Zoostuck 3

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Send him a passive aggressive memo and then eat his lunch from the breakroom fridge

Yeah! He won't be so smug about having his own desk after he reads this memo urgently requesting a list of twenty-five reasons why he smells! That's a good one.

And to add injury to insult, you're going to eat his lunch, so you head to the breakroom and...

Wait a minute. You don't know his name. So how are you going to figure out which lunch is his?

just eat all the lunches

eat the lunch's lunch

just eat all the lunches

As appealing as it is to arbitrarily punish everyone in the company, that's a lot of lunches. You couldn't possibly eat them all yourself.

But wait! What if you assembled all the lunches into one single superlunch? Yes, this plan is perfect! It's so perfect that once you finish and the lunch attains sentience, you can't remember why exactly you wanted to do it.

eat the lunch's lunch

Oh, right. You had a lunch to steal. So you steal it from the superlunch! That'll show everyone!

You grab the bag from it and... Wait a second. This is YOUR lunch! That good-for-nothing superlunch just straight up stole it from you!

Obviously you can't let this stand. So what are you going to do about this thieving superlunch you've created?

eat its lunch

make a sublunch

a david lunch if you will

Burn it up

eat its lunch

You already tried that, only to discover that it stole your lunch! Gosh, can't these extrauniversal voices that you listen to for some reason pay attention?

On the other hand, coming up with a plan for vengeance upon this superlunch that you have created will be easier if you're not hungry. So you eat your lunch right there while the superlunch is staring at you.

Burn it up

And as you eat, you think of a brilliant idea: Fire.

You set the superlunch on fire and proceed to laugh maniacally. Nobody's getting any lunch today except you!

You are now the superlunch. You are on fire, but more importantly, you are very hungry because this mean lady took your lunch. Which was her lunch in the first place, okay, but that doesn't make you any less hungry.

Where are you going to find a new lunch?

Turn the mean lady into lunch to replace what you've lost

eat fire for lunch

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Turn the mean lady into lunch to replace what you've lost

You consider eating her, but... well... she's scary! You kind of just want to get away from her, honestly.

eat fire for lunch

You attempt to solve your problem of being hungry and your problem of being on fire simultaneously by eating the fire.

This just results in your insides burning too. It doesn't really help with either problem. Darn, and you thought you were on to something.


With your other options being either terrifying or ineffective, you decide that this is a sign that you must go on a journey. A journey for lunch - no, that is just the objective on the surface. In this journey, you will learn to laugh, to cry. To love. You will learn the true meaning of friendship, you will overcome the greatest obstacles. You will understand that the greatest lunch of all is...

Wait, what's that?

<Loather> dragonfogel: i eat the burning superlunch, fire and all
<Loather> it gives me strength

You are now Loather again and you've decided that you haven't had enough to eat. So you just grab the superlunch and devour it while it's still on fire.

It's delicious. Also, you feel more powerful than ever. As though you could...

PBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBT

Wow. You had no idea so many of your employees had beans for lunch.

You are now a four-armed three-legged lizardperson. Somewhere along the line you traveled back in time without realizing it, and you're in this weird corporate office you don't recognize.

And you have just heard the power that is the cherry blossom of the sky. It's way stronger than yours, that's for sure. You can bet that its petals are falling with grace yet subtlety upon the inky surface of the mill-pond.

So according to that very clear message from the martial arts master, the moon should be disturbed about now. This is clearly your chance to act.

Now if only you could figure out what you're supposed to do with that chance.

catch the pieces of moon france

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catch the pieces of moon france

Oh, of course. If the moon is disturbed, then these moon people who took over the universe will be in disarray and you can use this as an opportunity to sow political discord and put yourself in charge!

If only you could actually find some moon people to put you in charge. Well, maybe if you write a letter they'll find it.


Of course, you can't write a whole long political speech in this letter, people will get bored. You need something more concise. A slogan, maybe.

You write PUT ME IN CHARGE in your letter. That should get the tone across.

Now you just need to figure out where to put the letter so that the moon people will find it. Where will that be?

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The Lunatic Asylum

The Lunatic Asylum

Ah, of course, the local Post Office and Lunatic Asylum. It makes perfect sense to you that both services would use the same building.

Naturally, you leave the letter in there, where you can be sure it will lead to your installation as supreme ruler of something-or-other. Now all you have to do is wait.

You are now a member of the Sun Army, a number of years in the future from that previous scene. Or was it the Moon Army? You're so broken up by the sight of the Solaris from several pages ago that you can't even remember if there's a difference any more.

You feel lost. Alone. You don't have any what to do. So you're just wandering through the halls of this asylum, which is also a post office for some reason.

Suddenly, you find a letter. Inside is a message - "PUT ME IN CHARGE".

Of course. It makes so much sense. You need a new leader to guide you through these trying times. The author of this mysterious letter is clearly the best choice for the task. You need to tell the other soldiers of this revelation at once!

But how are you going to figure out who wrote the letter?

overzealous government spying

overzealous government spying

Of course! If you spy on everyone, you're sure to figure out who wrote the letter! Even better, you'll have a powerful intelligence agency ready to ensure they're informed of threats once you install them in place!

The only problem is, that's a lot of work that requires someone to make decisions until you find your incredibly wise leader. And, well, whoever you put in charge for the moment might get the idea not to step aside when you find the leader you're looking for.

Who can you possibly trust with this heavy responsibility?

your local postman

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your local postman

Of course! Your best friend Allex Dashing, who went to work in the post office. You know he can be trusted with anything! You promptly assign him the title of Supreme Leader Pro Tem and get back to work.

You are now Allex Dashing and all these sun or moon soldiers are asking you what they should do. You have no idea what they're talking about, you're just a mail carrier.

Still, you figure you should assign them some kind of task, just to give them something to do. What's it going to be?

deliver my mail