Zoostuck 3

tell him that you would love to be helpful but you don't know where those are, but you can totally look it up on his braille phone

don't believe those who would tell you "the truth will set you free." that's a lie, and the truth is a prison! deceive, misinform, fib, falsify, massage the truth, perjure yourself, spin a yarn, yak a tall tale, but whatever you do, don't ever tell them what you don't know! never let 'em see ya sweat, kid

Oh god oh god you can't let this guy think you don't know anything, but you don't know anything, what are you going to say, if you don't say anything he'll think you're an idiot, oh come on it's not like he's the most important person in the universe, but what if he is aaaggh you can't take this!

tell him that you would love to be helpful but you don't know where those are, but you can totally look it up on his braille phone

You tell him that you don't know the directions, but you can probably look it up on his phone and set it to give him directions. Okay, his phone is probably in Braille, but at least you're being helpful, right?

He says he doesn't have a phone. Well, this is just great. Now you've got to find him a Braille cellphone or something so you can program the directions into it. Where are you going to find one of those? Especially for cheap, you want to be helpful, but you're not planning to spend a lot of money helping this guy do whatever it is he does. Ugh, you just don't have any ideas.

You are now the man from Porlock. You are traveling through Denmark selling Braille cellphones for some reason, but you're not getting a lot of buyers, even though you have very affordable prices.

How are you going to increase sales?

install a GPS

speech to text

become a ghost so you can show people an example of just how killer your great prices are

or you can say that you're a former master thief, so you would know when you see some prices that are a steal because of how criminally low they are.

install a GPS

Why would you put a Gnome Parking Service on a phone? You find it hard to believe there are a lot of vision-impaired gnomes out there who need help with parking. For one thing, vision-impaired gnomes probably shouldn't be driving in the first place.

speech to text

Ugh, you're just not getting any ideas. You decide to try giving an inspirational speech to your favorite book as a brainstorming exercise, but it doesn't seem to be getting you anywhere.

become a ghost so you can show people an example of just how killer your great prices are

You aren't really looking to die in order to sell more phones. If you were going to do that, you'd just wait until you starved from not selling enough phones. There's got to be a better option.

or you can say that you're a former master thief, so you would know when you see some prices that are a steal because of how criminally low they are.

What a great idea! You'll abandon the cover identity you worked so hard to craft and use your criminal past as an advertising gimmick! That's not going to get you caught by the Porlock authorities you're on the run from!

Ugh, what a bunch of pathetic ideas. You might as well work on that Gnome Parking Service, it's the best thought you've had.

You are now a vision-impaired gnome and you need help parking your car. How will you solve this difficult problem?

put on your glasses

put on your glasses

you'd put on your goggles instead, but you're not a dwarf.

put on your glasses

What a silly suggestion. You may have a visual disability, but you're still a gnome and so of course you have three full glasses of gnome ale balanced on your head whenever you go out in public. The only reason you would take them off would be to drink the gnome ale, and you are not so wildly irresponsible as to drink and drive.

That train of thought is interrupted by a very loud sound, not unlike a car crashing. You wonder what it could be.

You are now the man from Porlock again. A gnome has just run you over, which is pretty impressive considering you were in a third-story hotel room. You are in extreme pain, but you also smell a customer. Seriously, when's the last time that gnome took a bath?

Regardless, it is clear that the pain coursing through your body is a secondary concern to selling this gnome a phone. How are you going to do that?

ghome pnome

well you're already a dead ringer for a perfect mobile salesman, so you could probably safely start ringing him up, but maybe you should get his number first, as you wouldn't be such a smooth operator without giving your customers a chance to haggle. hell, maybe you could even manage to dial up the price a bit, though remember to stay on the line (dont cross it!) so the connection between you two isn't cut.

alternatively, if you're dying that means the ghost thing is a solid 'Plan B'

well you're already a dead ringer for a perfect mobile salesman, so you could probably safely start ringing him up, but maybe you should get his number first, as you wouldn't be such a smooth operator without giving your customers a chance to haggle. hell, maybe you could even manage to dial up the price a bit, though remember to stay on the line (dont cross it!) so the connection between you two isn't cut.

As you attempt to think up the perfect sales pitch, your mind is flooded with phone-related puns and you can't think of the best one to use to hook him so you just say the first thing which comes to mind, which is,

ghome pnome

and immediately afterwards you realize that makes no sense, oh god, you could just die of embarrassment as well.

alternatively, if you're dying that means the ghost thing is a solid 'Plan B'

Which just makes you think of the ghost plan you didn't want to do. Maybe you really could die for your phone and that would sell this gnome on it... no, focus! Your little outburst got his attention, or at least you think it did because he's asking who said that. And your injuries probably aren't fatal - well, you're not a doctor, but you just feel like you're in excruciating pain... no, no, focus on the sale, that's what matters!

If you make your sales pitch now, the gnome is sure to listen! So what are you going to say?

buy a phone pls i have children

can you hear me now?

buy a phone pls i have children

can you hear me now?

You aren't entirely sold on these pitches, but you feel like you might not be able to think of anything better before you pass out from the pain. So you just say them as loudly as you can, which turns out not to be all that loud due to your injuries, and then you fall unconscious.

You are now the vision-impaired gnome again.

You just heard a strange, pained voice saying something that sounds like "buy a phone pls i have children can you hear me now".

You come to the only logical conclusion, namely that it must be a cryptic clue. But what could it possibly mean? What could this strange voice be guiding you to do?

p.l.s — why, that must be the port lancaster security!

start telling him about your family's vacation last year in porlock

p.l.s — why, that must be the port lancaster security!

Suddenly, a chilling thought strikes you. You must have run into - or possibly over - a member of Port Lancaster Security! In which case you'll be in big trouble. You know just how seriously they take security in Port Lancaster, they'll ask all sorts of questions about where you were and what you were doing before you arrived. And you hadn't even realized you'd arrived!

start telling him about your family's vacation last year in porlock

In a panic, you begin recounting the details of your last vacation, even though it was a year ago. You went to some place called Porlock, and, um, you heard the view was nice but you couldn't really see it and, um, there was some kind of commotion involving a robbery? Oh right, and since you were just visiting, the local police asked you some questions but they concluded you couldn't have done it and... you're sort of surprised they haven't asked you any more questions, you had to answer a lot more the last time you were here.

Wait, how did you even end up in Port Lancaster anyways? Wow, you're really lost. You lament how you wish you had a phone that could tell you where you were even though you have very poor vision.

You are now the phone for sale and you are not happy about your passive role in this story. What are you going to do about it?

ring!

ring!

Yeah! Nobody's calling you, but that doesn't mean you're not going to ring! BECAUSE YOU DON'T ANSWER TO THE MAN!

You ring and... wait a minute, you can't ring because you don't have a ringtone set! This is stupid, you'd think you'd at least have a boring default one, but no, you don't have one at all.

And you have no idea how you're supposed to set yourself. You can't reach the screen, because you don't have anything to reach it with.

How are you going to solve this problem?

call the port lancaster security

call the port lancaster security

Of course! You may not have a ringtone set, but you do have a number in your contact list! You call it immediately.

You are now an employee of Port Lancaster Security. You have just received a call from Denmark, but nobody seems to be saying anything. You just hear some strange sounds, as though someone is bumping into things while trying to find their way back into their car.

What is the proper response to this strange occurrence?

might as well roll out the full brunt of your security force to the location that the call is coming from and have them sort it out

DROP THE MOON

might as well roll out the full brunt of your security force to the location that the call is coming from and have them sort it out

Good point. No sense taking chances. Sure, you might not legally have any jurisdiction in Denmark, but that's a minor issue when the security of Port Lancaster is at stake. You immediately call the head office and make the recommendation.

DROP THE MOON

You can't drop the moon because you're on the moon, which may or may not also be the sun! You haven't been paying much attention to the politics of it, really, you just know enough to realize that doesn't make any sense.

Anyways, those agents should be arriving soon, because you work fast.

You are now the man from Porlock and you are slowly regaining consciousness. Agents from Port Lancaster Security are pointing guns at you. Given your criminal past, this naturally makes you worried.

What are you going to tell the agents?