Zoostuck 2

ask page 9

Ask page π.

ask page 9

Okay, you will... wait a minute, that's this page! Oh sure, it might look like Page 8 but that's only because you're not there.

Well, let's see what Page 9 has to say.

Ask Page 1

Page 1, huh? Okay then, let's take a look.

Package that open.

>CONSUME EVERYTHING IN YOUR VICINITY.

Anything except open that package!

You heroically resort to cannibalism at the most inopportune times. People need help doing their laundry? Can't seem to find those car keys? Haven't paid the bills? Eat them eat them eat them.

You ate a dragon.

Okay, well. What you're getting from this is that you should eat everyone and everything in sight, and you definitely shouldn't open any packages, but you should package the French Open. Somehow.

This leaves two problems. First, as a page, how are you going to eat anything? Second, how are you even going to get to France to package the open? Oh, and also there's the question of how any of this is going to help you save this adventure.

Seriously, it's like Page 1 isn't even trying to help. You need a different approach.

Ask page π.

Of course! You'll ask a page that isn't visible to the normal reader and may not even exist. It's the perfect solution.

Um, where exactly are you going to look for this page?

On the Transcendental Plains!

On the Transcendental Plains!

You'd think so, but you've been hiding out here for weeks and haven't seen a single other page. Or anything at all, for that matter. It's a pretty boring place, all things considered. That's probably why you've been poking around looking outside the universe, there just isn't much else to do.

But wait! You're a page on the Transcendental Plains! Could it be that you've secretly been Page π this whole time, and the whole Page 2 thing was merely a ruse to throw everyone off? In which case the advice to ask Page π was to look deep within yourself for the truth! Yes, yes it all makes sense now...

"There you are, geez. Do you have any idea how vast this place is? I've been trying to track you down since you got here."

Oh. It's Page π. Apparently it's been looking for you. Well, at least you can get advice from it now. This could be a very interesting conversation filled with highly plot-relevant details, so obviously it's time for a perspective shift.

You are now a paleontologist, and you're annoyed because your entire plotline seems to have been forgotten. You've teamed up with a velociraptor to fight a pumpkin. Unbeknownst to either of you, your actions will lead to the establishment of the first dinosaur president instead of the first skeleton president and throw off future history.

Of course, what you're doing right now is a critical step in this process, which entails... um... what exactly are you trying to do right now?

Name the melon jack.

Kiss a skeleton

Discover the meaning of life.

Review Ancient Healing Magic of a Necromantic Nature, Accidentally drop the other Tablet.

Name the melon jack.

Oh, that's right, you were trying to come up with a name for this cantelope. You can't remember exactly why, but whatever the reason, "Jack" is a good name. If it turns out the cantelope is female, you can just suggest "Jackie" as an alternative.

That's settled, but you have no idea what you accomplished with it. So time to move on to the next matter, which is...

Discover the meaning of life.

Ah, that's right. The Meaning Of Life. You've found the body of the one person who ever figured out what that is and you're trying to resurrect them so you can ask. Now, how are you going to do that?

Review Ancient Healing Magic of a Necromantic Nature, Accidentally drop the other Tablet.

Oh, right, these two ancient tablets you found explaining necromancy. You glance over them and, hmm. This first tablet's confusing, what does the other one say?

...You have no idea, because you just dropped it and it broke into several thousand pieces. Stupid ancient tablets, if you made one it would be good for more than about five thousand years of erosion and one strong impact.

Well, it looks like you'll have to improvise. How are you going to do this?

Kiss a skeleton

The first thing that comes to mind is mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. You lean in to kiss the skeleton, not realizing that in doing so you will seal the soul within it for eternity and prevent it from being revived to become President.

You are now that guy from the past who got stuck with the name Zoosmell Pooplord. You were warned about a grave threat to the future by a squirrel who returned from the dead and gained out-of-control psychic powers.

Thanks to a conveniently-placed Delorean, you have one chance to get the timeline back on track by stopping this paleontologist from kissing a skeleton. You've arrived just moments before the fateful kiss that will complete this stage of the greater singularity of complexity's plans. If you can stop it, you have a chance of saving everything, somehow.

So what are you going to do?

Explore sexuality with Delorean

Propose a marriage between the back of his head and a very old, but still serviceable, brick.

Run him over

Explore sexuality with Delorean

That sounds really time-consuming, and you're not even allowed to know what sexuality means at your age. Of course you do precisely because you're not allowed, but still.

Anyways, you need to move fast, so you're going to...

Propose a marriage between the back of his head and a very old, but still serviceable, brick.

Yeah, that's it! Give this creepy paleontologist a romantic interest to keep him away from the skeleton. The only problem is, you don't have a brick and don't know where to get one.

If only there were something you could do with the materials you have at hand. Something like...

Run him over

Oh yeah, this "car" thing can move as well as travel through time! That's probably helpful here. You rush forwards and strike the paleontologist, knocking him away...

And also knocking the skeleton into a lot of little pieces. Uh-oh.

Okay, okay, it's not too late, maybe. You can fix this, possibly. You just have to put this skeleton back together and bring it to life.

How are you going to do that, exactly?

Use the ancient ritual of I'dun Owat Eym'Doong!

Hot glue

Consult a paleontologist!

Consult a paleontologist!

Oh, hey, you have this vague sense that maybe the guy you just ran over will have some ideas of how to put a skeleton back together. Unfortunately, he's not exactly conscious right now, so you aren't too hopeful.

You ask a rhetorical question, and much to your surprise, he mumbles a response. It sounds like, uh...

Use the ancient ritual of I'dun Owat Eym'Doong!

It sounds like some kind of ancient language, probably a mystic ritual. Paleontologists probably know a lot about those. Unfortunately, not being a paleontologist, you don't. So you'll have to improvise. But how, exactly?

Hot glue

Oh, right, the Delorean has a ton of hot glue in the trunk for some reason. You can probably fit the skeleton back together with that.

You are now the skeleton president in the future. Because of the absolute time sense you developed on your mission to find some evil to bring back, you are keenly aware as your body becomes misshapen due to some idiot putting you back together the wrong way in the past.

You're going to have to do something about this, right after you figure out what to do about this horrible monstrosity from the Atlantic Ocean that's still wreaking havoc, seriously, you'd think it would get bored and go back home by now.

So what are you going to do about it?

Simple, Trap it in a Paradox.

Send it to the pacific ocean.

Simple, Trap it in a Paradox.

Oh, sure, that's a great idea IF YOU WANT TO MAKE EVERYTHING WORSE.

Well, technically you do because you made a perfect society and you need it to be less perfect. So maybe you should give this idea some consideration. But you'd prefer to give it that consideration when you don't have a giant monster attacking you.

Send it to the pacific ocean.

Wait, that's it! If these monsters came from the Atlantic Ocean, maybe sending them to the Pacific will, uh, something!

Yeah, okay, you're flailing with that one, but it's not like you have any better ideas. But how are you going to get it there? You can't just give it a free one-way-ticket to Hawaii, can you?

Yes you can.

Yes you can.

Wait just a minute. You're the goddamn President, and that means you can give free one-way-tickets to Hawaii to whoever you want. It's in the Constitution!

You promptly stamp a ticket with your official Presidential stamp and hand it to the monster.

You are now a hideous monster from the depths of the Atlantic Ocean. You have just been handed a one-way ticket to Hawaii by the President, and you are very confused.

On the one hand, you've always wanted to visit Hawaii. On the other hand, you think you dissolve or something if you go into the Pacific Ocean. Plus you're not finished destroying Washington DC, you can't just leave the job half-done! But if you destroy the government, the airline might not honor your government-issued ticket.

So what are you going to do?

Hmmm. Obviously the solution is to make a better government.