Zoostuck 3

You CAN do both. Simply sacrifice yourself and have your rad Spinjitsu training allow your ghost to lead them to the ship.

But your training will be sacrificed to aid your apprentice!

You CAN do both. Simply sacrifice yourself and have your rad Spinjitsu training allow your ghost to lead them to the ship.

That's not going to work, your Spinjitsu ghost is going to be the one transferring your knowledge and skills to your pupil! And it can't be in two places at once, honestly, it's as if you've forgotten everything you know about spiritual mentoring.

No, you're going to have to make an actual decision here, and you're terrible at making decisions. If you were good at making decisions, you'd have made a killing in the stock market instead of wasting your life mastering martial arts and becoming spiritually enlightened, with nothing to show for it except a lifetime of wisdom, a talented pupil and the reverence of an entire alien species.

You are now Zoosmell Pooplord and you have completely lost track of the plot. Weren't you supposed to be incompetently stumbling into a catapult set up by an alternate version of yourself who despises you for existing or something like that? How are you going to even get there from here?

Spinjitsu. It's the answer to literally everything. At least according to Lego.

Spinjitsu. It's the answer to literally everything. At least according to Lego.

There's no Lego in this universe, it would foster too much creativity! Not that you realize this, being only an unwitting pawn in the effort to reverse the damage wrought by Jogh Edgebert, the coolest guy in the universe.

However, you are trying to be marginally less uncool and maybe learning a martial art would help with that. You ask the Spinjitsu Master if you can learn all his cool Spinjitsu tricks.

He takes one look at you and laughs. Well, that was embarrassing but also entirely typical of your life experiences.

You are now John Egbert and you're getting impatient. Your inferior doppelganger who stole your existence should be here by now, even accounting for his total incompetence. The only explanation you can devise is that he's being sidetracked by someone else's incompetence, since Edgebert lacks the creativity to imagine any way that imbecile could be a threat to him.

It seems clear that you're going to have to locate Pooplord so you can properly manipulate him into furthering your plans. How inconvenient. How will you accomplish this?

To be honest, probably Spinjitsu.

To be honest, probably Spinjitsu.

To be honest, probably Spinjitsu.

To be honest, probably Spinjitsu.

Spinjitsu? Why would you think of such an absurd word, what does that even mean... oh, wait. It must be a clue from the genius creator whose vision of the universe you intend to make into reality. Pooplord's current location must somehow relate to this, this Spinjitsu nonsense.

Fortunately, it is not difficult to learn more, as Edgebert's uncreative concept of the Internet is "you type a question on your computer and it tells you the answer". Consequently, when you ask for locations of relevance to Spinjitsu, it promptly gives you a map with a big X on it indicating the home of the current master of the art. Pooplord must be in the vicinity.

But your transportation options - and resources in general - are quite limited. You cannot simply fly over there and pick him up; you will need a far more elaborate plan, which will of course be one properly suited to your genius.

Now, what will that plan be?

...sssssspiiiinjiiiiitsuuuu?

sinjitsu, hell-fist fighting championchips in the DOJO OF THE NINTH RING

Ask the internet to get you a car

...sssssspiiiinjiiiiitsuuuu?

You are not even going to dignify this stray thought with a detailed analysis of how imbecilic it would be.

Ask the internet to get you a car

Ah, of course. In this universe, the Internet has all the answers. You ask it about cars.

Specifically, you ask it about fast, easy-to-steal cars nearby. Your financial resources are somewhat limited. You also don't actually know how to drive, but that should not be a complicated process in this universe.

Soon enough, you find your target, then head out to acquire it.

You are now someone who has just had your very fast car stolen by some kid. Who are you and why is this an absolute disaster beyond just losing your car?

You're the Fast Car Guru and you literally just bet someone you have a thousand ultra fast cars. Now you only have nine hundred ninety nine ultra fast cars and that douchebag you made a bet with is on his way.

It was your favorite DeLorean.

Because it was a muscle car. Made from real mussels. The seafood industry is not going to like this.

Spinj*CRACK*

It was a really. Fast. Car. In this uncreative universe exceeding the speed of light is literally a matter of having the fastest vehicle.

Spinj*CRACK*

It was a really. Fast. Car. In this uncreative universe exceeding the speed of light is literally a matter of having the fastest vehicle.

Well, yeah, but that's just the obvious issue. You don't actually have anywhere you need to be urgently... yet.

It was your favorite DeLorean.

Of course, you really liked that DeLorean, too. Sure, you might not technically own it as a matter of law, since it just turned up in your driveway one morning when you woke up, but nobody else ever laid a claim on it.

But that's just the loss of one of your most prized possessions. Terrible and sad, but manageable. No, the real issue is much more immediate.

You're the Fast Car Guru and you literally just bet someone you have a thousand ultra fast cars. Now you only have nine hundred ninety nine ultra fast cars and that douchebag you made a bet with is on his way.

Namely, you only have nine hundred and ninety-nine really fast cars now, and that means you're going to lose the bet you made like five minutes ago. Unless you can find another really fast car in a hurry, you're in big trouble.

Of course you already checked the internet, but when you have nine hundred and ninety-nine really fast cars all in one place, most of the responses just point to those and they don't do you any good. You're going to need to think of something to do about this problem... fast.

Supercharge a snail.

on fire

all cars - my cars

all cars - my cars

The internet in this universe is too uncreative for that kind of detailed problem-solving. For that matter, so are you. You're going to need the kind of solution that's less creative than something Jogh Edgebert would come up with, and he's pretty uncreative, although you obviously don't think so because he made you think he was the coolest and most creative person in the universe.

Supercharge a snail.

on fire

So, somehow, through your extremely uncreative thought process, you decide that since snails are really snow, maybe if you set one on fire it will go really fast. You are, of course, completely lacking in all qualities that could lead you to conclude this is a bad idea, so you promptly grab a lighter and go looking for a snail.

You are now a snail. Somehow you ended up betting some idiot that he didn't have a thousand really fast cars and you're on your way to meet him.

But with all the cars you see around here, it strikes you that maybe he really does have that many cars and you could have a lot of trouble paying up. How are you going to get out of this stupid bet?

sheepishly suggest that maybe this bet isn't so great after all, haha, and we should all calm down and call it off

alternatively, spinjitsu

eat flame

Maybe, if you somehow get really fast, then the guy will lose the bet because he said he had a thousand fast cars and if you're faster, then they must be slow cars and thus, you win.

alternatively, spinjitsu

sheepishly suggest that maybe this bet isn't so great after all, haha, and we should all calm down and call it off

Yeah, there's no way he'll go for that now. He's just going to think, correctly, that you don't want to pay up. Maybe if you somehow convinced him he was going to lose and you were offering him a chance to back out gracefully, but what are the odds of that?

Maybe, if you somehow get really fast, then the guy will lose the bet because he said he had a thousand fast cars and if you're faster, then they must be slow cars and thus, you win.

Of course! Semantics work every time! Except for one thing, you're a snail. You're not fast at all. You're even slower than you'd normally be due to the uncreative nature of the universe exaggerating all of your major traits.

Too bad, that would be a really good way of winning this bet... wait, what's that smell?

Are you on fire?

eat flame

YOU'RE ON FIRE AAAGGGHHH

YOU WANT TO RUN AND RUN AND RUN BUT BECAUSE YOU'RE EXAGGERATEDLY SLOW YOU JUST END UP BEING SLIGHTLY SLOWER THAN AN OLD MAN WITH A CANE PASSING BY

YOU'RE SO DESPERATE THAT YOU START EATING THE FIRE BUT THAT JUST BURNS YOUR TONGUE NOW YOU DESPERATELY NEED WATER AAAGGHHH

You are now an old man with a cane. There's a snail on fire nearby that's slightly slower than you are.

How do you intend to deal with this?