Zoostuck 3

Just blow them up. Blow them both up.

> ignore. pass it on to Death. He'll kill them both.

Yes, that would be a great idea... except, no, you are Death now thanks to downsizing. And killing anyone without properly settling their fate first just leads to a lot of paperwork, it's a huge pain.

Roll 99d20

You can't do that! You're the one who has to decide how all the dice come up. That's just giving you ninety-nine more decisions to make. As if you didn't have enough of a headache already.

> Consult D&D manual

You decide to look through your Decisions and Donuts handbook. It's never let you down yet.

It suggests you have a donut, as always. Excellent advice, but sadly, eating the donut doesn't seem to have resolved your issue at all. Maybe you need another handbook.

Just blow them up. Blow them both up.

You already explained that you can't kill them!

But wait, maybe you can just cause a big explosion that doesn't kill either of them. That should simplify things. There isn't as much paperwork to do that way.

Now the only question left is what should be the source of this explosion.

A muffin.

Another monkey and blender.

Cordite.

A muffin.

Cordite.

Oh, hey, wouldn't you know it, there's a convenient cordite muffin right in the room. All you have to do is detonate it.

And, done. The monkey and blender have been blown up, but not killed, completely sidestepping all questions that you have to deal with. Seriously, this job stinks. If only you could solve all your problems with nonlethal explosions.

You are now someone whose job is solving problems with nonlethal explosions. And the current problem you're facing is very, very difficult to handle given the tools available to you.

What is that problem, again?

A house full of cockroaches that is so weak that using any explosion will kill both the roaches AND the house.

Your tool is a jar of nitroglycerine.

Your problem is that a living house of cards has come to life, and it has a tornado fetish.

A house full of cockroaches that is so weak that using any explosion will kill both the roaches AND the house.

Your tool is a jar of nitroglycerine.

Your problem is that a living house of cards has come to life, and it has a tornado fetish.

Ah, of course. You've got a roach-infested house of cards demanding to see a tornado, and it's so flimsily constructed that even your specially-engineered explosives will tear it apart and probably crush all the roaches inside. Which is a big problem, because your reputation for resolving these situations non-lethally is the core of your business strategy.

The only option you're left with is somehow using your explosives to produce a tornado so the negotiators can get somewhere. Unfortunately, you're all out of tornado-generating explosives. You'd have to either get more, or somehow bring an existing tornado here.

It's not looking good. Frankly, you're almost desperate enough to detonate your limbo-teleportation explosive just so you don't have to deal with this mess any more.

You are now the obvious solution staring this guy in the face, namely using the limbo-teleportation explosive to retrieve the tornado from limbo that he doesn't know about. Okay, so maybe you're not that obvious from his point of view, but you're really obvious to any omniscient observer who's been paying attention.

Regardless of who you may or may not be obvious to, the fact remains that you don't want to be the solution to this guy's problem. This is either because you have a secret nefarious agenda or because you're just a jerk. You haven't decided which yet.

So how are you going to stop this guy with the nonlethal explosives from using you as a solution?

murder

> Remove face

A nonlethal explosion

Disguise yourself as an unobvious solution

murder

Ah, of course.

A murder of crows flying by should provide sufficient distraction to prevent anyone from thinking of you. It's the perfect plan.

Well, except for that minor detail where you have a complete inability to affect anything in the physical world. But a good plan is worth acknowledging regardless.

You are now a crow. You have no interest whatsoever in what anyone else in the universe is doing. What are you going to do?

eat some roadkill

eat some roadkill

Oh man, roadkill's delicious. You could really go for some right now.

Too bad you're stuck on this mountain with some martial arts master who's seeing a couple of uninteresting morons. There's no roads anywhere in sight! The closest one is probably at least a mile away, as the crow flies, and you don't have that kind of time.

Well, maybe you do have that kind of time, but still, you're impatient.

Maybe those idiots over there can help you get some roadkill. But how are you going to get them to do that instead of whatever stupid thing they're talking about?

when the early bird gets the worm, consume them. They are the first ones to arrive, therefore, they will be killed. Make sure it's on the road.

Moo. Don't stop. Ever.

Are you sure you aren't a raven?

peck their neck

Are you sure you aren't a raven?

Raven, crow, blackbird, same difference. You're not going to go around saying "Nevermore!" in any case.

when the early bird gets the worm, consume them. They are the first ones to arrive, therefore, they will be killed. Make sure it's on the road.

Uh, the problem with this plan is you're the early bird here. At least, you're the first bird on the scene. Plus the road is still a mile away! Oh, and you hate worms. There isn't a single aspect of this plan that helps you in any way!

Moo. Don't stop. Ever.

Suddenly, you get a brilliant idea. You will persuade these non-crows that you're one of them by imitating their call. You're pretty sure that humans moo, so you start doing that.

This seems to have gotten their attention, and they all seem totally intimidated by your superior call, and not merely baffled at the sight of a crow mooing. Now you can make your move! Just as soon as you think of it.

peck their neck

Eh, no sense making this complicated, just peck their necks until they do what you say. You start with the one with the most limbs, which is clearly the alpha human.

You are now the alpha human, which is to say you are a space lizard with four arms and three legs. A tiny and very intimidating Earth creature is attempting to peck your neck, but it's having trouble finding it because you don't have much of a neck.

What are you going to do?

let's see where it's going with this. crane your neck to the side so it gets a better angle

Wring wring

let's see where it's going with this. crane your neck to the side so it gets a better angle

Yes, clearly this is an important Earth ritual that will aid you in your return to the planet-ship. You attempt to move your neck to give the creature a better view and...

Ow! This is probably not helpful at all! In fact, it is quite painful! This creature must actually be a spy sent by your enemies that you were unaware you had! You need to stop it, but how?

Wring wring

Of course. You need to know who your enemies that you were previously unaware of are, and that means wringing the information out of their spy. You grasp all four of your hands around its tiny neck and demand answers.

The impulsive young Earthling and the old and wise Earthling are staring at you. Clearly they are impressed by this demonstration of the superiority of your species.

You are now the Spinjitsu master. Some kid with a stupid name and one of those weird alien lizards that you impressed with your ability to hear through your ears and smell through your nose turned up on your doorstop and interrupted your efforts to sacrifice yourself to save your apprentice, and now the lizard seems to be fighting with a crow.

With the incredible wisdom you acquired from your mastery of martial arts, you realized that the lizard must want to return to its planet-sized spaceship and needs your help. You can guide it there, but you don't have time to do that and sacrifice yourself to grant your tornado apprentice the skills it needs to win the limbo contest that hasn't actually started yet because the limbo champion is waiting for it to issue the challenge.

How will you resolve this dilemma?

You CAN do both. Simply sacrifice yourself and have your rad Spinjitsu training allow your ghost to lead them to the ship.