Zoostuck 3

the delicate, ancient art of seduction

the delicate, ancient art of seduction

Yes, of course. All you need to do is get the attention of your alternate self, and then make him want to...

Wait a minute. He's basically you! That's totally gross. Where would you get such a terrible idea... wait a minute, is there a bad idea ray somewhere around here?

Oh man, there's probably a bad idea ray somewhere around here. Now that would be really useful with your apparent power to make stupid things happen. But how are you going to get your hands on it?

If you stab yourself then you are stabbing him

If you stab yourself then you are stabbing him

You're pretty sure you rejected that plan the first time you beat him! Plus, you're not worried about beating him yet, you're worried about making him the last boss.

The bad idea ray must still be pointed at you. Maybe it's giving you worse ideas the closer you get to it. You decide to find it by seeing how much worse your ideas get.

You are now the guy with the bad idea ray and you're pointing it at Zoosmell Pooplord. He seems to actually be following it to you. However, you're so confused by all the manipulations and counter-manipulations that you're not sure if this is actually what you want or not.

So what are you going to do about it?

Nothing, he's falling right into your trap! The closer he comes to you, the closer YOU come to the ultimate discovery: THE WORST IDEA OF ALL TIME

Bad ideas are a social construct

Nothing, he's falling right into your trap! The closer he comes to you, the closer YOU come to the ultimate discovery: THE WORST IDEA OF ALL TIME

Yes! Of course! Because Pooplord is already a source of bad ideas, the ray should make his ideas even worse, and ultimately you'll be able to use him to discover the worst idea ever!

Bud Muckman, who's sitting next to you and wondering what the heck is going on, asks why exactly you want the worst idea ever. What would you even do with it?

You pause for a little while and consider the possibility that the idea to find the worst idea ever may have been planted by the bad idea ray. But then you decide you don't want to admit this so you say that it's so you can make sure that you don't do whatever it is.

Even though you're already planning to do whatever it is.

Just then, an idea strikes you.

Bad ideas are a social construct

Of course! Ideas aren't bad in and of themselves, it's society's expectations that make an idea bad! Which means if you completely alter society, your bad idea ray will be a good idea ray!

Unfortunately, you have no idea how to alter societal expectations to a degree that allows this to happen, so you're kind of stuck.

For a brief moment, you wonder if this was the worst idea of all time, but frankly it's so underwhelming that you have a hard time believing it.

Oh, and while you were contemplating that, Pooplord arrived and sat down next to you. He's probably filled with bad ideas now.

You are now Bud Muckman and you suspect that something really stupid is going on involving this guy you met in limbo and this stupid kid. You have a feeling that you should stop it somehow.

How are you going to do that?

take him shopping for a nice, cozy pair of blue jeans. not too tight, not too loose, machine-washable, none of that acid-wash or holes-already-in-it stuff, just some nice, honest blue jeans

made of wagons

take him shopping for a nice, cozy pair of blue jeans. not too tight, not too loose, machine-washable, none of that acid-wash or holes-already-in-it stuff, just some nice, honest blue jeans

Yes, that's a good idea. Distract your new friend with fashion! This can only be helpful. You grab his arm and...

made of wagons

...in the process you point the bad idea ray at yourself and conclude that you should take him shopping for blue jeans made of wagons. You drag him away, and he drops the bad idea ray.

You are now Zoosmell Pooplord and you have just acquired a bad idea ray. You can probably use this to help you make Egglegs into the final foe.

But how are you going to do that?

point it at the author

eat it and absorb its powers

point it at the author

The author's dead, though. He died back in the last version of the universe and hasn't had an implausible resurrection yet. And, well, you have no idea how to point a bad idea ray at the afterlife.

Seriously, how would you even do that?

eat it and absorb its powers

Of course! If you eat the bad idea ray, you can probably gain its powers and that will let you reach the afterlife with it! You start attempting to eat the thing, but you soon run into a problem: It tastes awful.

You don't care how much you're being influenced by your proximity to this thing, you're not going to eat something that tastes this terrible.

Of course, since you are being influenced by the bad idea ray, rather than conclude that you should just not eat it, you conclude that you need to find a way to make it palatable so you can eat it.

How are you going to do that?

take it to a five star chef

The chef is a five pointed star

The chef is five five pointed stars

make it spicy

take it to a five star chef

Of course! Surely an expert chef can make this bad idea ray taste delicious!

But the only chef you can think of is that one at the pizza place. Well, he makes pretty good pizza, you may as well give him a call.

However, there's no answer because, unbeknownst to you, he's chasing after his escaped refrigerator. Great, you'll have to go over there.

Fortunately, the planet-ship where the pizza place is located is right next to this arena. Thing is, it's also overrun by soldiers from the moon. How are you going to get past them to find the pizza chef?

use the solaris

use the solaris

Of course! This rabbit or whatever has the power of the sun, so naturally it will overwhelm forces of the moon!

You hold it up and, uh, nothing happens as far as you can see.

You are now Solaris. And you are sad.

This is, of course, your usual state of being. But right now, you are especially sad because your people have surrendered to lies.

They have turned their backs on the sun and declared themselves citizens of the moon. Many of them still believe in the sun in their hearts, but they have allowed their fear of the moon's forces to rule them.

You must show them the truth. You must remind them that they are your people, and not the moon's.

How will you do that?

cry

do it

cry

do it

Of course. Your tears are your greatest weapon. Upon the sight of them, the people of the sun will surely realize the error of their ways.

You begin crying.

You are now Zoosmell Pooplord again. The rabbit's crying and all the soldiers seem to be in some sort of daze, so you just walk through them and look for the pizza place.

Soon you find it, only to discover the chef looking despondent. He mutters something about how is he supposed to make a pizza when his refrigerator's escaped.

Oh great, just when you thought you might be making some kind of progress, you get stuck with a fetch quest. How are you going to find a missing refrigerator? You wouldn't even be able to carry it back here if you did find it.

You are now the escaped refrigerator. Somehow you found your way to the Sinnermanland prison. You have no idea what you're doing here, and also you have this alien lizard creature that keeps passing gas.

What are you doing next?

suck in the gas

suck in the gas

Well, you have no idea what happens when methane interacts with freon, especially since this universe's physics are based on Jogh Edgebert's lack of creativity, but you can't think of anything else to do.

You soon discover that according to Edgebert's uncreative laws of physics, any two chemicals that don't generally interact will explode when they come in contact with each other.

Fortunately, the universe's foremost nonlethal explosions expert happened to be in the area and saved both your lives by causing a nonlethal explosion that cancelled out the potentially-lethal explosion within you. You don't understand exactly how that worked, but it's probably beneficial to this whole plot in some way.

You are now the universe's foremost nonlethal explosions expert. You still haven't managed to take care of that house with all the roaches in it, but you get the feeling that you're facing an even bigger problem. Mostly you get that feeling because the universe was collapsing a little while ago and you don't think whatever caused it has been resolved just yet.

You've just saved a sentient refrigerator and a lizard-alien from an explosion that wasn't one of yours. You're also in some kind of weird prison. Why, exactly, did you come here in the first place?