Zoostuck 3

You're the party pooper, here to ruin everyone's good time. You're going to start by dismantling the oppressive system that enforces attendance at the parties: THE POLICE

You're the party pooper, here to ruin everyone's good time. You're going to start by dismantling the oppressive system that enforces attendance at the parties: THE POLICE

Oh, right, you're Mark (actually Debbie) Downer and you decided to start sabotaging the party. You still need to get the blanket involved somehow, but you figure the easiest way to do that is to start ruining the party and then brag about what a great job you're doing of it.

Anyways, you were planning to stop by the Taco Bell and see if you could get a lift when you saw a whole bunch of people come by. That's when you took the opportunity to phone the Party Police so you can get in their way and keep the number of guests down. Even better, you might get them to arrest you and take you to the party.

So when you saw their party wagon arrive, that's when you set off your sabotage.

you're at the taco bell and you're responsible for an explosion of FLAVOR

Namely, a hot sauce bomb, courtesy of this truckload of hot sauce you found. You've now covered everyone in hot sauce, so there's no way they'll be able to attend the party in that condition.

Now you just need to grab the party police officer's keys so you can steal his party wagon, drive back into the Badlands and taunt the blanket so it follows you, then drive to Porlock and ruin the party. It's the perfect plan!

Well, except you're not sure how to steal the officer's keys. He'll be running over here to investigate the explosion, so you might be able to catch him by surprise, but you don't have a plan other than that.

You are now the demon. You're really bored but you haven't been dismissed yet, so you're just standing here in this pentagram of magic honey because there isn't really anything else you can do. How are you going to relieve your boredom?

Lick the pentagram

Lick the pentagram

Well, why not? Being a demon, you don't actually require food, but that doesn't mean you can't taste it. You stoop down and lick the honey pentagram and...

BZZAPP!

Oh, right, one of the rules is that you're not allowed to disturb the pentagram. Wow, that hurt.

That was some damn good magic honey, though. Totally worth the intense pain.

You are now the possibly-demon-possessed grizzly bear and you think you smell magic honey. But you're stuck in this line with these idiots waiting for a clerk who's run off somewhere. What are you going to do?

Cut in line, raid the kitchen

line becomes square

square becomes cube

Cut in line, raid the kitchen

Yeah, forget this. You're a possibly-demonic grizzly! You don't need to mess around with human social customs! You just shove the guy in line ahead of you and...

...wait, that's the guy in the weird glasses and you feel as though that's going to be a problem somehow.

line becomes square

All of a sudden, your surroundings shift, and you see the line replicated four times, forming a square. You get a headache as you stare at the three other bears staring at you, baffled at exactly which direction they're trying to force their way through.

square becomes cube

It gets worse a moment later. The line ascends another dimension, and now there are twelve of everyone. It's giving you motion sickness.

You and everyone else, it seems. A moment later, there's a big pile of vomit in the middle of the cube.

You are now the big pile of vomit. You also contain significant quantities of hot sauce, because everything in here is covered in it. You contain the vomit of twelve identical sets of people and you feel that, even though this was a complete accident, you were nevertheless imbued with a sense of purpose.

What is that purpose?

squaredance

squaredance

Yes, you feel the urge swelling through your very being. You were brought into existence to be a squaredance caller.

As you open your disturbing approximation of a mouth, music plays from a source unknown even to you. You tell those assembled around you to swing their partners round and round, do-si-do, and all that other stuff. They're confused by it, but after a while they seem to be enjoying themselves.

You are now the wet blanket. You have suddenly sensed people enjoying themselves not that far away from the Badlands. And you are not going to let this stand.

But how are you going to get to where they are?

square the circle

wind power

wind power

Of course! You'll conveniently have the wind blow you over there! It's the perfect plan.

Except for the part where you have no control whatsoever over the direction of the wind and are at the mercy of fate as to whether you can secure yourself to anything. Too bad you didn't think about those things before you started.

You almost - almost - find yourself missing Debbie. She could actually carry you places! But you stop yourself from following that train of thought too far, because you'll be damned if you actually let yourself care about her again and...

Oh hell, of course the stupid wind blew you right to her. She seems to be hanging around outside a Taco Bell for some reason? You can only hope she doesn't notice you...

So of course she does. Now she's probably going to gloat about how she can move under her own power and...

"Hey, idiot. Help me get this stupid cop's keys so I can ruin his party."

The gall! How dare she ask for your help after all that's happened? You've got half a mind to... to...

To ruin the party before she can! Yeah, that'll show her! And you'll do that by, uh. Dammit, you used to be really good at coming up with plans for this.

So how are you going to ruin this party you don't actually know anything about?

the centimeter square, said it cured fear

get access to a pay phone and ring up Spoil Sport for some ideas

get access to a pay phone and ring up Spoil Sport for some ideas

Oh no. You are through with that company. The only thing their faulty products are good at ruining are your plans for ruining parties.

Plus they're way overpriced for something like this. All you need to do is grab some cop's keys and... drive... his car... when you don't have enough mass to operate any of its systems...

You're starting to remember the reasons why you had a partner in the first place. Not that you're going to swallow your pride and work with Debbie again. No way. Sure, she might have been great at carrying you from place to place and had lots of great ideas for how to ruin everyone's fun and...

You forgot where you were going with this, but the point is, Debbie's going to have to find her own party to ruin. Except she won't because you'll ruin that one too. But first you have to ruin this one. All you need to do is, uh...

"You with the blanket! Freeze! There's a party in Porlock and you're invited!"

Oh right. Get this cop's keys. You vow to do it in the most humiliating way you can think of because you seriously resent his implication that you're with Debbie.

the centimeter square, said it cured fear

So you babble some nonsense at him.

"What did you say?" he asks, baffled, his eyes fixated on Debbie. She just glares at him as you continue babbling about squares and fear and whatever.

You are now the cop and you have suddenly had a realization. These cryptic clues you're hearing must be an indication that there's an unauthorized square dance going on! You've got to find whoever's involved and take them to a real party!

But you've got to be careful around square dancers. What's the best way to handle this situation?

Bring Morris

Bring Morris

You have no idea who that is, and whoever they are their name is probably Mark now anyways.

Anyways, you're the party police. You're ready for anything, as long as it involves parties. You leave the matter of the troublemaker with a blanket aside for now and march into the Taco Bell, where you hurl a handful of confetti ahead of you and demand to know who's ready to party.

Usually this gets you an enthusiastic response, or at least some blank stares, but the square dancers don't seem to take any notice of you at all. You notice that they're all square-dancing in some kind of cube shape, with something really gross in the middle calling the dances.

This is not something they covered in officer training.

You are now Debbie Downer - you refuse to think of yourself as a Mark, no matter what the law says - and you still don't have that stupid cop's keys. Instead you just have this stupid blanket you never wanted to see again except you sort of did.

So how are you going to spoil this party?

use the hot sauce to hotwire

juice

milk that is exactly the expiration date

use the hot sauce to hotwire

It occurs to you that there's still a lot of hot sauce here, and if you can make a bomb out of it, you can probably do a lot more with it too.

You head over to the cop car, where some idiot in the back seat is calling for help. You ignore him and just pour hot sauce into the lock to melt it open, then you pour more into the ignition, because you're sure that's going to help somehow...

Uh. The steering wheel melts. On the plus side, all the wiring seems intact, as far as you can tell. Well, except for the stuff that's still melting. Maybe you want to stop that while you can still theoretically drive this car.

milk that is exactly the expiration date

You remember something about how hot sauce is an acid and milk is a base, so you figure you'll grab some. You run into the McDonald's and find a carton with today's date on it. Well, that'll work.

You toss the milk into the wiring and... well, you're not sure, but it doesn't seem to be melting. You grab the wires and step on the pedals and...

And nothing happens. You take a glance and see that the fuel gauge is empty. So this car isn't going anywhere, it looks like. Unless you have something to fix it.

juice

Juice! Yeah, cars need juice, you remember something like that. Fortunately, you grabbed a cup while you were in the McDonald's, because you wanted something to drink. But this is a better cause. You can get drinks at the party while you're ruining it.

You toss your cup into the wires, step on the pedals, and drive! Really, really, fast. You have no idea where you're going. Maybe you're even driving all the way out of Denmark...

What was that you just hit?

You are now Zoosmell Pooplord and the guy you were fighting just got hit by a car. That's fortunate, because you were in a really rough spot just before then. Even your ketchup-enhanced magical punching shoes weren't helping you much and...

Wait a minute, some lady with a blanket just stepped out of the car and it looks like her shoes are glowing too. That's weird.

Also, you can hear the guy you were fighting groaning underneath the car. He's probably going to get up and start fighting you again soon.

So what are you going to do now?

touch shoes

SpoilerShow

(about time)

kick him while he's down