The 2am thread

its almost 2 am!! goodnight friends

So on Saturday I fell down the stairs.

Luckily, the impact was spread out, so no specific thing seems too badly injured. Still got some lingering pain, though, and it's making my already sporadic sleep schedule even worse because it's hard to find a comfortable sleeping position that doesn't put too much pressure on the sore spots.

I'm doing okay considering, but obviously it's not all that fun.

Its not 2am yet but its late at night and i feel like death

its 2am now and i still want to die

I want a milkshake

my bed broke and i was a shit baby about it because im a fucking disgusting wreck who cant deal with the fact that everything exists only to rot around them

i keep telling myself theres nothing i could have done and i removed the frame so im just on the mattress and its fine other than the fact that im not used to looking at my tv from here and theres other shit that was under my bed that i need to deal with but im just so utterly crushed and wrecked by this because its my bed i literally live on it but now that i have to throw it away tmoz i hate every part of it i hate how it was fucking put together i hate how i got a new mattress that was too big for it i hate that tomorrow im going to have to throw every piece of it away and be reminded of my growing frailty and weakness and overall shittyness all because everything in my life makes me want to just rotate between ffxiv/blizzard games/whatever third thing is in my life because otherwise i need to deal with the fact that im a digusting and hopless disasterr

my ingers hurt because of the shit i had to do with this fucking bed and im so tired and im so weak and doing anything about trying to make my life better doesnt work or pan out because if i try to do a small nice thing then a big bad thing will happen and i should just give up and eat junk food until i die lol

i dont even know if i want another new bedframe i dont want to deal with having to bring such a thing up to my familes shitty small apartment on the second floor i dont want to deal with trucks or vans or whatever to transport a bed frame i dont want to do any of it and i would on some level just prefer to get like, as nonsense as it sounds ,some sort of fucking big cushion to sink into instead and thats one of the thing s thats wrong with me i dont, ever, come up with solutions to things that make fucking sense, oh, why would i need a monitor for my new computer, cant my tv just do fine, oh, i cant change any of my tv's settings because im shit, COOL, oh, i dont know if i want a bed frame, maybe if i buy more pillows i will be able to better sit myself on my bed, oh, i dont want to gridn this thing that way, ill grind it this way, its fine, everythings, fine, everything i do, is completely, and totally wrong, in every way imaginiable

i dont know what to do with anything other than rely on jac and its fucking pathetic and unfair but its just, good, to be able to rely on someone, when you're so fucked

I Feel So Much Suffering And All It Allows Is Flowery Sentences And A Diminished Ability To Do Anything

I like the way i word things when i think about my suffering and sometimes i wish i could do something with that but all i can do is complain about it... i wish, a lot of things

i wanted to try to do things once jac left but i cant and its funny bc like

jac is here i have energy i should make plans to do things after he leaves since i want to do things with him and feel good and happy together with him

jac is gone and thats bad ill leave things for later when im less sad because obviously im just really sad because hes gone

oh this is just my default now isnt it

It says a lot about my sleeping schedule that I have this daily moment where I think "Oh dang, I could've posted in the 2AM thread."

But at least I get to watch Gime's robot stream without being half a sleep so that's a plus.

i saw a bunch of comments tonight calling me ugly and usually it doesn't get to me but for some reason tonight it makes me feel like absolute scum

i had to go to sleep to get away from everyone this afternoon and when i woke up all i could taste was acid

they didn't leave me any dinner

aghh fuck it's not two am yet but it feels like it and I just need to dump some shit and this place feels like the best place to do it. mspaforums, although I know people better there, just feels too big and public. like I don't know people here as well as say tronn or bigbrain or tegerioreo but at the same time everything feels so much more comfortable here, like I know everybody at least a little bit even though ive only been here like maybe a month.

anyway.

im just so fucking anxious all the time again. it's the worst. like I even procrastinated updating officequest, which is literally the lowest maintenance and easiest to update forum adventure I know of.

and I feel so stressed out all the time but I don't want to go back to counseling because it took like three hours out of my day between the session and the commute, which only further stressed me out cause it took out valuable homework time. and ive never really been able to open up completely in the way that I know I should. it's way too much my habit to keep secrets. im worse than vriska with all my coping mechanisms I swear.

and I also want to update perception (on mspaf) but drawing is hard and ive kind of reached the part in the story where I have to map out the next big section and prewrite a whole bunch of stuff so I don't write myself into a corner like I have been doing practically every update. and it's just generally really stressful and I don't know if anybody besides kieros (who reads literally everything on that site, how the fuck do(es) he/she/they do it (they changed theyre pronouns recently and im too tired to remember what they are)) and my brother actually read it. it doesn't help that ive been taking six month unplanned hiatuses between every other update. and perception was originally created as a way to channel and express some pretty awful feelings I was having when I first started planning it, and it was a pretty good way of doing so, but now that those things are (more) under control I unconsciously dive back into that awful mindset whenever I work on perception and it's not exactly an ideal situation.

and school. just fuck school, honestly. I am the smartest person I know and everybody that knows me would agree with me and I still have so much trouble with school. I love learning. I fucking hate school. I hate the busy work, I hate the noise, I fucking despise every lowminded and ignorant moron that inhabits it. I just feel so isolated from everybody there, like my mind is 10 years older and my emotions 10 years younger. why do they always have to be so loud?

I wish instead of school I could just listen to chopin or study calculus all day instead of school. math and music are the only things that make any fucking sense at all. and it's not like I learn either of those things at school from our shitty school orchestra or my comically simple math class.

anyway I need to go to sleep, my tablet's nearly dead and my headache from this morning is back in full force. if youve managed to read all this congratulations, you have way more concern for other people than I ever will.

edit:
yeah I know I said I would go to sleep but I figured that since I was posting all my heartfelt secrets here I might as well put this here also, since its been buggin me for a while.

im super confused about sexuality, like super duper confused. I think I might be aro but NOT asexual, which is not only weird as fuck but also makes me sound like a complete asshole. or maybe im hetero, but I just find romantic interaction as uninteresting, confusing and unnecessary as normal social interaction. or maybe I like the idea of sex but if I had the chance to try it I wouldn't be into it. or maybe ive just been gay all this time. who the fuck knows. I certainly dont. and at this point, idk if I really care.

a52 out motherfuckers.

I'm really worried about uni. What if I fuck up again this semester? And I hope the government sees fit to give me money to move out and be free from my parents. Also, a job would be nice. Also, while we're asking for shit, future transhumanism-y technology would also be nice.

I guess I worry too much. About everything. About who I am, who I want to be, the future of... existing, I guess. It's that time of one's life when people start realizing maybe they can't be who they wanted to be as a kid. That's kind of crushing.

Then again, I never had the kind of drive that creates geniuses. What a paradigmatic fuckup that was. But at the same time, why can't that change? I'm sure if I took it one step at a time in a structured plan, I could effect positive changes in my life. I just don't want to be a burden anymore.

I don't want to let people down, or string people along, or... I guess on top of everything else that I regret not being the young person I always wanted to be, and now all of that's slipping away. That just makes me feel... really old, I guess. And I feel that as part of my generation I don't have as many opportunities as my parents did, even if they did come from abject poverty (like they remind me about. Constantly. I guess I shouldn't whine. It's an important lesson to remember that there was once a time when my parents were two meals away from starving).

I just want to be there for people and help them through their hurt, but I can't do that in any way except be there to bear that weight, and there's only so much I can carry. At some point I have to look after myself. How singeresque.

And I worry about being murdered in the street for existing, too. That's also a thing. So I don't go out. I don't stick my neck out and I don't help and I'm not there for people. And I don't experience life like other people do when they're my age.

God, I feel old.

/me sighs.

Also the world's a crock of shit.

I finally noticed it was 2am soon enough.

I don't really have anything to say other then it is a very bad idea to start learning a coding language at 2am.

I was linked to a site that makes learning PHP easy or something for people like me who have minimal coding skills and I'm looking at the examples and going "Boy howdy that is some code" and trying to make sense of it.

Meanwhile it's like, a simple array that spits out a list. I'll just come back to it after I sleep like a reasonable person.

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