoot your grandmother with your rifle.

You decide to take a more active role in your own pursuit.



First, you make yourself a little less recognizable. Too bad you don't have a proper razor.



Then you stand in line to sign up.



You also quietly grab some documentation from another potential recruit so you can get through the necessary paperwork.



With your stolen documentation, you are easily accepted.



You then join in on the chase against your past self, being very careful never to reveal your true identity.



Finally, you chase yourself to the Glorious Leader's office. Your past self vanishes just as you enter the door.



Your grandmother starts berating her entire army for letting your past self get away.



She's too angry to pay attention to you, and everyone else is too terrified of her. This is your chance...



Suddenly, a voice calls out, distracting you at the key moment.



"Your moustache wasn't pleased about being abandoned for your little plan, and it told me the whole story."



"You'll pay for keeping me off the firing squad!"



There's a lesson somewhere in here about being careful how you treat others, but it's a little too late to learn it now that you're dead.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

80 years in the past.Kidnap your grandmother will she still is a baby and raise her to be a nice person

Enough of this. You're going to see to it that you have a nice, normal relationship with your grandmother, even if it means separating a baby from her loving parents.



You get ready to take her out of here...



Uh-oh. Looks like you've been caught.



Better get back on track with your time-travel...



"I can't believe our precious little Renata was almost kidnapped! We can't let this happen again!"



"We'll make sure that Renata grows up knowing how to defend herself! Even if it means a training regimen so strict that it drives her crazy and she one day becomes a brutal dictator!"



Well, that plan didn't work out. You'd better pick the right destination this time. Where and when will you go?

Forget all this stuff you've been doing. Go back in time, win the lottery, then use the money to buy the publishing house. Put your own picture next to "Glorious Leader" and be a kind ruler.

You decide to co-opt your grandmother's scheme, and become the Glorious Leader yourself.



First, you'll need some funds.



Fortunately, with a little time-travel, this is easy to do.



You enter the lottery. With your knowledge of the future, you easily claim the winning ticket.



With your newfound riches, you purchase the nation's only dictionary publisher.



The plan works perfectly, and you are soon made Glorious Leader.



You work hard to ensure that the Democratic Republic of Corruptia becomes a thriving nation and a model to the world.



You also fire the government's Mad Scientists, since they pretty much just suck up money and have nothing to show for it except death rays and hideous abominations.



"I don't like that new Glorious Leader. I had the best job in the world! But now I'm out on the street."
"Tell me about it. Man, if I still had funding, I'd build a big laser or something and shoot it at him."



"Hey, I managed to embezzle a big pile of funds before we left, just in case something like this happened. There's plenty of room for more members on the creative team, though..."
"I'm in."



It's been a lot of hard work, but you're finally turning this country around. You're feeling pretty good about yourself!



What was that?



"Sir! We've just received word that some kind of mech with a 300-foot long shoulder-mounted rocket launcher is heading this way!"



"WHAT?"



Your mansion is blown up by a ridiculously oversized rocket. Your glorious reign comes to an early end.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

To mix things up a bit,
> Go to the sharp objects factory on mars

You've found yourself in the Martian Sharp Objects Factory somehow. Not that you'd recognize it.



Uh-oh... That improperly-stacked pile of sharp objects seems about to fall.



You run as fast as you can to avoid getting impaled!



Oh no! You're trapped!



You steel yourself for your inevitable fate.



Wha..?



It seems you have been spared a sharp and pointy fate thanks to someone's timely visit to Mars.

Meanwhile...



Zolokta raicuzo?



Tasoka! Niardu!



Sakozi ringosda!



...Soldoko thagnatz.



The death of your past self causes you to cease to exist. Not that you personally recognize this as the cause.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

>Go to the sharp objects factory while you were fleeing and pickpocket the watch off of yourself.

Oh man. Here again.



And here you are, right on time.



Ooh... yeah, this is bringing back painful memories. But you've got a job to do.



You carefully take the watch out of your past self's pocket.



Soon enough, he regains consciousness and runs out.



You then leave your working watch right where you found it when you came back to the factory.



And now your past self has a working watch. That takes care of the time travel side of things.



But what are you going to do now? This watch is broken.



Wait... It's still ticking? Maybe it can still be used?



In the shape it's in, though, it probably won't be good for more than one time-jump. If that.



You'd better think carefully about what to do here. Will you attempt to make one last time-jump, and if so, where and when? Or will you look for some way to repair the watch?

DEATHS 60-62

Show Content

Spoiler

>Time jump to the far future where magic has become commonplace and have them repair the watch.

You travel to the future, using the last of the watch's power.



It seems that your grandmother, immune to further ravages of time, has managed to conquer the entire world in the intervening years.



"There he is! It's the time-traveller we're supposed to keep an eye out for! Get him!"



You are swiftly arrested. Apparently your grandmother is very paranoid about the potential threat you pose to her empire.



In fact, she has already made arrangements for you to be executed if you show up.



"Any last words?"
"Well..."
"Too bad! FIRE!"



You have a full half second to appreciate how much more efficient the firing squads of the future are before you are disintegrated by lasers.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

>Put on a space suit and go back in time to soon after the universe was made.
Become the Universe's glorious leader.

Space suit? Since when have you ever needed a space suit?



Anyways, you decide to impose your will on the entire universe soon after it begins. The watch doesn't survive the trip, but that won't matter soon.



Wait. This is what the universe was like early on?



Apparently, the universe is being created from the writings of an infinite number of monkeys with typewriters. That explains a lot.



Well, the plan remains the same. Time to conquer the universe!



You decide to start typing your way to the top.



Oh, how convenient! You just need to type in your name, and...



Uh-oh.



You don't last long, seeing as you're outnumbered infinity to one.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

> Go to the nearest library. Learn how to fix the watch yourself.

You decide to head for the library and see if you can fix this watch before you go gallivanting through time with it.



You find a relevant book and start reading.



You should be able to get it working again soon!



Success! Now, back to time-travelling!



The watch is still working! Your repair skills are amazing.



Wait... Where exactly are you?



...Uh-oh.



You're high up in the air again - very high, in fact - and there is a gigantic hole directly below you.









It tends to kill you when you fall from as high up as is possible to about halfway between sea level and the bottom of the world.

Show Content

SpoilerCredit for the previous line goes to Baphomet.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

> Could you possibly go back in time to when you turned up at your grandmother's house in the snow, and then switch the now-broken watch with your brand-new one? That'd mean she was never immortal in the first place, and you'd have a working watch.

You're back in the snowfields, on that terrible vacation so long ago.



Hmm. There you are. Maybe you can get the watch from your younger self, and give him this one so it will be useless when your grandmother steals it...



...Oh. Hmm.



But... You could still steal the watch from your past self! Then Grandma won't get it, and she'll never become Glorious Leader, and...



...and she'll probably be really upset if she can't find it, and possibly do something drastic to the younger you. Which might not be such a great idea. Hmm.



Oh! But you could find some other way out of this snowfield, and guide your younger self to safety without going to Grandma's house!



You catch up with your younger self and assure him that you'll get him out of there, not mentioning any time travel or anything.



Huh? What's going on here? Where'd that guy come from?



Uh... This doesn't look good...



An entire army teleports in from the future!



"So, Aureliano! You're hoping to end my rule before it starts! Well, unfortunately for you, I've mastered time travel, and I'll see to it that the watch ends up in my past self's hands, one way or another!"



Uh-oh. It looks like you've got an entire army after you, and your younger self is being dragged to the cottage to have his watch stolen!

What are you going to do now?

DEATHS 63-65

Show Content

Spoiler

>Play dead.

You decide to just act dead and hope they leave you alone.



It seems, however, that the Glorious Leader would prefer to be sure.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

Or, find current Grandma and try to pit her against future Grandma.

It occurs to you that there's somebody here who's just crazy enough to stand up to the Glorious Leader.



Running faster than you realized was possible - seriously, you'd probably catch fire if it wasn't so cold out here - you run to the cottage. You should arrive there well before the soldier drops off your younger self.



You hope this works.



"Grandmother! It's me, Aureliano! There's an evil army from the future after me, and their leader is impersonating you!"



"Hmmph! That's just like you, Aureliano. You only ever visit me when you're in trouble. You need to learn to solve your own problems! And also to stop by more often. Your brother would blah blah blah..."
You are starting to have second thoughts about this plan.



"This is the impostor?"
"Yes! We need to stop her!"



"Hey you! What are you doing, posing as me?!"

"Posing?! I am you! That grandson of ours is such a liar, I can't believe he'd try to trick me like that, I mean really."

"Oh, I know what you mean. Such a brat! Remember the time he lied about that thing?"

"As thought it were yesterday! I told him then, I told him, 'Keep doing that and you'll never amount to anything!' And here he is now, and he hasn't amounted to anything! Just like I said!"

"He never listens to authority!"

"Don't I know it!"

"The salt of the earth!"

"The scum of the earth!"



Well, this didn't work as well as you'd hoped.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

Pledge your allegiance to the glorious leader!

You have a brilliant plan for getting out of this desperate situation.



"I'm sorry, Grandmother! I pledge allegiance to you! Please don't kill me again!"



"Let's see. I've put all this effort into tracking you through time to kill you, I always thought you were a terrible grandson, and I recently discovered that you traumatized me when I was a child thanks to your time travel shenanigans."



"So of course I accept your surrender! Welcome to the winning team!"



"Wonderful! I can't wait to help you take over the world!"
You are finding it very hard to believe that this is actually working, even if your grandmother is senile half the time.



Um... Where did that thing come from?



You are zapped by eye-lasers from a giant dimension-travelling goose. This is probably some form of instant karma, you sellout.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

Hit your grandmother with a snowball.

Thinking fast, you improvise a weapon.



FIRE!



That didn't work so well.

"You silly boy. Do you seriously think you can stop me with a snowball?"



Hmm. This calls for another approach.

Jump onto her flying robot, that massive army wouldn't possibly attack their Glorious Leader would they?

You decide to make a more direct assault.



You take a great leap and jump on!



And are promptly snatched up without doing any real damage.



"I wish I could say I expected you to put up more of a fight, but I didn't really. Maybe I didn't even need the army!"



Why do you keep coming up with these stupid plans? Don't you have any better ideas?

> DEADLY CHEAT MENU GO

Actually, you just might.



The Deadly Cheat Menu appears. Now, you've got to time this right...



Unable to move much, you start struggling in hopes that you won't be under the menu for long.



It worked! You are free once again!



Now, what to do next...



Uh-oh. Looks like you landed a little too close to one of the lab-created abominations your grandmother brought with her.



Specifically, a giant ghostly slug that generates electricity and spits acid and has a whole bunch of arms and is probably also a stage magician. Where exactly do your grandmother's scientists get these ideas?

In any case, it is heading straight for you. What will you do now?

DEATHS 66-68

Show Content

Spoiler

>Challenge it to a magical duel!

You challenge the slug-monster to a magical duel!



The slug accepts and transports you to the World of Magic for the battle.



In this mystical realm, the most powerful wizards engage in high-stakes duels to the death.



"Ruuggh."

Your opponent seems to be indicating that, as challenger, you get to make the first move.



You then realize that you don't know any magic. At all. Seriously, what were you thinking?



Your opponent soon realizes your ineptness, and mercilessly destroys you.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

Ask it for a magic show.

You decide to ask the ghostly slug magician to put on a show. Maybe that will serve as a distraction!



It agrees. For its first trick, it asks you to pick a card, any card.



You do as instructed. You feel a little nervous about this, but it might give you time to think of a plan...



The card you picked is...



...the Death tarot? What kind of deck is this?



And, uh... what's going on now?



Wow. That's a pretty good trick, you have to admit. Or you would, if you were still alive.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

>Dig down through the snow

In desperation, you claw at the snow beneath your feet. Maybe you can find something useful, or hide under there!



Hey! It looks like there's something down there!



And that something is a Martian firing squad.



They zap you before you even have time to wonder how they got there.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

>Its a slug monster. Throw salt at it.

You don't have any salt! Besides, would that even work on a ghost slug?

> Deadly Cheat Menu: Continue falling through the Earth's crust, resulting in an eruption right underneath the slug magician.

As you pause and reflect on your lack of salt, you happen to look up and see that the Cheat Menu is still falling.



You need to get out of here before that thing lands on you!)



The ghostly slug magician slowly gives pursuit, moving as fast as a regular corporeal slug magician. Which isn't very fast.



It is mildly annoyed by a menu screen falling through its incorporeal body as it pursues you.



But then, it doesn't realize what's about to happen next.



The cheat menu strikes a vein of lava, causing an explosion that reaches all the way to the surface!



The magma then freezes around the slug magician due to the low temperatures. And as everyone knows, ghosts cannot move through frozen magma. The Slug Magician is trapped inside!

GHOSTLY SLUG MAGICIAN DEFEATED!



But there's still an entire army of monstrosities to deal with...

Summon the Karma Goose by doing something bad, but not so bad that it instantly lasers you, maybe just glares at you angrily.

Karma Goose? What's that?



Well, you don't quite understand the plan, but you guess it's worth a shot.



You make a rude face at the frozen slug. Hopefully this act of impoliteness and disrespect for a defeated foe will work.



Uh... Is that a Karma Goose?



You guess so.



Well, it didn't kill you. Maybe you can get it to help you out!



The Karma Goose takes to the skies!



This is great! You're relatively safe up here! Maybe you can even get the goose to swoop down and catch your past self.



...Maybe not so safe. You'll have to deal with these zombies...

What will you do?

DEATHS 69-70

Show Content

Spoiler

Announce the Karma Goose as your new deity. Conquer the world through religion.

Yes! The Karma Goose is clearly the path to a better future for the world! You will show them the way!



"Everyone! Cease this fighting! The Karma Goose is the savior of us all! Can't you see that?"



It worked! Your charisma and the majesty of the Karma Goose have shown them the way!



However, it seems the goose is turned off due to religious differences.



The sudden disappearance drives the masses to despair.

"Why have you forsaken us, oh mighty Karma Goose?"



Which means they don't lift a finger to help their former prophet as he plummets to the ground and dies messily.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

Steer the goose into a kamikaze run at Grandma's cottage, then leap off at the last second.

This all began at your grandmother's cottage. Maybe you can stop it here.



You guide the goose's flight downward, towards the cottage! When it hits, it should smash the whole thing to bits!



Almost there...



JUMP!



Success!



And you even survived! Luckily, something broke your fall...



...Oh. Apparently that "something" was your younger self.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

> Have Karma Goose pull up to get over the zombies while you dump the contents of your inventory on them (if there's anything left)

Well, you dumped out a LOT of things back then. I mean, none of it seemed very useful. Better check what's left.



Let's see... there's a question mark... and... the computer from the underground laboratory. Huh, you forgot you were lugging that around.



Well, you might as well drop them.



One down...



And that's two... But what about the rest?



Huh? Wait, that's what the question mark was?



The firing squad starts shooting wildly as they fall off the zombie, which wasn't really designed to hold an entire firing squad on its back at once.



And... that takes care of the rest.



Well, except that one. How are you going to take care of him?

DEATHS 71-74

Show Content

Spoiler

>Throw your shirt at him to blind him into crashing.

Your inventory's empty.



So you decide to fight with the shirt off your back!



Direct hit!



His random firing causes the zombie to go spiraling towards the ground.



That takes care of him...



Unfortunately, without the warmth provided by your shirt, you soon freeze to death.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

>Fly low and disembark behind Grandma's cottage. Infiltrate it, knock her out. Disguise yourself as her and her as yourself. Toss her outside. Wait.

You come up with a plan.



First, you land the goose.



Then, you sneak in through the back.



You locate your grandmother. She's tough, but you might just have the element of surprise this time...



Luckily, you happened to stumble upon her chloroform supply.



You then disguise yourself as her, and her as you. You hope this works.



"Here's that worthless good-for-nothing grandson of mine! Go and do what you will with him!"



Phew. You hope they bought that.



Sounds like they did!



Huh? What's that smoke?



Uh-oh. It seems your grandmother was cooking something when you knocked her out, and the oven's been left on this whole time.



Your grandmother really should get a better stove.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

Smack the karma goose in the head, then duck when it tries to laser you. The lasers will miss and hit the other guy.

You'll have to time this right...



Just in time!



The laser takes care of your pursuer.



It looks like that one zap calmed the goose down, so you're probably safe...



...What?



Apparently, there's more than one bird of karma judging you. And they don't like their karmic retribution being abused.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

Grab onto the Karma Goose real tight and whisper. "When I turn 60 years old, I'm gonna kick like a dozen puppies."

Then wait as he teleports both of you to THE FUTURE!

Since the goose seems to be able to travel beyond time and space, you decide to use it as an escape mechanism, and tell it of a future transgression.



You hold on tightly to the goose, so that you shift through time as it goes to punish your future self.





You arrive in the future and find that you actually will commit this unspeakable crime which warrants karmic retribution.



And judging by the threatening gaze of the goose, it seems that your riding privileges have been revoked retroactively for this heinous deed.



Meanwhile, it seems that the puppies your future self just kicked have very protective mothers.



The Karma Goose simply watches on as both versions of you are torn to shreds in the name of justice.

BAD END
Reloading from last save

> Direct that rocket zombie to the gunman riding on his back as an abundant source of brains. That's a good deed, right? Karma Goose would approve.

"Hey, zombie! You're looking for brains, aren't you? Well, there's some in that guy on your back!"



He seems to have noticed.



The zombie flies around wildly, trying to knock his rider off and claim his delicious, juicy brains.



Somewhere in the process, he makes his way into your goose's flight path.



This is probably not going to end well.

Meanwhile...



"Those worthless zombies haven't had any luck catching him! Get Project J-392 up there!"



Project J-392 is being readied for launch.



...Or not.



Ouch... That hurt. And you're probably surrounded. You'd better get back on your goose...



Oh. Uh. Never mind that plan.



And here comes the next enemy...



Uh. This seems to be a sword-wielding clone of Abraham Lincoln riding some sort of mutant zebra. How are you going to handle this?

DEATH 75

(Special Guest Update by Woffles and whoosh!)

Show Content

Spoiler

> Run away. Really fast.



The instant the very thought of Abraham Lincoln on a mutated zebra crossed your mind, all you could think of was finding the fastest way away from that... abomination! You ran away, as you should have long ago, you thought. Your hopes in defeating your grandmother faded away. You'd say like snow in the sun, but the snowy battlefield and the seemingly eternal night - though with your broken watch and the various skips in reality you no longer had any idea what time it actually was - stayed a constant in this neverending fray.



To be fair, you didn't plan this through in full. Perhaps the cold was getting to you Maybe it was hunger, fatigue, you mind unfurling at all this time-related nonsense.
Nevertheless, for some reason, whatever it was, you thought you could outrun a zebra. Needless to say, your escape was rather brief.

The disappiontment in the sixteenth president's face was clear to anyone. He truly hoped that you would have put up more of a fight. Being reanimated for the very goal of defeating a stray inmate, fugitive from death row, he thought his creator was desperate. That you were dangerous.

His glaive sparkled in the night, Abraham hung glorious over yet another victory in his career. But this time, it might have been his last. He had no idea what the Glorious Leader had in store for him, now that his task was complete. Prisonry? Deletion? Life as a municipal clerk?

No. It couldn't come to that.



You succumbed to the metal edge soon after he caught up with you. In your dying breath, you could only see a silhouette of America's greatest barge on towards Grandmother's cottage. Perhaps he meant to kill. Surely Lincoln counted as conventional means.

But what good is vindication if you aren't there to savor it?

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

> Challenge lincoln to a jousting match. Demand your own mount if he accepts.



A daring glint of instinct, combined with your incredible lack of assessment in situations like these causes you to call out to your assailant.

"Is this how you end my life, President Lincoln? Stabbing me in my most helpless moment?"

The president halts. Maybe you're onto something here.

"I expected more from our greatest president. How about we even the field? I demand from you an even battle! Weapon and mount, fit for a jousting match."

Abraham's voice was rasping, perhaps due to lack of usage. "Very well."



"Whatever beast you can tame on this blasted land, whatever weapon you can salvage from this battle, those shall be your mount and spear. If a duel is what you wish, Mr. Buendía, your challenge has been accepted."

This is your chance to turn this game around. If you can find equipment to defeat Lincoln, you can use it against the rest of your foes as well. What you will do is set in stone. You will turn the tables, and soon bring an end to this entire charade.

How will you do it?

DEATHS 76-78

Show Content

Spoiler

Politely ask him if he'll lend you his zebra and weapon for five minutes.

You decide to cut to the chase and look for the nearest weapon and mount: namely, Abraham Lincoln's.



"You're either a brave man or a fool to ask such a thing, Buendia."



"But I'm game. Take my sword and steed. We'll see if you can handle them."





"Show me what you can do, Buendia."















"A valiant effort, Mr. Buendia. But sadly, it wasn't enough."



"If it's any comfort, you at least made my day a little more interesting."

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

> Build an animal out of the snow. While Lincoln boggles at your idiocy, attempt to attack him in some feeble manner.

Suddenly, inspiration strikes.



You'll build your mount out of the snow itself!



You've created a masterpiece. Surely this creature will aid you in defeating Abraham Lincoln!



Wait, what? It actually moves?



You are destroyed by your own creation. Such is your tragic fate as an artist.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

> Summon the glory that is Karma Goose

Of course! The Karma Goose will be a fine steed. Its laser eyes should give you the edge.



But how will you summon it?



Well, this seems worth a shot.



Success!



Wait, what?



Apparently, your karma was trending closer to the edge than you'd realized.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

Show Content

Spoiler

Suddenly, you spot a creature separated from your grandmother's monstrous horde.



It will make the perfect mount for this battle!



You just need to tame the creature.



...But how exactly are you going to do that?

And come to think of it, don't you need to get a weapon, too?

DEATHS 79-80

Show Content

Spoiler

>Don't use it as your mount, use it as your weapon!

You suddenly get an idea.





With a shark-monster in hand, there's no way Lincoln will beat you!



It's awfully heavy, though.



Well, you were right about Lincoln not beating you. Instead, you got crushed to death under a shark.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

>Trade places with costumed shark man. Blend in with the crowd of monsters.

Wait a minute...



There's something fishy about this shark.



...That was unexpected.



Well, you can imagine how this ends.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

Did you know that you can tame sharks by patting them on the nose? Sharks would face stopping (which would mean death) just to get another pat.

You remember hearing something about taming sharks by patting them on the nose.



It seems to have worked!



But it still seems upset about something.

It just looks annoyed that it doesn't have hands to strangle a bitch with. Find it some nice arms to stick on the end of its fins.

Of course! It wants arms!



But where are you going to get some?





Whoa! What's going on?





Well, that solves that problem.



You attach the arms to the shark's fins with some tape the zombie had in its pockets for some reason.



The shark seems happy! You can probably mount it safely now. But you still need a weapon...

> I'd suggest the Deadly Cheat Menu, but eventually you'll need to fight Glorious Leader and it apparently doesn't work on her. Go get the Slug Magician's magic wand instead. Use the Deadly Cheat Menu to cut through a bit of the frozen lava if you have to.

Aha! The perfect weapon for your duel!



With your new mount, you should be able to get there quickly.





You want to get it out of there, but you don't want to set the ghost slug free...



But you may just have an idea.





Hmm. Getting the wand out may take some work.



Ack!









...Maybe this will work after all.



You have your mount and your weapon.



And now you're ready to face Lincoln!

What's your first move going to be?

DEATHS 81-82

Show Content

Spoiler

> Begin to recite Hamlet. Lincoln probably has a subconscious fear of Shakespeare.

You vaguely remember something about Lincoln and a theater. Maybe you can use this knowledge to your advantage!



"Alas, poor Yorrick... Wherefore art thou Romeo? It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing."



"Hmm? What's all that noise?"



"It's Lincoln! I've been looking for him ever since they reanimated me."



"Time to die again, Abe."



"To be or not to... urk!"



"Dammit! I missed! Now he'll be on his guard."



It seems the answer was "not to be".

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

Fireball his horse. Actually shoot confetti. Everyone laughs.

You decide to blast his horse with a fireball.



...That didn't work quite as you planned.



"Ha ha ha! Do you even know how to use that thing?"



This is pretty embarrassing.







Somehow, having an entire evil army laughing at you feels worse than having them try to kill you.





Now that's more like it! Oh, and you're dead again.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

> Try and conjure up a saltwater lake. That would give you and Legshark a huge advantage over Lincoln and his horse.

You decide to use the wand that you don't actually understand to alter your surroundings, granting you an advantage.





Wow, that actually worked! And now you have the mount that's more suited to the water...



In fact, it looks like you have even more of an advantage than you expected.



"A clever move, Mister Buendia. But not one I was completely unprepared for. This just calls for a change of mounts."



Wow, he can jump pretty far.



And now he's back. And, um, he's got a new mount.

You are about 10 seconds away from execution by firing squid.

Well, you can't say you were expecting this.

What's your next move?

DEATHS 83-84

Show Content

Spoiler

>Cast one of those illusion spells where it creates many illusion copies of yourself.

You decide to attempt a spell for a tactical advantage.



Success! This is bound to confuse that squid!



While the illusions create a diversion, you just need to strike!



But wait. Are you really you, or are you an illusion?



Indeed, the phrase "I think, therefore I am," is well-known, and could aptly be used to answer the above question. For if you are thinking currently, then you are truly existing, and thus, not an illusion. However, it should be known how to define 'thinking,' for perhaps you, as an illusion, could be deceived into thinking that you are thinking. What is thought, really? And how can one be considered to be truly thinking? If a brain in a jar is stimulated to believe that it is a brain in a jar, does it truly know that it is a brain in a jar? Is that true knowledge? Similarly, is your thought simply just simulated thought? A way for you to have autonomous movement separate from the original, real you? Or perhaps, if an illusion does indeed have separate thoughts, it can be considered to be a separate self, and thus, earns the title of something existing. But then one would think that such an illusion would at least have the knowledge, somewhere in the back of its mind, of being a simple off-shoot of an original. No, if an illusion indeed have the power of thought and autonomous movement, then surely it is because it is a copy of the original, and thus has a copy of the original's memories. Therefore, thus, in conclusion--



In your last moments, you are struck by a realization: it isn't really a good idea to stop and wax philosophical while a giant squid has something like thirty guns pointed at you.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

Get an even BIGGER mount.

So, Lincoln's changing mounts, eh? Two can play at that game!







"You think you can scare me with that?"







The battle continues in this vein for a while.



Eventually you and Lincoln seem to settle on your mounts, if only because it's getting very difficult to actually find anything bigger.



Although, gravity starts doing weird things when you're dealing with creatures of this size...










Uh-oh. That's probably not good.



And you just made the sun go supernova, nice job. Naturally, you don't survive the ensuing explosion.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

> Oh, what the fuck. Just try shooting a lot of confetti in its eyes and see if you can't blind it.

You kind of remember something about a confetti spell somehow, so you cast it at the squid.



Wow. That's a lot of confetti. You hope that did something.



...Well, the confetti does seem to be throwing off its aim, but it has a lot of guns to possibly hit you with.



And, uh, it looks like one of its tentacles is flailing in your direction. Better move fast.

Summon the cheat code dealy to try and slice off a tentacle or two!

In desperation, you try one of the few tricks that you know works.



Success!



And the gun-tentacle has landed in the water...



And now it's firing on the squid! That's a lucky break.



...And it seems pretty upset. You, um, might want to do something, and fast.

> Wave the baton around like a conductor's wand and just see what happens.

In desperation, you wave the slug magician's arm around wildly and pretty much hope for the best.





...That was less helpful than you might have hoped.



But it seems to be calming the beast? That might help you somehow...



Or it could just make the squid hysterical and dangerous.







This is getting rather ridiculous.









You have no idea what just happened.





Lincoln has been slain.





Ugh. Well, somehow you survived that. Where'd you end up, though?



...Oh. This could be a problem.

What are you going to do now?

<DragonFogel>
Unless two people want to quickly post to fill space so I don't have to wait 20 minutes.