Zoostuck 3

hand him a note that reads aloud every five minutes 'IOU one brutalizing'

give him a slap on the wrist. literally, slap his wrist.

slay him. on the dance floor

hand him a note that reads aloud every five minutes 'IOU one brutalizing'

You can think of a lot of things you'd do to that guy, but he's already in the elevator! There's no time to catch up to him and slap his wrists on the dance floor or whatever, and it's not like you know where he's going...

Wait a minute, yeah you do, you gave him directions. You just have to get there first and wait for him to show up and, uh, well, you'll figure out the rest later.

You are now the town of Porlock. You have, somehow, attained sentience as a town, though none of your residents realize this.

And you have just had a premonition that an event of great importance will be taking place within you. How should you prepare for it?

eat a blimp

PUT UP THE DOME

PARTY AT MY PLACE

PARTY AT MY PLACE

Yes! What better way to handle an event of great importance than to throw a party? It's perfect! You immediately use your subtle influence over the townspeople to encourage them to throw a big one.

No, not just a big one. The biggest party Porlock has ever seen!

PUT UP THE DOME

And for that, you're going to need nothing less than THE PARTYDOME! Your citizens, with a little subtle psychic encouragement from you, begin constructing it immediately.

Now all you need to do is get the word out.

eat a blimp

And to do that, you consume a passing blimp and remake it into one advertising the party. This would be very disturbing to all witnesses, but fortunately you can make them forget they saw anything.

You send the blimp off on its new tour through Denmark and wait. This is going to be the best party ever!

You are now the one person in Porlock who is immune to the town's mind-manipulation abilities. You thought it was weird when everyone spontaneously decide to throw a party in a giant dome, but that was nothing compared to seeing the town suck in a blimp and then spit it out.

What are you going to do about this whole mess?

summon the one thing that can cure party fever. a dangerous, mythical creature known only as... the wet blanket

spike the punch

punch the spike

Skip town for the Badlands.

summon the one thing that can cure party fever. a dangerous, mythical creature known only as... the wet blanket

Oh no. No. You are not dabbling in summoning again, not after what happened last time. Complex rituals are a bad match for your dyslexia. The best case scenario is that you just summon a wart blanket instead, and that would be totally gross.

No, if you're bringing a wet blanket in, you're sticking to the physical realm. And that means...

Skip town for the Badlands.

...the Badlands. You're pretty sure wet blankets hang out in the Badlands. And if you're wrong, well, you can just hang out there until the party wraps up. You just don't see any possible downside to this scenario! Well, okay, you might get trapped in the Badlands, but that's incredibly unlikely.

You are now a wet blanket. You're getting tired of waiting for some unsuspecting sap to wander into your lair in the Badlands so you can devour them. You have better things to do with your life, like, uh, like...

Well, like what, exactly?

team up with Debbie Downer and ruin a perfectly good wedding

drying

team up with Debbie Downer and ruin a perfectly good wedding

You already did that! Specifically, your own wedding to her. It was such a success that neither of you want to see the other again. So no, you won't be doing that now.

drying

Yeah, the thing about being a wet blanket is that you get really damp all the time. So every few days you have to hang yourself out to dry. It's not pleasant, but it's better than letting bugs lay eggs in your wet spots. Ugh, that's so gross.

So you awkwardly climb up a tree and swing from its branches. This is really boring and painful and you hate doing it and you will gladly explain to any passerby exactly how much you hate doing it in excruciating detail.

Oh, hey, here comes a passerby now...

Oh no. It's Debbie.

You are now Debbie Downer and you can see that stupid blanket you almost married hanging from a tree up ahead. You really don't want to deal with that jerk again, but you absolutely have to take this path for some contrived reason you don't remember at the moment.

What are you going to do?

well he's up the tree... take him down. duh

roll your eyes, look away, and sigh really passive-aggressively

"Did you know that the bark of that tree has deadly splinters?"

well he's up the tree... take him down. duh

That would require acknowledging his existence! That doesn't solve the problem at all, gosh.

"Did you know that the bark of that tree has deadly splinters?"

Ugh. Even if you pretended you were talking to someone else, why would he care? He's a stupid blanket. Can blankets even get splinters? Probably not and you don't want to think about that answer any more.

roll your eyes, look away, and sigh really passive-aggressively

Now that's more like it. You just walk past him while ignoring him as best you can, and meanwhile he flaps around in the wind pretending he didn't see you. It's a win-win situation.

Which bothers the hell out of you, because you can't just let him win. You've got to make his existence more miserable in some way, but not in a way that looks remotely intentional, because there's no way you're letting him think he got to you enough for you to actually care what happens to him.

So what are you going to do?

arrange a bunch of dry leaves and twigs and such into a base for a campfire, then VERY CASUALLY set it on fire with a discarded cigarette and walk away, setting the entire forest on fire

Introduce termites

glance at your watch and remark about how you're so glad that the dryer at home must be done running, so you can come home to some fresh and dry towels and not some lame wet ones that nobody will ever like, like ever.

glance at your watch and remark about how you're so glad that the dryer at home must be done running, so you can come home to some fresh and dry towels and not some lame wet ones that nobody will ever like, like ever.

The idea has some appeal, but it's not quite subtle enough. He'll know it's directed at him. You can't give him the satisfaction of thinking he got to you.

Besides, your dryer's been busted for three weeks. That's why you're headed this way in the first place.

arrange a bunch of dry leaves and twigs and such into a base for a campfire, then VERY CASUALLY set it on fire with a discarded cigarette and walk away, setting the entire forest on fire

This would be a perfect idea if not for the fact that you quit smoking this week. Yeah, it's not going to last, it never does, but fact is, you don't have a cigarette. Or even a lighter. Hell, you threw out all your matches. You were really determined to quit this time, even though you knew it wouldn't last.

You're going to need another approach.

Introduce termites

Termites. Perfect. All you gotta do is get some to eat away at the base of that loser's tree so he can't use it any more, and he'll have no idea you were responsible. He might suspect, but he'll never be sure.

Now you just need to figure out where you're going to find some termites. Where in Denmark could they be?

over at Terry Termite's house

he's not actually a termite, that's just his name. his house is infested with termites, but that's incidental, like, it wasn't that way a couple years ago. he just let it and his life go to waste ever since the divorce

what's really fucked up is it wasn't even his divorce. he's never been married because he never showers. two other people got a divorce, not even his parents or anything, and it just bummed him out SO HARD. he's sensitive.