Zoostuck 2

suckin' down eggs like a freight train through a lazy tunnel of love

suckin' down eggs like a freight train through a lazy tunnel of love

You are now the monkey detective, and you are suckin' down eggs like a freight train through a lazy tunnel of love, whatever that means. The thing is, it isn't by choice - one of these gangsters is shoving the eggs down your throat. And you're not sure if they're trying to kill you or if this is a weird smuggling attempt - you finally got their beak to stop growing back, but that means you can't understand a word they're saying.

Either way, you should probably escape, but your fists are tied and so the most obvious solution is out of your grasp.

So what are you going to do?

Kick.

Kick.

Suddenly, you have an epiphany. With all your focus on solving crimes with your fists, you've overlooked something important.

Your feet. Which are mostly unrestrained.

It's as if an entire new frontier of violence is opening for you.

You promptly kick your captor in the beakless face, and knock him across the room. Then you kick the restraints on your hands so you can punch him.

Wait a minute. You just realized something.

Your capital letters are back!

When did that happen? You swear, it's as if that's a plot thread that some cosmic author keeps forgetting about as he shifts through dozens of nonsensical perspectives. Ugh, whatever, you're not going to worry about it. Let some other moron do that.

You are now some other moron worrying about the missing capital letters that are no longer missing. Who are you, again?

Youn Tufff

captchalogue yourself for later

You're the mayor of Capital City.

Youn Tufff

You're the mayor of Capital City.

That's right, you're Youn Tufff, the mayor of Capital City, where all the capital letters in the universe are stored.

You've just had to deal with a bizarre oddity where several customers had their accounts drained of capitals and then they were suddenly returned. And you've got no idea who could have been behind it or what they were trying to do.

So how are you going to deal with this?

captchalogue yourself for later

You have no idea what that is, but it sounds dirty. You also can't see how it could possibly help you figure out what happened to the accounts.

In fact, that idea is so unhelpful that you wonder if it has anything to do with a bad idea ray.

You are now the guy with the bad idea ray. Using your time-traveling car, you came to Capital City and used your bad idea ray to get someone to mess with a few accounts and then to give the mayor bad ideas about how to investigate the problem.

You're about to leave before anyone notices you, because you still have bad ideas to spread through time and space. So where and when are you going?

to the invention of the bad idea ray, to kill the inventor of the bad idea ray

To point it at your past self.

to the invention of the bad idea ray, to kill the inventor of the bad idea ray

To point it at your past self.

Ah, yes, that's right. You invented the bad idea ray and you're going to point it at your past self so you get the idea to invent the bad idea ray.

Then you're going to kill yourself. Not because it's a bad idea planted by the bad idea ray, but to hide all evidence of what you've done.

This is one of the final steps in the grand plan you're a part of, the plan that will alter the timeline and then alter the entire universe. You may cease to exist, but at least your existence will have been meaningful.

There's just one problem - you've completely forgotten where you were when you decided to go to the moon and invent the bad idea ray after your future self zapped you with the bad idea ray. How are you going to figure that out?

timestalk yourself

With celery.

shoot yourself with the bad idea ray twice, so it reverses its polarities and becomes a GOOD idea ray

shoot yourself with the bad idea ray twice, so it reverses its polarities and becomes a GOOD idea ray

That isn't how the bad idea ray works at all! A second zap just means you get more bad ideas. That's exactly the sort of terrible idea you'd get from zapping yourself with the bad idea ray twice!

Oh, wait, you just did. Wow, you really feel stupid. You're looking forward to destroying yourself soon so you don't have to live with the embarrassment.

timestalk yourself

With celery.

Anyways, now that you have that terrible idea out of the way, you've started actually thinking about how to track yourself down. The easiest thing to do is follow your past self through time until you get to the right point. For some reason, which probably has to do with zapping yourself with the bad idea ray again, you've decided that you need lots of celery to do this.

You are now the inventor of the bad idea ray, but in the past before you invented the bad idea ray. You feel really weird because you think this big pile of celery is following you wherever you go.

What are you going to do about it?

Create a bad idea ray to shoot the celery with, hoping that bad ideas will lead to its demise

Kill yourself

Make a salad

Make a salad

But you hate celery! Seriously, where would you get the idea to eat celery, you'd either have to be influenced by extradimensional voices or get zapped with a bad idea ray of some kind to think of something like that.

Wait a minute...

Create a bad idea ray to shoot the celery with, hoping that bad ideas will lead to its demise

If you had a bad idea ray, you could use it to shoot the celery and... you've completely lost your train of thought, but it doesn't matter because you're already thinking about how to make a bad idea ray. You rush off and start working on that, ignoring the everpresent pile of celery as best you can.

After months of effort, during which you inadvertently zap yourself with the ray several times and come up with such bad ideas as not installing an off switch, it's complete. You celebrate by pointing the ray at the celery until, well, until something happens.

But what is it that you're doing, exactly?

Kill yourself

Oh. Your future self just fell out of the celery pile, dead. That was weird. You suppose that prolonged exposure to bad ideas is fatal, or maybe your future self just had the bad idea to choke on a piece of celery.

Well, whatever happened here, your dead future self is freaking you out. You need to find some way to hide the body. What are you going to do?

Kill yourself

look who it is

look who it is

You know who it is! It's you! And you're honestly kind of disturbed, but at least you know you'll be fine until you go back in time and disguise yourself in a big pile of celery and follow your past self around.

Of course, given the effect this bad idea ray is having on you, that could be next week for all you know.

Kill yourself

You already did that! You're trying to get rid of the evidence! But since you can't think of anything, you just flee to the moon and start beaming bad ideas at the President of Sun France.

You are now the future self of the inventor of the bad idea ray. Your idiot past self didn't finish the job and you're still alive, although you can barely move.

You've got to somehow die and dispose of your own body, now that you've set the invention of the bad idea ray in motion. How are you going to do that?

Kill yourself

stop breathing

and then maybe breathe a bit because whew that was pretty close!

become telekinetic