Zoostuck 3

Home Depot

Come to think of it you probably had something to do with Terry's condition

over at Terry Termite's house

Home Depot

Oh, of course. Terry Termite, that slob who's spent his days in a termite-infested Home Depot ever since two people he barely knew got divorced. You're going to pay him a visit.

Come to think of it you probably had something to do with Terry's condition

Nonsense. Okay, so maybe your wedding stunt with the blanket soured those two people so much on the concept of marriage that they couldn't stand each other any more, but you didn't tell Terry to throw his life away over it. Not that you really care either way what happens to him. He's not your problem, or even the reason you're here.

Still, he's the only one those termites listen to, so you'll have to talk to him. You guess. You knock on the Home Depot's door and wait for him to struggle to his feet to see who it is.

"Oh. It's you," he grumbles.

You start telling him that you'd like to do some business with his termites, but he stops you.

"Hold on one second. You're not up-to-date on politics are you? I'm not Terry Termite any more, I'm Mark Termite."

Now you're just confused.

"There was a decree that everyone's name is Mark now. Mine, yours, that stupid blanket's... everyone's. You're Mark Downer."

What. The. Hell.

You built your reputation as Debbie Downer, and now some jerk is taking your name away from you? Without even asking? Your petty acts of vengeance against the blanket will have to wait. You have to get your name back.

How are you going to do that?

aha, if you go back to marry the blanket (who may or may not be mark blanket now) they'll give you a name change form to fill out so you can change your last name, and that's when you'll strike and change your first name back instead!

aha, if you go back to marry the blanket (who may or may not be mark blanket now) they'll give you a name change form to fill out so you can change your last name, and that's when you'll strike and change your first name back instead!

Suddenly, a plan strikes you. A terrifying plan.

If you get a marriage license, you can put your actual name on the name change form! This clearly won't cause any legal issues whatsoever.

The problem is, the only people you know are Ter... er, Mark Termite and that stupid blanket. And Mark here... no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no and no.

Which leaves the blanket. The blanket you despise. The blanket who ruined your wedding, with your help. The blanket you never wanted to see again.

You wish you could think of a better idea, but you can't. You'll have to... ugh... reconcile with the blanket.

How the hell are you going to do that without making yourself sick?

go swim in a plague pit

make it an ironic wedding

pretend like the first wedding didn't happen. it was all going so well up until then, right?

go swim in a plague pit

You already feel like you are. And not just because of Mark Termite's stench. Well, okay, that has a lot to do with it, but only slightly less than the thought of getting back together with that stupid blanket.

make it an ironic wedding

You don't see how that would help, considering you don't plan on taking it as far as the actual ceremony. Your whole plan is to take your new name and run.

Then again, you're not sure when the name change legally goes through. Maybe you should check with a lawyer... oh, dammit, the only lawyer you know is the blanket again! How do you keep doing this to yourself, oh right, you alienate everyone because you hate people in general.

pretend like the first wedding didn't happen. it was all going so well up until then, right?

The memories come rushing back. All the parties you ruined together, all the disappointed and dejected people you left in your wake. It was glorious.

Now look at you. At both of you. Whose lives have you left a shambles, other than your own? Oh, and Mark Termite's, you guess, but that doesn't count. You weren't trying.

Maybe it's worth it, worth a chance at recapturing that magic.

Pssh. Yeah, right. Even if you were willing to give that blanket the time of day, there's no parties around here to ruin any more. Where exactly are you going to find one, Porlock?

You are now the head party organizer for Porlock. You've got to spread the word of this party far and wide. Why, they'll come from as far as the Badlands once your viral marketing campaign takes off!

Which it will. Any second now. Yes indeed.

WHY IS IT TAKING SO LONG? Ugh, there must be something you can do to make the word travel faster! But what?

internet memes

hm, i'm stumped. looks like the only solution is more impatience

A literal party virus should do it

internet memes

You've been trying that! But somehow, none of your memes have caught on! Nobody's doing anything with the Porlock Party Pumpkin, for instance, and the Twitter page you made for the party has somehow managed to get negative three followers.

You need a different approach.

hm, i'm stumped. looks like the only solution is more impatience

And the approach you decide on is getting mad at everyone for not liking and subscribing and coming to the party! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU DO YOU NOT LIKE PARTIES?

Three hours later, all you have to show for your impatience is another negative follower. It's like you're in an artificially constructed reality where the Internet doesn't allow you to contact anyone outside Porlock! But that would be ridiculous.

A literal party virus should do it

Of course! You want this party to go viral... so why not breed a virus that will make people want to come here and let it spread through the world? Sure, you may not know anything about viruses, and it may make whoever arrives more susceptible to subliminal suggestions from sentient towns...

That was a weird thought. You clearly never had it. Instead you thought of a very detailed diagram of the virus' RNA along with all the knowledge needed to manufacture it. That was a very convenient thought to pop into your head!

You are now that guy with immunity to the town's subliminal suggestions who was heading to the Badlands to find a wet blanket. Where are you at the moment?

just outside the badlands, about to enter the spooky forest

mark termite's

the only place worth mentioning: taco bell

just outside the badlands, about to enter the spooky forest

mark termite's

the only place worth mentioning: taco bell

Yes, that's right. You're at the Taco Bell right outside the spooky forest that is somehow the only route to the Badlands. It's owned by a guy named Mark Termite, who is also the only employee.

Apparently his name was Mark before the mass name change, so it hasn't affected him. What a lucky jerk. He keeps complaining, though. Something about how there's this other guy with the last name Termite who's living in an abandoned Home Depot and now everybody's going to mix the two of them up, which is ridiculous, they aren't even related.

Ugh, you wish this guy would shut up, he's making it really hard to finish your taco. Just because no one else ever comes here doesn't mean he can tell you his life story.

You are now Mark Termite and you are so glad you finally have a customer, and someone to talk to about all your problems. But he seems upset by something. Naturally, you want to make a good impression on him so that your boss, Mark Termite (you) will give you a raise. How can you turn his frown upside-down?

EXTRA MEAT

an exciting war story

EXTRA MEAT

Of course! He must be eating that taco slowly because there isn't enough meat in it! You promptly run to the kitchen and grab the Bucket O' Meat and just toss a big pile on his taco.

Judging by the startled expression on his face, you must have really made an impression! Now it's time to really sell him on the place!

an exciting war story

Namely, with the greatest and most thrilling tale of your heroism in the last war! Now, which story was that again?

obviously the one where you went deep into enemy territory to retrieve the 'Bucket O' Meat', a valuable relic from your company's traveling kitchen. or something

The one where you hid in a cupboard

numero uno

The one where you caused a war by assassinating the woman you were charged to protect

plot twist. you are actually a robot. you were literally charged for that purpose and you failed.