Zoostuck 3

THIS ONE'S FOR YOU

fuck you

get creative

Are you kidding? Your lack of creativity is the whole reason you remade the universe. It wasn't even your idea, you stole it from that Egbert kid. The only decent ideas you've ever had are ones you've stolen.

Except you might just have gotten one.

Create Anti-Spinjitsu, which is like Spinjitsu except backwards.

You steal the SPINJITSU idea and combine it with the REVERSE POLARITY idea you've already stolen, creating the ANTI-SPINJITSU idea. Now you have the perfect martial art for counteracting all Spinjitsu!

There's just one problem: you've only created the Anti-Spinjitsu idea. You don't actually know how to use the moves. For that matter, nobody else does either, because the idea only exists in your mind in the afterlife. You'd have to somehow transfer the idea to someone who can make use of it, which is kind of hard when you're dead.

So how are you going to escape from the afterlife... actually, hang on a second, what is your afterlife like, anyways?

It's actually before life.

THIS ONE'S FOR YOU

best,

Denmark

best,

Oh, of course! As the coolest person in the universe, you obviously have the best afterlife, the only place that could possibly be better than a universe that submits to your every uncreative whim.

Which is, um, some kind of gigantic spiritual nursery apparently.

This is not really what you expected.

It's actually before life.

Oh, right.

Apparently the eternal punishment for recreating the entire universe so that it follows your whims is that you get stuck managing the spirits of everyone who hasn't been born yet. So you've got all these baby spirits crying and waiting until they get sent into the actual universe.

Not that you get to see them sent off. Theoretically there should be an exit of some sort through which they're born, but you've never seen it. You just go around an infinite expanse feeding the spirits and changing their diapers - and spiritual diapers really smell awful.

Oh, and there was one more thing about this afterlife.

Denmark

It's Denmark.

You hate Denmark. You hate it so much that you took it out of the universe when you recreated it. So of course it ended up here.

So now that you've reminded yourself that you're stuck in Denmark with the spirits of everyone who hasn't been born yet, it's time to formulate your plan for escaping the afterlife and using Anti-Spinjitsu to defeat the guy who killed you in the first place. What are you going to do first?

> Kill every baby before they become a threat to you.

better yet, teach all the babies Anti-spinjitsu

> Kill every baby before they become a threat to you.

They're not alive yet! And you don't have any clue how to destroy spirits. You probably could if you had a physical body and control of the universe again, but honestly, that would be way too much effort considering only Spinjitsu can kill you. And what are the odds any of these kids are learning Spinjitsu?

better yet, teach all the babies Anti-spinjitsu

Wait a minute. If you taught them Anti-Spinjitsu, they could rise up against the guy who killed you! Plus they probably wouldn't be able to learn both Spinjitsu and Anti-Spinjitsu, that's totally how martial arts works, you're pretty sure. So if you find a way back to life, you'll be safe from them all!

The only problem is that Anti-Spinjitsu is only an idea rather than a formal martial art. Also, you have no clue how to actually teach these kid-spirits anything, which you guess is technically a second problem but whatever.

Still, it looks like you're going to be stuck here for a while so you've got time to figure this out. And you're going to be devoting all your time to it so you definitely won't be able to think about other things, like whether narrator-rocks are manipulating your actions with the aid of extra-universal observers.

I am now the narrator rock again. I believe Edgebert will be sufficiently occupied that we can focus on other tasks. However, the plot has become so confusing that even I, with my omniscience, have no idea what we're supposed to be doing.

So just what are we supposed to be doing right now?

winning the spelling bee right

teach nova the babies

You are now Zoosmell Egbert and a limbo stick just appeared next to you. You don't know where it came from and don't care; you're having enough trouble with this scissor-wielding assailant as it is, so you appreciate having some form of weapon.

You quickly grab the limbo stick and start whacking your attacker over the head with it. Soon you render him unconscious, giving you your first opportunity in some time to observe your surroundings.

It is at this point that you realize that the universe has somehow gotten even stupider than it was before. Apparently the universe is now controlled by a "Johnsmell Madden", who is most likely somehow responsible for your new inferior nomenclature. You would rather not know the precise details, even though you could easily deduce them.

Regardless, if you are going to recreate the universe into the form it should have, you will first have to deal with its current leader. You believe it would be best to claim the moonglasses, as originally planned, and work out the rest from there.

Now, how are you going to do that?

Pokemon

winning the spelling bee right

That doesn't make a lot of sense, but at least it's a goal of some kind. I can attempt to push us in that direction and perhaps a clearer objective will develop.

You are now Zoosmell Pooplord and you're trying to get money to pay a bee made of letters or something so you can defeat a mummy and you don't actually know why you're doing this, other than the whole thing where you're bored and have a very short attention span.

So how are you going to get the money together?

Pokemon

You have no idea what that is. It clearly doesn't exist in this universe.

Which means you could copyright it! You don't know how that would help, but it seems worth a try.

Fortunately, you seem to be right next to the Johnsmell Madden Copyright Office. You head in and are promptly handed an informative brochure on how you can have Johnsmell Madden himself tell you that your ideas are stupid and dumb but if you share them anyways he might use them to get even richer and then you can feel good about making Johnsmell Madden's fortune even more obscene.

This isn't really what you had in mind. However, it does seem that you can get a pass good for one session of a Johnsmell Madden game if he actually likes your idea.

Since you have nothing better to do, you figure you might as well give it a try. So how are you going to sell Johnsmell Madden on this Pokemon idea? Do you even have anything for it other than the name?

they're pocket monsters, they're giant huggable monsters made entirely of pockets, kids will love them

they're pocket monsters, they're giant huggable monsters made entirely of pockets, kids will love them

Great. You promptly start telling the Idea Machine all about your pocket-covered monsters and how cuddly and marketable they are.

You are now Johnsmell Madden and you like this stupid idea. If you give kids lots of pockets, they'll put stuff in them, like money, and then anything in the pockets of these, uh, Pocky Men or whatever, will be your property. You approve the idea and the machine prints out a pass for the stupid kid who made it.

Of course, that stupid kid will play your game and be hooked, which is good, but you still feel sick about the fact that you gave something away without asking for money. You don't usually have to deal with this at the copyright office, because mostly you tell people how stupid they are, but you can't be bothered to change the rules to make people pay. Mostly because you'd have to sign a new form and that's stupid.

You're going to have to do something really profitable to get this unpleasant feeling to go away. So what's it going to be?

hire a cartoonist to design some poket moon and then put zoosmell pooplord in the pocket

hire a cartoonist to design some poket moon and then put zoosmell pooplord in the pocket

You don't "hire" people any more. That costs money! You just tell people to do things and make vague threats about what you'll do if they don't agree. You aren't actually sure what you'd do if you had to carry out your threats, but fortunately that situation has never come up.

Anyways, you go and yell at someone to find a designer for these Poker Moms or whatever, and you tell them to stuff that dumb kid in the pockets of one when it's done. That should take care of that little matter, now you can get on with the more important business of doing whatever the hell you want.

You are now the political cartoonist. You just got a call demanding that you design a new toy for Johnsmell Madden made entirely out of pockets and then stuff a dumb kid in the pockets. Your editor, however, still insists that you find this apprentice who's allegedly responsible for your terrible political cartoons, and he reminds you that the clock is running.

So how are you going to manage to accomplish both of these tasks before you get into even deeper trouble?

fake your death

The toy is your apprentice.

Pockets, buttons, zippers, even a shoelace!

The toy is your apprentice.

Of course! If you get the Packet Moan completed, you can declare it your apprentice and then blame it, solving two problems at once! But you'll need to work fast. Step one, sketch out a basic design.

Pockets, buttons, zippers, even a shoelace!

Perfect! Now you just have to put it together in, uh. Two minutes. And you have no knowledge of sewing, crochet, or any other method of putting it together. This could be a problem.

Maybe you need to find another way out of this situation.

fake your death

Of course! If your editor thinks you're dead, there's no way he can do anything to you! Sure, you'll be out of a job and you'll need to somehow establish a new identity before you can get another one, but you're too stressed-out to seriously consider such minor issues.

You quickly set about messing up the room to make it look like a horrible accident happened here, then head for the window. You slip out quickly and...

Wait. What the hell is that thing outside the window?

A bird.