Zoostuck 2

best.

Ah, of course. You're going to best the Devil at something. Because you always get a kick out of showing that guy up.

It's not like you have anything better to do, like preventing the universe from being destroyed or rewritten. After all, there's almost no way something like that could happen.

You are now Jim Eggboard or whatever your name was. The one from this timeline, not the future one who came here from the past. And you've stumbled onto a problem - potentially a larger one than this war between time and the universe you're attempting to keep under control.

You've already detected the universe degrading as someone rewrites it. But your master plan hasn't gone into action yet! This can only mean one of two things. Either your plan has inexplicably failed and an even more intelligent future version of you has traveled to this time period and is manipulating events behind the scenes to ensure you succeed this time, which is clearly impossible because your plan is flawless and could never have failed in the first place; or someone else is trying to rewrite the universe before you can.

Naturally, this calls for swift and decisive action. You would sooner see the universe destroyed entirely than converted to an undeoubtedly inferior artistic vision. You must act swiftly to prevent this from ruining your plans.

What ingenious method will you use to do that?

best.

The one most associated with malpractice, crime-syndicates and impracticality.

Place a block!

Place a block!

Of course! It's all so clear now. With one single block, everything will fall into place and you will have the high score.

But as important a use of your intellect as this Tetris game is, it will take far too long to affect the events that you are trying to manipulate. You'll need to work faster. You will need an even better plan.

best.

No, wait, why would you settle for merely "better"? A superior intellect such as your own can only be satisfied with the best of plans. And that plan is, honestly, quite simple to devise.

The one most associated with malpractice, crime-syndicates and impracticality.

All you need to do is create a criminal organization consisting of incredibly impractical doctors who have little concern for the well-being of their patients, and the rest will practically take care of itself.

You are now an incredibly impractical doctor with little concern for the well-being of your patients. You have just received an anonymous message which you think may be an invitation to join a criminal organization, because it says "I am starting up a criminal organization. Join now."

You're interested, but you need to think of an extremely impractical way to accept the invitation before you can do that. So what will it be?

best.

beast

best.

beast

Of course! A Best Beast is an extremely vicious animal, one notoriously difficult to tame. Arriving at the appointed place riding one would be extremely impractical. You head off to go looking for one at once.

You are now a Best Beast. Two idiot humanss nearby are fighting. One of them keeps breathing fire and one of them keeps thrusting even while he's fighting the other guy.

Neither of them seems to be paying any attention to you. You could viciously tear them apart, but you're worried you might catch whatever strange diseases they've got.

So what are you going to do?

best.

Chase the disease into the nearby city.

wash your hands. In acid.

best.

Well, of course you're going to best. That's why they call you a Best Beast, you best all day, every day, even when you're asleep. You best with every breath you take.

But besting alone won't solve all your problems, you've got to do other things while you best.

Chase the disease into the nearby city.

Ah, yes. Perfect, their idiocy and whatever else they've got going on can infest the human population instead. You let out a loud bellow and they promptly run, though they continue their pointless combat all the while. Before long, they're in that hideous haven of humans, and no longer your concern.

That said, you feel a little ill for having even interacted with those vermin.

wash your hands. In acid.

Which is why you head to the nearby acid pool to wash off your foreclaws. You want to be sure you remove every trace of potential infection.

However, as you're distracted with cleaning up, some crazy human captures you. Wonderful.

You are now the lead programmer for Oregon Trail, and you are very confused. The main reason for this is that the demo version of the game which you are about to show for this gathering of the rich and famous has inexplicably been replaced with another game entirely, one that you've never heard of.

Your first thought is that a competitor, seeking to embarrass you, has replaced your prototype with an inferior game which everyone at the reception will hate. But your second thought is that something is attempting to alter the universe itself and they've replaced your game as a step in their impossibly complex plan to do so.

So what are you going to do about this mysterious game?

best.

PLAY IT

> send it to development. they'll know what to do with it

> Developers: Also be developing nuclear warheads

> send it to development. they'll know what to do with it

You ARE development! And you don't know what to do with it, that's the whole point. Gosh, next you'll get mixed up and think you're working on nuclear warheads instead of video games.

But no, you need to keep your head on straight and that means figuring out what to do with this game. Namely:

best.

Make the best of a bad situation. If this is an actual good game, you can present it instead and impress the guests - what do the rich and famous know about video games anyways - and then worry about the results later.

Of course, there's this small problem that you don't know what the game is like. If it's horrible in such an obvious way that even these ignorant guests realize it, well, that won't do at all.

PLAY IT

So you're going to do a quick playtest. You boot up the game and...

Why does it feel like everything is shaking?

"PREPARING TO REWRITE UNIVERSE. PLEASE INPUT CONDITIONS OF NEW UNIVERSE IN PRIMARY INPUT TERMINAL."

Who said that? What said that? What's going on?

You are now the no-talent hack. You just heard a booming voice announce that the universe is ready to be rewritten. You are one of only a handful of beings who know that this particular computer is the primary input terminal, the key to the new universe.

And all you have to do is finish the story of Kurtis Blow and everything will fall into place. The universe will reshape itself to your will, as written down in the story. You've been working fast and you're already most of the way through the final chapter.

All you need to do is put together an ending and it will all be over.

There's just one problem: you've come down with writer's block. You can't think of how to end your half-baked masterpiece properly.

So what's the ending going to be?

> poke holes in the block until it's a Writer's Block of Swiss Cheese. Sprinkle it all over your magnum opus. The readers will be pleased you poured such a simulating experience into it. Almost as if the readers are having Reader's Block on the way!

best.

> poke holes in the block until it's a Writer's Block of Swiss Cheese. Sprinkle it all over your magnum opus. The readers will be pleased you poured such a simulating experience into it. Almost as if the readers are having Reader's Block on the way!

Suddenly, inspiration strikes! You'll take this metaphorical writer's block and convert it into story! Somehow! You're not sure what that actually entails, but you're pretty desperate so you'll go for it.

Unfortunately, your pitiful lack of talent just can't handle that level of metaphor. Your efforts only result in shoving grated Swiss cheese all over your keyboard and making it harder to use.

"PLEASE CONFIRM: NEW UNIVERSE WILL BE MADE ENTIRELY OUT OF SWISS CHEESE."

You're pretty sure that isn't what you want. You'd better finish this up fast.

best.

Suddenly, better inspiration strikes: basketball! The comic ends with one massive basketball game to determine the fate of everything! You start writing it up and...

"CONFIRMING. PLEASE STAND BY WHILE UNIVERSE REBOOTS."

Wait, what? You weren't done yet! Damn it, looks like the Swiss cheese got jammed in the Enter key.

The universe reboots...

You are now Zoosmell Pooplord. You are in a basketball game that will determine the shape of the new universe, because some no-talent hack screwed everything up. Also, the entire basketball court is made out of Swiss cheese, as is the ball. Fortunately, you don't seem to be.

Regardless, this is a four-way game between you, your mother, some no-talent hack, and another version of you who wants to reboot the universe so he exists instead of you or something and also something about a masterpiece of a webcomic. Apparently your mother is trying to destroy the universe. As for you, you just want the universe to go back to normal except maybe without the capacity for any crazy universe-rewriting shenanigans.

Anyways, the game hasn't actually started yet. You just won the four-dimensional coin toss, which means you get to pick your teammates first. So who are you going to summon from the old reality to help you out?

best.

Yourself.

you've been bested

best.

In a moment of inspiration, you have the idea for the perfect teammate: The Loather of Irk. You kind of remember that she had a plan for taking over the world or something, but since that clearly won't work if one of these other people rewrites the universe, she's sure to go with you!

She pops into existence. You start explaining what's going on and she rolls her eyes. She does seem to be up for not having the universe destroyed or rewritten by a no-talent hack or that other kid, though, so she decides to stick with your team.

Now you just need to pick someone else so your team can beat these guys!

Yourself.

Oh, hey, wasn't there some other version of yourself you brought into existence? He'd probably be good at this, yeah, you're going to pick him and...

Wait a minute, this is Jake Eggface or whatever his name is! Dang it, you picked the wrong alternate version of yourself! Jake Eggface laughs and says that you'll never even make it to the playing field, because unlike that past version of himself over there, he isn't bound by the rules of this space and he can attack you.

You aren't sure what that means but ow hey stop hitting yourself!

you've been bested

Unfortunately, it seems Jay Eggbrain is a much better fighter than the scrawny kid you are. He quickly gets the upper hand.

You are now the Loather of Irk. Some dumb kid is getting beaten up by an even dumber version of that kid. The fate of the universe could be determined by the outcome of this stupid fight.

So what are you going to do?

best.

Toss them both into the snake pit. Fate usually has cooler battles.