Zoostuck 2

Dude! Go to Hawaii! It's not like you get handed free tickets to exotic locales every day. Besides, look at all that destruction, you deserve a vacation. And just think of what your frugal mother would say if she saw you wasting such a wonderful opportunity.

Dude! Go to Hawaii! It's not like you get handed free tickets to exotic locales every day. Besides, look at all that destruction, you deserve a vacation. And just think of what your frugal mother would say if she saw you wasting such a wonderful opportunity.

You know what, yeah! Screw this! You've got tickets to Hawaii! But you feel like just jetting off there isn't quite right, like there's something else you should do first. But what?

Hmmm. Obviously the solution is to make a better government.

Of course! If you recreate the government and get them to pass a law recognizing the past government's free tickets to Hawaii, everything's going to work out!

But that feels like even more work than breaking the rest of this place, so you figure you'll start your new government in Hawaii. You head towards the airport.

You are now an airport worker and a giant monster from the Atlantic Ocean has presented a one-way ticket to Hawaii.

How the hell are you going to get this thing on a plane?

Solve everything with duct tape.

Solve everything with duct tape.

You're going to need to call in an outside expert for that.

Luckily, he seems quite eager to help, so you just need to wait for him to finish getting the duct tape over here.

Of course, who knows how long that could take him. You get out a deck of cards and play poker with the giant monster while you wait.

You are now the Ace of Spades. For some reason, the outcome of this game of poker you are part of is extremely important, even though neither party has made any actual bets. Why is that, again?

You are secretly one of the cards from The Deck of Many Things that was shuffled into a mundane deck of cards as some sort of stupid prank. Your powers could decide more than just the fate of this game, they could decide the fate of the world. On a completely unrelated note, they are playing Texas Hold em and you are the river.

Your role will determine the balance of racial stereotypes for years to come.

You are secretly one of the cards from The Deck of Many Things that was shuffled into a mundane deck of cards as some sort of stupid prank. Your powers could decide more than just the fate of this game, they could decide the fate of the world. On a completely unrelated note, they are playing Texas Hold em and you are the river.

That doesn't sound quite right, you don't remember having a vastly more complicated origin than anyone would suspect. You have pretty clear memories of being printed by a playing card manufacturer. And who would bother implanting fake memories into an inanimate object, even one as essential as yourself?

Your role will determine the balance of racial stereotypes for years to come.

Okay, that seems a bit more plausible, even if you aren't sure how it's going to work. So that leaves the question of which of these guys is supposed to win, and how you're supposed to help them do that. If only you could get another vague premonition like the one that you got telling you this game was really important. But what are the chances of that?

You are now the Spirit of Vague Premonitions. You were supposed to teach some evil wizard about the true meaning of Christmas, but apparently he died partway through so now you're supposed to deliver some vague premonitions to a playing card.

The only problem is, this delivery is dated for many years into the future and you really don't want to just sit around waiting for the right day to arrive, that's boring. So how can you get to the future faster?

With a handy DeLorean, of course!

With a handy DeLorean, of course!

Oh, hey, that's right, some kid trying to put a skeleton together zoomed into the present in a time machine! All you have to do is steal the car while being totally non-corporeal and unable to interact with the physical world in any way beyond granting vague premonitions...

Huh. Now that you think about it, that sounds pretty hard to do. How are you going to handle this?

Give yourself a vague premonition of what you're going to do

Oh, right, duh, you can use your powers on yourself. Okay, let's see what we come up with...

Give the kid a vague premonition guiding him to the future

Huh, that wasn't really that vague. Except it didn't tell you what sort of vague premonition to give him, you guess that could have been more specific.

Well, okay, what should go in this vague premonition you're going to give the kid in order to make him head to the future while you sneak into his car and tag along?

tell him to go to a mcdonalds. order like 50 of those breakfast plates, and rub the scrambled eggs into your hair. it'll give you luscious locks

tell him to go to a mcdonalds. order like 50 of those breakfast plates, and rub the scrambled eggs into your hair. it'll give you luscious locks

It all comes to you in an instant. You'll lure this kid into the car by persuading him that he needs better hair and should drive off to a fast-food place to get it! Since the car's onboard computer is clearly set to head to the right time period in the future on a call for fast food, that should be enough to get you where you need to go.

You fly across the world in an instant and give the kid the premonition. He screams and runs into the car, with you sneaking along, and then drives it into...

Wait a minute. This isn't the future.

This is Paradox Space.

You are now some dumb kid. You just drove a time machine into a fast food restaurant in Paradox Space, because you had a premonition that you should order 50 meals and take the scrambled eggs and put them in your hair or something. Or was that a metaphor?

Well, metaphor or not, there's a bit of a problem. This place only seems to sell omelets.

So what are you going to do?

Omelette du fromage.

John Egbert

edit: John Eggbert

Omelette du fromage.

Well, you suppose that while you're here you can order an omelet. You probably won't put it in your hair - why were you planning to put 50 orders of scrambled eggs in your hair again? - but you could use some food before you head back to fix up that skeleton.

You sit down and tell the server your order. Judging by his hat, he's also the chef. He asks for your name.

Dammit, you just remembered your name is really stupid. You decide to give him a phony, less stupid name.

John Egbert

edit: John Eggbert

"John Eggbert," you say, chuckling. Okay, it's still pretty stupid, but it's still better than Zoosmell Pooplord.

"John Egbert," the server says blankly. "Of course!"

You are now the server, chef, and sole employee of this diner in Paradox Space. Some kid has just sparked buried memories in your mind and you remember what happened before your spirit was torn apart and you ended up here.

You were going to create a masterpiece! And that Zoosmell Pooplord kid ruined it! And this is that Zoosmell Pooplord kid.

Oh, sure, he appears to have been sent back a hundred years or so into his past and robbed of all memories of the crucial events, but it's unmistakably him. This kid ruined your chance to rebuild the universe so it could contain your masterpiece. And he's just ordered a cheese omelet.

What are you going to do?

get him his damn eggs

Relive the Glory Days.

Give him a cheese omelet.

And overcharge him.

get him his damn eggs

Ugh. You can't think about petty revenge. You have a job to do, dammit, and you're a professional. Plus, if you get fired you'll get thrown back into the paradox void until you drift somewhere else.

But still. This impudent whelp must pay for what he's done.

Give him a cheese omelet.

And overcharge him.

A smile crosses your face. Yes, he'll pay. He'll pay an extra two dollars and fifty cents! You rush off to the kitchen, cackling maniacally.

You are now Zoosmell Pooplord and you're already bored of waiting for your omelet. Man, how long do you have to wait here?

It suddenly occurs to you that you arrived in a time machine and can take it to when the food's ready. You leave the table and hop in and...

Dang it, you're getting an error message. Something about "CURRENT TIMELINE OUT OF BOUNDS". This is stupid, now you're probably going to have to wait to get the time-car fixed too.

So how are you going to pass the time while you wait for your omelet?

tabletop football

ignore this idiot kid and make your masterpiece, Home Stuck

chopping up human limbs to entertain your patrons

Juggle geese.

tabletop football

You don't think football's been invented yet in your timeline. How are you supposed to know what it is?

Then again, you could invent it, but there doesn't seem to be anyone else here, so there wouldn't be much point in it.

Juggle geese.

There aren't any geese here, either! Though presumably there's some kind of bird, where else would they get the eggs? Maybe that's something you could look into.

ignore this idiot kid and make your masterpiece, Home Stuck

What idiot kid... HEY! You are not an idiot kid! Well, okay, you kind of are. But you're not going to ignore yourself!

Although making a masterpiece does sound fun. And Home Stuck is certainly an intriguing title. You could probably finish it up by the time your omelet gets here.

So what's it going to be about?

a boy named john egbert who gets a video game that changes his life... and everyone else's... forever :-)