GRANDMASTER ADVICE COLUMN

Dear GAC,

I tried running a Grand Battle, because I figured it couldn't be all that hard, but when I introduced myself even my Gentlemen started snickering! I don't get it. Is it because I'm a girl? Or was my calculus motif just silly looking?

Sincerely,
The Derivative

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Dear GAC,

So, I followed your advice, was firm with these interlopers, and managed to contain them all to a closet I had handy without too much trouble. However, next thing I know there's a Grandmaster sending me messages through the damn thing, and all he wants to do right now is get the hell out before his contestants do something terrible to him.

It's not like I really give a shit about his plight, even if he has been apologetic and even gone as far as offering all the services he can muster to put my place back in order, but I'm just really worried about the subtext of giving this guy permission to come out of my closet (or forcing him to stay in the closet, as the case may be).

I don't want any trouble or anything, and I mean it's not like I have a personal problem with- with what that subtext might imply! I just feel like despite it being my full right to keep the guy in the closet (the literal closet, not the metaphorical one) until he sorts his shit out, and having to defend myself over subtext is stupid. Right? Right? Right.

Your counsel is urgently sought,
The Gatecrashed

Dear GAC,

Um, some kind of entity beyond even my understanding appeared in my pocket dimension and said vaguely ominous, possibly threatening things, then mentioned something about you.

I'm, uh, pretty unnerved. What should I do about this?

-The YOUR END DRAWS NEAR, COLUMNIST

Dear GAC,

With the application of glitter and positive thinking I turned my cupboard into a magical land, that part went super smoothly it was great. The only thing was it turns out I turned it into the magical land where my contestants vanished off to, so I guess that solves that mystery. Due to some kind of time distillation effect they had been here for a couple of years and were the kings of the place and long story short I'm now locked in a dungeon in a fantasy kingdom I created by my own contestans, please help.

- The Incompetant

Dear Incomp,

Call for help! Certainly someone will find you in your plight and help you. Maybe. If not, pretend to seek repentance. The magic of the land will help you as long as you're repentant. DON'T BE MALICIOUS. The magics of this land will probably end up punishing you if you do. Once you leave through another opening, you can go back to being your malicious self.

-GAC

Dear GAC,

I have reason to believe that your own reasoning and logic concerning many issues and the handling thereof within this advice column is fallacious and based on personal preference rather than critical and lateral thinking and the judicious analysis of outcomes and their causating applications. However, you have clearly stipulated that as an 'advice' column, you are by no means responsible for the consequences of your actions.

One of my colleagues, The Lawyer, related to me an anecdote concerning of of his clients. The client in question, The Neophyte, spent an eternity collecting and collating a billion universes in response to a 'threatening message' originating from this column - specifically you, the Columnist and author. In addition, he was told to wear a cactus on his head, which caused him daily pain. The final result: he was forced into running a battle of his own, a sign that you, the Columnist, had not sent help as claimed.

Therefore I am forced to conclude that your ethical and moral fiber is, while already deficient among Grandmasters, exceptionally flawed. While this is not grounds for preventing the GAC from publication, I must express my own reasoned dislike for your disregarding the consequences of your actions.

Yours,
The Reasoner

Dear Reason,

You're a doodooface.

-GAC

Dear GAC,

So, I followed your advice, was firm with these interlopers, and managed to contain them all to a closet I had handy without too much trouble. However, next thing I know there's a Grandmaster sending me messages through the damn thing, and all he wants to do right now is get the hell out before his contestants do something terrible to him.

It's not like I really give a shit about his plight, even if he has been apologetic and even gone as far as offering all the services he can muster to put my place back in order, but I'm just really worried about the subtext of giving this guy permission to come out of my closet (or forcing him to stay in the closet, as the case may be).

I don't want any trouble or anything, and I mean it's not like I have a personal problem with- with what that subtext might imply! I just feel like despite it being my full right to keep the guy in the closet (the literal closet, not the metaphorical one) until he sorts his shit out, and having to defend myself over subtext is stupid. Right? Right? Right.

Your counsel is urgently sought,
The Gatecrashed

Dear Gate,

The obvious solution is to go into the closet with him. And then beat him and every single one of those contestants to a PULP. If it just so happens that you find yourself in a magical land, you could, like conquer it, too. Having done such manly acts, you won't feel so bad about coming out of the closet, or allowing the other person (if he's still alive) to come out, too. Once you've achieved a certain level of manliness, you won't need to worry about closets anymore.

-GAC

Dear GAC,

Um, some kind of entity beyond even my understanding appeared in my pocket dimension and said vaguely ominous, possibly threatening things, then mentioned something about you.

I'm, uh, pretty unnerved. What should I do about this?

-The YOUR END DRAWS NEAR, COLUMNIST

Dear END,

Have you tried exorcism? If not, go try an exorcism RIGHT NOW. If you have, try to resolve whatever deed the spirit wants done and it might leave. If its something objectionable or evil, such as murder, kill yourself rather than allow Dark Spirits to take over your goals in life. Hopefully you might come back. There are dark spirits and things involved, after all.

-GAC

Dear GAC,

I tried running a Grand Battle, because I figured it couldn't be all that hard, but when I introduced myself even my Gentlemen started snickering! I don't get it. Is it because I'm a girl? Or was my calculus motif just silly looking?

Sincerely,
The Derivative

Dear Deriv,

Hahahahhhaahhahaaaaaaaaaaa

-GAC

Dear GAC,

I've got a sort of... infection. I think it may be magical. Can you tell me how to deal with it?

Urgently awaiting your response,
-The Cabinet

'Dear' Columnist,

I waited for you outside the theater for forty-five infinitellia. Forty-five, and you never showed. I kept telling myself, 'oh, he'll be here any eternity now - ANY MOMENT NOW I SAY' and I'd close my eyes and count to a billion and you still weren't there when I opened them. How could you have been so selfish?! You couldn't have called? Sent The Messenger along (I'd probably have shot him, but it's the thought that counts, you little bitch)? The theater'd become dust by the time I twigged you weren't going to show. I couldn't even contact you normally, which is why I'm writing you this; I'm trying to be reasonable but WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU?!

If you answer snarkily I swear I will fucking chop off and stick your omnipotent genitals in a blender and then feed it to you in the form of a bloody milkshake,
The Scorned

Dear Gakk,

Help! Against the advice of my friends, I started a Grand Battle with three thousand contestants (I swear, it seemed like a good idea at the time), and now they've all broken loose and are having orgies and beating up the Gentleman and all that nonsense. Do you have any idea how I can get this situation under control?

P.S. I am going to you for advice by the suggestion of one of the contestants, on the condition that he gets to win the battle when I get rid of everyone else. I think that seems reasonable enough.

Sincerely, The Ambition

dear gac

i started a battle but then it ended but then one of my contestants became a grandmaster and left and now i have nothing to do what should I do????

the Awesome

dear colomnist,

Bitches ain't postin.

How do I connect with them in a way to encourage their postings but also in a way that fits with my supposedly busy schedule?

I'm considering tattoos. Maybe just because I watched that episode of the office and it seemed to work for them?

<3 Nanny.