This Guy's Problem (TWS)

>Backtrack! Backtrackbacktrackbacktrack! Put it on lesser members of the ROYALTY! After all, only a PERSON ASKING FOR BONAGE would say such a thing! Which calls into question SOME MEMBERS OF THE COURT and their DESIRES-

Break down sobbing incoherently.

>Go back to the insanity plea real quick. As evidence of this fact, maybe point out that this guy picked you to represent him.

Your PANIC levels are getting really high. The LORD does not take kindly to incompetent Solicitors.

You attempt another internalized MEGA-THOUGHT, but the PRESSURE is just too much. You FUMBLE with all of your puppets while speaking EVERYTHING THAT COMES TO MIND.

Steek to your guns, hombre. Ees the on'y way out of thees. "Jes, I am afraid so, joor honor."

Your Spanish accent is drastically improved while in PANIC MODE but since Senor Sasparilla is hidden beneath your hat it just looks like you're talking to YOURSELF (how silly!)

"Jes - Yes, I'm afraid so your honor!" you repeat while frantically placing Lady Worpinshire back on your PINKY.

>Shout "You'll find a thorough explanation right over there!" and point behind the Lord, then run away while they're distracted.

"Great idea." you whisper to the feminine puppet.

"You'll find a thorough explanation right over there!" You point while waggling Captain Dunglebee in the Lord's direction.

While the court is suitably distracted (they are not), you grab your puppet sack and run directly into the BURLY GUARD that was there to block your escape from your iron-bared DEFENSE CHAMBER.

As you pick yourself up from the floor, frantically reach to reclaim your puppets. While reaching for Bartleby you voice the very sound advice he probably would suggest were he a real person and not a puppet.

Quickly explain that when you say THE LORD you mean THE LORD YOUR GOD, and as such God is giving us all a test.

"Yes! Yes of course I see you have my um words confused given your uhm title, see I meant that GOD the LORD YOUR GOD that is has caused the corruption er no is responsible for..."

Oh what's this! Professor Newcastle where have you been!?

>Backtrack! Backtrackbacktrackbacktrack! Put it on lesser members of the ROYALTY! After all, only a PERSON ASKING FOR BONAGE would say such a thing! Which calls into question SOME MEMBERS OF THE COURT and their DESIRES-

says the intellectual puppet that has found its way onto your ring finger.

"Yes uhm you see you all must have misheard... that...I mean that...scraggaly Andy here uhm..."

OH god it's HOBO JONES. He is out of the bag. He is looking at you. What is he saying? What is he whispering to you? Why is he out of the bag?

Break down sobbing incoherently.Break down sobbing incoherently.Break down sobbing incoherently.Break down sobbing incoherently.Break down sobbing incoherently.

"SHUT UP HOBO JONES I CAN HANDLE THIS I AM NOT GOING TO BE BONED HERE NO NO I CAN DO THIS I AM A LAWYER!"

You break down sobbing incoherently.

You try to babble some more sensible puppet arguments but the sobbing gets in the way.



A clear crystalline voice speaks out from the other side of the room.

"Your Lordship, If I may, shall the Prosecution give it's closing argument?"


Oh LORD not this guy...

>_

>Your far more successful twin brother!

Mi hijo, remember the tale I told you of the child and the scorpion. Joo must calm joorself, si? Or else, you will be stung.

That damn cardboard-box stealing, alcohol-watering-down, mraggle frangle ten days till!

You were ambitious. You wanted a- a finger puppet beyond any other, a finger puppet that would Surpass All Others In Greatness. It would move! It would talk! It would talk more! It would be wise and learned and all that other stuff! It would be miraculous!


Now look at what you've created.

He uses hand-puppets.

Like a douche.

>Your far more successful twin brother!

Lady, you talk as if you have the ability to suggest things which can break outside of the mind of our sobbing Solicitor and influence the story proper! (how silly!)

Besides, you know FOR A FACT that you have no twin brother. Your PARENTS made it VERY CLEAR on several occasions that there was NO SUCH SIBLING. They were so adamant about this FACT that they even would BRING IT UP when the conversation did not WARRANT IT, especially on your BIRTHDAY.

Like, "Hey Mom can I invite a smelly peasant kid over?"

"What!? No. YOU DON'T HAVE A TWIN!"

"Uh, yeah mom I know! Duh."

Mi hijo, remember the tale I told you of the child and the scorpion. Joo must calm joorself, si? Or else, you will be stung.

You begin to collect yourself.

"Yes. That's right Senor. You always did give some great advice. Gotta stay calm. I can get through this. I am a GOOD LAWYER."

You dry your tears with Dandy Poppins' ample rump and Mr. Fuzzy Hat's headgear. You start to put your puppets back where they belong.

That damn cardboard-box stealing, alcohol-watering-down, mraggle frangle ten days till!

....

You put Hobo Jones back in the bag.

Okay okay, time to psyche yourself back up. You can do this, you can bring out the big guns. You reach around and carefully pick up Professor Newcastle and his intellectual monocle!

You place the puppet on your finger and just start saying whatever words you can in your most proper voice to get yourself going.

You were ambitious. You wanted a- a finger puppet beyond any other, a finger puppet that would Surpass All Others In Greatness. It would move! It would talk! It would talk more! It would be wise and learned and all that other stuff! It would be miraculous!


Now look at what you've created.

"Yes look at me! Look at what I've created! I am THE BEST! I am..."

"SOLICITOR! YOU WILL BE SILENT!" The LORD glares at you from his JUDGEMENT PERCH.

Looks like the PROSECUTION was giving his closing statement while you were telling yourself how awesome you could make things.

GEEZE you HATE that guy. (The Prosecution, not the LORD. You're TERRIFIED of the LORD. Also THE LORD you guess but that guy isn't nearly as likely to EXECUTE you for LOSING YOUR CASE.)

You sit down on your DEFENSE PLANK next to Scraggly Andy (still toe-pick'n) and listen to what CHARMING MCDICKFACE is saying over there.

And no, that isn't what you call him in your mind. Its just a regular insult. You actually know this douchebag's name.

>_

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Spoiler

He uses hand-puppets.

Like a douche.

Heheh yeah...no wait...no he doesn't.

And you LOVE hand puppets, but you realized early on that you'd needed something smaller and more numerous to be an effective LAWYER.

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SpoilerIt occurs to you that Bookie Magee is a terrible name for a puppet and that such a puppet does not even exist. Sometimes you get these made up names confused, especially when you are TIRED. You really should get some sort of TABLE to keep track of them all.

>Okay, calm down. All you need to do is find some stealthy way to make this guy even more embarrassed than you are.

To defeat a man is a simple game. Joo must simply discover his darkest fear. What does this prosecutor fear, more than anything?

Ahem. Adjusts monocle.

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SpoilerNow that I'm no longer referred to as a mere bookie,

may I note that Charming McDickface (are you sure that isn't his name?) always keeps a suspicious-looking briefcase beside him with his initials monogrammed in the side. Always. Even when he visits the little lawyers' room.

Do you intend to defeat him? Well. Perhaps that briefcase holds the key.

Steal his lunch! He's a commie spy here to put orange juice in the lakes to kill the fish and make innocent fishermen lose their jobs and turn to alcoholism, putting themselves into a permanent stupor that they'll never escape, for if they do they'll feel nothing but pain!

Graaangh.

Alternatively: Punch him in the smug face since he can't well push your pants if he's wide asleep on the cold hard ground like I have to be every night due to those damn commies ninety-twelve please give me a sandwich.

The Prosecution is clearly prosecuting you and not your client! Protest! Object!

Oh hey I'm surprised! I really expected you to start suggesting names for the prosecution guy. Then I'd get to berate you and tell you how silly it is that you'd think you could affect things like people's names.

>Okay, calm down. All you need to do is find some stealthy way to make this guy even more embarrassed than you are.

To defeat a man is a simple game. Joo must simply discover his darkest fear. What does this prosecutor fear, more than anything?

"Oh I have a plan for that. If he's anything like me he fears execution by IRATE LORD. I just have to wait for the right moment."

may I note that Charming McDickface (are you sure that isn't his name?) always keeps a suspicious-looking briefcase beside him with his initials monogrammed in the side. Always. Even when he visits the little lawyers' room.

Do you intend to defeat him? Well. Perhaps that briefcase holds the key.

"What the hell is a briefcase?"

Oh Professor Newcastle what did I just say about being able to affect things outside of the Solicitor's head? Perhaps a learned puppet such as yourself may know a thing or two about state-of-the-art travelling devices but I assure you the Prosecution has no such device.

He carries around a leather portfolio. Fits snugly into his coat pocket when it's not in use. Geeze.

"He does have that stupid little book thing. Look at it, always holding it, referencing it for NOTES, keeping his THOUGHTS ORGANIZED. Labeled with those stupid 'C.V.' initials. And no, C.V. doesn't stand for 'Charming VanDorkinstien', it stands for 'Clarion Vergis'.

"That smooth talking son-of-a-bitch, is just soooo successful and liked by ALL THE LADIES. Oh but what's that Professor? You think I could call him a slut-bag because clearly someone who could get that much tail would sleep around constantly? But noooo. he apparently LOVES HIS WIFE, and there's some stupid sweet CONVOLUTED STORY about how they got together that he always tells at PARTIES like an ASSHOLE.

"Not to mention he's always PANDERING TO THE JUDGES. Finding out what they like and saying just the right thing to EARN THEIR FAVOR. But NOT TODAY. Today I'm gonna...

Steal his lunch! He's a commie spy here to put orange juice in the lakes to kill the fish and make innocent fishermen lose their jobs and turn to alcoholism, putting themselves into a permanent stupor that they'll never escape, for if they do they'll feel nothing but pain!

"Graaangh!"

You slam the puppet bag on the floor. You're not sure how much of that you actually said out loud but frigg'n HOBO JONES is NOT HELPING. Why can't you just have a decent semi-internal expository monologue with out that damn puppet mouthing off his nonsense?

...

You peek in the bag to make sure HOBO JONES isn't hurt too bad.

Punch him in the smug face since he can't well push your pants if he's wide asleep on the cold hard ground like I have to be every night due to those damn commies ninety-twelve please give me a sandwich.

Okay yes he's fine.

"Uuuuuugh." You pull your hat farther down on your head in frustration/psyche yourself up. You squish a few finger puppets and lower the ceiling in Senor Sasparilla's house but who cares they are puppets they'll be fine.

"Looks like Prosecution Licks-his-balls, is done with his opening closing statements and moving on to the meat of it...time to enact my MASTER PLAN.

"CLARION YOU SUUUUUUCK!!!"

There's a bit of silence in the courtroom. Clarion clears his throat and his angelic voice speaks once again.

"As I was saying, despite the custom in your excellency's court of dispatching the most incompetent solicitors in a wise effort to improve the fledgling judicial system as a whole, it is my humble opinion that losing our dear defense lawyer would be an incalculable shame."

"F*CK YOU CLARION!!!"

"Despite his...peculiarities, the solicitor has managed to make some very valid claims in the defense of his client. I would suggest that, perhaps, his current state of passion is brought about in no small degree by the pressure brought upon him by speaking before your excellencies presence's. I must admit that even, I, am feeling no small amount of trepidation while addressing your majesties and the lovely ladies of your courtroom."

"YOU'RE A BITCH!!!"

"But I digress. It would be both petty and unprofessional of myself to claim that the validity of the defense's arguments is rendered invalid by his personal demeanor, and I would like to humbly remind my Lord, that regardless of the hypothetical and convoluted claims he may have brought about your court in his moments of passion, the defense has no say in the realm of prosecution. Thus is not necessary of him to discover a culprit for this particular crime, simply to defend the innocence of his client."

"HEY DOES IT STINK OVER THERE I BET YOU SMELL AWFUL!"

"And thus it would be most noble of the court to disregard any accusations made, and most proper of myself to address the true and reasonable arguments presented by the defense. If it pleases the court, I will simply re-state the facts of this case, and why I continue to stalwartly believe that the defense's client is the most likely culprit for this heinous act."

The Prosecution is clearly prosecuting you and not your client! Protest! Object!

"I OBJECT!"

The Lord is not pleased.

"SOLICITOR! If I hear one more outburst from you I shall have you HANGED on the SPOT!"

Oh, so that's what that noose above you is for.

>_

Stop yelling about nonsense, you crazy asshole. God.

>Take down the noose! Having a length of rope is sure to be useful.

>Okay, okay. Deeeep breath. Think. What is your client's alibi? You must have some witnesses to call? Evidence? Anything?
>Also stop shouting obscenities and insults. It's not helping the case any, it's annoying the LORD (and maybe THE LORD?), and worst of all, it is the kind of behavior one would expect from HOBO JONES.

Dammit. While Clarion was talking you could have constructed an entire puppet theater from the solicitor's table. Maybe you still can.

Clarion is a handsome, charming example of a man and you should apologize. He has the elegance and natural charisma of a wolf!

He was trying to save your neck over there, not to mention the rest of you. And us, clearly (do we have sentience without you?). Why do you hate him so much, anyway?

Stop yelling about nonsense, you crazy asshole. God.

You muffle the slobbish voice as though it was coming from the bag-bound puppet. You avert your eyes from the LORD (and you guess THE LORD? Just because a guy's always watching you doesn't mean you have to make eye-contact.) Either way, you're pretty embarrassed right now - not to mention terrified to speak up again.

For some reason your "embarrass Clarion while making everyone see what an idiot he is" plan backfired and now you're that much closer to being boned.

Or de-boned. It's really up to the court.

>Take down the noose! Having a length of rope is sure to be useful.

"Lady," you turn to the lacy puppet, "now is not the time to be thinking about your bondage games. Though, it would be nice to have one less possible cause of death hanging above me."

You stand up on your bench and begin to fiddle with the NOOSE. You vaguely recall something bad happening to people who PLAY WITH NOOSES but it doesn't come to mind.

Wow these knots are difficult to undo. It would probably be easier if you didn't have all these PUPPETS on your hand but YOU NEED THEM.

>Okay, okay. Deeeep breath. Think. What is your client's alibi? You must have some witnesses to call? Evidence? Anything?
>Also stop shouting obscenities and insults. It's not helping the case any, it's annoying the LORD (and maybe THE LORD?), and worst of all, it is the kind of behavior one would expect from HOBO JONES.

"Yeah yeah, whatever I know. Andy's alibi is that he's a bumbling idiotic peasant. That is also what makes him a prime suspect. It's easy to blame crimes on peasants. There weren't any WITNESSES other than Andy and the VICTIM and I guess the REAL MURDERER because Andy couldn't have done it because, again, he is an idiot. Andy can't take the stand because he's GLUED TO THE BENCH. It's the LORD's way of making sure suspects don't try and flee. I never really understood that, I mean we're in a cage already, but whatever.

Anyway the case is almost OVER. I can only hope that CLARION SCREWS UP which NEVER HAPPENS.

Dammit. While Clarion was talking you could have constructed an entire puppet theater from the solicitor's table. Maybe you still can.

"I do need to fix up my PUPPET TABLE at home. Maybe if I don't die I can use some of the WOOD?"

You continue fiddling with the NOOSE while Clarion's voice brightens the room like a beam of sunshine.

A beam of sunshine that you HAAAATE.

"As reported by the multiple WITNESSES and the UNDERTAKER, the body of Lucille Copperton, had been brutally dismembered, with every BONE REMOVED and her REMAINS left to decay in the MARKETPLACE.

"Now while the esteemed GUARDS searched for the PERPETRATOR of this HEINOUS act, they discovered the defense's client near the crime scene in the possession of an inordinate amount of BONES. Now, while it is impossible to determine exactly where his grim collection came from. The presence of a HUMAN SKULL among his belongings was by far the most incriminating.


"We are all aware that the common classes have a higher propensity for violence than individuals of your LORDSHIP's status, and while the nature of the crime may come as a shock to the more delicate members of your court, the more sensible individuals will find this as no surprise. It is my belief that poor Lucille Copperton had made the very insensible decision to wonder the STREETS at an unscrupulous hour and met the defense's client, where with, her being a LADY of a gentle nature was no match for his innate BRUTALITY and fell victim to his INSANITY."

"Freakin jerk he KNOWS that couldn't have happened, Scraggly doesn't even SLEEP IN THE CITY" you mutter to yourself.

Clarion is a handsome, charming example of a man and you should apologize. He has the elegance and natural charisma of a wolf!

"Hrmph. 'Wolf' is right. Did you know that's his nickname? 'The Debonair Wolf' Of course you did. It's how I can get away with so many 'dog' insults."

He was trying to save your neck over there, not to mention the rest of you. And us, clearly (do we have sentience without you?).

"No. You're a puppet. Be quiet...

Wait he was what?"

"Now the defense claims that because his client's mental status would preclude him from committing this particular crime. Such a defense is a noble and reasonable endeavor, and I once again encourage your Lordship to look kindly on the man, who has served this court very well."

Why do you hate him so much, anyway?

"But if I may say, it is this very property of his client's deranged mind - one which possesses no moral compass - that committed him towards this wretched dismemberment of his victim. Thus, he is GUILTY BY REASON OF INSANITY. For no man could have performed this crime and still retain their mental faculties. His deranged mind is both the cause and the effect of Miss Copperton's death.

"The prosecution rests its case, and awaits the LORD's judgement."

There is some applause. A few of the more sensitive members of the court dry their eyes. The LORD nods in agreement.

"That is why I hate him. He just has to mouth off and smile and people believe anything he says. He knows they're all a bunch of rubes and he plays it off SO EASILY. His ARGUMENT is RIDICULOUS! 'Both the cause and effect'? What a bunch of BULL! But I'm sure I can turn this around I just need..."

The LORD speaks.

"This case has been completed. It is my judgement that the PEASANT is GUILTY and shall be EXECUTED IMMEDIATELY! The DEFENSE, however, shall be SPARED."

"Wait...wait what? No that's not right..."

>_

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SpoilerHow "the plan" would have worked:

"CLARION YOU SUCK!"

Murmers among the crowd. One enlightened individual: "Hey! Yeah he does suck!" The crowd begins to join in.

"F YOU CLARION!"

"YEAH!" The crowd agrees! They begin to encroach on the Prosecutor, demanding justice.

Then Clarion says :"Oh no blah blah blah I'm all cool and sweet and a nice guy and stuff and lets not hurt anyone today!"

"YOU'RE A BITCH!"

The crowd agrees and recognizes you as the one who freed them from this douchbag's sweet-talking chatterings. You are freed from your cage. Hailed as a hero. Scraggly Andy is freed and you get to marry the kings daughter or something.

And just as the crowd gets ready to murder the joke of a prosecutor.

"HEY DOES IT STINK OVER THERE I BET YOU SMELL AWFUL!"

And in your benevolent mercy you disperse the crowd because DAMN HE STANK and they don't want to murder anything that smells so RANK. Then Clarion runs home to his WIFE who has left him because he is such a failure and gets to live alone with a bunch of puppets FOREVER!


IT WAS THE PERFECT PLAN.

It's like the story of the grasshopper and the ant. The ant buddied up to the grasshopper and then when the grasshopper wasn't expecting it the ant brought him to the swamp to get eaten by a frog, and that taught the mooching commie bastard what's what.

So what I'm saying is offer Clarion a drink. Suggest that the two of you can maybe share tips on stuff or something. Get in his good graces so you can find his darkest secrets and greatest weaknesses.