Zoostuck 3

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> Realize there are too many Johns.

Claim baseball is the new football.

True, with your total monopoly over the industry you could do this and no one would object. You could even pretend the series was always like that, since you set the old games to self-destruct once the new ones are released.

You might have to make some massive bribes to the National Football League and baseball associations to pull it off, but it's not like you can't afford that. You start on the phone calls and paperwork immediately.

> Realize there are too many Johns.

As you start attempting to alter established facts with your massive fortune, it occurs to you that far too many people are named John, and you, with your massive fortune, can afford to be the only one.

Unfortunately, it soon becomes clear that this important task is going to stretch your bribe budget to the limit. Fortunately, you know how to save on money: make a deal with the Devil. All he asks for are souls, and you have plenty from the gamers willing to give you theirs for 10% off on the next game.

He soon shows up with a baby and a lollipop. Wow, you hadn't even finished dialing his number. (It takes a lot of time to hit 6 666 times.) You explain what you want him to do and get a soul out.

He tells you sure, and for an extra dollar he'll throw in this baby and lollipop. You can't imagine why you'd want either, but you figure it's worth throwing him a bone to continue such a synergystic business relationship.

Satan takes the soul and dollar bill, hands you the baby and lollipop, and with a wave of his hands, he steals the name of every other John in the world.

He pauses a moment, and asks what you want their names changed to.

You shrug, and say something dumb, like Zoosmell.

You are now Zoosmell Egbert and you are very, very angry about this fact. How are you going to vent your frustrations?

Make another deal with the devil to steal all the Zoosmells

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eat an extra-terrestrial with extra onions, sauce and other preservatives

You don't have a lobster or a gun! This has you even more frustrated!

Make another deal with the devil to steal all the Zoosmells

In your enraged state, the only solution you can devise to your problem is making a deal with the devil. You promptly pull out your phone and start dialing his number. This is going to take a while.


However, filled with rage, you manage to hit the 5 key instead of the 6 key 555 times in a row. You stop when you hear a dialtone, having long ago lost count of how many times you dialed. Instead, you merely wait for an answer and then start shouting.

You are now the person whose phone number is the number 5 repeated 555 times. Some kid is yelling at you over the phone about how his name is Zoosmell now.

So who are you, and what are you going to do about this kid?

You're going to turn out to be the villian

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you're 5/6ths of the devil, so only do 5/6ths of the deal.

Nagito Komaeda

Nagito Komaeda

You're going to turn out to be the villian

Ah, yes, of course. You're the one who's truly been behind it all this entire time. But you were supposed to be hidden from all outside observers, including omniscient narrators. You masked yourself from everything...

Everything except rocks, as that was simply too much trouble. But that would require a rock to become an omniscient narrator somehow, which is simply too absurd to even consider.

Regardless, you have a name.

Nagito Komaeda

But the truth behind your name is too dangerous to reveal, even if no one could possibly know it, so you've taken on the pseudonym of Nagito Komaeda. It is a name which has no meaning to you at all, and probably not to anyone else either.

you're 5/6ths of the devil, so only do 5/6ths of the deal.

5/6ths? You have no idea where that stray thought came from, but you're insulted by it. The devil is a rank amateur compared to you. Regardless, toying with people does delight you, so you promptly use your vast influence to turn all the Zoosmells into Johnsmells. That may not be exactly 5/6ths, but it's not as if you ever bothered to learn math.

You are now Johnsmell Pooplord and you are trying to figure out if your new name is better or worse than your old one. How are you going to settle this difficult question?

It's better because now the adventure is called Johnstuck 3

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settle out of court for a hefty fee

Flip a coin

Call a Johnsmell convention

Call a Johnsmell convention

Yeah, you can't make this decision on your own. There are a lot of former Zoosmells who are now Johnsmells, and you're going to need a consensus before you can officially settle on which is worse.

So you spend months painstakingly gathering all the Johnsmells, some of whom are newborn babies, and then you hold a discussion panel. The arguments get heated on both sides, and many grumble about not being able to just be John, but in the end a decision is reached.

It's better because now the adventure is called Johnstuck 3

You collectively decide it's an improvement, and the universe responds accordingly.

You are now the main villain and everything has, inexplicably, gone according to plan vastly ahead of schedule. The universe is now operating under the Johnstuck 3 trademark you registered years ago and so everything owes you royalties which you will waive in exchange for their undying allegiance.

The only thing is, you weren't quite ready for everything to succeed and now you're not sure just what you're supposed to be doing.

So what exactly is it?

Johnstuck

DF, pay me 10k USD in royalties or cease and decist.

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DF, pay me 10k USD in royalties or cease and decist.

Um, excuse me, this is clearly Johnstuck 3, which is a totally different trademark.