Zoostuck 2

complete the webcomic

aqueous, I think?

Partying.

Ah, of course. An impromptu party at the artist's house should serve as an adequate diversion for your plans. A few well-placed phone calls, and no one will notice as one of your agents slips in.

But what will you have them do?

complete the webcomic

Of course. A complete script to this inferior comic should stop the artist from wasting his talents on it for too long. Indeed, you may even hasten his awakening so that he might bring the new universe into being sooner than expected.

Within hours, the party has begun, and some talentless hack you've hired is slapping together the story of Kurtis Blow.

You are now a talentless hack. And your master plan has nearly come to fruition.

Every step of this plan has been meticulously worked out from the very beginning. You've been manipulating timelines that don't even exist, and even the ultimate singularity of complexity, all for this moment.

For the ultimate truth that you alone realize is that once "I'm Kurtis Blow and I Want You to No" is complete, the universe shall be remade to your highly uncreative vision. Everyone else will be even less talented than you! Your enemies shall be hopeless caricatures, and your friends will exalt you endlessly! You shall be universally beloved and have power beyond compare!

But first you have to figure out what the hell this comic is actually about. What is that, exactly?

Nothing much

Everything

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Spoiler

Nothing much

Everything

Of course. "I'm Kurtis Blow and I Want You to No" is simultaneously about nothing and about everything. That sounds deeply profound, but really it's because you're a talentless hack.

Regardless, you're a talentless hack who's planned everything to absurd detail and now it's all about to pay off. Once you finish scripting this, the universe will be your plaything, and nobody even suspects a thing.

You are now a hat. You suspect that the ridiculous manipulations to the various timelines are the result of a talentless hack trying to create an opportunity to rewrite the universe to his specifications.

However, being only a hat, you are essentially powerless to do anything about it. Too bad, you suppose. You rather liked the universe, but you probably won't exist in the new one.

You are now Zoosmell Pooplord's mother, and you feel really weird. Your inexplicable connection to the rewritten universe that you won't be in is going crazy. It's almost as if an entirely different universe is going to replace this one, a much stupider universe that you still won't be in because the talentless hack who's about to create it doesn't know about you.

Clearly you have to work faster to destroy the universe in order to stop this disaster. But how are you going to do that when you're imprisoned on this planet-ship with incredibly advanced technology and inhabitants who are incredibly intelligent and also forgetful enough to leave the doors on their prison cells unlocked?

Wait. Okay, well, that's one problem taken care of. But you still have to stop this whole mess somehow, or rather stop the part where a new universe comes into existence. How are you going to do that? All you have available is the incredibly advanced technology of this planet-ship and a package containing a game capable of rewriting the universe.

Seriously, what are you going to do?

BLOW OFF THE ROOF

open the box

rot..

BLOW OFF THE ROOF

You would, but this planet-ship doesn't have a roof. Neither do any of the structures within it, even though they otherwise resemble buildings. There aren't any windows, either! For an incredibly advanced civilization, they sure lack some pretty basic things.

open the box

Wait! Of course! If you open the box and plug the game into the computer, all you have to do is mess with the part where it creates a new universe! Or maybe you can get it to collide with the universe this other guy is trying to create and then it'll screw up in some way that destroys the universe instead. Whatever, you're sure it'll work out somehow.

You open up the package and...

Wait, dammit. This isn't the game that rewrites the universe. This is Oregon Trail!

You are now one of the lizardpeople. You just opened a package with a game prophesied to destroy your entire civilization. You have a funny feeling you were supposed to discover that the package you opened had Oregon Trail in it, but oh well.

But now that you've actually opened the package, you're having second thoughts about playing this game and dooming your entire civilization. What are you going to do?

tell those bad thoughts to go treat themselves to some quiche. You swear, nothing will happen while they're gone.

Ketchup puns

tell those bad thoughts to go treat themselves to some quiche. You swear, nothing will happen while they're gone.

You decide to distract the second thoughts with some quiche, except you have no idea what that is and now you're finding yourself distracted from the civilization-destroying game with questions of what quiche is. It reminds you of food, though.

Ketchup puns

Speaking of food, you'd better hurry if you want to ketchup! Wait, who would you be trying to catch up to anyways?

Actually, now you're hungry. Forget this civilization-destroying game, you want a pizza. A ketchup-and-quiche pizza, even though you don't know what quiche is.

You are now the pizza guy on the planet-ship. You have an extra leg and are considered a freak, but you make the best pizzas in the universe.

Somebody's just ordered a ketchup-and-quiche pizza. You have no idea what quiche is. How are you going to fill this order?

don sombrero

just give them a pepperoni, everyone likes pepperoni pizzas

don sombrero

A sombrero? Is that what they call the poofy hat chefs wear? Well, you're already wearing it, so that's taken care of. It isn't really helping with this problem, though.

just give them a pepperoni, everyone likes pepperoni pizzas

Yes, that is the perfect solution FOR A LESSER PIZZA CHEF.

But you produce the greatest pizzas in the universe, and you will fill any order, no matter how absurd! If you don't know what quiche is, you'll just have to find someone who does!

Like that human lady hanging around outside staring at an Oregon Trail disk. You promptly ask her if she knows what quiche is.

You are now that human lady. One of these aliens has just asked you what quiche is. Perhaps there is a way you can use this as an opportunity to further your plans to destroy the universe.

What will you tell the alien pizza chef?

what a quiche is

Speak quiche

Speak quiche

Don't be silly. While you did take a course on the Mayan language of Quiché, that was years ago and you're hardly fluent. You doubt this creature speaks the language either.

what a quiche is

Ah, of course! By giving the correct answer to this alien, he'll be grateful and you can get him to further your plans! Possibly through clapping. You haven't thought that far ahead yet.

You promptly explain that a quiche is a custard-filled tart, which usually contains cheese and other ingredients such as ham or vegetables. The alien chef seems satisfied and runs back into his kitchen. A job well done.

Wait a minute, he hasn't done you a favor! You just helped him and got nothing at all in return! That's not going to get the universe destroyed at all!

You are now the skeleton President. You are not President in this timeline, but you ended up here somehow and you're going to find a way to reintroduce evil into your world, confound it. Even if your timeline is way off from this one.

So where are you, and what are you going to do?

dive in head first

The White House. You're about to become President.

The White House. You're about to become President.

That's right. You've been so busy trying to sort out what timeline you're in that you nearly forgot it was your swearing-in-ceremony. Of course, you wouldn't actually forget because you're going to be the best president this country's ever had.

But are you sure today was your swearing-in day? Oh well, it doesn't matter. The various introductions and the like are all wrapping up and you just have to swear the oath now. You go ahead and do that, and get brought to your new office.

dive in head first

And you're not going to waste any time. You know that your administration is going to eradicate all evil from the world and then encounter the problems that ensue from that decision. Now, you could just not eradicate all evil, but that just doesn't seem right to you. For one thing, it was one of your campaign promises!

So you promptly ask your team to make a list of all the evil things in the world, including the things the government is currently doing. That could take a while, but it's going to get results! You know, because you've seen them already.

You are now an underpaid intern at the White House, and you've stumbled across a few things that you're not sure how to categorize. You've found someone trying to destroy the universe, which is probably "evil", but you've also found two separate plans to rewrite the universe and you don't know if that counts as "evil" or not.

What are you going to do about this?

take an early retirement

take an early retirement

Ugh, yeah. This isn't what you signed up for. You knew it was going to be rough, but you didn't expect to make decisions involving the fate of the entire universe. Seriously, this is way too much for you. You're out of here. Somebody else can deal with this, you're going to do something less stressful, like serving ice cream.

You are now God.

In accordance with the prophecies, your second cousin has decided to quit his internship at the White House and pursue a career as an ice cream vendor. Monitoring this situation is clearly the most important thing you could possibly be doing with your time.

Now that the next step in the prophecy has been fulfilled without a hitch, though, you can attend to other business. Business such as... such as...

Well, whatever you're going to do right now. What is that, again?

best.