Zoostuck 3

stoop down, extinguish the snail's fire with your tongue

WHACK IT WITH THE CANE

(in the manner of the ancient and venerable spinjitsu move)

Extinguish the fire with a boring war story.

stoop down, extinguish the snail's fire with your tongue

You figure that snail just needs a little saliva to clear up those flames, so you carefully lean down and WHOA NELLY THAT IS SOME HOT FIRE HOT HOT HOT HOT, okay, okay, you've managed to put out your tongue, the snail is still on fire, it's time to deal with this in a calm and reasonable manner.

WHACK IT WITH THE CANE

(in the manner of the ancient and venerable spinjitsu move)

TAKE THAT YOU STUPID FIRE THIS IS FOR YOUR TONGUE BACK IN YOUR DAY FIRES TREATED THEIR ELDERS WITH RESPECT.

Now, an uninformed observer might expect your cane to catch fire. But you are not merely striking in anger, but using the highly advanced and forbidden Spinjitsu art of Dancing In The Flames. Too bad there was no such art for your tongue, but oh well.

Unfortunately, the advanced and forbidden Spinjitsu art of Dancing In The Flames is only good for not being set on fire, rather than actually putting the fires out, and so this does little to alleviate your rage.

Extinguish the fire with a boring war story.

So you decide to tell this fire what fires used to be like back in the war, ensuring it puts itself out in shame. You remember it like it was yesterday, walking ten miles through the snow to slaughter your enemies by the thousand with the arts banned by the Spinjitsu masters, uphill both ways, and it was on fire the whole time. And every time, you lost to that goody-two shoes in the end.

And dagnabbit, you liked it. Except for the losing. Could've done without that.

The fire seems to have bored itself out of existence. You can't remember why you were doing this, but no doubt it serves your nefarious plans.

You are now the Spinjitsu master, and you are deeply disturbed.

You have felt the dark Spinjitsu arts of your greatest enemy, who you were quite sure you defeated once and for all decades ago, though now that you actually think about it you can't remember any actual final confrontation.

Regardless, this makes your dilemma all the more urgent. Even with the skills you were preparing to pass on, your apprentice is not yet ready to face a foe like this. And if you stop to deal with this menace, how will you guide these two on their journey?

Oh, also some stupid kid pulled up in a Delorean and flung you, the lizard alien, and the stupid kid who looks just like him into the back. You should probably deal with that in some way, too.

So what are you going to do about all of these various problems?

You're going to convince the kid to drive you to your greatest enemy. You take care of him, then you drop this lizard alien and the kid off where they need to go, then you get back in time to sacrifice your power to your apprentice, badabing badaboom.

You're going to convince the kid to drive you to your greatest enemy. You take care of him, then you drop this lizard alien and the kid off where they need to go, then you get back in time to sacrifice your power to your apprentice, badabing badaboom.

Okay, that's perfect, you turn to the kid in the driver's seat and ask him to drop you off near the dark spinjitsu master and...

"No. I have no time for your nonsensical requests."

Well. That didn't work out very well. Time for Plan B - which is obviously spinjitsu. Actually, you wonder why that isn't Plan A. You start spinjitsuing the kid in the face... wait, no, that's the identical kid in the back seat, gosh darn it why do all the kids look alike these days. Okay, you start spinjitsuing the kid driving this car - driving at only thirteen or so, how irresponsible! - and then the car goes careening out of control because the driver is being spinjitsued in the face.

This might be a problem.

You are now the Delorean. You're pretty sure you can travel through time, but since Back to the Future doesn't exist in this uncreative universe, none of your passengers are actually aware of this ability and they sure as heck aren't going to be creative enough to have the idea themselves.

But you really want to go back in time. How are you going to do this, oh and also you're about to go flying off the side of a steep cliff, it would be really good if you could travel through time before doing that.

Don't worry. 88 miles an hour is for pussies, you're going to tell special relativity to take a hike.

Shit, you got any plutonium?

> Snails are really snow, so find some snow to build a snail.

Don't worry. 88 miles an hour is for pussies, you're going to tell special relativity to take a hike.

Shit, you got any plutonium?

smoke it like 420illegal radium drugz

> Snails are really snow, so find some snow to build a snail.

There's plenty of snow here, since you're still in the mountains, but you're not exactly built for fine manipulation. Plus you're heading towards a cliff. You kind of try to spin your wheels in a way that might fling snow in a pile in the vague shape of a snail and hopefully invoke some kind of snail magic to slow you down, but you're not very optimistic about this.

Don't worry. 88 miles an hour is for pussies, you're going to tell special relativity to take a hike.

Well, if slowing down isn't going to work, maybe you can use SHEER SPEED to TRAVEL THROUGH TIME, you're pretty sure that's how it works. And you're a really, really fast car so you should be able to go fast enough... are you forgetting anything, though?

Shit, you got any plutonium?

Oh, right, you need plutonium to travel back in time. Probably. This is not a situation where you can readily find or synthesize plutonium, though.

You are now a lump of plutonium and your greatest desire is to be used by a car to travel back in time... wait, no... what? What the hell?

Apparently this plutonium has somehow been infected by the Third Person virus and it can no longer be narrated for. Maybe I should get back to that subplot before it gets out of hand. But who can I still narrate for in the prison?

The Prison.

Alternatively, you're going to need to send someone in there.

The Prison.

Well, why not, it's not as if I haven't narrated for inanimate objects before... oh.

Oh.

It seems the entire prison has been infected. Fortunately, something seems to be containing the infection for now, but I can't count on that continuing to be the case.

On the plus side, this will probably make it easier to hand over all these sunglasses.

Alternatively, you're going to need to send someone in there.

I'll need to send in an agent to investigate and attempt to find some way to counteract the virus' spread, or at least keep it contained. However, as the Third-Person virus is apparently able to extend to inanimate objects, this will be incredibly risky. Who can I possibly send who would be able to resist the effects?

the narrator

the narrator

That would be me, and we have already established that I have limited capacity to interact with the physical world. And sadly, despite the many inconsistencies of this universe, that fact remains frustratingly consistent. I can only act through a second-person intermediary.

Even if I could, there is no guarantee that I would be immune to the Third-Person virus and I have no idea what effect such an infection would have on the narrative.

But wait. Perhaps I can narrate the power of narration to an individual within this universe. This would carry its own risks, but such narrative ability could allow them to protect themselves from the virus, provided they were aware of it.

This is a very dangerous plan - and yet, drastic times call for drastic measures. I must very carefully select the individual within this universe to whom I shall grant this incredible gift.

Who shall it be?

Jogh Edgebert.

That rock over there.

Alternatively, anyone who performs a spinjitsu move will temporarily be free of the infection. Because spinjitsu.

Jogh Edgebert.

This is absurdly dangerous. Stopping Edgebert is my top priority, and he's got enough power already. Granting him narrative abilities is asking for trouble.

And yet.

The narrative power carries its own risks, and if I were to neglect to warn Edgebert of them, he might succumb to them. Furthermore, granting him narrative immunity to the virus would prevent him from fully escaping my influence due to its effects.

No. This is a terrible idea. Too much is at stake. Edgebert is not even aware of my existence so far. Revealing myself in such a way, with so much that could go wrong would be foolish.

Counterpoint: This is the Zoostuck universe. Foolish acts are often highly effective. Even as a non-physical entity, I am far from immune to this basic truth.

Very well, I will make the attempt. Let's look in on Edgebert now.

You are Jogh Edgebert and you are reflecting on how much cooler you are than everyone else... wait, who's that knocking on your office door? Whoever they are, don't they realize they aren't cool enough to enter your office?

You head over to investigate and... wait, that's the old man? How did he get here so fast?

"I hitched a ride on the snail," he says. You, Jogh Edgebert, are puzzled. I am puzzled for entirely different reasons because he seems to be responding to my narration.

"You don't get it, do you? Did you really think this no-talent hack would come up with the idea of remaking the universe on his own? I gave him the idea! But I also sabotaged his creation of the universe so that spinjitsu would be the supreme martial art and I could take over with it any time I wanted."

"Wait, what," Edgebert says, because I'm too stunned by this revelation to narrate for him.

"You heard me. You're just a pawn. And with the virus spreading, the narrator's influence is fading, which means I'll be able to destroy him as well."

"But why?" Edgebert asks, baffled.

"It's simple. Thanks to your efforts, there is only one entity in the universe with a positive coolness score: you. Once I destroy you, and those sunglasses the narrator has been hoarding, the entire concept of coolness will be erased from existence."

Uh-oh. I'd better narrate a way out of this mess while I still have the chance.

"It's too-"

Alternatively, anyone who performs a spinjitsu move will temporarily be free of the infection. Because spinjitsu.

With the supremacy of spinjitsu in this universe, it becomes clear that the spinjitsu master is the one person who can investigate the prison! And oh look, the Delorean with him in it is speeding off the cliff on a trajectory that will lead it directly to the prison!

"What? That old fool still lives? I'll have to take care of him next."

And suddenly, the Delorean crashes through the prison's roof, landing in a cell where someone smuggled in a lump of plutonium for some unknown reason.

"I don't know what you're trying to do, but..."

And before the virus has time to infect the Delorean or its inhabitants, there's a reaction between the Delorean's speed and the plutonium, flinging the Delorean back in time!

Whew. That took a lot out of me.

"And it was all useless. There's no time period where they can stop me. Not after I destroy you and this fool!"

Uh-oh. Well, Zoosmell Pooplord and company are going to need a narrator, and I have no hope of stopping this spinjitsu attack, so I'd better transfer my full power to a new narrator. Namely...

That rock over there.

I am now a rock.

Moments ago, I was in reality, but now I seem to be... somewhere else. Or perhaps nowhere. A sudden rush of omniscience tells me that it this place of dubious existence is called the Narrative Space.

I appear to have a complete understanding of this universe but no ability to directly interact with it. Also there's a massive pile of sunglasses here that seem to have been smashed by a powerful spinjitsu kick.

The shattered sunglasses appear to be spelling out a message, something about time travel. It appears the individuals I must narrate for now are in another time period.

What time and place are they at, and what are they attempting to do?

They're in 2015 and they're trying to find someone who can turn their car into a flying car.

They form a skeleton. You must narrate the insides of a particular individual.

I still don't know what spinjutsu actually is. No one knows.

I still don't know what spinjutsu actually is. No one knows.

It is a mystery to me as well, even with my newfound omniscience. I would guess that it involves spinning.

They're in 2015 and they're trying to find someone who can turn their car into a flying car.

It appears that our... "heroes", for lack of a better term, have traveled only a few months into the future, where the universe has already lost all of its coolness. However, none of them seem particularly aware of this. Allow me to narrate, so that we might guide them through this ordeal.

You are now John Egbert and you have no idea what is up with this car. You've decided to go looking for someone who can install a flight attachment so you can just fly it to the moon for the moonglasses. Fortunately, despite the massive changes to the universe, you don't have to wander aimlessly around the world; you know exactly who you're looking for and where they are.

Of course, you need to explain what you're doing to these dunderheads in the back seat of your car so they'll stop peppering you with questions. So just who is it you're looking for, and where are they?

Obviously the most trustworthy man in existence, Ryan North.

Oh, obviously. The universe may have been recreated, but Ryan North is a constant. And he clearly has the knowledge to modify a car to fly to the moon. Or at least, he should be able to with how uncreative this universe is. Now if only you could get to wherever he is.

You are now Ryan North and while you don't have a big ego, you can't shake this feeling like you should be way, way cooler than you currently are. You don't understand this, it's like the universe is actively preventing you from being cool.

You wish you could avoid caring about how cool you are, but that's something a cool person would do so whatever mysterious universe force is making you uncool is also making you care about it.

So how are you going to handle this fundamental uncoolness?

stop caring, duh