This Guy's Problem (TWS)

It's like the story of the grasshopper and the ant. The ant buddied up to the grasshopper and then when the grasshopper wasn't expecting it the ant brought him to the swamp to get eaten by a frog, and that taught the mooching bastard what's what.

So what I'm saying is offer Clarion a drink. Suggest that the two of you can maybe share tips on stuff or something. Get in his good graces so you can find his darkest secrets and greatest weaknesses.

>And maybe learn to be a decent solicitor!

Make sure you didn't mishear. Make sure it wasn't SPEARED.

"...no he didn't do it. HE DIDN'T DO IT!"

You scream and kick back at the guard while you hang from the noose. The members of the COURT seem too busy applauding the LORD'S decision as well as getting ready to see a much-loved PUBLIC EXECUTION, to really care what's the crazy solicitor is up to.

The guard, a six foot tall burly man with armor emblazoned with the LORD's insignia, approaches scraggly Andy (you never learned his name) fully intent on taking the poor peasant to his death. You knock him a good one in his face. He doesn't take too kindly to that, and yanks you, puppets and all, off of the noose with a single hand. His other hand dips into the large jar of OTTO'S EPOXY, pulls out a brush and slops a glob of it on your butt.

He then sticks you down on the bench. It has a surprisingly strong hold. OTTO is very well known for his glues. He also happens to be the LORD'S BROTHER, hence the use of glue in the LORD's judicial system.

You can't pull yourself off without risking EXPOSING yourself to the LADIES OF THE COURT. You aren't THAT KIND OF CRAZY. Besides, that's what you get for playing with NOOSES.

So you sit there. Stuck. The guard takes away the peasant, seat and all, and carries him out of the DEFENSE CHAMBER. The members of the court marvel at the spectacle of a man whose MURDER they assume will bring them SAFETY.

All because of HIM...

You take HOBO JONES out of the bag and place him on your finger.

"What do I do guys? I can't take this anymore. It will just HAPPEN AGAIN. and AGAIN. and AGAIN."

It's like the story of the grasshopper and the ant. The ant buddied up to the grasshopper and then when the grasshopper wasn't expecting it the ant brought him to the swamp to get eaten by a frog, and that taught the mooching bastard what's what.

So what I'm saying is offer Clarion a drink. Suggest that the two of you can maybe share tips on stuff or something. Get in his good graces so you can find his darkest secrets and greatest weaknesses.

You nod. You know you're never in a good place when HOBO JONES starts to make sense but you DON'T CARE.

"I HATE HIM SO MUCH. And now I'm only ALIVE because of HIM? He's always SMILING and NODDING and LOOKING BETTER THAN ME. LOOKING DOWN ON ME...and now ANDY? I never even LEARNED HIS NAME.

"I bet he doesn't even KNOW what's going to happen to him. And CLARION can just sit there and sleep comfortably at HOME with his WIFE and PARTIES and HAPPY LIFE and I GET NOTHING.

"Maybe I could get him? Maybe I could TEACH HIM A LESSON? Maybe I could BUDDY UP with him and SCREW HIM OVER and...

>And maybe learn to be a decent solicitor!

You start sobbing into your puppet laden hands. You are mostly ALONE now. There are a few stragglers in the courtroom. Mostly PEASANTS that don't want to get in the way of the NOBILITY. They avoid looking at you.

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Make sure you didn't mishear. Make sure it wasn't SPEARED.

Oh you heard quite well. He certainly said 'STABBED'. You've told this story so many times it's a bit refreshing to listen to someone else retell it. Your WIFE is probably sick of hearing it, herself, but she STAYED HOME tonight so you don't think she would mind. You would like to hurry home to her before it gets too late, however.

You are now CLARION VERGIS

>_

But Clarion doesn't have finger puppets! How can we talk to him?

Obviously, we default to being imaginary shoulder beings.

Hey Clarion! Have you had any history of having shoulder beings? Or, for that matter, mental illness from being so damn perfect? You know what they say, spotless on the outside...

>Embrace loving wife and have perfect and successful life.

But Clarion doesn't have finger puppets! How can we talk to him?

You think on the SOLICITOR, whose actual name you KNOW but for whatever reason is not part of this particular thought. Though you may THINK about his NAME later, as it does have PERSONAL SIGNIFICANCE to you. As a reasonable and intelligent individual, you have the ability to categorize, address, and if need be, ignore the plethora of thoughts that run through your head. Like a normal person. You do not need the aid of FINGER PUPPETS like the SOLICITOR, nor do you have to shout out EVERY IDEA that comes to mind.

Hey Clarion! Have you had any history of having shoulder beings? Or, for that matter, mental illness from being so damn perfect? You know what they say, spotless on the outside...

Though it is sad to see such an individual in his state. It makes you wonder if perhaps there is something wrong with yourself. You are hardly perfect. A perfect person would have been able to spare that poor PEASANT, but you assume it was the lesser of two evils. At the very least...

>Embrace loving wife and have perfect and successful life.

you have your WIFE. Sweet sweet Amy. Without her you would hardly be as SUCCESSFUL as you are now. And you're not talking about the substantial DOWERY you received when you married her. Amy is both the source of your JOY and ENCOURAGEMENT. There is simply no other woman like her. You really do want to go back and see her soon, but you may need to speak with a few more PEOPLE.

It's a small PARTY, mostly NOBLES, though a few businessmen are present. It's in the LORD's COUNTRY COTTAGE, which is adjacent to THE LORDS COUNTRY CHURCH. You think the LORD built it here on purpose to confuse people, but you keep that to yourself.

You're on the FIRST FLOOR, in the LIVING ROOM/TAVERN. Lots of HUNTING TROPHIES compose the DECOR. This house was built almost expressly for PARTIES - hence the BARTENDER and wide varieties of BEERS, WINES, and MEADS. You have a small glass of VODKA yourself. There isn't much of it, but the LORD knows you favor it and had a few in his private collection.

You are SORT OF A LIGHTWEIGHT, so you nurse your drink like a PRO. The AIR is getting more ethanol than you are.

There are a number of GUESTS here, a group of LADIES chattering in the corner. Occasionally making a few PASSING GLANCES at you. The BARTENDER and the BARMAID are keeping the drinks flowing and the place tidy. The LORD is not present, but you recognize HIS BROTHER chatting it up with a un-armored KNIGHT.

The KNIGHT, while UN-ARMORED, seems very ENAMORED with one of the LADIES, though the LORD'S BROTHER is keeping him from making any MOVES.

Near the FIREPLACE you notice a PROFESSOR casually reading a BOOK. Adjacent from him, a pair of NOBLEMEN seem to be ARGUING.

There are probably more people in THE KITCHEN and you saw a few guests slink UPSTAIRS, but you think if it's best that you just STAY HERE for now. Unless a very compelling thought directs you otherwise.

>_

Have you read that author before? Perhaps you could have an illuminating discussion with Mister Professor.

>Basic charming party etiquette autopilot. You've been to a hundred parties like this. In the past year alone.

>Basic charming party etiquette autopilot. You've been to a hundred parties like this. In the past year alone.

You know your way around this. Simply find someone to talk to, smile, make pleasantries. You had considered approaching the NOBLEMEN since you were initially the topic of their conversation, but since the conversation between them has gotten more HEATED your attention turns elsewhere.

Have you read that author before? Perhaps you could have an illuminating discussion with Mister Professor.

You approach the solitary Professor and casually glance at his book. It appears to be a text on ALCHEMY.

"Pardon my intrusion," you enter the conversation smoothly, giving a smile inviting but not overbearing, "Is that a text on alchemy you're reading?"

The Professor turns to you and can't help but smile back.

"Why, yes it is Mr. Vergis. Do you have an interest in the Alchemical arts?"

"Indeed I do! Though I'm mostly uneducated in the matter. Is the field really as promising as some scholars have claimed?"

"Oh that and more! Why, at it's current rate of study we will soon know how to convert LEAD into GOLD!"

"What a feat that would be!" You chuckle, impressed but keeping your skepticism to your self. "And what is your name professor?"

"Well most of my students call me PROFESSOR, but you can call me PETE."

"A Pleasure to meet you Pete the Professor."

You remove your NOTEBOOK and make a NOTE about PETE.

"Oh? Do you write?" Pete asks "You know I was originally a literacy teacher."

"Is that so? Well I'm afraid my writings may bore you. They are simply NOTES that I like to use to keep track of interesting people I happen to meet, among other things."

Pete the Professor is pleased by the complement.

"I had the journal commissioned," you continue "by the local TANNER. It's really invaluable to me, I never let it leave my person. Even when I go to the little lawyers room."

You both share a good chuckle.

You consider continuing the conversation, but of course there are plenty of other people here at the party.

>_

Say farewell to Pete and go introduce yourself to the LOVESTRUCK KNIGHT.

Indeed, the KNIGHT should prove ELUCIDATING.

I say you approach the LORD'S BROTHER and trade a few BON MOTS about how BOOZE makes lovers BOLDER.

Say farewell to Pete and go introduce yourself to the LOVESTRUCK KNIGHT.

Indeed, the KNIGHT should prove ELUCIDATING.

"Well," you stand up, "I would love to continue this discussion later, perhaps we can talk more at the ACADEMY?"

Pete seems pleased at the prospect.

"Of course! I'm currently doing a bit of alchemic research myself. It would be a pleasure to have a fellow intellectual's thoughts on the matter."

You comment that the sciences have never been a personal strength, but you would find such an expedition enlightening.

You approach the KNIGHT. He glares at you while you approach. You give a pleasant smile but to no avail. His glare remains.

You overhear OTTO the LORD'S BROTHER touting the benefits of his ADHESIVE. Apparently he's trying to make a sale even at this party. He is well known for being notorious but effective at PITCHING his PITCHES.

"...never worry about dropping a lance again! With my EPOXY you'll only lose a joust if you lose your arm! Oh and don't even think about falling off that horse..."

Otto is a very difficult man to interrupt. It would take an expert at conversation and social wiles to infiltrate the barrage of conversation Otto uses to assail his potential clients.

Luckily you're Clarion Vergis.

I say you approach the LORD'S BROTHER and trade a few BON MOTS about how BOOZE makes lovers BOLDER.

"Though I've never seen a glue that possessed the attractive force of a beautiful lady."

Otto is taken aback by the interruption but you casually whisper to him and gesture to the lady across the room.

"Your client appears more interested in adhering to one of the guests. Perhaps a drink is all the investment you need."

Otto pauses and grins.

"Of course! of course! You know I've talked a great deal already I'm certain you are convinced but this is a party! Here have a drink, revel for a bit, we can talk business later. That young woman has had her eyes on you for some time now!"

Of course "that young woman" has actually been making eyes at you all night, but you are happily taken. You just hope she isn't taken with you so much as to aggravate the newly freed knight.

Otto gives the knight a hefty drink and pat on the back. The knight glares at you some more but takes a swig of BEER and heads over to the group of LADIES.

Otto turns to you.

"So Mr. Vergis! You did a spectacular job in that courtroom today, truly spectacular. Justice was done indeed. I can sleep safer knowing that one more murderer has been properly killed."

"It is my duty."

"Of course! but I didn't see you at the execution! You know I designed THE DEVICE myself."

"The device? I thought the defendant was hung?"

"Oh well eventually, yes - there are still a few kinks to work out in THE DEVICE - but it mangled him right and proper!"

"I see." You take a small sip of your drink.

You feel as if you are now open to slightly less-appropriate thoughts, given you being a HUGE LIGHTWEIGHT. You are as charming as ever though.

"HEY VERGASS"

Oh this is concerning. The KNIGHT has returned. Apparently his attempts with the LADIES did not go well. You attempt to calm him, but he takes another SWIG, followed by a SWING at your "pamby-ass-face".

>_

Dodge nimbly. Respond with a swift jab to the torso, followed by a hook to the jaw, and possibly topped off with a leg sweep.

Dodging the punch is a good first move. Tossing your drink in his eyes would probably slow him down a bit.

As you fight him, maybe you could get him to blunder and trip into a punchbowl of some sort. Then, when everybody's chuckling at him, you could say:

"Good night, KNIGHT."

Throw a flagon at him!

Dodge nimbly. Respond with a swift jab to the torso, followed by a hook to the jaw, and possibly topped off with a leg sweep.

Dodging the punch is a good first move. Tossing your drink in his eyes would probably slow him down a bit.

You dodge the drunken blow. FISTICUFFS has never been your strongpoint; you've always preferred SWORDPLAY. You left your ESTOC at your house however, so you'll have to make do.

The KNIGHT stumbles forward and you TOSS your VODKA into his EYES. It's a terrible waste of quality alcohol but lets face it that stuff was just going to get you into trouble anyway.

The VODKA burns the KNIGHT'S EYES something fierce and you follow up with a punch of your own.

As you fight him, maybe you could get him to blunder and trip into a punchbowl of some sort. Then, when everybody's chuckling at him, you could say:

"Good night, KNIGHT."

Oh you crazy stray thought, thinking like you can influence what objects are present at this party (how silly!) Besides, punchbowls aren't even an thing yet! All this party has is this large open-faced wooden bowl filled with a fruity mixture of mead and berries!

You trip up the inebriated knight and he falls face first into the MEAD-AND-BERRIES BOWL.

Many ladies giggle.

"Good night, KNIGHT." You comment and take a victory swig offered by Otto.

Oh hey that was more than you thought. You are probably more susceptible to potential bad or unbecoming decisions.

Throw a flagon at him!

Like that one. You toss your recently acquired FLAGON down at the already humiliated KNIGHT. More ladies giggle.

"I wish I could say it was KNIGHT to meet you."

Ladies giggle. You are having a good time.

The KNIGHT picks himself up and, humiliated, hurries out the door into the COUNTRYSIDE.

It's pretty late, but it looks like the party is just starting. You could stay and CELEBRATE, or you could GO HOME to your WIFE. You're really open to either option.

>_

SpoilerShow

TERRIBLE PUNS? In MY textventure? NEVER!

You should probably go home. Leave on a high note, lest you be tempted to drink more and embarrass yourself.

You should probably go home. Leave on a high note, lest you be tempted to drink more and embarrass yourself.

This fellow speaks truth!

You should probably go home. Leave on a high note, lest you be tempted to drink more and embarrass yourself.

Graciously, you thank the group, and ask Otto to send your regards to the LORD. They ask that you stay but ultimately you persuade them that its best for you to turn in early.

The night is crisp and pleasant. The light from the stars and quarter-moon allows you to see just enough of the countryside. There is a well-worn path before you. It's one of several that connect the CASTLE and surrounding VILLAGE to the FARMLAND and more rural areas, such as the COTTAGE.

NORTHWARDS you see the outline of the CASTLE, where the KING resides. You believe it was initially built as a simple defensive fortification, but at some point the KING and his MILITIA took up residence there and eventually PEASANTS and TRADESMEN took up shop around it for the defense it provides, forming the VILLAGE that surrounds it. You don't know if the KING sees the VILLAGE as loyal subjects he must protect, or as a MOAT of UNIMPORTANT PEONS that serves as a first line of deterrence from an invading force.

You actually do not know. The KING is sort of an enigma. Even when he makes a public appearance he never speaks, only WATCHES.

Between the VILLAGE and the CASTLE PROPER you can make out the silhouette of the OUTER WALLS, which house the more important buildings and citizens. The only two you can make out at this distance are the spires from the top of THE LORD'S CATHEDRAL, and the LORD'S MANSION. You really think he does it on purpose.

You glance the other way down the path towards THE LORD'S COUNTRY CHAPEL. The FRIAR is probably asleep at this hour, though he has been known to make some LATE NIGHT TRIPS to the VILLAGE. You assume he is just...oh no.

You really hope what you think is the case is not the case. You run off of the cottage's front steps and head towards the side facing the CHAPEL, where the HORSES are tied.

Or where your horse should be tied.

It was probably the work of the HUMILIATED KNIGHT, seeing how his horse is missing as well. You will probably have to make a CASE out of this.

For the time being, however, you are out of an EASY WAY HOME. Your own cottage is about 10 miles away, on the WEST side of the VILLAGE. You suppose you have a few options.

You could just WALK STRAIGHT HOME. 10 miles isn't really that far and you should get there in a few hours. You're feeling fairly refreshed right now and while you'll probably be tired when you get home, you're sure your LOVING WIFE has stayed up waiting for you, and will be VERY HAPPY to see you.

Though walking alone for a few hours at night risks running into VAGRANTS and you aren't very well armed.

You could also GO BACK TO THE PARTY and ASK TO BORROW A HORSE. You're certain someone would help but it runs the risk of MORE DRINKING, which may keep you EVEN LATER.

You could also attempt to WAKE THE FRIAR and see if he could offer any assistance (though he doesn't have a horse and may not even be in the CHAPEL).

Or you could take the LONG WAY back through the VILLAGE, it's may be slightly SAFER but it would take you longer to GO TO YOUR WIFE.

Or you could try something else, you've been known for having creative ideas.

>_

I suggest you wake the friar. He's usually an amiable fellow, and some more pleasant company (sans alcohol, of course) would be quite nice.

Hm. Maybe going back to the party? But eh, vodka is so tacky!

wake the friar. He's usually an amiable fellow, and some more pleasant company (sans alcohol, of course) would be quite nice.

You go up to the CHAPEL DOOR and ENTER. It's a very simple building. There's a wooden cross on the wall as well as very small stained glass window. A few pews, a pulpit and a confessional in the back corner.

The FRIAR, if he is here, would be sleeping in his personal chambers in the back. You approach the wooden door and LISTEN.

It doesn't sound like anyone is in there. There's no light on in the room. You fiddle with the DOOR, but it is LOCKED. He is apparently NOT HERE.

Hm. Maybe going back to the party? But eh, vodka is so tacky!

You turn to head back to the party, when something catches your eye. Something small glints at you, barely visible from under the DOOR. You bend down to pick it up and discover a RIB BONE.

You step into the main room, and study the BONE under the softly colored moonlight coming through the stained glass.

You think you may have found the remains of the FRIAR'S dinner, but the RIB BONE is NARROWER than a pigs or bulls, and it looks like it has been POLISHED.

This concerns you, especially when you think back on THE TRIAL.

And you still need to GET HOME.

>_

>You'd better find an authority figure and inform them, quietly so as not to cause a panic. Perhaps someone with the relevant expertise is at the party? Use your missing horse as an excuse to talk to them without publicly revealing the possible-murder just yet.