Zoostuck 2

you are going to piss

Heaven, duh.

Heaven, duh.

Oh, of course! You've always wanted to see Heaven, and you figure if it gets dull you can catch a ride back to the mortal realm. There's some unpleasant muttering from the prize committee, but ultimately they relent. You're taking a trip to Heaven for not being on the losing team in a baseball game!

You are now God.

Your second cousin is dead. You sent some angels to investigate, but they concluded that the whole thing lead into an incredibly complex conspiracy beyond your understanding. Considering the depth of your understanding, you realize that it must be pretty serious.

And in your infinite wisdom, you've decided to stay out of it as much as you can. But now one of the many people central to the incredibly complex plan has been delivered right onto your doorstop by Hell, and you've got no idea if this is part of the plan or not. Or whether it's a good thing or not if the plan ultimately succeeds.

So what are you going to do about this Ryan North guy?

Give him a totem and tell him to track down your second cousin.

Just ignore him. It's the godliest thing to do

Give him a totem and tell him to track down your second cousin.

Perfect. That should keep him busy and he might even find the real culprit. You give him a coin and tell him to get it to your second cousin.

He starts asking a lot of questions, though, like "who's your second cousin, where am I going to find them, how do I get out of here". Well, you're going to have to do something about this, and what you're going to do is...

Just ignore him. It's the godliest thing to do

...pay no attention to his questions whatsoever. He keeps asking for a while, then shrugs and goes away. Great, everything's taken care of, you can get back to running the universe. You should probably do something about the fact that half of it has disappeared, though.

You are now Ryan North and you've been given a task to deliver something to God's second cousin, who unbeknownst to you is already dead. You have no idea how to get out of Heaven, either. What are you going to do?

kill god

god is dead

kill god

What? Why would you do that, God's a nice enough guy. Well, except for the whole thing where he won't answer any of your questions, and also that he has infinite power but still allows suffering to exist... Actually, now that you think about it, God's kind of a jerk, geez.

Killing him still seems pretty harsh, though. Plus, you just got out of Hell and you're pretty sure trying to kill God would just get you sent back there. Then you'd have to win a baseball game all over again!

You pace around for a while trying to work this out, but then you realize something.

god is dead

Someone else went and killed God while you were thinking about whether or not you should kill God! But you don't see any sign of the culprit anywhere, you just see God sitting there with a knife in his back.

Uh-oh. That means if anyone comes in, you're going to be the top suspect! But maybe if you solve the crime really fast, you can clear your name before you're actually accused!

So how are you going to do that?

Dress up as Nietzsche.

Dress up as Nietzsche.

Thinking quickly, you recall that you keep a Friedrich Nietzsche costume on your person at all times for precisely this sort of emergency. Wow, you can't believe you forgot that!

You promptly change, and run around declaring that God is dead! Nobody pays any attention to you, because obviously Friedrich Nietzsche has been running around Heaven making the same declarations for decades and nobody pays any attention to him any more.

This has bought you time, but you still have no clue who the murderer was.

You are now Friedrich Nietzsche, and you just killed God. Not that it made a difference, he was already dead.

What's your next move?

San Francisco. In the Negative Limbo section of heaven, where imaginary numbers and monkeys roam free, free as they eye can('t) see!

New Joisey!

San Francisco. In the Negative Limbo section of heaven, where imaginary numbers and monkeys roam free, free as they eye can('t) see!

New Joisey!

Some nonsensical thoughts pass through your head. You dismiss them. You have to get to San Francisco, New Jersey as soon as possible.

Of course, this requires there to be a San Francisco in New Jersey first.

You are now a small-town politician in New Jersey. You've decided to found your own town so you can be mayor; you were thinking of calling it San Francisco.

Unfortunately, you have no idea exactly who you submit what paperwork to in order to do that. And by paperwork you mean bribes. The secret effort to fend off the army of signatures, which you don't know about, has made the relevant regulations a lot more complex, and as far as you can tell there's a lot more redundant layers of bureaucracy to pay off now.

The best plan you have is to just get a lot of money and bribe everyone until you get your new city, but that's going to take a lot of money. Where exactly are you going to get it?

New Joisey!

New Joisey!

Of course! It's so obvious! You'll get the funds to pay for your corrupt dealings by accepting bribes for someone else's corrupt dealings! God, you love this state!

All you need to do is send out the right signals down the right channels and make sure you word it carefully so you can deny everything if the feds get involved. That's no problem.

You are now The Phoney. You ended up going back in time with a vast fortune in poker earnings and you're looking for some place to spend it because you don't want the feds of your own time period looking into how you got it.

Luckily, you soon discover that a small-time New Jersey politician is willing to accept huge bribes, which should get this money out of your pocket. The only question is, what kind of ridiculously extravagant favor will you ask for in return?

...New Joisey?

...New Joisey?

Of course! You can ask for the entire state! Surely one small-time crooked politician can deliver that to you in exchange for ridiculous amounts of money!

Well, with that decided, it's time to contact this guy. Before you know it, you'll have a state of your very own! Maybe you'll call it New Phoney.

You are Friedrich Nietzsche again, and your plan has hit a snag. The city you need to flee to hasn't been founded yet, but that's not too much of a problem. The more pressing issue is that the guy providing the money to found it has plans to rename the state, and obviously this will throw off your entire scheme.

So what are you going to do to get things back on track?

Old Joisey.

Mid-Life Crisis Joisey

Old Joisey.

Oh, of course. Your escape vehicle is a stolen time-traveling Delorean that you used after beaming bad ideas into some demon's mind back down in Hell. You can just use it to go back to the Jersey that got turned into New Jersey. Then you can wait a few hundred years and manipulate things to keep the state's name from changing when the time arrives. Since you're already dead, this shouldn't be a problem.

Well, you hop into the time machine and set the destination, then get the Heaven out of here and...

Wait a minute. Where exactly are you?

Mid-Life Crisis Joisey

Dang it, either you're in the wrong year or you went to an alternate timeline or something. This isn't New Jersey and it isn't plain old Jersey, this is Mid-Life Crisis Jersey!

Great, now you'll have to take out your time map and try to figure out what went wrong. Ugh, you hate time maps.

You are now Zoosmell Pooplord. You have plotted out an incredibly elaborate masterpiece and all you need to do is rewrite the universe so that it can exist.

But your omelet still hasn't arrived! Also, your time machine seems to have gone missing somehow. What are you going to do while you wait?

Twiddle your thumbs. Or design another zodiac or something like leprechauns or i don't even know about all that bullshit.

Twiddle your thumbs. Or design another zodiac or something like leprechauns or i don't even know about all that bullshit.

Man, you could master thumb-twiddling by the time you WAIT ANOTHER ZODIAC? LEPRECHAUNS? OH MAN YOU HAVE TO GET THESE IDEAS DOWN THEY'RE GOING TO MAKE YOUR MASTERPIECE EVEN BETTER SWEET

You are now the webcomic author in the kitchen and you really have to do something about this guy. But you've been completely unable to contact Ryan North for help! It looks like you're on your own with this one.

But what can you do? How can you possibly stop this stupid kid from stealing your masterpiece while he waits for the omelet you're supposed to be making him? What possible course of action could be within your power to put an end to this?

beat him to death with your shoe

Put broken glass in your omelet.