Zoostuck 2

beat him to death with your shoe

That might work, but it would be highly unprofessional. He may have thwarted your ingenious plans for the future of existence and might now be stealing those plans that are rightfully yours, but he's still a customer.

Plus, you might ruin a perfectly good shoe! It's just not worth the risk.

Put broken glass in your omelet.

On the other hand, serving him an incredibly dangerous omelet would be entirely professional, given how dangerous these omelets are already. That might just do the trick. However, as a matter of pride - you are, after all, the greatest omelet chef in Paradox Space - the omelet still has to be delicious.

So what will you put in this omelet to make it even more dangerous than it already is while improving the flavor?

Obviously with a bucket of Monosodium Glutamate.

Obviously with a bucket of Monosodium Glutamate.

Of course, MSG! The perfect additive for your perfect crime. You head into the storage room to find the... bucket...

Oh no. No, you can't think about that now. You haven't brought your masterpiece into existence yet, your reference cannot be appreciated! Except by that masterpiece-stealing jerk, but who wants his appreciation?

However, it's going to take all your willpower to get this thing back into the kitchen, so this would be a good time for a perspective shift.

You are now the perspective. You're trying to shift to someone else. However, you're getting tired of this whole crazy thing just rushing from one place to another and not accomplishing anything, so you're making damn sure this shift counts.

So who are you shifting to?

how does the egg feel about all of this

the bucket, duh

how does the egg feel about all of this

Ah, yes. An excellent choice. You'll make the perspective shift right away...

the bucket, duh

Oh, wait, that sounds really intriguing too. Dang, how can you decide which perspective to shift to... whoops!

You are now a bucket in a storage room. You are also an egg about to be made into an omelet for some dumb kid.

You find your dual existence very confusing. Does this have something to do with that mental adventure about breeding objects? Are the bucket and egg trying to breed to produce a new item? You aren't sure why that would lead to a shared consciousness between the two items, but then again, neither of you have ever bred with another object before so maybe this is how it works.

Maybe you're supposed to manifest into the new item somehow, and then the egg and the bucket will go back to being their regular old selves. That's the best guess you've got, anyways. You attempt to concentrate your willpower into creating the new item and...

Yes, you're starting to feel it. A new item is coming into existence, and it's you.

But what is it, exactly?

eggbucket

Embryonic metal.

An omelet with metal fibers wound inextricably and undetectably through it, capable of silent and deadly murder.

(seriously, don't use steel wool in kitchens)

eggbucket

Yes, you feel the item forming. It is a metal bucket shaped like an egg. And it is you. You are no longer an egg and no longer a bucket, but an eggbucket.

Wait. It's not finished. You feel something strange happening, but what could it be?

Embryonic metal.

That's it, yes. The metal of your bucket is growing... no, that's something within you. This is only a transitional stage!

You're hatching! Hatching into... into...

An omelet with metal fibers wound inextricably and undetectably through it, capable of silent and deadly murder.

(seriously, don't use steel wool in kitchens)

An omelet. Your bucket shell cracks open and your omelet self falls into the frying pan. The process is complete.

You are now the chef/webcomic artist. You've just left the storeroom because you can't handle that bucket. Seriously, how can they leave one just lying around there?

But you glance in the frying pan and see an omelet already there. Of course! You must have created this omelet through the sheer force of your artistic genius. Truly you are a master at work.

It almost seems a shame to waste such a sublime omelet on that dumb kid, but you've got a job to do. You put it on a plate and head out to serve it...

Wait a minute, there's no one here! Where did the dumb kid go?

takin' a leak (in the bathroom) (using a toilet)

He went to give his preemptory compliments to the chef for giving him the inspiration time to make his masterpiece even better!

He went to give his preemptory compliments to the chef for giving him the inspiration time to make his masterpiece even better!

Wait, of course. Your masterpiece is so brilliant that even that dumb kid must realize it, and he must be aware that it had something to do with you. So in his dumb kid brain, he's probably come up with some ridiculous explanation for why he should thank you for it. You'd better get back to the kitchen before he causes any trouble.

takin' a leak (in the bathroom) (using a toilet)

You are now Zoosmell Pooplord and you are in the bathroom. You feel weird because you have this entire brilliant plan for a webcomic and you've actually remembered it for more than five minutes. Seriously, that's ridiculous! You've totally forgotten about ordering that omelet already, for instance.

Either a malicious entity of some sort has planted this idea in your brain or you're becoming an artist. You aren't sure which of those concepts terrifies you more.

Anyways, you've concluded that your best option is to do something dumb until you forget the whole thing. So what dumb thing are you going to do?

sample their fine selection of urinal cakes

Pour all the cleaning solvents into a bucket.

sample their fine selection of urinal cakes

They don't have any urinals in here. They do have a variety of really weird toilet-like apparatuses, though. It's as if a restaurant beyond space and time caters to a wide variety of nonhuman body types, but that's a ridiculous notion, why would they do that?

Pour all the cleaning solvents into a bucket.

They do have a bunch of cleaning solvents, though. You gather a bunch up so you can do something stupid with them. Maybe mix them all together in a bucket or something... but you don't see any buckets in here.

Well, where are you going to find one?

In the janitor's closet!

in your omelet

In the janitor's closet!

Oh, right! There's sure to be someone who cleans this place up and they probably use some sort of bucket. You head out and start looking for a door.

Before you know it, you've wandered into the kitchen, where the chef is looking around. You're about to ask him where the janitor's closet it, when you realize this place is probably employees-only. If he notices you, that could be trouble.

But you're not just going to leave, because hey, maybe the janitor's closet is in the kitchen. You don't see why it wouldn't be. You just have to make sure he doesn't spot you while you go searching...

in your omelet

...wait a minute, is that an omelet? Is that omelet you ordered ages ago ready? It's about time. Maybe you should just forget about all these cleaning solvents - which you already did, thanks short attention span - and just eat your meal.

AND THEN BRING YOUR MASTERPIECE TO LIFE okay, seriously, something feels really wrong about remembering this masterpiece with your pathetic attention span. But you can worry about that after you eat. You slip back into the kitchen, leaving all the cleaning solvents on the floor because you no longer care about them.

You are now the chef and webcomic guy again. You seem to have just missed the dumb kid and his efforts to thank you for his masterpiece. Might as well hand over his omelet now.

You head out, stepping over a pile of cleaning solvents - what are those even doing there? - and find the dumb kid at his table. Finally. You deposit the omelet in front of him, then run back to the kitchen to laugh maniacally at the culimination of your revenge.

You are now the omelet. You only came into existence a short while ago, and now some dumb kid is about to eat you.

What are you going to do about this?

take detailed inventory of your own contents

Kill him.

take detailed inventory of your own contents

You contain proteins, various metals, and... something you can't identify, you think it's some kind of crazy cosmic stuff. You suppose there was something really potent about either the egg or the bucket.

Regardless, whatever this crazy cosmic stuff is, it's powerful. You feel like you could do almost anything, despite being inanimate. With this kind of power at your disposal, you have nothing to fear from this child. With the merest thought, you can simply...

Kill him.

You release a charge of the strange cosmic energy and knock the child away. How pathetic...

Wait. He's getting up? He survived that? Impossible!

You are now Zoosmell Pooplord, and you feel weird. Specifically, you feel like you were blasted by cosmic energy from your omelet and only survived because an entity with an extremely convoluted master plan intends to use you to recreate the universe so the webcomic you just plotted out can exist.

So what are you going to do?

get right back on that horse and eat that omelet

captchalogue the omelet for later

captchalogue the omelet for later

Captchawhat? That sounds like some kind of ridiculous inventory mechanic. How would you even do that WHOA WAIT YOU CAN USE THAT IN YOUR WEBCOMIC!

Dang, these ideas are getting crazy. They don't even feel like your own ideas any more. And you still have no idea how to captchalogue anything, let alone this omelet. You should try a different plan.

get right back on that horse and eat that omelet

Horse? What horse? You don't see any horses around here. Where are you supposed to get a horse? And for that matter, why do you need to ride a horse to eat an omelet?

Then again, this is a crazy omelet that's attacking you, so who knows. Maybe a horse would help. But where are you even going to find one?

You are now the horse detective. You were chasing after the criminal mastermind who owns this mansion beyond time and space, and by using your powers of deduction, you've worked out that he escaped through the mysterious glowing door that you just saw him run through.

You're just one dramatic confrontation away from clearing your name and solving the crime you didn't commit. But you can't do this alone, you need to get the other detectives together. And who knows what they're doing now.

What are they doing now?