Zoostuck 3

a really long spoon

a really long fork

a really long spoon

a really long fork

Suddenly, you notice that your mysterious limbo stick actually unfolds into an absurdly long spork. In fact, it seems to extend to an extreme length. Could it actually extend all the way to the sun?

Unfortunately, even if that were true, you would need some way to see what you were doing on the sun, and you lack that capability for the moment. You will either have to establish a contact on the sun or tap into Johnsmell Madden's universal surveillance network. Neither task will be simple. This will take some planning.

You are now Zoosmell Pooplord and you're desperately trying to be relevant to the plot again. What exactly are you doing?

Reading

You should give up already.

Reading

Oh, right, you're reading this newspaper that was just published. Mostly because you couldn't find anything else to do that didn't require paying money to this Johnsmell Madden guy.

Well, except for the game in this mysterious package that you stumbled over, but you definitely don't want to go down that particular road again.

You should give up already.

Yeah, let's face it, Pooplord; you're never going to amount to anything. You vaguely remember saving the universe once, but then you completely messed it up the second time and now look at what's happened to it.

There's no way you're going to be any part of the solution to this mess. This plot passed you by months ago, not even counting the time travel. You're just a stupid kid with a stupid name who stupid things happen to.

Wait. You remember now. Stupid things happen to you and somehow work in your favor. That's your power. For one brief moment, you were able to harness it consciously, and that moment was enough to save the universe. Well, until this whole mess happened, anyways.

But if you did it once, maybe you can learn to do it again. Maybe there's a chance after all.

You decide to concentrate really hard on something stupid in hopes of making it happen. What stupid thing will that be?

you're going to stab yourself in the eye with your spork

A universal spinjitsu tournament

Who even cares?

Who even cares?

You do! You're tired of being a stupid kid who can't do anything, so you're going to be a stupid kid who does things. Stupid things, sure, but you've got to start somewhere!

A universal spinjitsu tournament

Spinjitsu? That's some kind of martial art, right? That doesn't sound very stupid, although you don't know anything about running a martial arts tournament so it would be kind of stupid for you to try to organize one.

But still, that doesn't require any sort of power to do stupid things. It just requires you to actually focus on what you're doing for more than five seconds and, uh, what were you thinking about again?

you're going to stab yourself in the eye with your spork

What spork? You don't have a OW!

Actually, wait, this doesn't hurt very much. You look closer at the end of the very long spork that just hit you in the eye... wow, this is made of some really cheap plastic, it looks like it just bent when it hit you.

Now what were you doing... oh, right, you were trying to see if you could control your stupid-things-happening powers. Well, you did get something stupid to happen, but you don't feel like you really planned it. It was more like you decided that something stupid should happen and it did, but it was more of a general thing than a specific thing. That doesn't seem very useful.

Now what are you going to do... oh, hey, there's a universal martial arts tournament of some kind starting up. You should go and watch that.

You are now a universal spinjitsu tournament that has somehow been willed into existence. You are clearly going to get some major characters entered in you even though most of them don't know any spinjitsu.

So who are your entrants going to be?

silence

You await inspiration from beyond the borders of the universe, but none arrives. It seems fate alone will decide your entrants.

You are now Fate. You appear to have been stuck with the job of settling who's in a martial arts tournament. Ugh, as if you didn't need more busy work. It's bad enough you've had to reorganize everything, what, five times now between alternate timelines and universe resets.

You quickly look over the profiles of everyone in the universe to see who actually practices this martial art. Okay, there's this editor who's evil and turned himself and the entire universe into a cartoon... well, he's an obvious choice but you'll have to get him out of the cartoon somehow. Then there's the tornado in limbo, but he's stuck in limbo. There's the old master, but he's trying to bring the tornado back so the tornado can train this new guy who's completely inept. Said new guy really doesn't count because he hasn't even started training yet.

Oh, and there's also this incredibly uncreative anti-spinjitsu martial art that's been concocted in the nursery of spirits by a dead guy who was banished there. But nobody actually knows it yet.

Well. At this rate you're going to have a spinjitsu tournament where none of the participants know spinjitsu.

Oh, wait, you just caught someone. There's one other being in the universe who knows this impossibly powerful art. And there's nothing actually stopping you from having them enter the tournament.

Who is it you're looking at?

The SPINMEISTER

DJ VINYL SCRATCH

DREIDELCLAUS

The SPINMEISTER

DJ VINYL SCRATCH

DREIDELCLAUS

Ah, yes. An individual known variously as "The Spinmeister", "DJ Vinyl Scratch", and "Dreidelclaus".

This individual was also recently instated as the supreme ruler of the Moonited Nations.

It is none other than...

This is boring, let's be someone else.

You are now Johnsmell Madden. A martial arts tournament is starting up and somehow you aren't making any money off it. How are you going to solve this important problem?

make a superPAC and run for president

supertupacman

Maybe you're not making money because you didn't advertise it well enough.

hire all the competitors and rig the tournament, therefore fulfilling the ultimate prophecy

Maybe you're not making money because you didn't advertise it well enough.

That's the thing! You don't seem to have anything to do with it. You can't figure out who's running it, either, otherwise you'd make them transfer all the profits to you.

But dang it, you're going to find a way to make money off of this somehow, or your name isn't Johnsmell Madden.

make a superPAC and run for president

President? Isn't that the guy who polishes your shoes? Why would you want a stupid job like that?

A Super PAC sounds like exactly the sort of thing that would entertain you for two seconds, though. You order construction on it immediately.

hire all the competitors and rig the tournament, therefore fulfilling the ultimate prophecy

"Hire"? That doesn't require paying them money, right?

But yeah, if there's going to be a tournament, you're going to win it. Or at least your new Super PAC is going to. You'll enter it, have it trounce its way to victory, and then everyone will want one and will have to give you money for it.

It's the perfect plan. At least, it will be once you figure out what the heck a Super PAC is.

You are now one of Johnsmell Madden's engineers. He's just yelled one of his incomprehensible ideas at you and you pretty much have to guess what he actually wants going entirely by the nonsensical name.

So what's this "super puck" thing going to be?

super dragon fogel

Quantos

say it's nothing so you don't have to do anything

say it's nothing so you don't have to do anything

Yeah, uh, Bob tried that and that's why you're head engineer now. Whatever Madden wants, it almost definitely isn't nothing. And you definitely don't want to end up like Bob.

super dragon fogel

Quantos

In desperation, you conclude that a Super Puck must be an enhanced version of a writer who died in an alternate timeline. With a time-traveling cybernetic arm. You're really reaching for ideas here, but it's not like anything else you've got is more likely to be the right thing.

You start work on development immediately.

You are now Bob, the former head engineer. What unpleasant fate have you been suffering since your demotion?

engineering heads