Zoostuck 3

And then one day there was a beautiful man named mastermind and he was the best and everyone loved him and he went and beated up people that didn't love him.

It has begun. The universe has been recreated and shaped around one man's will.

That man is not you. You predicted what would happen, and saw that there was no way to prevent it. And so, you took the only course of action that was available to you.

You arranged to die.

The talentless hack who controls the universe may be a master schemer, but he has no real knowledge of the afterlife. It is beyond his influence. Here, you have a chance to undo his work.

For you are the author, and you are dead. You failed to protect the universe, but it was impossible for you to succeed, and even more impossible for your champion to do so on his own.

But now you have a chance. The mastermind has created a universe from his own lack of creativity. What he does not realize is that this has actually hampered his ability to control events, for what the universe can do is limited by his own imagination.

That means, if you find the right weak points in his universe, you can undo it and he won't be able to stop you.

There's just one problem. You're dead.

You could potentially return to the living world, but that would put you right in his sphere of influence. You're going to need to work through an intermediary.

Of course, you already know where you'll be looking for help.

A young man stands in his bedroom. It just so happens that today, the 13th of April, is this young man's birthday. Though it was thirteen years ago he was given life, it is only today he will be given a name!

What will the name of this young man be?

>John Egbert

> Dragon Fogel

Jogh Edgebert

Zoosmell Pooplord

Yes, your name is Zoosmell Pooplord. And you spend every waking moment thinking about how you're not nearly as great as the the greatest guy in the world. You don't even have a cool name like he does, a cool name like...

>John Egbert

Yeah, that's... no, that name sounds vaguely familiar, but it's not the name of the greatest guy in the world who you have no hope of ever being anywhere near as cool as. It's still a cooler name than Zoosmell Pooplord, though. That's a dumb name that you totally deserve for being so dumb. You don't deserve a cool name like...

> Dragon Fogel

...like that, wait, no, who would name their kid that. Well, okay, it's still better than Zoosmell Pooplord, pretty much every name is. But it's still a loser name for some kind of loser.

No, the name you're really jealous of is the coolest name in the universe, which is of course

Jogh Edgebert

Jogh Edgebert. Seriously, that's an awesome name. His first name makes no sense at all, which is way cool, and his second name even has "Edge" in it, which is a cool word. What an awesome guy, you think about him all the time and you wish you could be his friend but you're so uncool that'll never happen, even though he's the coolest guy and never says anything mean to uncool people. Not even you, and you're the uncoolest of all.

Man, you wish you were cool.

You can be.

No you can't, you're super uncool. Seriously, you wouldn't even know where to begin on being remotely cool. You're pretty sure it would violate a fundamental law of the universe if you somehow became cool.

How is a total loser like you supposed to be cool? What could you even do?

> Stuff yourself in the refrigerator.

Forever.

You can't possibly be serious Fogel

What next

Zoostuck mafia

SpoilerShow

There will be a Zoostuck 3 after all.

You can't say I didn't warn you.

Sunglasses.

> Stuff yourself in the refrigerator.

Forever.

Yes! The refrigerator cools things, so it's sure to make you cool! Although it's probably going to take a long time, but hey, all you'll miss out on is your wholly unfulfilling life. You don't see how there's any downside here.

You step into the refrigerator and close the door, prepared to wait for as long as it takes for you to be truly cool.

You leave about five minutes later, shivering. It's cold in there! Plus, you don't really have the attention span to sit in a refrigerator for that long without getting bored. Maybe there's a faster way.

Sunglasses.

Of course! Sunglasses will make you cool! Or at least slightly less uncool. Or at least they'll make it harder for people to recognize you as that uncool Zoosmell Pooplord. You just need to get a pair, somewhere.

Except, you've already gotten bored of this whole idea of trying to be cool...

No you haven't.

Wait, no, being cool is still something you actually want. But you don't know where to even look for sunglasses! And you definitely don't have the attention span to look very hard.

You are now someone with a pair of cool sunglasses. Who are you and what are you doing?

> Insufferable Prick

Make sunglasses from the sun

your name is dav and you are trying to hang out with your sis

your name is davy jones and you're stuck in sad a locker

Your name is Dragon Fogel, and you're making preparations for your magnum opus, Zoostuck 4.

> Insufferable Prick

your name is dav and you are trying to hang out with your sis

your name is davy jones and you're stuck in sad a locker

Your name is Dragon Fogel, and you're making preparations for your magnum opus, Zoostuck 4.

Yes, you are Davy "Insufferable Prick" Jones, though you prefer to go by Dragon Fogel because you think that's a cool name for some reason. Admittedly, it's much cooler than your actual nickname, which you had no say in.

You were trying to hang out with your much cooler sister and get her to help you with your masterpiece (which you were thinking of naming "Zoostuck 4"), but instead she just stuffed you in a locker.

Specifically, Locker Sad A because this place uses a really weird numbering system for lockers. However, the upside is that you found some really cool sunglasses in this locker. Too bad nobody can actually see you in them because you're stuck in a locker.

Make sunglasses from the sun

Uh, yeah? As the sun's premier sunglasses manufacturer, you already do that. It hasn't stopped your sister from stuffing you in a locker, though.

It's also way too cramped to work on Zoostuck 4 in here, so you're going to need to find some way out. Unfortunately, between the locker and the sunglasses, you're having a hard time seeing anything at all in here, let alone any clues you could use to help you out.

You are now Insufferable Prick's sister. You waged a national campaign across Sun France to get your brother's official nickname to be "Insufferable Prick", which is weird because those aren't Sun French words and you don't live in Sun France or anywhere near it. Still, if he ever goes to Sun France, that's what he'll be called, and you're damn proud of it.

Anyways, you just stuffed your annoying brother in a locker. What are you going to do now?

You're going to declare the locker Sun France

You're going to declare the locker Sun France

Perfect. This will just require a quick trip to the Sun French Embassy and a tireless lobbying campaign to get Sun France to annex a single locker. You'll get started on that right away.

You are now the ambassador from Sun France. You have just received a call from the President of Sun France informing you of a new bill passed by the Sun French Parliament which makes it illegal for Sun France to annex any lockers. You cannot imagine why they would do that or why this was important enough to call you about, but you're used to the nonsensical whims of the Sun French government. After all, they made you an ambassador when you've never been to Sun France in your life and don't speak a word of Sun French.

Unfortunately, your sun psychic powers inform you that some girl is on her way to ask you to annex a locker. As the price for gaining sun psychic powers, you are not allowed to turn down any requests made to you on a Sun Day, which is every day. This means you must somehow prevent her from actually making the request, or you will be faced with a choice between losing your sun psychic powers or breaking Sun French law.

So how are you going to handle this?

> Try to ask help from the Saturnian government. Maybe even pay them a visit.

> Saturnians: Panic as the sun literally warms up to you

murder

You're going to have to ask for help from the (ugh) Moonited Kingdom

> Take nudes of the Sun

SpoilerShow

oh man, these are pretty ho- OH MY EYESS AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! AAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

murder

That's a problem.

See, Sun France's laws are a mess. While you technically have diplomatic immunity, you'll be prosecuted for anything you do here that's illegal in Sun France, and as it happens, right now murder is. As is conspiracy to commit murder, so it's not as if you can just hire someone to make a kill on your behalf.

So you'll either need to figure out another way, or somehow get murder legalized in Sun France. Which is possible because they're that corrupt and erratic, but given their complex parliamentary system, it would take way too long. There's no way you could get the law passed in time.

You're going to have to ask for help from the (ugh) Moonited Kingdom

Unless, that is, you helped another country take over Sun France to revamp their laws. It turns out that treason is not actually illegal there this week.

But the only nation that might be able to do it fast enough is the Moonited Kingdom, and considering they've recently signed onto the Moonited States' absurd insistence that the sun is actually the moon, that's not going to be a pleasant prospect.

Still, if you're going to arrange the murder of a girl to stop her from asking you to do her a favor that you would be compelled to do but would get you in legal trouble, you're going to have to make a few compromises. You call up the Moon Prime Minister of the Moonited Kingdom at once.

You are now the Moon Prime Minister of the Moonited Kingdom. Some guy is calling and asking you to take over Sun France so you can legalize murder there, and he would like you to do it in the next hour or so.

This sounds like a good idea as far as policy goes, but Sun France is all the way over on the sun. How are you supposed to get your invasion forces there when you're on the moon?

you just fucking said, the moon is the sun. keep your god damn story straight for half a fucking second