This Guy's Problem (TWS)

"Welp. I'm boned.

Any ideas?"

>_

SpoilerShow

Medieval Crime

>More details please. Why are you boned? Who boned you?

>Go ask the King for help?

>More details please. Why are you boned? Who boned you?

"Oh like you don't know, Mr. Fuzzy Hat. And I'm not boned presently, more so imminently boned. Though I may be de-boned. I guess it depends what they want to do."

>Go ask the King for help?

"Of course, Lady Worpinshire! ASK THE KING! A marvelous idea! Give me a second."

"HEY KING MIND HELPING ME OUT HERE?"

The King is not amused.

>_

>Well, then amuse the King! That's sure to help.

>Well, then amuse the King! That's sure to help.

"Lady, Why do you think I have all these FINGER PUPPETS!? (besides for the surprisingly sound advice they give). Nah this King is un-amusable. He shant be mused. Besides its the LORD I have to worry about. The King just likes to watch."

>_

>Here, juggle my fuzzy hat with your finger puppets, that will buy you a few seconds, most likely.

>Here, juggle my fuzzy hat with your finger puppets, that will buy you a few seconds, most likely.

"Good idea Mr. Fuzzy Hat! Here Lady Worpinshire, you can join in. Oh and you too Captain Dunglebee."

You juggle the three puppets like there is no tomorrow. Winking and eyeing the ROYALTY in an effort to appease them. You hum a little ditty during the whole process.

It buys you a few seconds. Well, either that or wears down the remaining seconds of the LORD's patience.

"Solicitor!" The Lord shouts, "Is this your closing statement?"

The Lord is not amused.

>_

>Maybe you should make your closing statement? Just what information do you have at hand?

> Furthermore, it would nice to know what that guy's been charged with. Because you really can't make it any more of a farce than it already is if you're not allowed to defend your client properly.

> OBJECTION! Our client is clearly insane and therefore cannot possibly be held culpable for his actions.

The evidence, man! What happened to all your evidence!?

"Uh, no! Because I'm not the Solicitor at all, I'm his mad hobo brother who ran in from the street! I beat him half to death and chucked him into a cave, so he should be back two days from now!"

>Maybe you should make your closing statement? Just what information do you have at hand?

You ask the questions from the corner of your mouth in a high falsetto voice while nodding at the airborne Worpinshire.

"That's an astute question Lady Worpinshire!" You respond in normal tones, doing your best to make it seem as if this is part of an elaborate closing argument, and not just frantically trying to figure out a way to make it out of here - bones and all.

> Furthermore, it would nice to know what that guy's been charged with. Because you really can't make it any more of a farce than it already is if you're not allowed to defend your client properly.

You mimic the soothing baritone that you assume Mr. Fuzzy Hat naturally possesses (were he a real person and not a bead-eyed piece of fabric)

"Indeed! Mr. Fuzzy Hat. What is this humble man charged with? Is it theft or treason or any of the other multitude of crimes peasants are known for having swimming about in their bloodlines? Why it is not!"

> OBJECTION! Our client is clearly insane and therefore cannot possibly be held culpable for his actions.

"Yes Captain, he IS insane! And does this crime look like the work of a peasant? An INSANE peasant? Why, the sheer detail by which such a heinous act must have been committed requires a far superior intellect than that possessed by this thieving doofus."

You gesture towards your client. You never bothered learning his name. You call him "scraggly Andy" in your mind though. He is busy trimming his toenails with his teeth.

The evidence, man! What happened to all your evidence!?

You talk in your poor spanish accent, which, admittedly falls far short of the real, eloquent, spanish accent Senor Sasparilla would have were he or had he been a real person and not just a puppet you keep under your hat.

"Ah! Senor, but the evidence is right here! This man, could he be called a man, is completely incapable of the atrocity he is accused of! He does not even know how to read, much less the finer aspects of surgery! And while we do all love to see a good peasant-murder, there..."

"Uh, no! Because I'm not the Solicitor at all, I'm his mad hobo brother who ran in from the street! I beat him half to death and chucked him into a cave, so he should be back two days from now!"

You kick your bag of puppets.

"Shut Up. Hobo Jones, you are NOT HELPING."

"As I was saying there is no reason to assume this man preformed this crime!"

The Lord's eyes glare at you, unconvinced.

"For...for you see the...(come on guys help me out here)...the real cause of this crime was..."

You "pause" for dramatic effect and not at all because you have no idea what to say next.

>_

>REVENGE!

> Hobo Jones did it. Calling it now.

>REVENGE!

"REVENGE! Revenge by..."

> Hobo Jones did it. Calling it now.

"Hobo...no wait he never does anything. I don't think I've ever even let him out of that bag...I mean...

REVENGE! Revenge by..."

(dramaticeffectpause)

>_

Keeping the REAL dirty business quiet: embezzling! By a clerk in the Lord's own offices, no less! Of course, they couldn't risk the Lord finding out. My client was framed! Framed for a convenient act of murder, in the name of revenge!

THE LORD HIMSELF!

Immediately regret this after saying it.

GOD!

>A corrupt guardsman!

Keeping the REAL dirty business quiet: embezzling! By a clerk in the Lord's own offices, no less! Of course, they couldn't risk the Lord finding out. My client was framed! Framed for a convenient act of murder, in the name of revenge!

THE LORD HIMSELF!

Immediately regret this after saying it.

GOD!

>A corrupt guardsman!

You hear the puppets shout at you in your head but you don't do the voices because there is A LOT OF PRESSURE HERE.

You have even stopped juggling as you do your best to combine all the ideas into a single cohesive MEGA-THOUGHT.

"REVENGE by GOD! Who frowned upon the embezzlement going on in the LORD'S court! His corrupt guardsmen could not risk the Lord finding out! So they FRAMED this hapless idiot for this horrendous murder! But who is ultimately responsible for this atrocity? Why none other than THE LORD HIMSELF, for allowing such unethical business practices to occur under his rule!"

There is a silence in the courtroom for a moment. A few members of the ROYALTY murmur amongst themselves. Then the Lord speaks:

"Solicitor, Are you seriously suggesting that this unspeakable act is a result of divine judgement on MY court?"

"Uhh...."

>_

Steek to your guns, hombre. Ees the on'y way out of thees. "Jes, I am afraid so, joor honor."

>Shout "You'll find a thorough explanation right over there!" and point behind the Lord, then run away while they're distracted.

Quickly explain that when you say THE LORD you mean THE LORD YOUR GOD, and as such God is giving us all a test.