Zoostuck 2

Poop on it all

Poop on it all

What, no, you're a respected detective. Or future detective. And not all that respected. Well, okay, but you're toilet-trained at least.

No, you've got to look at this from another angle. But what could it be?

put a pencil in your fist

Wait, that's it! A pencil! You can use that to fill out the papers! You grip it ferociously and...

You remember the last time you used a pencil. Even though it hasn't technically happened yet.

You remember that fateful math class, that you already had a flashback to. A flashback that got confusing, but you remember one thing very clearly.

You punched your math teacher in the face.

And that hasn't happened yet. So that's clearly what you've got to do here. Forget this assignment and this job, your true calling has become clear.

You are now the math teacher. You are actually an alien, but you are also someone who has already appeared in the adventure somewhere.

Who are you, again?

You. Duh.

johnny come-lately

No one

You. Duh.

Well, yes, that much is obvious. But your memory of your past existence is a little fuzzy, for reasons you don't understand. You're trying to sort through your thoughts now in hopes of clearing it up.

johnny come-lately

That name sounds vaguely familiar, and yet it doesn't sound like yours. You feel as though it is closely connected to you and at the same time entirely irrelevant to your existence. Why is this so hard? Why are you having so much trouble with such a simple concept as your own identity?

No one

That's it. That's why it's so difficult. You don't have an identity in the first place.

You're just a pair of novelty arms and this is your first time experiencing sentience outside of the inventory in which you were creating a new civilization. It's all so clear now.

But then where are you now? Why are you a math teacher? Is this, perhaps, the civilization you created with your own two hands? Have you been reborn into the body of a math teacher, your consciousness finally awakening after countless centuries and advances?

And why are you so sure that you're an alien?

Your quest for identity has only confused you more. Maybe you should just focus on this invasion you're supposed to be helping out with, something about making these textbooks play music for some reason.

So what song are you going to have them play?

fuck the police

fuck the police

Ah, an excellent choice. This will teach them to disregard human authority and dismantle the local control systems, giving your fellow aliens an advantage in their invasion.

Probably. You aren't actually sure how this is supposed to work. You take out the musicalizeratron or whatever they call it and start trying to figure out the controls. How do you even set the song on this thing?

Before you can make any progress, however, a monkey runs in and punches you.

You are now the principal again and you have just had an unpleasant sensation. You feel as though a plotline is nearing resolution at this very moment. This is clearly unacceptable, and you must act swiftly to put an end to it, by which you mean introduce completely unnecessary complications.

What are you going to do?

fire drill

Call together all of the students and faculty, and give them an incredibly long-winded charismatic speech about the dangers of resolving plot-lines.

Smash the system

Call together all of the students and faculty, and give them an incredibly long-winded charismatic speech about the dangers of resolving plot-lines.

Of course, your natural charisma and leadership should convince them. However, you can't just call an assembly, there's paperwork in doing that too, plus you know some of these kids are going to skip it even though they know how much they would benefit from your words of wisdom. No, you need a way to ensure they're all in one place.

fire drill

Of course! You'll call a fire drill, forcing everyone out of the school. Then you'll use the opportunity to address the ungrateful masses and inform them of the risks they'll face if they try to resolve any plotlines. This should work perfectly.

Except there's paperwork in calling a fire drill. On the other hand, as far as you know there's no paperwork involved in pulling the fire alarm.

Smash the system

But a visionary artist like you cannot be content to merely pull the alarm, no, you must do everything with purpose and style. That's why you give the alarm a good hard whack with a crowbar.

You are now the monkey detective again. You're punching your math teacher, who seems to just be a pair of fake arms. But you just heard a fire alarm go off. What are you going to do about this?

start a fire, make it accurate if it's not already

Teach your teacher a lesson in hard-knocks to the head. If they don't have one of those then don't do it or else it'll just end up with you giving them a weird props/high-five

start a fire, make it accurate if it's not already

You could, but you don't know how to start a fire with your fists. And you always solve problems with your fists. Oh, and your feet too, you remember that you started doing that.

But really, it's more of that you're not sure if you should get out of here or keep punching these arms.

Teach your teacher a lesson in hard-knocks to the head. If they don't have one of those then don't do it or else it'll just end up with you giving them a weird props/high-five

That sounds way too complicated, so you just keep punching.

Suddenly, it occurs to you that you can just carry the arms outside and punch them there, so you start doing that.

You are now the Loather of Irk. There seems to be a large crowd gathering outside the school across the street from your ☆ C.H.W.O.K.A ☆ office.

You're pretty sure that's bad for one of your plans. Which plan was that again?

the plans to teargas a large group of protestors. wait, no — this is perfect

The plan to set that school on fire.

The plan to set that school on fire.

Oh, right. You could still technically set the school on fire, but what's the point if there's no one in it to burn? Mere property damage on its own isn't satisfying enough, you need human suffering in the mix.

Now you have to find some way to get them back inside, unless...

the plans to teargas a large group of protestors. wait, no — this is perfect

That's it! You can still make them suffer! You've got all this tear gas ready for just such an occasion.

But there's just one problem. They don't seem to be protesting anything, they're just standing around while their principal is babbling about something. That won't do at all.

There's only one solution: you'll have to get them to start protesting. But what are they even going to protest?

yell out the window that school drools, riotin's cool

yell out the window that school drools, riotin's cool

Excellent. You open the window and shout out "SCHOOL'S COOL, RIOTING DROOLS!"

Wait a minute, you think you got that wrong.

Also the school's across the street, they probably couldn't hear you.

Also that doesn't actually give them something to protest. You don't care what they're protesting, but it's got to be something.

Oh well. You can still set the school on fire, at least.

You are now God. And you're so freaking confused.

You're supposed to be watching over the universe, not in high school with an assignment to resolve your plotline, whatever that is. But no, you're stuck here, listening to some jerk with a you-complex explain that resolving plotlines is a terrible mistake and no one should do it ever.

This is so frustrating that you're determined to resolve your plotline just to show this jerk. Too bad you don't know what it is.

The only plotline you can remember is something about finding out who killed your second cousin, but he's not dead. He's standing right over there, looking really bored. Unless he's going to die of boredom, there really doesn't seem to be anything to do here.

So what in your name are you going to do?

Kill your second cousin, and then turn yourself in. Plotline resolved.

Kill him. With boredom.

Kill your second cousin, and then turn yourself in. Plotline resolved.

That would make things really simple, but you can't just go around smiting family members. Well, you could, and you could use your omnipotence to escape from all the consequences afterwards, but you feel like that's not what you're supposed to be doing here. And since you're God, your gut feelings are almost certainly correct.

Isn't there some other approach?

Kill him. With boredom.

Well, you could hasten his personal flow of time so he dies of boredom faster, you wouldn't technically be responsible for that. Then you could just stop this boring principal and you'd be done.

But you feel like that isn't quite it, either. Maybe you're supposed to figure out who killed him in the original timeline that hasn't happened yet. You really don't want to think too hard about that timeline, though.

That said, there's one thing you do know. The culprit should be someone at this high school, since everyone of significance from that timeline you don't want to think about is here. You just have to figure out who it is...

...Hey, wait a minute, why do you smell smoke?

Did someone just set the school on fire?

You are now the school. You are also an evil wizard who found himself in the form of the school after his last death. You are on fire. You're probably going to be destroyed and regenerate in another form after this, which with your luck will probably be someone at this high school.

On the plus side, you have enough time before the fire destroys you to attempt to manipulate the form you end up in. So what's it going to be?

Quench your thirst.

Quench your thirst.

That's not a form! You are feeling pretty thirsty, though, probably because you're on fire.

Thinking about that fact makes you realize that you're still a wizard and have magic, so you use your evil magic to drench yourself in water and put out the flames. It does mean that you're stuck as a school, but regenerations are a pain and you'd rather not deal with them right now.

You are now the monkey detective. You never made it out to the assembly and the school is on fire. Or was; it just got drenched in water and now you're soaking wet.

Your math teacher seems to have somehow escaped in the confusion, which means you weren't able to finish punching them. You've got to track them down and take care of this once and for all.

So where are you going to look?