Zoostuck 3

nom nom nom

reverse-engineer it all into a vast stockpile of magic bees. it's science

While it would make things easier if you had a swarm of magic bees you could command to go look for hot sauce for you, that just wouldn't work. There's no way you could create a magic bee just by looking at a mass of magic honey. You only took two classes in ethereal engineering, for Mark's sake!

You'd need a real expert on magic to do something like that.

Draw a demon summoning circle with the honey

And what better way to find an expert on magic than to summon a demon and ask it to do the work for you? Yes, this is the perfect plan. You begin smearing honey all over the floor in the shape of a pentagram, and, um... what do you do next?

nom nom nom

Oh, right. You chant. You chant "nom nom nom nom nom nom nom" for a whole minute before opening your eyes to see if you've summoned the demon yet.

It turns out you have! Great, now you can have it find you a magic expert who can tell you how to turn this magic honey into magic bees so you can have them look for hot sauce so you can squirt it in the eyes of the sleeping customer to wake him up so you can finish your story.

You are now the demon. You can tell just by the look on your summoner's face that he's going to give you a really stupid task that's just one in a series of convoluted steps to achieve his goal. You do not want to deal with this, at all. Unfortunately, this stupid summoning circle means you have to do what he says.

Your only chance is to somehow convince him to give you a less stupid order. How are you going to do that?

never let him finish a sentence

always be feeding him

always be feeding him

ah yes, the ABCs of the business world

offer to eat the sleeping guy

ask what his endgame is with this order, and offer to cut to the chase

ask what his endgame is with this order, and offer to cut to the chase

You know that's not going to work. He's not even going to understand what you mean by "endgame". He summoned you to do a specific thing, and that's what he's going to ask for; the idea of skipping steps just isn't going to make sense to him, because to him every step is as important as every other.

never let him finish a sentence

always be feeding him

So you're just going to have to stop him from making an order instead. Now, you can't actually harm him while inside the circle... but you can conjure food in his mouth, as long as he's not severely allergic.

So every time he starts talking, you just snap your fingers and a burrito forms in his mouth and he gets distracted by it. This should buy you some time; unfortunately, since there's not much you can do other than summoning food in his face, you're pretty much just left hoping a convenient coincidence gets you out of this mess.

You are now the individual who will be delivering said convenient coincidence. Who are you and what, exactly, are you doing?

you're the cinici-NAUGHTY kid

You work for FedEx

clearly you're looking for some delicious Qdoba

An assassin. Come to deliver bullets. From a gun.

you're the cinici-NAUGHTY kid

Well, of course. That's been your nickname for as long as you can remember.

Not that you have any idea why. You've never been to Cincinnati in your life, you're not particularly naughty in any sense of the word, and you haven't been a kid in thirty years. But somehow, the name stuck.

To be honest, you sort of appreciate it now that everyone's name is Mark. It gives you a way to stand out from the crowd.

You work for FedEx

An assassin. Come to deliver bullets. From a gun.

In any case, you've found yourself working as a hitman for the criminal organization "FedEx". You kind of stumbled into the job; you were really hoping to deliver packages for their front organization, but somewhere along the line you were put into their assassination division. And now you're trying to kill someone called Mark Termite.

The problem is, Termite is such a common last name in Denmark that you have no idea which one you're actually supposed to kill. This probably causes lots of mix-ups with the packages, too. You could just kill a lot of Mark Termites until you get the right one, but you're not entirely sold on this killing thing in the first place, and besides which, there's a lot of paperwork to fill out if you kill extras.

So you've just sort of been wandering the country not killing anyone while you try to figure out who your actual target is.

clearly you're looking for some delicious Qdoba

And then you stumbled on this Taco Bell in the middle of nowhere, which seems like a great place for a snack. But you can only see one person here, and he's asleep. And since he's not in uniform, he's probably another customer.

So how are you going to get ahold of some food here?

make it yourself

Eat the sleeping customer

bust a move. if it works for rain, maybe it'll work for food too

ride on the counter and attempt to summon tacos

make it yourself

What? Don't be ridiculous. You're not an employee of Taco Bell! Making your own food in one of their establishments would show great disrespect to the actual workers who make the food here. Your sense of professional conduct will not allow you to insult them like that!

Plus you have no idea how to make tacos anyways.

ride on the counter and attempt to summon tacos

So instead you hop on the counter and ride it as though it were some form of mechanical farm animal while yelling out "GIMME TACOS!", as this is clearly the most professional way to make your desires clear.

Unfortunately, it seems the taco gods are not impressed by your performance.

bust a move. if it works for rain, maybe it'll work for food too

So maybe you need to give them a more dramatic one! You start dancing around wildly. You don't have any actual dancing skills, but you hope to compensate with your sheer enthusiasm. You dance all around the restaurant, only occasionally pausing to entreat the heavens for tacos.

But nothing happens. Well, unless you count your feet getting sore. These boots really aren't made for dancing.

Eat the sleeping customer

You pause to ponder whether your code of professional conduct allows you to eat another establishment's customer if you're really, really hungry. But you're left to conclude that he's the consumer in the relationship, if anything he should eat you.

You therefore decide to feed yourself to the sleeping customer in hopes that you will be reincarnated and the karma from this act will bring you food. It's the only logical conclusion at this point.

You are now the guy who was asleep until a complete stranger tried to shove his foot in your mouth. A complete stranger is trying to shove his foot in your mouth. What are you going to do about this?

these boots weren't made for dancing/ and that's just what they won't do/ one of these days these boots aren't gonna/ dance all over you

realize his foot tastes nasty. call out for the dude that was supposed to be serving you and ask for some condiments

realize his foot tastes nasty. call out for the dude that was supposed to be serving you and ask for some condiments

You manage to pull his foot out of your mouth long enough to call out for some hot sauce. If you have to eat this guy's foot, you're not eating it plain, that's for sure.

Not that you expect much from the service here, considering you got roped into hearing a war story and hey what's that noise that sounds like a truck full of hot sauce driving up?

CRASH!

Oh, it's a truck, which may or may not be full of hot sauce, driving through the front wall of the taco bell. There's someone cowering on the hood.

"GRRRRRRR!"

Oh, and a grizzly with ominously-glowing eyes just marched in through the back door. He's carrying someone like a shovel.

You are now the Mark Termite who is the sole employee of the taco bell and you've just marched up from your circle of magical honey to see what all the commotion is, and just how many burritos did that demon stuff into your face?

Oh. There's a truck trying to drive through a possibly-demonic grizzly that's pushing the truck back. There's also way more customers than you remember there being here a few minutes ago.

Well then. Whose order are you taking first?

Obviously you can't take anyone's order, you have to find the hot sauce first!

last come first serve

you clearly weren't trained for this level of disorder. Request that everybody form an orderly queue

shut down.