Zoostuck 3

nothing, duh

a story about xanadu

nothing, duh

Yeah, you know when to clam up, and now's one of those times. You aren't about to let slip anything about your part, not in front of these guys.

"What exactly happened here?" one of them asks, staring right at you.

Dammit. That commanding voice has you unnerved. You can't even pretend to have severe vocal chord damage due to the accident, although you probably do.

You're going to have to tell him something.

a story about xanadu

So why not make it something useless.

You start talking about how Xanadu is a land beyond the rainbow, and about a man who made it there by gathering up six mystical shoes and tying them onto the back of his sailboat and...

Your ploy worked. The agent seems to have concluded you're delusional and will have no useful information whatsoever. Perfect. Maybe you can even get some medical attention out of this.

You are now Mark Guy and your wanderings have taken you onto the third floor of a hotel, where you overheard someone explain that you need six mystical shoes and a sailboat in order to go beyond the rainbow and get to Xanadu. Well, that figures.

So where are you going to start your search for these mystical shoes?

Nothing

You are drawing a complete blank for ideas. Maybe you should ask the locals if they've heard anything...

CRASH!

You wonder what, exactly, that loud sound was. You also wonder why you feel as though you were knocked over by something, like a nigh-omnipotent webcomic author being flung into you.

The feeling soon passes, as though the nigh-omnipotent webcomic author got up and flew back towards his attacker while completely failing to notice that you were wearing the moonglasses he was after. In any case, you are apparently on a quest for shoes, so you'd better go and do that.

Meanwhile, um. It seems that battle I've been ignoring has been going places. Maybe I should take another look.

You are now Zoosmell Pooplord and you just punched a webcomic author way harder than you thought you could. What exactly happened to grant you such incredible strength?

your shoes are glowing

your shoes are glowing

So they are. You haven't given much thought to shoes, given that you spent most of your developmental years in the Marianas Trench and footwear was never much of a concern there. This may be the first time you've really looked at the shoes you've been wearing. You can't help but notice that nobody else's shoes are glowing like that.

You wonder if this is in any way meaningful, but before you can give it much thought, the webcomic author comes flying back in, and boy is he angry. You're probably going to need more than the incredible strength you've mysteriously gained in order to defeat him.

So how are you going to defend yourself?

challenge him to a match of rock paper scissors

distraction

give 'im the ol' razzle dazzle

THIS DREAM GOES NOWHERE TOBY

distraction

Yeah, magically enhanced strength or no magically enhanced strength, you can't last in a prolonged straight-out fight against this guy. You're going to have to use your wits. Except you're not very bright, so that's not going to work too well either.

But at the very least you can try to figure out some way to distract him.

challenge him to a match of rock paper scissors

Perfect! Your underdeveloped fighting skills and utter lack of cunning will be totally irrelevant in a contest of luck! As he approaches, you shout out your challenge.

He apparently chooses Rock, multiple times, in your face. Man, that's not fair at all! You were totally going to pick Paper, too!

THIS DREAM GOES NOWHERE TOBY

In an attempt to get him to stop pummeling you, you just shout some utter nonsense at him. He looks confused for a moment, which buys you an opening to...

give 'im the ol' razzle dazzle

Yes! The ol' razzle dazzle! It can't fail!

Um, except, what does that involve doing, exactly?

jazz hands

fancy footwork

jazz hands

fancy footwork

Right, right. You use your hands, no your feet, no wait... you put your right foot in, you put your right foot out... no, that's the Hokey Pokey, hang on, you can get this...

Somehow you end up with your mystically glowing shoes on your hands, then you start flailing your arms around wildly in desperation. You wind up hitting your opponent in the face and knocking him away again.

Of course, that last hit proved he's just going to come back, so maybe you should do something to prepare for it. Like, uh...

Well, like what?

tie your shoelaces together and use them as nunchucks

KETCHUP IN YOUR SHOES

SHOES IN HIS FACE

tie your shoelaces together and use them as nunchucks

KETCHUP IN YOUR SHOES

SHOES IN HIS FACE

With a burst of inspired stupidity, you run over to the sentient fridge, reach in, grab a bottle of ketchup, and fill your shoes with it. Then you tie the shoelaces together so you have, uh, shoe-chucks you guess.

You don't remember what the ketchup was for but you're sure it will turn out to be extremely relevant to the resolution of this battle OH SHIT HE'S COMING BACK AAAGGGHH START SWINGING THOSE SHOES!

You swing your shoes wildly as he flies back towards you, and wind up hitting him in the face repeatedly. You're still not sure how the ketchup figures into this plan, but hey, it seems to be working.

You are now Mark Guy again. You have begun your quest for the mystical shoes that you don't actually know anything about so you can get to Xanadu, Denmark for whatever reason it was you wanted to get there.

Where are you starting this mission that is definitely a productive use of your time?

xanadu, duh. xanaduh

in the badlands

xanadu, duh. xanaduh

If you could get to Xanadu, you wouldn't need to hunt for these six mystical shoes! Wait a minute - is that six pairs of shoes or six shoes total? You'll have to figure that out somewhere along the line.

Anyways, if there are shoes in Xanadu, you'll just have to worry about that when you've got the other two/five pairs. Maybe a convenient plot device will manifest itself once you do. For now, you've got to start your search somewhere else...

in the badlands

Namely, the Badlands of Denmark. Which you're sure are around here somewhere. At the least, a random passerby is more likely to know where those are than Xanadu or Porlock.

So, naturally, you ask a random passerby. Unbeknownst to you, because you don't have eyes, this random passerby is actually an employee of Port Lancaster Security.

You are now an agent of Port Lancaster Security. You were called to this scene for some reason that you were never actually told. Someone wearing strange glasses is asking you how to get to the Badlands.

How are you going to handle this situation?

give him the directions to porlock instead, someone there could tell him how to get to the badlands surely

"it's right there, are you blind"

"it's right there, are you blind"

You point to the very large map that this hotel has in its third-floor hallway for some reason. What, can he not see it?

He informs you that he doesn't have eyes. Oh. That's probably why he's wearing those weird glasses. You decide that you don't need to see that for yourself.

give him the directions to porlock instead, someone there could tell him how to get to the badlands surely

Well, since you don't actually know how to read this incredibly informative map, but you don't want to sound stupid, you give him the directions to Porlock instead. People in Porlock know how to get everywhere, so they say, so he'll probably just figure he got lost rather than that your directions were off. You look helpful, this blind guy ends up in the Badlands, everything is fine.

Wait a minute. You just realized that you didn't arrest that guy or brutalize him even a little! Oh geez, you're going to lose your cred in the PLS if word of this gets out. How are you going to protect your reputation?

give him a slap on the wrist. literally, slap his wrist.

slay him. on the dance floor