Zoostuck 2

Once upon a time, there was a young man named Zoosmell Pooplord. He went on a quest to discover how he ended up with such a stupid name, and many exciting things happened over the course of this journey.

You, however, know nothing about Zoosmell Pooplord or the exciting adventure involving him. In fact, from your chronological perspective, none of it has actually happened yet. There is no conceivable way it could be relevant to your life at all, so let's focus on who you are and what you're doing right now.

You are a young boy and you have just decided to help your slave friend escape. You also met a spider who spells words out in her web. You also found this weird and highly ominous package. The spider's web spells "DON'T OPEN THAT PACKAGE".

What will you do?

Package that open.

Name myself Farmstink Buttlass.

Also shake the package and see if it rattles.

>CONSUME EVERYTHING IN YOUR VICINITY.

Browse web

Anything except open that package!

Log onto Mspaintadventures.com

Browse web

You already did that, it says "DON'T OPEN THAT PACKAGE"! Pay attention.

Open the spiders web

You try to, but the spider bites you. It hurts, and doesn't even give you spider powers!

Name myself Farmstink Buttlass.

Also shake the package and see if it rattles.

You already have a name! You guess you could change it, maybe you'll have to after you help out your friend, but why would you change it to something stupid like that?

You can totally shake the package, though, so you do that.

You hear an ominous rumbling in the distance as you shake the package. Panicking, you set it down. You should probably just leave the thing alone forever.

Log onto Mspaintadventures.com

How are you supposed to do that? You'd have to wait for somebody to invent computers and the internet and mspaintadventures.com and probably all kinds of other stuff you don't know about!

Plus that would make you a total nerd. Who wants to be a total nerd?

You are now a total nerd, living in a time after computers and the internet and mspaintadventures.com and all kinds of other stuff have been invented.

Although you're currently making use of these inventions by visiting mspaintadventures.com, the invention you really appreciate right now is coffee. You take a sip of it as you wait for the page to load and...

Hey! Your coffee cup just vanished! And it's showing up on the webpage? What the hell?

Well, that's just great. You need coffee to distract yourself from your job, which is cleaning up the massive pile of garbage that's covering the entire planet. It's a horrible job and you hate it but somehow you're solely responsible for it.

So what are you going to do about either the coffee or your job?

Drink Coffee, but instead, it's tea

Just die

You clearly have the power to upload things to the internet. Dump all the garbage onto mspaintadventures.com while you're at it.

You clearly have the power to upload things to the internet. Dump all the garbage onto mspaintadventures.com while you're at it.

This would be a great idea if you could figure out how exactly you did that. I mean, it's not like you can just point at the screen while you think about all the garbage and...

Oh, hey. mspaintadventures.com is now covered in the entire world's supply of garbage. Your cup of coffee is somewhere underneath all of that, but you don't especially care about getting it back any more for somewhat obvious reasons.

Drink Coffee, but instead, it's tea

You still need a drink, though, so you decide to take care of that now. Unfortunately, with your coffee cup trapped in cyberspace, your only other dish is a teacup, so you'll have to have tea instead. That's just logical.

You promptly make the tea and drink it and...

POOF!

Suddenly, you turn into a squirrel. Great. Now what are you going to do?

Just die

You ponder ending your life due to your new form, but then it occurs to you that you've finished the job you were hired to do and so you should probably collect your pay. The office is just across the street, after all. You head out and scurry across and...

Oh, whoops. You just got run over by a truck. Probably should have looked both ways. You are now dead.

Suddenly, you wake up. You are somehow not dead. Except you can't move. You can, however, hear maniacal laughter nearby.

"It worked! The squirrel lives again, under my control! Arise, my squirrel servant!"

You find yourself standing up. You are staring directly at an evil wizard.

"Now, dance for me! Dance!"

You are compelled to do so. Even though you're a lousy dancer.

"Yes! Yes! Soon, the entire world will fall before me!"

Well, that's just great. You're alive, but you're under the control of this evil wizard. You don't really care for that. Well, being alive is great, compared to being dead, but you really prefer doing things for yourself. And you still haven't gotten paid!

Plus you really feel like you should gather nuts for the winter, but you don't think this guy's going to let you do that.

So what's the plan?

Gather the evil wizard's nuts

Gather the evil wizard's nuts

You can't really do that because he hasn't ordered you to. It suddenly occurs to you that opposing this evil wizard is going to be really difficult.

"Well, that's some nice dancing," he suddenly says, in a more sultry tone than you expected. "But I bet it made you hungry. I bet you'd like some... nuts. Why don't you come over here."

You find yourself moving towards the wizard, dancing all the while, as he slowly opens his robe and...

DING-DONG!

"Oh, curses, who could that be?" the wizard mutters, putting his robe back on. "Wait right there until I get back."

Well, you're stuck waiting here. This stinks. Although it's probably better than what you're worried was about to happen.

You are now an evil wizard and you're very annoyed because your plans for your newly-resurrected squirrel minion were rudely interrupted by whoever that is at the door of your evil tower.

Who is it, exactly?

Nut delivery!

The Church of the Flaming People who want to hug you

The cast of Homestuck, except they're made of wasps

Nut delivery!

The Church of the Flaming People who want to hug you

The cast of Homestuck, except they're made of wasps

You open the door and find a bunch of kids. Or at least they're vaguely shaped like kids. Some of them, anyways, you can't even tell what the rest are supposed to be.

On closer examination, you realize they're made of wasps, and also on fire. Their leader waves to you.

"Hello! We were in the middle of playing some kind of game that was going to destroy the universe to create a new one or something, then we found a new religion. We want to hug everyone--"

You quickly slam the door in their faces. You do not want to be hugged by flaming wasps.

"--and we also deliver nuts door-to-door."

Oh, that changes things. You open the door again and start talking. Maybe you can manage to negotiate some sort of arrangement where you get nuts but no hugs.

You are now a hero. Or at least you should be a hero, but there's no evil at all in the world, so you're looking for evil in other universes and hoping to lure it into yours so you have something to vanquish.

Anyways, you've been leaping through dimensions for a while and just found this evil wizard's tower. An evil wizard would be a great source of evil, you should totally bring him back home with you.

Unfortunately, he seems to be busy arguing with some kids made out of flaming wasps or something. You'll have to think of a way to get him to stop doing that and start taking over your universe instead.

But before that, you need to exposit in great detail to no one in particular about who, exactly, you are and what makes you so heroic. It's important to keep your priorities straight!

So who are you and what makes you so heroic?

You're the first skeleton president, and you are perfect in every way. Your administration was so successful that there is absolutely nothing wrong left with the world; as a result voter apathy is at an all-time high. If you don't bring conflict back into the world literally nobody will vote. Without votes, democracy will die! You have to save democracy!

You heroically resort to cannibalism at the most inopportune times. People need help doing their laundry? Can't seem to find those car keys? Haven't paid the bills? Eat them eat them eat them.

You ate a dragon.

You're the first skeleton president, and you are perfect in every way. Your administration was so successful that there is absolutely nothing wrong left with the world; as a result voter apathy is at an all-time high. If you don't bring conflict back into the world literally nobody will vote. Without votes, democracy will die! You have to save democracy!

That's right. You are President Skeleton, and you have a democracy to save! By threatening it and then saving it.

But even though you are an amazingly heroic President, you can't do this alone. That's why you got one of your campaign contributors to genetically engineer an elite squad to help you fight evil, back before your administration totally eradicated evil. That was six years ago, and technically the elite squad isn't totally ready yet, being only six years old, but they're still the best of the best. At least that's what the company told you.

So all you need to do is find your elite squad and give them some orders. If you could figure out where they are. And what orders to give them. Maybe they ran off to get ice cream or something.

You are now the spy. You are a six-year old member of the President's elite squad and a master of disguise. You would be helping the President bring evil into the world in order to save it at this very moment, if not for the fact that you are faced with an extremely important problem which demands all your attention.

What flavor of ice cream will you order?

Chaos-Dimension flavor.

Chaos-Dimension flavor.

Ah, of course. It's an obvious choice now that you've thought about it. Chaos dimensions can taste like everything, so obviously if you get Chaos Dimension ice cream, it will taste like every other kind of ice cream you could have gotten. You promptly make the order.

The ice cream vendor just kind of stares at you.

"We don't serve that," he said. "How about Rocky Road?"

Oh. That sounds good, you guess. The vendor gives you a scoop of Rocky Road and you hand him some money before going off on your mission, whatever it was.

You are now the ice cream vendor. This weird kid in a balaclava just asked you for an ice cream flavor you've never heard of. You just gave him some Rocky Road and got rid of him.

This is some weird-looking money he gave you, though. For instance, this quarter. Instead of IN GOD WE TRUST, it says HEY THIS IS GOD TURNS OUT YOU'RE MY SECOND COUSIN HOW'S IT GOING.

At first you thought it was a prank, but the divine glow emanating from it and the choir of angels suggest that it may be something more, such as a ridiculously elaborate prank.

Well, you feel like you should answer the question, since it's apparently from God and all. How is it going?

> It isn't going in the first place! What's he talking about. Toss the coin away and await divine retribution