Consistency

Loather of Irk, that's what

wear... pants.

Now merge the two

Um, a peanut donut, OBVIOUSLY.

I am completely out of cream cheese.

spaghettonia, the planet of well-toned spaghetti people

Loather of Irk, that's what

That's right! What must be the Loather of Irk. All the clues fit together perfectly, there's no other possibility.

That still leaves the question of which of these people are actually Who and Why, though. How are you going to figure that out?

wear... pants.

Yes... pants... will... be... the... perfect... disguise.

These... Earth... creatures... will... not... suspect... a... thing.

But... what... color... will... the... pants... be?

Now merge the two

You merge the two, leaving the three, seven, and nine. Your current total is fourteen.

Available operations remaining are expunge, reciprocate, divide. Which will you select next?

Um, a peanut donut, OBVIOUSLY.

Yes, seriously, how can this waitress not already know what you want? Any server worth your time would have mastered the art of telepathy for the sole purpose of knowing what you want before you even arrive. You will definitely not be leaving a tip.

Oh, and what kind of nonsense is this? She insists you order something that is actually on the lunch menu. As if a peanut donut were not the perfect lunch already! What sort of inferior restaurant is this?

Why, if you weren't so hungry, you'd walk right out of here this instant. But you have little choice. You'll have to settle for the least unpleasant item on the menu. This is an outrage, but one you will have to deal with on a full stomach.

So what item will you order?

I am completely out of cream cheese.

The officer looks at you in horror, and you quickly realize why. You forgot just how important cream cheese is in this country. You might as well have confessed to murder.

He's already reaching for his gun. You've got to do something, quick. How are you going to get out of this mess?

spaghettonia, the planet of well-toned spaghetti people

Ah, yes. "Spaghettonia, the planet of well-toned spaghetti people" is the perfect name for your new town... except it won't fit on these signs. You told the city council they should have budgeted for bigger signs, but no, they said it was a waste of money that could have gone to welfare programs and public schools. What a bunch of jerks.

Well, there's no way you're compromising on this after coming up with the perfect name. So what are you going to do about the sign problem?

Dr. Hook and the Medicine Band.

The Anti-Vaccination Lobby.

Do chestnuts eat hedgehogs?/That would be scary wouldn't it!

shoot the shit, it's a real crapshoot

I'm going to die of laughter! Please stop stabbing me with your funny boner.

explosive peanuts are the best snack! The FDA approves it as the tastiest, most dangerous snack one can have on an airplane. Fortunately, no one cares what the FDA thinks on these matters.

In fact, the FDA is illegal! Where did this paper come from?

Dr. Hook and the Medicine Band.

Ah, yes. That's the perfect title for your story about Captain Hook's later years, where he completes medical school and starts a rock band with his classmates.

Now you just need to figure out the title of the song that they'll play in the dramatic climax where they have to face off against Peter Pan and the Lost Boys, who came over to the real world just to mess with Hook. What are you going to call it?

The Anti-Vaccination Lobby.

Yeah, you're sick of sitting around in your room, but you don't feel like heading out in this weather. Especially with the talk of measles going around. Good thing it hasn't reached the Anti-Vaccination Hotel yet.

You head over to the elevator and emerge in the lobby, but when you step out, someone points at you in a panic.

"MEASLES!"

Wait, what? You couldn't have the measles! You're supposed to be safe here!

What are you going to do now?

Do chestnuts eat hedgehogs?/That would be scary wouldn't it!

You glance at the slain Chest Nut. There is something green and leafy hanging out of its latch, and the Hedge Pork merchant was complaining about his supply going down recently.

But this one Nut couldn't have eaten that many Hedge Hogs. If that's what's been going on, there must be more of them... a lot more. And that's only possible if someone is actively breeding them.

So are you going to press on and see what else you can find in this dungeon, or head back to town and warn everyone?

shoot the shit, it's a real crapshoot

You start talking with your opponent as you ready your gun and aim it at the dice table. You ask them if they've played much before.

"Oh, you could say that." They reach into their jacket and pull out a Tri-State-Area Craps-Shooting Champion trophy. "Won this five years running."

Uh-oh. You're starting to think maybe you shouldn't have wagered so much on this game.

But you have to stay calm, and focus on the dice. There's a 1, a 3, and a 6 that haven't been hit yet. Which one will you aim for?

I'm going to die of laughter! Please stop stabbing me with your funny boner.

You can't take this punishment any more. You like your bones, after all! You promptly surrender and tell your interrogator that you're headed to the Die of Laughter.

She looks at you skeptically before putting her bone-removal tool away.

"If that's where you're really headed, this would have been a mercy," she says, undoing your chains. "But if you insist, we may as well take you the rest of the way. After all, it's not as if you'll have any way to tell anyone of our existence once you're there."

Uh-oh. You feel like you don't want to take her up on her offer. You still have to get to the Die, but under these circumstances? That doesn't sound like a good idea.

How can you escape?

explosive peanuts are the best snack! The FDA approves it as the tastiest, most dangerous snack one can have on an airplane. Fortunately, no one cares what the FDA thinks on these matters.

In fact, the FDA is illegal! Where did this paper come from?

You read over the message, baffled. Why did the French Diaper Association send you this missive about explosive peanuts? And more to the point, how? You dismantled their whole organization a week ago. It's true that some sympathizers might have started up a new branch, but how could they possibly have found the means to contact you so quickly?

This calls for an investigation. Who will you assign to the task?

best.

flip the entire graveyard upside down

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Be the Seven.

Capture the numericon, extigua will vanish

But how do you plan for a bank full of nuns?

The dice are weigthedsdf

best.

Verily, it is decided. Threats or no threats, this is a matter of honor. You cannot forfeit this match. You will best this scoundrel, no matter the cost. You turn to face him and announce that you accept his challenge.

The cur sees the determination in your eyes, and you see the fear in his. No doubt he thought your will would bend before his underhanded schemes, but you cannot back down. The weight of your sacrifice will be great, but you have no choice. It is a small price to pay for putting an end to his villainy.

Flustered, your foe begins dealing the cards. The contest has not even begun and you have already claimed the advantage. You merely need to press it.

You glance at your hand. You immediately lay down two pairs, leaving you a deuce, a jack, and an eight. But your rival soon laughs and lays down three. You may have thrown him off, but the score is in his favor for now.

However, it is your turn. If fortune is with you, and you ask for the last card in his hand, you can even the playing field. Which card will you ask the ruffian for?

flip the entire graveyard upside down

Yeah, you're through playing by the rules. You flip the graveyard upside down and toss it on top of the deck, and flash a smirk at your opponent, just daring them to do something about it. The referee's already dead, what are they going to do?

They begin chanting. Oh hell. It looks like they're using dark magic to reanimate the referee's corpse!

Your only chance is to make a play so shocking that it disrupts their concentration. So what's it going to be?


You lift up your newly-drawn card and glance into the crowd. You're way down, and every turn counts at this point. You'll have to go for hitting the richest member of the audience, and that's going to be Wilburg Halflington, Esq., the best lawyer in town.

Fortunately, his hat makes him easy to spot. You concentrate, and fling your card right, hitting him right in the nose. He falls over, and your score rockets up.

But Suzette isn't giving up. In fact, she's laughing, and you soon see why. Halflington was only the richest person in town, but you've got a visitor tonight: Lady Penelope Pennington, and she's got enough money to buy this whole arena six times over with enough to spare for a down payment on a new yacht. If this card hits, it's all over for you.

You've got to act fast, find some way to make that shot miss. How are you going to stop Suzette from winning this?

Be the Seven.

Yes... Of course. If you meditate and focus, you can be one with the Seven of Diamonds, the card that will win you this game. Then you will be assured of victory.

You concentrate hard and find your consciousness merging with the Seven... of Clubs? Damn! You must have misspoken the incantation! Worse, you can sense the Seven of Diamonds, and you realize that it is at the very bottom of the deck. You can still will the Seven of Clubs to be your next draw, for it is you, but the Seven of Diamonds is beyond your influence.

You must plan your next play now. What will it be?

Capture the numericon, extigua will vanish

Of course! You play the Duo of Panache on the Numericon of Hides, claiming it for yourself and removing the entire Extigua suit from the game. Now the playing field is much more in your favor, as your Luminescents can advance unimpeded.

But your opponent suddenly laughs, as he slaps down the Triad of Harmony. Damn! You should have expected that! Your Luminescents will still be able to push forward, but they'll be forbidden from attacking! His deck might have been overreliant on Extigua, but that won't matter - as long as he can play even one card and move it across the field, he'll be able to win!

This calls for drastic measures. You flip the Dreadnought of Luminescence face-down, allowing you to sacrifice the remainder of your deployed force in exchange for drawing one specific card from the deck. You have one chance to turn this game around. Which card will you draw?

But how do you plan for a bank full of nuns?

Damn, that's right. You hadn't thought anything of it at the time, but Karlos has been winning all the tricks with nuns in them. If he put them all into his bank, this could be trouble.

You may be a master tactician, but you've hit your limit here. There are no good plans at a time like this, only reckless ones that might work if you're lucky. So which of your last-resort tactics are you going to pull out here?

The dice are weigthedsdf

Of course! That's why your hand is so terrible! That bastard slipped you a bad pair of draw-dice! Probably messed with the deck to make sure the worst cards would be where your dice landed, too.

Unfortunately, your realization has come too late. You can't issue a challenge during the Sudden Death round. But maybe you can find some way to turn this cheat on the cheater. You've still got to roll your dice, but now that you know about the weights, maybe you can do something about them.

But what? How are you going to get out of this mess?

ayoli

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Turn into a tornado!

A number three with no pickles.