Zoostuck 3

get a hot dog

Yeah, you're hungry. Fortunately, this convention has plenty of vendors around because lots of vendors are named Zoosmell now. You head to Zoosmell's Hot Dog Stand and get a nice one for a dollar.


Having eaten, it strikes you that you haven't gotten a haircut since before you started arranging this convention, so you head over to Zoosmell's Barber Shop.

You decide to get a new style, which you promptly declare "the Zoosmell" because you can't think of anything else to call it. Soon it becomes the most popular hairstyle among people named Zoosmell, which is quite a lot of them.

Get your hot dog a haircut

As your new haircut sensation sweeps the nation, or at least the subset of people in the nation who were once named John, you see a heavily sweating dog march into Zoosmell's Barber Shop. You decide to get him a haircut to cool him off.

You are now the dog. You have a very important mission that involves not getting your hair cut, but all this sweat makes you too exhausted to actually bark or run away or do anything else particularly strenuous to stop this guy from cutting your hair. So what are you going to do?

stop sweating because dogs don't fucking sweat

stop sweating because dogs don't fucking sweat

Slobber all over the man that dare accost thee. To release heat, too

You must be registered to view this content.

pant.

stop sweating because dogs don't fucking sweat

They do in this universe. Everything sweats because Jogh Edgebert was too uncreative to think of other ways to relieve the heat. You don't know that this is the reason for it, all you know is that you're sweating like crazy.

Slobber all over the man that dare accost thee. To release heat, too

However, you're desperate enough to cool down, and to stop this haircut, that you'll entertain other ideas, so you promptly start drooling on the barber. You don't actually feel any cooler, but the barber seems put off at least.

You are now Zoosmell the barber. A sweating dog just drooled all over you. What are you going to do about this?

> Keep your cool. Oh wait, you can't, because nothing's cool!

wash your face off

Relieve some stress by cutting somebody's hair.

> Keep your cool. Oh wait, you can't, because nothing's cool!

Yeah, staying unshaken by this dog drool would make you considerably cooler, and coolness has been eradicated from the universe or something. So you're just upset.

wash your face off

You decide to wash your face of, but you still haven't calmed down. Stupid dog. You're still pretty upset about all this.

Relieve some stress by cutting somebody's hair.

So you're going to deal with it by CUTTING SOME HAIR and OH LOOK THERE'S SOMEONE RIGHT THERE WITH HAIR TO CUT.

You are now Zoosmell Egbert and you are still very frustrated by your recent name change. Some guy is chasing after you with an electric razor and a pair of scissors. What are you going to do?

point him at the dog. that dog's got more hair

Throw raisins

> God Tier

point him at the dog. that dog's got more hair

How would that even be relevant? This man is clearly violent and most likely delusional! What on earth would give you the idea he was at all interested in hair, canine or otherwise?

You do attempt to hide behind the dog to divert his attention, but he is relentless in his pursuit. You will need another tactic.

Throw raisins

Fortunately, you are not without resources. Admittedly those resources are only a packet of stale raisins in your pocket, but they are nonetheless usable. You hurl the raisins at your attacker and...

And, well, nothing significant happens. Now he's chasing after you and is annoyed about being pelted by raisins.

> God Tier

If you could use those powers in this universe, you would have a long time ago! You think Edgebert put some sort of block on them. They will be of no help to you here.

You are now Ryan North and you're very confused, because you've been bluffing for months about your ability to make this car fly or something and while you were doing that a whole convention sprung up around you. Also the kid who asked you for help is being chased by a barber or something.

So what are you going to do in a desperate attempt to be relevant to the plot again?

Call up your 'homies': Ryans East, South, and West.

Summon a darder.

Call up your 'homies': Ryans East, South, and West.

Ugh, no way, not those guys. All they ever do is make fun of you and oh dammit what are they doing here, this is supposed to be a convention for Johnsmells! Or was that Zoosmells? You haven't really been paying attention.

Well, now you have to get this car flying just so you can show them. But how are you going to do that?

Summon a darder.

You have no idea what that is! Also you have no idea how to summon. You're not very good at doing anything, which is a big part of why you're so uncool.

The other Ryans are laughing even harder at you because you're an even bigger loser than they are. This is so uncool, so of course it's happening to you.

You are now the four-armed three-legged lizardperson and you wonder what all this laughing has to do with repairing this grounded transport shuttle. Doesn't this guy know that all you have to do is connect the gratzifier to the octropiter? It's such a simple task, honestly.

You're also getting tired of how long it's taking for one of these humans to help you get back to the planet-ship. What can you do to speed the process up?

Connect the gratzifier to the octropiter, but don't notice that you put it in backwards.

Who cares you stink

Who cares you stink

You can't stink that much, no one here is covering their ears.

Connect the gratzifier to the octropiter, but don't notice that you put it in backwards.

You suppose that you will have to demonstrate your superiority over this human by performing the task yourself. You surreptitiously connect the gratzifier to the octropiter... wait, which of these things was the octropiter again, probably this one. Yes, definitely. That strange flash of light covering the entire convention center is clearly a sign that you did it correctly.

You are now someone only peripherally involved with this story who happened to be at the convention center for unrelated reasons. You are the only person here who immediately realizes that you have gone back in time. Who are you, what time period is this, and what are you going to do?

Obviously you're Step-King Tutanchamun, King Tut's step brother. You're finally back in Egypt so you can take over your step brother's Egyptian empire. Or something. Obviously.

This is THE FUTURE BECAUSE FUCK THE PAST

Obviously you're Step-King Tutanchamun, King Tut's step brother. You're finally back in Egypt so you can take over your step brother's Egyptian empire. Or something. Obviously.

Oh, right, you're the mummy of an ancient Step-King of Egypt, which is to say you're king of dance steps. Which isn't that hard because very few dance steps exist in this universe.

Anyways, judging by the huge pyramid and the sand dunes, you're back in ancient Egypt, which means this is the perfect time to depose your stepbrother the actual King and... wait a minute, something's off.

This is THE FUTURE BECAUSE FUCK THE PAST

This pyramid is made of titanium! And there's a big neon sign next to it declaring it the PYRAMID OF GRAND PHARAOH JOHNSMELL MADDEN, LORD OF THE WHOLE UNIVERSE.

You're not in ancient Egypt at all, you're in a horrible even-more-dystopian future ruled over by Johnsmell Madden, whoever that is. Well, this is frustrating. How are you supposed to take over ancient Egypt with your dance moves now?

win a spelling bee

summon a spelling bee in defense mode