Zoostuck 3

tell him that frankie said he thinks that this canal sux

no tell him that frankie say relax

tell him that frankie said he thinks that this canal sux

Well, Roosevelt does seem rather fond of this canal project, but it's not finished yet. Almost nobody's even seen it, let alone has a well-formed opinion of it.

It might work in a few months, with a forged letter, but it doesn't help you with keeping Roosevelt out of your way right now.

come back and take care of america

make america great again

However, it occurs to you that you can appeal to his ego. You wander over to where you're sure he can hear you and ask how America can possibly hold together without its courageous, inspiring leader. If there's a crisis back in Washington, will Charles W. Fairbanks really be up to handling it?

Your leading questions seem to do the trick. Roosevelt heads back to Washington, just in time to deal with the start of the First World War. Not that you're aware of this, as you have yet to familiarize yourself with the heavily condensed history of this new timeline.

No, your more immediate concern is dealing with those two time-travellers, who... escaped while you were distracting Roosevelt.

Well, damn. They could be anywhere by now. How are you going to track them down?

FRANKIE. SAY. RELAX.

FRANKIE. SAY. RELAX.

don't do it
when you wanna get to it

remove your own skeleton and send it after them. skeletons have an excellent sense of direction

remove your own skeleton and send it after them. skeletons have an excellent sense of direction

That might work if you still had your evil wizard powers from the previous universe, but you don't. You just have evil martial artist powers, and you're pretty sure those don't entail being able to operate your skeleton separately from yourself.

That said, being an evil martial artist probably lets you do things with your skeleton while it's in your body. Maybe you can focus your spinjitsu energy on a single bone and use it to, uh, point in the direction they're in? That sounds like a legitimate martial arts move, so you do that.

You find yourself pointing at the sky. Maybe you haven't properly trained with this move. Or maybe they flew away, you can't actually rule that out. It's not like you can evaluate their abilities just by looking at them.

Well, you don't have anything better to do, so you start spinning your limbs around like helicopter blades (which haven't been invented yet but you don't really care) in an attempt to fly after them. Assuming they were flying.

Where could they be?

FRANKIE. SAY. RELAX.

You are now Franklin Delano Roosevelt. You happened to be vacationing in Panama at the same time that your fifth cousin, the President of the United States, was digging a canal, not that you were aware of this.

However, two strangers have just come running into your beach house. You will not let this stand; a man's beach house is his castle, and this breach of privacy must be adequately punished.

But how, specifically?

tell them to relax

don't do it
when you wanna get to it

tell them to relax

Ah, of course. You won't be able to properly deal with these intruders if you're all in a foul mood. You, of course, are quite relaxed, but these two don't seem to be. So you inform them, in a calm-yet-authoritative voice, that they should relax.

They promptly drop to the floor and fall asleep. You must have sounded more authoritative than you realized. Well, this gives you time to think about how to handle them when they wake up.

You are now the evil Spinjitsu master. You have just detected the use of a powerful hypnotic technique. You decide to investigate, as even if the targets you are pursuing are not involved, you may be able to learn more about the technique and use it in the hunt, as well as for your own nefarious purposes more generally.

Of course, you quickly realized that there is a possibility that you might end up being hypnotized if you fly in unprepared. So how will you protect yourself from the hypnosis?

hypnotize yourself

light some incense

don't

fuck it

hypnotize yourself

Of course! All you have to do is hypnotize yourself into ignoring all other forms of hypnotism! It's the perfect plan, or would be if you hadn't slept through all the self-hypnosis parts of your training because they were boring.

So how are you supposed to learn how to hypnotize yourself?

don't

fuck it

You decide not to bother. It's a lot of work and you're probably strong-willed enough to resist this mysterious hypnosis master. You can't see how anything can go wrong. You land, somewhat awkwardly, and sneak into the cabin that you detect the hypnotic... waves? Energy? Whatever the hell it is. You sneak into the cabin where it's coming from.

You soon see the two troublemakers you were looking for, and they're asleep. No doubt this is the work of the master hypnotist, who you can see leaning back in his chair as though nothing had happened. Well, unless that guy's another hypnosis victim... but no, you can detect the hypnotic whatchamacallit coming from him.

While you're confident in your ability to resist his hypnosis, revealing your presence could jeopardize your future plans. It would be best to avoid a direct confrontation.

So how are you going to dispose of these time-travelers and learn the secrets of hypnosis without being spotted?

replace the hypnotist

replace the hypnotist

What kind of an idea is that? What does that even mean? Are you taking his place, or are you getting another hypnotist to switch places with him, or what? And even if you were doing one of those things, how would you get him out of here?

Well, you suppose if you got another hypnotist here, they could hypnotize him into leaving. But that would require you to find another hypnotist, and one who wouldn't be inclined to interfere with your plans or else you'd just be right back where you started.

Where are you going to find someone like that?

right here

you are the hypnotist now

forget the hypnotist stuff and just beat up the time travelers

right here

you are the hypnotist now

Yes... Of course! Clearly, you acquired potent hypnotic powers while you were sleeping through self-hypnosis lessons! Powers which will surely make you a superior hypnotist to this fool! You are unstoppable! You are...

...just desperate now. You don't know the first thing about hypnosis.

forget the hypnotist stuff and just beat up the time travelers

But you do know a lot about beating people up with spinjitsu. So you decide to just do that. You ignore all notions of stealth and start beating up the time travelers... in front of a witness, crud, that's going to complicate things.

Except, now that you look more closely, he's asleep. Well, now you feel silly. You drag your victims outside to finish them off without drawing attention.

You are now someone who has just stumbled across a time-traveling car. What's your name, again, and what are you going to do with this thing?

you're going to hop in and take it back to the future: 1955

You're going to eat it

you're going to hop in and take it back to the future: 1955

Before reminding yourself of your identity, you decide that the best thing to do with a time-traveling car is travel through time. You hop in and head to 1955.

You promptly find yourself on the floor of the Senate, in the middle of a hearing. You are promptly accused of being a Communist and Senator McCarthy orders your car confiscated.

You have a feeling it would be a bad idea to have your time-traveling car fall into McCarthy's hands. How are you going to protect it?

You're going to eat it

Of course! If you eat the car, it can't be confiscated! You promptly swallow it in one gulp, much to everyone's surprise, including your own.

You then burp loudly and are transported somewhere in the time stream. This feels especially awkward when you still don't have an identity.

You are now Senator Joe McCarthy and an unidentified Communist just stole evidence and disappeared right under your nose! There's clearly only one thing to do, and that's to try another one of your political enemies... er, another Communist spy.

So who's it going to be?

franklin roosevelt

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