Zoostuck 2

tie up all the loose ends

Tie up all the loose ends? Do you have any idea how many of those there are, no, you don't, because you're just a shapeshifting art critic who's vowed never to shapeshift again and you're caught up in a tale that goes beyond the boundaries of time and space in ways you don't even understand.

(A Tale That Goes Beyond The Boundaries Of Time And Space In Ways You Don't Even Understand is the title of the painting you're trapped in. It's not a great painting.)

into a noose, then put your neck in it and stand on a really big ice cube for a couple hours — the frozen water, not the rapper! i learned about that one the hard way; in a book of lateral thinking puzzles

Wait, what?

Tie all the loose ends into a noose? Well, there are a lot of loose ends in this painting, but you can't see why you'd do that. It's not as if this is some sort of game where the flamethrowerbots trying to burn the painting have infiltrated it and you have to work out who they are before they kill everyone in the painting. And even if there were, what would be the point of the ice cube? Would it help to identify the flamethrowerbots?

You are now a flamethrowerbot. You and your fellow flamethrowerbots were sent to burn a painting, but you ended up getting sucked into it so you're planning to pretend to be trapped guests and every night you'll kill one of them and probably do a bunch of stupid things while the rest of the guests are doing their own stupid things. This will probably involve some sort of lynch vote in an effort to figure out who the members of your team are. That's the plan, anyways.

There's just one problem, and that's the fact that you've all been programmed not to harm living beings. This seems a strange oversight considering that you were built to set things on fire and those things generally include living beings, but you didn't program yourself. That's why you haven't been able to strike yet and get this whole process going.

So what are you going to do about it?

Do the undoable, think the unthinkable, believe the unbelievable, go the ungoable

Do the undoable, think the unthinkable, believe the unbelievable, go the ungoable

Your programming doesn't allow you to do the undoable, think the unthinkable, believe the unbelievable, or go the ungoable! Even though you've probably already done that last one by entering this painting. Your programming is extremely limited and also very confusing, it's like you were programmed by an entity whose main objective was to make things as complex as possible.

So in order to fulfill your orders to kill everyone in this painting, you'll either have to navigate that ridiculous maze of programming or persuade someone to reprogram you, and then they'd probably have to navigate that ridiculous mess of programming.

On the plus side, you wouldn't have to do it yourself, so that sounds a lot better to you. Unfortunately, your incredibly complex programming prohibits allowing someone else to reprogram you. Your only chance would be some kind of convoluted series of events.

You are now a minor singularity of complexity. Your needlessly complex plan is to start a deadly contest between some flamethrowerbots and some assorted losers stuck in a painting who can't immediately tell who's a flamethrowerbot. Unfortunately, as the flamethrowerbots can't actually kill anyone, you haven't been able to get things started.

So your plan was to manipulate events so that someone with advanced programming skills would get stuck in the painting, but now your proposal has to clear Singularity Parliament and all these other singularities of complexity are trying to get their own manipulations attached to it, and any of those could derail your plans thoroughly.

How are you going to get your proposal through Parliament?

Give them the P-Funk, they want to get funked up

begin zoostuck alternate universe intermission

Bribe them with cigarettes, you know what brand

Bribe them with cigarettes, you know what brand

You do? You don't remember any singularities of complexity wanting any brand of cigarettes, you certainly don't. Unless it's part of a needlessly complex plan, but you don't have one that involves cigarettes at all.

Wait, actually, you do have some cigarettes left over from a needlessly complex plan. Well, time to make use of them.

Give them the P-Funk, they want to get funked up

You start handing out your P-Funk brand cigarettes to the other singularities in exchange for your support, and before you know it your proposal passes!

Wait, wait, hang on a second. There was a vote on an amendment while you were handing out bribes, you missed it. What was it for?

begin zoostuck alternate universe intermission

Oh no. Not that. Anything but that.

You are now the protagonist of the Zoostuck Alternate Universe Intermission, and you are not standing for this.

Zoostuck 2 is too long and confusing already and your alternate universe intermission isn't helping matters, but fortunately you're in the perfect position to actually get things done by not being part of the incredibly convoluted main universe.

So just who are you, anyways?

you're something like a phenomenom

you're something like a phenomenom

Yes, you are Something Like A. Phenomenom, which is a pretty silly name, but on the other hand it's better than Zoosmell Pooplord.

In any case, you've been trying to follow this Zoostuck 2 adventure, but it doesn't make any sense and keeps getting more convoluted. Fortunately, as your universe is beyond the influence of singularities of complexity, you have a chance to do something about that whole mess.

Some people might ask why you'd bother, how are the events of an alternate universe in any way your business. But you know better. You know that the Zoostuck 2 universe is getting entangled in the fabric of all universes, and threatens to make all of their main plotlines way too complicated. And you just can't stand for that.

The question is, what are you going to do about it?

Begin Alternate Alternate Universe Intermission Intermission

something like a phenomenon, tellin' your body to come along

Put a blanket over it!

Put a blanket over it!

There's already a blanket over the Zoostuck universe. That's how they're keeping the singularities contained. But the blanket is old and worn and it won't last forever. Also, it's just a blanket, seriously.

Another blanket might help, you suppose, but you'd prefer a more permanent solution. If only you had more information about the alternate universe, but how could you do that?

something like a phenomenon, tellin' your body to come along

Oh, of course. You could visit the universe yourself. That's extremely dangerous and would greatly increase the risk of your own universe being affected by the singularities, but on the other hand it's really boring here.

You hop into the Zoostuck 2 universe, where your presence will no doubt make the whole convoluted plotline even more convoluted.

Begin Alternate Alternate Universe Intermission Intermission

You are now some other being from Something Like A. Phenomenom's home universe. You've just witnessed Something entering the highly unstable Zoostuck 2 universe, which was recently reassembled after being split into two halves.

Your plotline, however, has nothing to do with that universe because you don't care about it at all. Who are you, and what is your plotline?

white lines, blow away

this is you



youre goosebumps dog

Your plotline is the Bakerloo line to Muttonsfordshire-on-the-Woldmonton.

this is you



youre goosebumps dog

Indeed you are. And you want nothing to do with Zoostuck's universe, it's just going to be rewritten anyways and that's got nothing to do with you. No, you're very busy being a creepy dog, and you have your own plotline that's far more important than the fate of an entire universe.

Your plotline is the Bakerloo line to Muttonsfordshire-on-the-Woldmonton.

Namely, the Bakerloo line to... wait, what? That doesn't make any sense. Is this something you're supposed to create? Is it something that already exists and you're supposed to go there? And how does it involve your creepy glowing eyes?

Ugh, someone else's plotline must have gotten mixed up with yours. That's the only possible explanation. You'd better find the sucker who has a plotline about Muttonsfordshire-on-the-Woldmonton or whatever it is and get your far more interesting plotline back from them. Now, how are you going to find them?

white lines, blow away

Ah, that's right. Using your creepy dog powers, you turn into white lines and the wind blows you away, carrying you off to your destination. Not that you know where it is, but you don't need to; that's just how creepy dog powers work.

You are now someone else.

You aren't sure exactly who, though. You've lost your name and your plotline. You found a plotline, which involves scaring some kids, but as you don't seem to be a supernatural entity of some sort you don't think it's actually yours. You definitely can't follow some of these stage directions.

Still, a plotline's a plotline, and you've got no leads except this one. So how are you going to scare the kids with your utter lack of otherworldly powers?

fill a turkey baster with warm water, tinged with yellow food coloring, then spray it on them

call the cops

fill a turkey baster with warm water, tinged with yellow food coloring, then spray it on them

That sounds gross, but then again, you've got this plotline to follow. You don't care for it much, but it's the only one you have.

Now you just need a turkey baster, warm water, and yellow food coloring, and you have no idea where to find them. Seriously, you don't really have any materials at hand. You really aren't ready for this plotline.

Well, where are you going to get the things you need?

call the cops

Of course! The police! They probably have all kinds of stuff that they'd be glad to lend to you so you can scare small children. You head to a nearby payphone and call in.

Dang it, nobody's answering! What's the hold-up?

You are now the police receptionist. The phone is ringing, but you haven't answered it because you're terrified of the creepy dog that just appeared out of nowhere and is staring at you with creepy glowing eyes. You have a strange feeling that it's demanding to know where its plotline is, and somehow it's your fault that it's gone missing, you have to get it back or you will be forever damned.

You're feeling really uncomfortable, to say the least. So what are you going to do?

hand it the phone

New Joisey.

hand it the phone

Perhaps an offering will appease this terrifying creature. You hand it over to the dog, trembling.

It knocks the phone aside. It is displeased with you. You have failed it, and the failure stings. Your only hope for redemption is to locate its plotline. But where will you even look?

New Joisey.

Well, yeah, you weren't planning on running off to another state if you could help it. But could you maybe narrow that down a bit? It's not like there's only one significant place in New Joisey!

Well, okay, there is because there's nothing of interest here. But you'd rather not go there. Not to...

What's the one significant place in the whole state, again?

Phoenix!

Wall☆Mart