Business Bird

What's the weird cylinder thing next to your desk? In the corner over there?

If you don't have enough FREE WILL to name yourself, at least name your nifty new hat.

What's the weird cylinder thing next to your desk? In the corner over there?

I think that's a mail tube.

>Quickly Tweet all about these amazing experiences.

What's the weird cylinder thing next to your desk? In the corner over there?

This tube is your office's state of the art VACUUMAIL DEVICE. You push one button to receive any waiting mail, and you push another to send mail to another office. However, since you are a lowly peon, the second button still needs to be authorized for use.

Pick up the spilled pens and put them in your pocket. Y'never know when a few extra pens will come in stabby you mean handy.

You scoop up the fallen pens and add them to your BALLPOINT STASH.

> Empty one of those filing cabinets and push it over. Open each drawer a different amount and play it like a xylophone.

You would really love to start a new life as a filing cabinet xylophinist, but the best you can do with the free will of a stick bug is just sort of topple one of them over. Still nets you another +4 FW POINTS though. Seems like knocking over stuff always just gets 4 points.

If you don't have enough FREE WILL to name yourself, at least name your nifty new hat.

You name your hat JOSH.

>Press that Receive Mail button! Maybe you've got something in the chute.

Josh: go to the bathroom.
No, that's dumb. Hold on.

> Fall over

Replace cup on desk, then knock it over again.

Then chuck that stack of papers out the window.

>Look at all those papers on the desk, just waiting to be knocked over. Oblige them.

Oooh! I know!
> stick empty cup in mail chute.
let's see them organize THIS!

> Fall over

Well, you could just knock yourself over with a feather!

Then chuck that stack of papers out the window.

NO WAY YOU LIVE, PAPER.




Fuck the police.

+10 FW Points

>Press that Receive Mail button! Maybe you've got something in the chute.

Oh, good idea. Never know when you might have an URGENT MESSAGE waiting.




Oh, wow, you actually do. This is the first time someone's sent you a message via VACUUMAIL. Also the first time you've checked the chute.




SOMEONE IN THIS OFFICE HAS BESMIRCHED YOUR GOOD NAME. YOU WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS. OR SIT. YOU WILL NOT ANY POSITION FOR THIS.

Silly bird, you have no name to have besmirched!

Go ask for a raise.

Of course! This is a sign! Your name is SMELLS LIKE A PARK STATUE SHITUE BLAH BLAH FUCK lame tie!

> How dare this mail tube believe it can call you such awful things. You better teach it a lesson.

MAN. Lose the tie. Buck the dress code!

And you strike me as a... Rodney Wingtip.

> How dare this mail tube believe it can call you such awful things. You better teach it a lesson.

Beat the shit out of it.

>Wait, whoever sent you this has free will! You should find them so you can steal Free Will points from them, because that's totally how it works.

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SpoilerHappy now?

Silly bird, you have no name to have besmirched!

Go ask for a raise.

Suddenly you feel a burst of ballsiness, and decide to demand a raise from your boss. You head towards the door to your office, but quickly pause. To exit your office, you need to scan your EMPLOYEE ID in the door's ID READER. Unfortunately you have no god damn idea where you left yours. Also that filing cabinet is slightly blocking it and your string bean wings are gonna have a hard time righting that.

>Peck at the ID reader.

Josh took it! Torture him until he tells you where he put it!

Send Josh through the mail chute! He'll take care of it for you!

Root through filing cabinets for your ID card.