Zoostuck 3

rock out

rock out

Yeah, whatever you do probably won't work. So if you're making one last futile gesture before whatever disaster is about to come, it might as well be an awesome one. Okay, sure, you're going to mess it up, but damned if you're not going to try!

You strum on an air guitar and scream at the top of your lungs. You look and sound like a total idiot, but you don't even care at this point.

Eggburn isn't happy. He turns to face you, glaring, right as you go into a powerslide.

You powerslide right into your alternate self and the two of you stumble directly into the path of the rock. It hits Eggboots on the head and he falls unconscious.

Hey, cool, you won the final battle! Except, uh, this weird arena you're in isn't going away.

That's because my work isn't done yet.

Uh. That mysterious voice from beyond existence sounds really ominous.

Egbert was just my foothold in this world. Now that he's created this space for me, and all the various schemers are dealt with, aside from those annoying narrators, I can physically manifest and change this world into the one it was always meant to be.

All of a sudden, some guy you think you vaguely recognize pops into existence and grabs the moonglasses off the bat. It would probably be a really bad idea to let him put them on. How are you going to stop him?

put them on first

but who's on first

put them on first

Of course! The best way to stop this guy from getting amazing powers from those glasses is to put them on before he does! You rush towards the bat and make a desperate grab for the glasses and...

but who's on first

...and the rest is a blur. At the end of it all, somebody's wearing the moonglasses, but who is it?

this guy

that guy

that guy

Impossible. That Guy is the other narrator, the one who's narrating from beyond the grave or whatever. And as a purely narrative entity, That Guy cannot wear the moonglasses.

Even though he can wear almost every pair of sunglasses in existence.

So it must be...

this guy

This Guy? Who's This Guy and where did they come in?

You're This Guy and you aren't wearing sunglasses. Or glasses. Or eyes. In fact, someone stole them, just so they can start hoarding and wearing sunglasses!

Wait, what? Hang on a second, I need to work through this.

You are This Guy and your eyes were stolen, possibly by a bizarre narrative entity so that it could wear more sunglasses. Somehow you have stumbled into a thrilling climactic battle and you can feel a pair of glasses of some kind falling onto your face over the disturbing cavities where your eyes used to be. Hopefully these glasses are opaque enough that you won't horrify people when they see your face.

You also have this vague feeling that you have somehow acquired amazing powers that are tied to the very nature of the universe. How are you going to use these powers, and to what purpose?

to walk away from the plot, inadvertently stymieing everyone

you're going to the sea

to walk away from the plot, inadvertently stymieing everyone

Yeah, you have no personal investment in any part of this plotline. You can't even see what's going on. Why should you care that these glasses you ended up with may be of critical importance to the future of the universe? You just walk away in a random direction while everyone else involved in the scuffle is still trying to process what happens.

you're going to the sea

However, because this battle is taking place in a pocket dimension or something, every direction just leads to its boundaries. Namely, an unending ocean, which you have just walked into.

Of course, as all inhabitants of this universe can breathe underwater, this is not a major problem for you, which raises questions of how exactly this infinite ocean is supposed to keep the battle contained. Not that you're particularly concerned with any such questions. You're just trying to find your way to... to...

Where are you trying to go, exactly?

xanadu

you mean denmark

xanadu

you mean denmark

Ah, yes, the city of Xanadu, which you are quite sure is in Denmark. Not that you have any idea how to get to Denmark from here, it's not like you can look at a map. Plus you're probably not even on the same physical plane as Denmark.

Oh well. You decide to just keep going forward in the arbitrary direction you're following until something happens. Not that you know what you're going to do when something happens, but you don't see a need to worry about that right now.

You can hear the sounds of a fight breaking out behind you, as everyone else realizes that nobody has the Moonglasses so they're just having a regular old climactic battle. Of course, you can't see what's going on and have no personal investment in the result of the fight anyways. But it is kind of noisy, and it's a bit disorienting and you're not sure you aren't inadvertently turning yourself around and walking back towards the battlefield. Although, if you just stay in the ocean, at least you won't have to worry about inadvertently getting involved in the actual battle.

You are completely oblivious to the fact that your new moonglasses have made you into the coolest being in this universe and, as a consequence, its new master. You are wholly unaware that Denmark has been brought into being just in front of you because that's where you're trying to go.

You are now someone in the newly-manifested Denmark and you are feeling confused about suddenly popping into existence. What are you going to do?

Make puns

Make puns

You decide that, in a desperate attempt to give yourself some purpose in your sudden existence, you'll just start making puns. At the very least it might provide you with individual identity as that guy who makes puns.

But what's your first pun going to be... oh, you've got it. You promptly lead a bloody revolution and take over the country, all so that you can implement a single new law. Namely, one in which everyone in the nation will be named Mark, so that it can be the Den of Marks.

The whole process feels less satisfying than you thought it would be. Maybe it's the fact that giving everyone the same first name has kind of taken away from the sense of individuality you hoped to gain from making puns. Or, more likely, you need to come up with an even better pun. You'll have to think on that.

You are now Mark Guy. You aren't really sure why your first name changed suddenly or how you're even aware of the change, but you weren't really all that attached to your old name so you're just going to roll with the new one.

From what you can gather, you seem to be in Denmark. You're not sure which way Xanadu is, though. How are you going to find it?

the only way to get into xanadu is by rollerskating with your eyes closed and your mind open

you must visit the man from porlock

just look at the signs

just look at the signs

with your eyes closed. (but remember: mind open)

just look at the signs

Oh, of course, you're just going to read the signs WITH THE EYES YOU DON'T HAVE. Yeah, that's going to work real well.

the only way to get into xanadu is by rollerskating with your eyes closed and your mind open

You don't have eyes to close! But you suppose that works out to more or less the same thing as having your eyes closed. So now you just need an open mind and some rollerskates, but where are you going to get either of those things?

you must visit the man from porlock

Oh, right, get to the place you don't know how to get to by asking a guy who you don't know where to find. That's a good solution and not just a way to make this quest of yours take longer.

And for all you know, you might already be in Xanadu and will end up just getting further from it in the process of finding it out. Because obviously that would be so hilarious. Never mind how inconvenient it would be for you.

Oh well, might as well humor the otherworldly voices, since you have nothing else to do. So how are you going to find this man from Porlock?

you're going to GO TO PORLOCK FFS

scream

you're going to GO TO PORLOCK FFS

If you still had eyes, they would be twitching right now. Not that it would be noticeable under the moonglasses you're wearing.

scream

YOU CAN'T TAKE THIS ANY MORE YOU AREN'T LETTING EXTRAUNIVERSAL VOICES JERK YOU AROUND

YOU HAVE NO MORE IDEA HOW TO GET TO THIS PORLOCK PLACE THAN YOU DO HOW TO GET TO XANADU AND FOR ALL YOU KNOW YOU MIGHT ALREADY BE IN EITHER OF THOSE PLACES

THERE IS NO POSSIBLE METHOD YOU COULD USE FOR GETTING TO PORLOCK THAT COULD NOT ALSO LEAD YOU TO XANADU DIRECTLY SO WHY WOULD YOU TAKE THIS EXTRA STEP

YOU ARE SO SICK OF THIS ALSO BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE EYES YOU DON'T REALIZE THAT PEOPLE ARE STARING AT YOU AS YOU SCREAM ON THE STREET TO NOBODY AT ALL

"Excuse me," someone says, walking up to you. "Who are you shouting at?"

YOU YELL THAT YOU DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW BECAUSE YOU CAN'T SEE ANYTHING... actually, maybe you shouldn't shout at this person who's actually being helpful UNLIKE CERTAIN EXTRAUNIVERSAL VOICES YOU COULD NAME, IF YOU COULD READ THEIR USERNAMES WHICH YOU CAN'T. Oh, whoops. You apologize for the outburst and ask the helpful person what city you're in.

"You're in Frederiksberg," they reply. "Where are you trying to get to?"

You tell them that you were trying to get to Xanadu but you might need to talk to someone in Porlock first, you're not sure at this point.

You are now a helpful Danish person. Your name is Mark, just like everyone else's. This stranger has just asked you for directions to two cities you've never heard of. What are you going to tell him?

don't believe those who would tell you "the truth will set you free." that's a lie, and the truth is a prison! deceive, misinform, fib, falsify, massage the truth, perjure yourself, spin a yarn, yak a tall tale, but whatever you do, don't ever tell them what you don't know! never let 'em see ya sweat, kid