Zoostuck 2

> commit birder. As in, kill the bird detective that's been spooking witnesses

Disguise yourself as a doctor.

commit murder

What? No way! You got into this whole mess because you were framed for a murder, you don't even want to think about how impossibly complex things might get if you actually murdered someone. You can't even think of anyone you'd want to murder even if you were going to risk that kind of thing.

Disguise yourself as a doctor.

Now this is a much more sensible idea. You can gather clues around the hospital and use them to deduce... well, something, you aren't actually sure what just yet. But you'll figure it out with your amazing powers of deduction. First, though, you've got to get your disguise ready. You put on a labcoat and one of those funny things that doctors always wear in fiction, and perfect! Nobody's going to suspect you're a horse detective with rocket thrusters in place of your rear legs and not a doctor.

In fact, your disguise works so well that you're immediately dragged into an operating room. Uh-oh, this could be a problem.

You are now the patient who is about to be operated on. You have a tragic history involving a restaurant in the sky and a mystical hat and a mythical creature called a "cat". Somehow you've ended up on Earth and in this hospital and in the near future you will be flung into the distant path and your name will be changed to Will Smith by the time-and-space-spanning game known only as "Oregon Trail".

In the meantime, though, you're about to be operated on and the doctor is a horse. What are you going to do?

Confuse everyone

Confuse everyone

Good idea! And you have the perfect way to do it. You start reciting the nonsense you remember of your life story, in which your restaurant was attacked by pumpkinmen and you had to flee with your cat, losing your hat in the process. Everyone is baffled, and in the confusion you slip out into the Freaks of Nature ward.

Suddenly you stumble on the hat that you lost, some idiot with a fire-breathing cat stuffed down his throat is wearing it. You're sure he can't possibly be anyone of consequence.

You are now the hat. And you are worried.

Your Mysterious Hat Knowledge is telling you that there have been alterations to the timeline, alterations which may change how crucial events will play out. Unfortunately, being only a hat, you can't really do much to prevent those changes.

You can, however, predict what those changes may be and perhaps this will be useful in some way. What is the first event at risk of significant alteration?

Your wearer

The second event at risk of significant alteration

Your wearer

Hmm, that seems like it should be the case. But seeing as you're already being worn by who you're supposed to be at this moment, even if it's not who you intend to be worn by in the end, the risk of that seems rather low. You may need to dig a little deeper into your mysterious hat knowledge to work this out.

The second event at risk of significant alteration

And then the true nature of the threat is staring at you.

The event that could be changed is itself subject to change. This has gone meta and it's getting very complex.

As far as you can tell, your wearer should be at risk of major change, and yet nothing has happened to threaten that part of the timeline. This means that the threat to the timeline itself is being altered by the threat to the timeline.

Something so confusing can only be caused by a powerful singularity of complexity, one that has somehow managed to avoid being bound to the Singularity Parliament. If such an entity is involved, even your Mysterious Hat Knowledge may not be enough. Not that it usually is anyways.

Of course, one of the things your Mysterious Hat Knowledge can do is inform you of the individual or individuals who could potentially thwart this threat. Not that you could warn them or communicate with them in any way, but it would at least satisfy your curiosity.

So who is it?

Everyone

Everyone

Of course. It's all so obvious. Only a concerted effort by everyone in the universe can alter the singularity's plans at this stage.

Considering this includes a number of beings who are actively working towards the singularity's goals, yeah, the odds aren't looking good.

Well, now you're just depressed. You're so depressed you've almost given up on even bothering to get back to your owner and stopping him from learning the truth behind his stupid name.

Wait a minute.

That's it! That's the key to everything! This all started with the name and the name can undo it all!

If only you had the means to pass this revelation on to someone else. But you do not, for you are only a hat.

You are now someone who has no significance to the story of Zoostuck whatsoever. What are you doing?

Becoming significant

become significantly taller

You're mom

You're mom

Your doong it rong.

Becoming significant

Ah, of course. You weren't in the plot but dammit, you're going to be in it now, or your name isn't... Wait, what is your name?

You're mom

Oh, that's right. You're Zoosmell Pooplord's mother, and you're annoyed.

Mainly you're annoyed because your ex-husband gave your kid a stupid name because he lost a really dumb bet. You didn't want to go through life as Mrs. Pooplord, hence the divorce.

You've spent the intervening years attempting to ignore everything relating to your husband and your son. But that's become very difficult because you've realized that there's an elaborate plot transcending time and space which involves your son and his stupid name.

You weren't going to get involved in this mess. Because every part of it was stupid and you figured it would sort itself out eventually.

And it did. Except, it didn't.

Well, technically it hasn't sorted itself out yet. But as far as you can tell, it's supposed to sort itself out and now it's not going to.

This is a problem, because if it isn't sorted out, the universe will get rewritten and you won't be in the new one. Instead, your son will be some kind of clone from the future or something, and he's going to arrive in the present in a meteor that lands on your former mother-in-law.

Also, you have an intense knowledge of the new universe, which seems to be a side effect of your non-presence in it. This really annoys you, and it annoys you even more now because you've had an immense headache for the past few months as the status of the new universe jumped around dramatically.

So you're taking matters into your own hands. That's why you're on this planet-ship populated by four-armed three-legged lizardpeople, or was that three-armed and four-legged? Either way, you've come here because it's important to the ludicrously complex scheme to rewrite the universe.

So what exactly are you trying to do here?

clap your hands everybody, have you got what it takes

clap your hands

in agony

Your mom

You've come to destroy the universe.

You've come to destroy the universe.

That's right. Granted, that's part of this incredibly complex plan already, but where your plan differs from theirs is that you have no intention of replacing the universe with a new one. This universe is incredibly stupid already and the "revision" these nefarious forces have in mind would only make it even stupider, so you figure it's best to just blow the whole thing up.

The only problem is that it turns out to be very difficult to destroy the universe. You've got a plan, but you aren't sure that it's actually going to work.

clap your hands everybody, have you got what it takes

Namely, you're going to get everybody to clap their hands at once, which should destroy the entire universe. You did the math and it looks like that should work, and won't require incredibly elaborate subplots that go all over the place, but it's still not going to be easy. Plus there's the chance you made a calculation error, but you don't even want to think about that.

Regardless, you figure that this is a good place to start the universal clap, and you're the one who's going to set it in motion. You promptly march through the corridors of the planet-ship clapping, hoping to get the residents to join in.

Unfortunately, you've forgotten the part where these lizard people are horrible xenophobes. You're thrown in jail for not being a lizardperson and you don't even get one other being to clap with you. Destroying the universe isn't going to be easy, it seems.

You are now some webcomic artist. You have not yet awakened to your true potential because you haven't read that blog post from a hipster in Portland.

You therefore have no idea about the incredibly intricate plot you are at the center of which has already been set in motion, or how the fate of the universe is tied into it.

Instead, you're working on a webcomic. What are you going to call it?

i'm kurtis blow and i want you to know

Call it No.

i'm kurtis blow and i want you to know

Now that's almost a perfect title. "I'm Kurtis Blow and I Want You to Know." It evokes a sense of mystery, or something. But it's not quite right, there's a certain je ne sais quos lacking. What could that be?

Call it No.

That's it! Your new webcomic will be called "I'm Kurtis Blow and I Want You to No." It will revolutionize the artform itself... no, that's silly, you'd never think something so pretentious. But it'll be a really cool webcomic and maybe a few people will even read it.

You get to work on it at once.

You are now Kurtis Blow. What the hell do you have to do with any of this?

now i'm the guy named kurtis blow, and christmas is one thing i know. so every year, just about this time, i celebrate... with a rhyme

scheme