GRANDMASTER ADVICE COLUMN

By a Grandmaster, for grandmasters!

Hello! I'm the Columnist. I've heard that many omnicidal maniacs out there have been experiencing issues running eight person battles to the death across the multiverse, and running their affairs in general. No worries, I'm here to help!

All you aspiring grandmasters, just ask me a question, and I'll make sure to respond and give you the best answers possible! Thanks for reading XOXO

-The Columnist

Dear GAC
Is it frowned upon to murder my contestants directly?
I just get sort of a thrill from it.
-Hope to Hear From You Soon
--The Murdererer

Dear GAC
Is it frowned upon to murder my contestants directly?
I just get sort of a thrill from it.
-Hope to Hear From You Soon
--The Murdererer

Dear Murder-

Murdering people directly is a perfectly healthy and sociable behavior, in the right situations. Unfortunately, a Battle is not one of these situations! If you'd rather just to kill people outright all the time, I suggest you just start a torture dungeon instead of dealing with a grand battle. No one will judge you, AND you get to keep killing!

-GAC

Dear The Advisor,

I've been running a contest to get a great chef to make a meal for me, but none of them have cooked anything in months! How can I persuade them to work faster? I'm getting hungry here!

The Gourmet

Grandmaster Advice Column,

I've run into an acquaintance who insisted on killing his contestants instead of letting them run a Grand Battle, but stopped because some pernickety little self-righteous contributor to his local trash-rag told him to stop. Can you tell me the appropriate course of action with this little upstart?

Kind Regards

Journal Burner

Dear The Advisor,

I've been running a contest to get a great chef to make a meal for me, but none of them have cooked anything in months! How can I persuade them to work faster? I'm getting hungry here!

The Gourmet

Gourmet,

What you have to do, obviously, is hire a starwhale to get on their backs. Starwhales are known to be efficient managers and are able to get things done fairly quickly and well. If you have a starwhale accost them, telling them to make gourmet food, then they will certainly clean up their act!

-GAC

Grandmaster Advice Column,

I've run into an acquaintance who insisted on killing his contestants instead of letting them run a Grand Battle, but stopped because some pernickety little self-righteous contributor to his local trash-rag told him to stop. Can you tell me the appropriate course of action with this little upstart?

Kind Regards

Journal Burner

Dear Burn,

The obvious answer is to punch all of the idiots involved in the face. This will solve this problem in every way,

-GAC

Dear GAC,

I'm a long-time reader, first-time writer. Lately, someone on my interdimensional mail route (name omitted - ed.) has been waiting outside a certain pocket dimension every day to deck me in the face. It's not even his address! He just waits there to punch me and then goes home. Then when I visit his dimension, he just takes his mail with a smile like nothing's happened.

I've tried coming in late or early, but he waits outside in the endless void with a lawn chair and a smoldering pile of newspapers. I can't go on dealing with this, but I can't quit my job, either! What do I do?

Thanks in advance!

- The Courier

Dear GAC,

I'm a long-time reader, first-time writer. Lately, someone on my interdimensional mail route (name omitted - ed.) has been waiting outside a certain pocket dimension every day to deck me in the face. It's not even his address! He just waits there to punch me and then goes home. Then when I visit his dimension, he just takes his mail with a smile like nothing's happened.

I've tried coming in late or early, but he waits outside in the endless void with a lawn chair and a smoldering pile of newspapers. I can't go on dealing with this, but I can't quit my job, either! What do I do?

Thanks in advance!

- The Courier

I have two suggestions for you. Either you

A) Create a Battle to the death and live off of the profits, or to simply flaunt in the puncher's face.

or

B) If all else fails, PUNCH BACK.

Dear GAC:

One of my contestants tapped into a source of incredible power and is about to figure out how to break through the dimensional barriers to come and find me and they aren't happy.

What's the best way to prepare for their arrival? I tried warping them into a sun, but they'd already figured out how to block my influence from that dimension.

Please answer quickly,
The Unprepared

Dear Columnist

I'm new to these Grand Battles things, and it makes me kind of sad to see people killing one another for no real reason? What should I do?

Yours bewilderedly,
The Dreamer

Dear GAC,

I-I-

T-they've forced me into this. I didn't want to do it. Everyone's...everyone's out to get me. Just b-because they want to...because they w-want to see what h-happens, what happens w-when you put someone...someone wh-who...

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO

H-how am I supposed to find eight battlers?! I d-don't even-

They j-just want to see me fail, don't they?! It's all p-part of a l-larger m-metagrand, I-I just know it! Th-they just w-want me out! They d-don't want me! L-last in first out, that's all they want!

I N-N-NEED HELP

S-signed,
The Neophyte

GAC ERROR REPORT OF SESSION 8301 RE: GBCE FATAL CRASH
MINI GRAND HAS COME TO STANDSTILL AFTER MUTUAL TRUCE EXCLAIMED BY CONTESTANTS

Dear GAC,

I tried running a Grand Battle, because I figured it couldn't be all that hard, but when I introduced myself even my Grandmasters started snickering! I don't get it. Is it because I'm a girl? Or was my miner motif just silly looking?

Sincerely,
The Golddigger

Dear GAC:

One of my contestants tapped into a source of incredible power and is about to figure out how to break through the dimensional barriers to come and find me and they aren't happy.

What's the best way to prepare for their arrival? I tried warping them into a sun, but they'd already figured out how to block my influence from that dimension.

Please answer quickly,
The Unprepared

Dear Unprepared,

Thankfully, if you've set up a level 4 dimensional barrier or higher, the contestant will be so tired out by the time he reaches you, that you can pretty much just kick him while he's on the ground a few times and then he's dead. Actually, rejoice! What this probably means is that the round is about to end and you get to show the contestants a new, pretty setting for them to destroy.

If your contestant has reached, like, a power level more powerful than a grandmaster, or you have less than a level 4 dimensional barrier there's nothing you can really do besides die with whatever scrap of honor you may have left you WEAKLING.

-GAC

Dear Columnist

I'm new to these Grand Battles things, and it makes me kind of sad to see people killing one another for no real reason? What should I do?

Yours bewilderedly,
The Dreamer

Dear Dreamer,

Finally! Someone used my actual name instead of GAC or whatever stupid abbreviation or something.

-GAC

Dear GAC,

I-I-

T-they've forced me into this. I didn't want to do it. Everyone's...everyone's out to get me. Just b-because they want to...because they w-want to see what h-happens, what happens w-when you put someone...someone wh-who...

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO

H-how am I supposed to find eight battlers?! I d-don't even-

They j-just want to see me fail, don't they?! It's all p-part of a l-larger m-metagrand, I-I just know it! Th-they just w-want me out! They d-don't want me! L-last in first out, that's all they want!

I N-N-NEED HELP

S-signed,
The Neophyte

Dear Neo,

Every single line of this message is true. If you deliver a billion universes to my door within the next 30 days, I can send help and your life will be spared. Also, you must constantly wear a cactus on your head, or THEY WILL GET YOU.

-GAC

GAC ERROR REPORT OF SESSION 8301 RE: GBCE FATAL CRASH
MINI GRAND HAS COME TO STANDSTILL AFTER MUTUAL TRUCE EXCLAIMED BY CONTESTANTS

The Columnist does not respond to spambots.

-The Managment

Dear GAC,

I tried running a Grand Battle, because I figured it couldn't be all that hard, but when I introduced myself even my Grandmasters started snickering! I don't get it. Is it because I'm a girl? Or was my miner motif just silly looking?

Sincerely,
The Golddigger

Dear digger,

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

-GAC

Dear GAC

I accidentally teleported my contestants into the wrong location and now I don't know where they are. What do I do?

- The Incompetant

Dear GAC

So my friend the Trendsetter was telling me about these Grand Battle things that were going down, even though he knows that I'm strictly a dimensions-hopper, not a trawler like his ilk. Next thing I know, there's eight complete randoms running amok in my pocket dimension, and I've got no idea how they got there! I'm tempted to just take them for my own, but am unsure about how multidimensional property law works in places without linear space or time.

Regards,

The Gatecrashed

Dear GAC

I accidentally teleported my contestants into the wrong location and now I don't know where they are. What do I do?

- The Incompetant

Dear Incomp,

First of all DON'T PANIC. Panicking could completely ruin the situation. Hopefully, they'll have been teleported somewhere where they instantly died or someplace they can't escape and find you from. Hope to dear god that you haven't teleported them into someone else's space, and if you did, hopefully one that won't try to kill you for it. Now, there's nothing you can do to locate them. So, uh, make clones or alternate universe versions of them and pretend that nothing happened in the first place.

-GAC

Dear GAC

So my friend the Trendsetter was telling me about these Grand Battle things that were going down, even though he knows that I'm strictly a dimensions-hopper, not a trawler like his ilk. Next thing I know, there's eight complete randoms running amok in my pocket dimension, and I've got no idea how they got there! I'm tempted to just take them for my own, but am unsure about how multidimensional property law works in places without linear space or time.

Regards,

The Gatecrashed

Dear Gate,

First of all DON'T PANIC. Panicking could result in one or more of the contestants panicking also and they could totally ruin your stuff. No one wants that. Hopefully, you'll be able to lock all of them in one place, like a closet or your guest bedroom. Hope to dear god that they haven't gotten into the kitchen or Mad Science labs. Now, you can't really steal their contestants because oh gosh what if that guy comes looking for you and he like vaporizes you? Just keep them locked in the closet, hopefully, it was intentional. One of them will die, and the grandmaster will teleport them away. If not, and all but one die, just kill that last guy. He'll be a piece of cake. Also, start doing some research and find the jerk who teleported contestants into your personal space! If he doesn't look to tough, beat him up. Repeatedly.

-GAC

Dear GAC

I tried cloning my contestants and I ended up with a pile of sludge that ate my shoe and I have had to barricade myself in a cupboard. What do?

- The Incompetant

Dear Columnist

As of recent, I have been noticing a large amount of people who are stealing my image by punching the shit out of each other.
That is what I do!
How can I get back the monopoly on solving all of problems with fists?

Thanks in advance
-The Puncher

Dear Columnist

Like all sensible superentities, I named myself after a significant facet of my personality arising from an event that happened long in the past.
When I eventually turned to hosting my own Grand Battle I made the... mistake of sending some of my contestants back in time to my own formative years and they inadvertently managed to completely rewrite that part of my history. The event I named myself after never even happened, in fact I can't even remember what it was!
I don't even know what to call myself any more! What should I do?

Yours desperately,
The

COLUMNIST

IS THAT WHAT YOU NOW CALL YOURSELF

I KNOW YOUR TRUE NATURE

YOUR CRIMES SHALL NOT GO UNPUNISHED

THIS IS NOT A WARNING

THIS IS A PROPHECY

YOU CAN NEVER TRULY ESCAPE

Dear GAC,

[redacted]

The [redacted]

Dear GAC

I tried cloning my contestants and I ended up with a pile of sludge that ate my shoe and I have had to barricade myself in a cupboard. What do?

- The Incompetant

Dear Incomp,

Oh? You're in a cupboard? You may be able to get out of this situation yet! Simply turn your cupboard into a magical gateway to a fantasy land, conquer it brutally, and make it your home! Then seal the region you entered off as a wasteland for no one to enter, ever.

-GAC.

Dear Columnist

As of recent, I have been noticing a large amount of people who are stealing my image by punching the shit out of each other.
That is what I do!
How can I get back the monopoly on solving all of problems with fists?

Thanks in advance
-The Puncher

Dear Punch,

Unfortunately, punching people who know how to punch tend to punch back. If you think you have the fistpower, try to punch all those punching posers into punching submission. If this does not work, become representative of another kind of violence, such as The Kicker or The Garroter.

Dear Columnist

Like all sensible superentities, I named myself after a significant facet of my personality arising from an event that happened long in the past.
When I eventually turned to hosting my own Grand Battle I made the... mistake of sending some of my contestants back in time to my own formative years and they inadvertently managed to completely rewrite that part of my history. The event I named myself after never even happened, in fact I can't even remember what it was!
I don't even know what to call myself any more! What should I do?

Yours desperately,
The

Dear ,

The obvious solution to the problem is to travel back in time and have another influential event happen to you. This has several distinct advantages, including being able to choose your name again! Some people end up with names that honestly aren't all that great, so, if you have the opportunity, try to cause a name change! Plus, there's always a possibility that the action you are going to do in the past was the action you named yourself around all along. Make sure to kill one of those pesky contestants, too!

-GAC

COLUMNIST

IS THAT WHAT YOU NOW CALL YOURSELF

I KNOW YOUR TRUE NATURE

YOUR CRIMES SHALL NOT GO UNPUNISHED

THIS IS NOT A WARNING

THIS IS A PROPHECY

YOU CAN NEVER TRULY ESCAPE

BRING IT.

-The Management

Dear GAC,

[redacted]

The [redacted]

Dear [redacted],

[redacted]

-GAC

Dear GAC,

With the application of glitter and positive thinking I turned my cupboard into a magical land, that part went super smoothly it was great. The only thing was it turns out I turned it into the magical land where my contestants vanished off to, so I guess that solves that mystery. Due to some kind of time distillation effect they had been here for a couple of years and were the kings of the place and long story short I'm now locked in a dungeon in a fantasy kingdom I created by my own contestans, please help.

- The Incompetant

Dear GAC,

I have reason to believe that your own reasoning and logic concerning many issues and the handling thereof within this advice column is fallacious and based on personal preference rather than critical and lateral thinking and the judicious analysis of outcomes and their causating applications. However, you have clearly stipulated that as an 'advice' column, you are by no means responsible for the consequences of your actions.

One of my colleagues, The Lawyer, related to me an anecdote concerning of of his clients. The client in question, The Neophyte, spent an eternity collecting and collating a billion universes in response to a 'threatening message' originating from this column - specifically you, the Columnist and author. In addition, he was told to wear a cactus on his head, which caused him daily pain. The final result: he was forced into running a battle of his own, a sign that you, the Columnist, had not sent help as claimed.

Therefore I am forced to conclude that your ethical and moral fiber is, while already deficient among Grandmasters, exceptionally flawed. While this is not grounds for preventing the GAC from publication, I must express my own reasoned dislike for your disregarding the consequences of your actions.

Yours,
The Reasoner