Zoostuck 2

shank a bitch

shank a bitch which is also a monkey which is also a bitch

agitate, educate, organize

shank a bitch

Well, that does seem to be what everyone's doing. You don't have a knife, but there's plenty around here so you can probably grab one...

Oh, wait, one spontaneously appeared in your hand. Crazy. Well, time to get shanking. You shank whoever's nearby...

It's the principal. You just shanked the principal. He's screaming and reality's distorting and you think you may have somehow made everything worse.

You feel dizzy. In desperation, you hop in the time machine. You have no idea where or when you'll end up.

You black out, and when you wake up, you don't remember anything.

---

Once upon a time, there was a young man named Zoosmell Pooplord. He went on a quest to discover how he ended up with such a stupid name, and many exciting things happened over the course of this journey.

You, however, know nothing about Zoosmell Pooplord or the exciting adventure involving him. In fact, from your chronological perspective, none of it has actually happened yet. There is no conceivable way it could be relevant to your life at all, so let's focus on who you are and what you're doing right now.

You are a young boy and you have just decided to help your slave friend escape. You also met a spider who spells words out in her web. You also found this weird and highly ominous package. The spider's web spells "DON'T OPEN THAT PACKAGE".

What will you do? And why do you have this strange sense of deja vu?

SOME PIG

Get your slave friend to open the package.

open it from the inside-out

SOME PIG

Yes, your name must be SOME PIG. That makes sense, it's a way better name than Zoosmell Pooplord. Which isn't saying much, admittedly.

Get your slave friend to open the package.

You haven't rescued him yet! Besides, you get the feeling it's a really bad idea to open this package and that somehow it's an even worse idea than it was the first time through this loop...

Wait, what loop? Where did that idea come from? Never mind, you have this package to deal with.

open it from the inside-out

You are not opening it! Not from the outside, not from the inside, not even in another dimension! You can't explain why, but you feel a very strong compulsion to not open it.

Although you are pretty curious about what's in there. Maybe you could get inside somehow to see. But how would you do that?

BRING HELLISH DESTRUCTION UPON IT.

IF YOU CAN'T OPEN IT, NO ONE CAN

X-ray glasses!

BRING HELLISH DESTRUCTION UPON IT.

IF YOU CAN'T OPEN IT, NO ONE CAN

YES! DESTROY IT, CRUSH IT, BREAK IT SMASH IT wow this is one durable package and you're already bored. Okay, back to ignoring it unless you can get a better idea...

X-ray glasses!

Wait, of course! A gimmick to part gullible young kids and their money that doesn't work and claims to involve concepts that science hasn't discovered yet! That's perfect!

But where are you going to get X-Ray glasses - oh, hey, you have a time machine right over there, funny how you never noticed that. It's like it wasn't here before!

Well, you have all of time open to you. So what are you going to do?

close it

Go away

eat the opportunity. yes, time well spent is delicious

close it

Close time? How would you do that? Destroying this totally sweet time machine? No way, that's stupid, you're not doing anything like that. No, you're going to...

eat the opportunity. yes, time well spent is delicious

Wait. What. No, just no. No, no, and no.

You are not eating the timestream, you have a funny feeling that would only make this confusing and needlessly excessive plot that you don't actually know about yet even worse.

Look, this is simple, all you have to do is think of a destination and go to someplace way more exciting than this.

Go away

Yeah, screw it.

You'd had it with your life of excessively convoluted plotlines that don't really go anywhere. This plotline hasn't even technically started yet and you can tell it's going to be so absurd that no one can even keep track of it all, not even the poor sap writing it.

So you're hopping in the time machine and going to the one thing that can prevent this. The one way to stop this nonsense before it starts.

You're heading to Page 2. It's where everything starts coming together.

Where and when is Page 2?

21 pages ago

24 pages ago

on the second page

21 pages ago

No, that's Page 3, Page 2 went missing. You're not going to find it by looking at the pages you can see.

24 pages ago

Of course. Page 2 must have gone back to before this even started. It's not even in this adventure at all!

But where could it be... Wait, that's it. There was an adventure before all this. It must be somewhere in that adventure, which you shouldn't actually know about due to memory loss from time travel that you also shouldn't know about!

Regardless, that's still a whole big adventure to look through. Is there any way you can narrow it down?

on the second page

That's it! Where else would page two be hiding but the second page of the previous exciting and absurd adventure? You set the dials for that, because this time-traveling car obviously has dials that can be set to pages in adventures. Then you hit the button and...

And suddenly your dad runs over the car, which turns out to be made of cardboard. It just gets torn up. You manage to get out, though, and escape injury. Although the cardboard time-traveling car is sent to the hospital, so you've pretty much only got one chance to do whatever it is you're going to do.

What is it you're going to do, anyways?

kill youre self dead

kill youre self dead

What? That's kind of fatal, and you can't see how it would help anything.

Unless... Yes, that's it. You could stop being Zoosmell Pooplord and have a new name, a superior name, a superior existence. You may lack a time machine now, but your new self will be cunning and focused, and able to prepare a masterful scheme in mere days. You could destroy the pitiful incarnation of you who inhabits this time period and take his place, reconstructing the universe to give you a superior existence...

Wait, this all seems vaguely familiar. Uncomfortably familiar.

It's all so clear now. You were never Zoosmell Pooplord. All this time, you were John Egbert, the superior version of him. When you were defeated, in desperation you flung yourself through the timestream for another chance to remake the universe so that it would be suitable for your existence.

But with all you've seen, with all you've done, is that still what you desire? After seeing what maddeningly complex schemes have wrought, what has happened to the timestream?

Of course it is. What a silly notion. Now you have the chance to do this properly. You shall see to it that the universe is properly remade and you acquire your chance at existence.

What shall be the first step in your master plan?

you put your left foot in, you take your left foot out, you put your left foot in, and you shake it all about

do the macarena in a chicken suit

do the macarena in a chicken suit

Yes, of course, it's all so clear now. You just need to acquire a chicken suit, and then... how do you do the Macarena again?

you put your left foot in, you take your left foot out, you put your left foot in, and you shake it all about

Yes... No! That's the hokey pokey! Your experiences jumping through the timestream must have left you addled and possibly exposed to bad idea rays. This won't aid your plans at all. Really, you had a perfectly good plan, it only failed at the very last moment because of that insufferable Pooplord who stole your existence. Unfortunately, for a variety of complex reasons which are obvious to a mind of your caliber but which you lack the time to explain to a hypothetical audience, you require him to live for another month or so while your plans come to fruition.

Fortunately, most of your plans are already underway. After all, you're simply a future version of the John Egbert currently making preparations. Of course, you could simply use your foreknowledge to aid that version of yourself, but that is less than satisfactory - you are a genius, not some lackey to your past self who is marginally less of a genius than you.

No, you must devise an entirely new plan, one which your past self will not even notice. After all, it is rare that you have the opportunity to outwit yourself and a true genius relishes a challenge.

And it isn't as if anyone else is even aware of your presence here or capable of stopping you.

You are now the horse detective. You, the monkey detective, the spider detective, and the squirrel detective have somehow managed to uncover the secret behind the murders you were framed for. Namely, they were all planned by some guy calling himself Joe Eggburger or something like that. Upon discovering this, you were flung through time so you could locate the mastermind and confront him and finally resolve this plotline.

Unfortunately, the four of you have been separated. You are currently at a hospital where a cardboard car has been brought in for surgery for some reason. A cat is wandering around and nobody seems to know what it is. How are you going to track down Eggboy from here?

commit murder