Zoostuck 3

don't even say anything, just turn on the windshield wipers

bat your eyes a couple thousand times

don't even say anything, just turn on the windshield wipers

You are now the guy on the hood of the truck, and you're just starting to regain your bearings.

"HEY YOU!" you hear the driver yell out the window. "DON'T EVEN SAY ANYTHING, JUST TURN ON THE WINDSHIELD WIPERS!"

You sit up, baffled. The only thing you can think of is manually operating the wipers, so you pick them up and move them around on the windshield.

Somehow, the driver doesn't seem pleased, at least as far as you can see through the windshield. He pokes his head out to yell at you again.

august

"AUGUST!"

You're taken aback. Your name is Mark August. How could he know it? Your nametag only shows the Mark part.

Could it be that this truck driver is actually your spirit guide? If you follow him, perhaps he will lead you to Porlock! Or maybe to enlightenment. Either of those seems like a better deal than your stupid job. You decide to just stay on the truck until your spirit guide leads you to wherever it is you're going.

You are now someone completely different in Denmark. Obviously, your name is Mark. But what is your last name, and what exactly are you trying to do?

Downer

you are trying to turn everything and everyone around you inside-out and right-side up

it's down and you're trying to figure out why your store is going out of business

you are on the way to the lake to go to the underwater palace

it's down and you're trying to figure out why your store is going out of business

Yes, you're Mark Down and your shop has been doing terribly. Ever since that whole business with the name-changing decree, in fact. So you've decided to go on a journey to figure out the reason why, which clearly can't be that you keep closing the store to go on journeys.

Of course, the first thing you had to work out was exactly where this journey was going to take you.

you are on the way to the lake to go to the underwater palace

So you decided to start with the underwater palace, because there's probably a fountain of knowledge or something in there. That's why you're here, at the bottom of the lake... oh, hey, there's the palace.

You head inside and... wait, who's that?

Downer

You are now Mark Downer. You desperately want to be named Debbie again but the only plan you could think of involved pretending to get married to the stupid blanket again. But since you couldn't find any information on any parties, you decided to swim down to the underwater palace and sulk.

Until this jerk showed up here suddenly and interrupted your sulking time. How are you going to deal with him?

well he's underwater so he can't even get any lower. try asking him if he knows of any parties

wicked kickflip, brah

wicked kickflip, brah

You attempt to kickflip him out of your way, but since you're underwater, it's more of an awkward swim. You don't even hit him, and even if you did, you're moving so slowly he could easily get out of the way.

You're going to need a less direct plan.

well he's underwater so he can't even get any lower. try asking him if he knows of any parties

It occurs to you that, since this is the first person you've seen in months who might actually get invited to a party, your best bet might be to pump him for information. You ask him if he knows about any parties.

He looks at you, a little taken aback, then he remembers that just before he closed up his shop, someone handed him a flyer about a big party in Porlock. Then he asks if he got the riddle right.

Riddle? Oh, he must think you're some kind of lake guardian or something, giving him a test. You consider telling him no, just to discourage him, but then you figure he'll be even more disappointed if he thinks you're giving him what he wants and then it turns out to be nothing.

So you tell him yeah, he got the riddle right, now what can you do for him. He explains that his business has been in trouble and he wants to know why. Also he calls you the "Mighty Lake Oracle" a few times, which is kind of annoying, but on the other hand, at least it's not Mark.

Anyhow, since you want to crush his dreams, obviously you'll be giving him an answer that involves him doing a lot of needless work only to find out it didn't help in the end. So what's that answer going to be?

move a forest

he needs to synergize his workflow and amplify his product saturation among key demographics

git gud

he needs to synergize his workflow and amplify his product saturation among key demographics

You spout a bunch of corporate buzzwords at him. He nods awkwardly, looking confused the whole time.

Hmm. You might be taking this a little too far. He's not going to waste time doing something stupid if he can't understand you, fun as it is to watch.

git gud

So you simplify your message to its core essence. That should get through to him.

Or maybe it was a little too simple. He seems just as puzzled as before.

Okay, enough with the metaphor, this will be easiest if you just give him the embarrassing and time-consuming task and then you can laugh when he either gives up or actually finishes it. But what should that task be?

move a forest

Perfect. You tell him to move the spooky forest to Porlock, and then all shall become clear. And now if he actually does it, that's sure to ruin the party he was talking about! Although, you'll want to get there yourself to make sure the job is done properly.

You are now Mark Down again. According to the Lake Oracle, who you see no reason whatsoever to distrust, you have to somehow move an entire forest in order to get your business to be successful again. How are you going to do that?

dig out all the trees with your teeth

Talk to the woodland critters and wow them with your visionary idea

didn't you dabble in spacetime distortion back in high school?

Talk to the woodland critters and wow them with your visionary idea

Of course! What better way could there be to finish a task than to get someone else to do it for you? You swim out of the lake, drive to the forest, and start looking for animals.

The first one you find is a giant grizzly bear with eerily glowing red eyes. It suddenly strikes you that this is a spooky forest and maybe you're not going to get a lot of help from the locals.

dig out all the trees with your teeth

That just seems impractical, wouldn't it be better to use a shovel...

Oh. The grizzly bear just grabbed you and is using you as a shovel. After a few awkward initial digging attempts and some growling, you start gnawing at the roots to speed the process up.

It doesn't seem to be working very well.

didn't you dabble in spacetime distortion back in high school?

You got an F in that class! Mostly because it was really boring. The only thing you learned how to do was speed up time in order to end the class sooner.

Wait a minute, that could be useful here to get this tree moved! Too bad it requires you to be standing upright, which you can't exactly do when this grizzly which may or may not actually be a demon is shoveling trees with you.

Well, this stinks. You're starting to wish you'd stopped at that Taco Bell on the way here instead.

You are now Mark the Possibly Demonic Grizzly. This stupid human is terrible at digging up trees. How are you going to dig them up faster? And why are you trying to dig them up in the first place?

because an underwater oracle told you to. that's all underwater oracles ever seem to tell anyone to do, they must really have it out for trees

use magic honey to lure the tree to uproot itself and go away

because an underwater oracle told you to. that's all underwater oracles ever seem to tell anyone to do, they must really have it out for trees

That's right, you were swimming and found this oracle in an underwater palace and she told you to dig up the trees and bring them to some place called Porlock. You don't see how this is going to help you get any magic honey, but hey, if you could understand things like that you wouldn't need to consult lake oracles.

But this is still taking way too long. There's got to be a faster way.

use magic honey to lure the tree to uproot itself and go away

That's a stupid plan! Not only do you not have any magic honey, if you had any you'd eat it. You wouldn't waste it on trees.

Although, if moving these trees got you more magic honey, it might be worth it... shoot, it's too bad you didn't ask the lake oracle lady how much magic honey you were going to get from this so you could make the necessary calculations on how much was worth using. Assuming you could find any.

You are now the Mark Termite who works at Taco Bell. You were digging around trying to find more hot sauce, but you weren't able to find anything except a vast stockpile of magic honey.

Well, this is probably useless for tacos, your hot tub, and waking up this sleeping customer so you can finish telling him your war story. But there's got to be something you can do with it, right?

reverse-engineer it all into a vast stockpile of magic bees. it's science

Draw a demon summoning circle with the honey

didn't you dabble in stupid bullshit back in boot camp? where are your 'wasting time and resources that don't seem valuable but probably are' notes?