Zoostuck 2

Rhode Island

Phoenix!

Wall☆Mart

Rhode Island

Yes, Phoenix Wall☆Mart Rhode Island, the only place in this boring state where anything ever happens. If there's a missing plotline, it's going to turn up there, because it can't possibly turn up anywhere else.

Honestly, the fact that everyone in the world is aware of the existence of their own plotline has always disturbed you. You've never even looked at yours, which is how you had no warning that your plotline would involve being threatened by a creepy dog that wants you to track down its plotline.

You aren't sure if you'd be more or less comfortable with knowing about it in advance.

But that's kind of beside the point right now. You've got to get over to Phoenix Wall☆Mart Rhode Island on a plotline hunt.

You are now some kid. You and your friends are at Phoenix Wall☆Mart Rhode Island because it's the only place where anything ever happens in this stupid state.

According to your plotline, your little group's going to be scared out of their wits today. But you haven't seen anything remotely scary, or interesting for that matter. This may be the only significant location in the whole state, but it's still pretty dull.

So how are you going to pass the time while you wait to be scared out of your wits?

smile

Learn to juggle.

Or study reflexively eviscerating anyone that scares you

smile

You smile until it hurts. You're making your friends nervous. Your face also feels really uncomfortable.

Maybe you want to give something else a try.

Learn to juggle.

Or study reflexively eviscerating anyone that scares you

You contemplate taking up juggling or violence, skills that might serve you well against the terrifying whatever-it-is you'll be facing today, but you find yourself unable to choose between the two.

Also, you're really lazy and it's a lot easier to just keep smiling, you're actually starting to get a kick out of how nervous you're making passerby.

You're now that guy who's supposed to be scaring kids, or at least who doesn't have any idea what else he should be doing. You think you found the kids, but one of them has this really unnatural smile that's making you incredibly nervous. How are you supposed to be scary when you're freaked out yourself?

But you've got this plotline to fulfill and no idea what else you could possibly do with yourself, so you're going to do it. How are you going to scare this kid with the freaky smile who looks like he's thinking about reflexively eviscerating you and then juggling with your internal organs?

pull out his teeth with your teeth then switch teeth teeth

pull out his teeth with your teeth then switch teeth teeth

Well, that would probably scare the kid - it's definitely creeping you out just thinking about it - but you don't have the dental dexterity to do that sort of thing.

So you have a choice. You could come up with a simpler alternative method of scaring, or you could try to become a master of tooth manipulation in the next half-hour or so.

Well, that seems like a pretty clear-cut choice. You head off to the nearest dentist's office to start practicing.

You are now the dentist in the nearby office. Some weirdo is chewing on all your furniture. You tried calling the police, but you just got a busy signal. So what are you going to do about it?

give him a pacifier

Be the pacifier

give him a pacifier

Well, you do have those to deal with teething infants, might as well. You grab one and shove it in his mouth as he heads towards the reception desk.

That seems to have calmed him down a bit. You'd still like to get the police to take care of him, but at least he's not ruining your office any more.

Be the pacifier

You are now a pacifier. But you are no ordinary pacifier.

Unbeknownst to the dentist who has foolishly placed you in this human's mouth, you have the ability to take control of anyone whose mouth you are currently in. Now you can concoct your nefarious plan, as soon as you come up with one - up to now it's mainly been "get shoved in a human's mouth and take control", which hasn't worked too well because the humans you've had to work with before were mostly infants and it was hard to do much with them.

But now you have control of a fully-grown adult. The world is your oyster - well, except for the fact that this foolish dentist seems set on keeping your new host contained. This is obviously unacceptable.

So what are you going to do about it?

make him say, "alright, put 'em up, this here's a stick-up, see?" in a 1940s gangster voice

make him say, "alright, put 'em up, this here's a stick-up, see?" in a 1940s gangster voice

You decide to take control of your host's speech centers.

"Mmmph mmph mpph mmph, mmph?" he says. The dentist is a bit confused, but doesn't really do anything about it, seeing as his main concern is how not to have anything more to do with this guy.

It seems your new host can't talk very well with you in his mouth. However, were you to be removed from his mouth, you would lose control over him. This could be an impediment to your vaguely-defined plans.

This dilemma seems exceedingly difficult to resolve and you don't feel like thinking of a solution, so you just have your host punch the dentist in the face.

You are now someone. Your name and backstory are irrelevant.

All that matters is that you have been tasked with putting an end to this alternate universe intermission, for it threatens the very foundations of Zoostuck itself. And you are very concerned that the pacifier is in play now. That's one of the conditions for something you're trying very hard to prevent, for reasons which you won't go into for now.

How will you deal with this new crisis?

take the ghost dog to the dentist to get spayed & neutered

take the ghost dog to the dentist to get spayed & neutered

An excellent idea. The confusion resulting from this nonsensical request, not to mention the convergence of the dog with the bearer of its plotline, should be sufficient to arrange a resolution of events and put an end to this dangerous intermission.

However, the ghostly dog is currently accompanied by a terrified police officer. You can handle a dog, no matter how creepy it is, but a police officer in its thrall is another matter. You will need to reflect carefully on how to handle this matter.

You are now the police officer. You're away from the desk where you're supposed to be taking calls and that's probably going to be trouble later. You're not as worried about that as you are about the trouble you're going to face now if you don't help this creepy dog.

It seems to be telling you to do something about a weird guy following you from a distance. What are you going to do?

do the secret handshake

accidentally spray and neuter yourself

do the secret handshake

Secret handshake? Is there a secret handshake for being a policeman now oh damn you never learned the secret handshake does this mean you're not a real officer what will you tell your parents uh-oh the dog is staring at you disapprovingly quick you'd better do something uh but what's the secret handshake okay the dog's glare just got even more disapproving don't worry about the handshake just do something something like...

accidentally spray and neuter yourself

...like pulling out the pepper spray - why do you even have this, this is an alternate universe where police are actually responsible with this kind of stuff - and spraying yourself with it and becoming even more pathetic than you already are, you're totally ineffective oh and that guy just ran off with the dog man you messed up.

You are now that guy who just ran off with the dog. You run to the dentist's office and before long resolution is at hand. The dog receives its plotline, the amnesiac receives his, and the pacifier is safely sealed away once more. The Zoostuck Alternate Universe Intermission has come to a close, just in time.

You are now Something Like A. Phenomenom. You are in the Zoostuck universe and you are suddenly aware that the intermission's ended and now you're the current viewpoint in the main storyline.

This is a really inconvenient time for that to happen, too. It's like someone arranged for the intermission to end before you could finish doing this thing that you're doing...

Uh... what exactly are you doing?

Baking cookies with me, Loather!

choosing your owrds very... very carefully

words

Baking cookies with me, Loather!

That's right, you're baking cookies with the Loather of Irk, who has a nefarious plan to eradicate all evil and then take over the world. You're hoping to prevent this because it's critical to containing the menace of this universe.

So in order to get in the Loather's good graces and sabotage the plan, you're helping her bake cookies. But this was supposed to happen outside of public view, which means someone must have ended the intermission early. Now this delicate task is subject to interference from extrauniversal forces. Nonetheless, you must proceed with it in order to prevent the singularity from succeeding.

So what are you going to do with these cookies?

choosing your owrds very... very carefully

Well, of course you're doing that. It's not like you haven't made chocolate owrd cookies before. It's odd that this universe calls them "chips", but that's only one of many bizarre differences between the Zoostuck universe and your own.

Regardless, you know the importance of using the right owrds, even if the Loather seems confused by it. Does each owrd in this universe not contain a unique flavor sample that will determine the taste of the entire cookie? That would be truly strange.

In any event, the Loather seems to be expecting some sort of response to their confused looks. What will you say?

words

Oh, that does seem a lot simpler than speaking in pictographs. But you'll have to be careful not to use confusing terminology. At present, the Loather does not suspect that you are from another universe, but the use of unfamiliar words could flern you eflugilently.

Your research does suggest that the overwhelming majority of words from your home universe are the same, but you have few ways of knowing which words are exceptional in advance.

So how will you explain your perfectly rational behavior with these owrds in terms that the Loather will curmenguate?

it's like momma always said, proflagnastration, proflagnastration, proflagnastration!

I'm Loather, and I suspect this fellowis from another universe (its cool tho)

it's like momma always said, proflagnastration, proflagnastration, proflagnastration!

Of course! Proflagnastration is the key to your problems. As long as you sound like you know what the words mean, the Loather should just think that you're using words she doesn't know and not suspect a thing. You begin explaining yourself in detail, not worrying about your terminology.

I'm Loather, and I suspect this fellowis from another universe (its cool tho)

You are now the Loather of Irk. You think this stranger who showed up in your house and is helping you bake cookies is from another universe. That's pretty cool.

However, you remember a prophecy or something about a visitor from another universe thwarting your plan. Now, you can't go secretly murdering everyone from another universe who shows up at your door, that would just be intolerant, but you do want to try to get a sense of whether this guy's someone you have to worry about.

So how are you going to do that?

wine them and dine them, take them out on a whirlwind romantic getaway to the olive garden