Zoostuck 3

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deliver my mail

You do have a lot of mail to deliver, and this whole lunar/solar takeover has made it hard to tell which address belongs to which person. So you may as well take this opportunity to delegate, considering these guys are a big part of the reason the addresses are such a mess.

You tell a bunch of soldiers to deliver mail for you, but it turns out there are a lot more soldiers than you thought and before you know it you've run out of mail bags but you still have a lot of soldiers waiting for orders.

lick stamps, eternally.

So you just tell them to lick stamps. Mostly this is to keep them busy.


What? No, you'd never order such a thing. That would be a breach of the trust the public grants you as a postman.

But, uh, it seems the soldiers didn't take the oath so they're opening the mail and delivering you reports about the contents.

Well, you're not dealing with this. So you just tell about a third of the soldiers you've got pointlessly licking stamps to read the reports instead. Whatever laws they're breaking are their problem, not yours.

You are now a soldier who has been assigned to deliver mail. You've got a letter that's supposed to go to someone in Denmark, but it's just labelled "Mark".

How are you going to figure out who to give it to?

you need common marx

you need common marx

You have no idea what that means.

So instead, you go through a mysterious gateway to a surprisingly empty other-dimensional battlefield surrounded by ocean, except for one pathway to Denmark, which you take. You're not sure how you figured out it was there, but it's not like you had any better ideas.

You then ask where Mark is and everyone raises their hand at once. Well. This will either be easier than you thought or significantly harder.

You decide to go with "easier" and give the letter to the nearest person.

You are now the nearest person.

Specifically, you are Mark Edgebert, because you were banished to Denmark upon your death and now some fool has reconnected it with the universe, though indirectly, bringing you back into the world of the living.

And now you have to reclaim YOUR universe, but it seems someone else is controlling it by virtue of being cooler than you.

Clearly you cannot let this stand.

But first, you have a letter to read. What does it say?

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it's just an empty envelope

it's just an empty envelope

What is this? There's no letter inside. This is an outrage, and once you re-establish control of the universe you will deal with whoever is responsible for this travesty.

Oh, wait, there seems to be some writing on the inside of the envelope. Who even does that?

"and a shiggy diggy doo to you too

love. Scoob"

This doesn't make any sense. Who or what is a Scoob? And since when have you ever given any support to anybody?

This had better not be yet another manipulative behind-the-scenes schemer. You decide to see just who sent this letter, by checking the return address.

It says, "THE PARTY," and lists some address in some town called Porlock. Oh, wonderful. The Party. They're probably some stupid council that hides in the shadows and speaks about their plans in incredibly vague terms until the protagonist finds out about them. That is exactly the sort of manipulator that this universe doesn't need.

So you head off to Porlock, being far too uncreative to find it at all strange that a secretive evil council would just put their address on an envelope.

You are now Zoosmell Pooplord and you're at this party and you're all still recovering from when you knocked out the guy with the moonglasses. The guy who used to run the universe just showed up, and he seems really mad. He's shouting about how you, of all people, are involved with the Party and how that shouldn't be even remotely possible.

You have no idea what he's talking about. Maybe he's just mad he wasn't invited to the party. Anyways, what are you going to do about him?

hardly party

invite him to the party

invite him to the party

Oh, yeah! If he's mad about not being invited to the party, then you should ask him. After all, he's the coolest guy you can think of. Well, actually that guy in the weird glasses you knocked out might be a little cooler.

So you ask him if he wants to join the party, and he gets really mad.

"I have no interest in this Party of yours, Pooplord. I will not reduce myself to one name in a crowd. Even leadership of your pathetic group would be beneath me - it would imply that I need them, which I clearly do not."

You have no idea what he's talking about. Does he not like parties or something? Maybe he thinks he's too cool for them?

hardly party

Honestly, this guy's getting you down. The party's been pretty great, even if it is in Denmark (and you're still not sure why exactly that bothers you, but it does) but with all of the cool guy's shouting, you just don't feel like partying that much. In fact, nobody else seems to either.

You are now Mark-actually-Debbie Downer and you are really mad. Who does this guy think he is, ruining the party you were going to ruin? There's no way you'll be able to salvage your relationship with this blanket as part of a contrived scheme to change your name back if the party is ruined without you.

Well, you're not going to let this jerk get away with this. What are you going to do to him?

party, hardwise

switch to trying to make the party really great

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switch to trying to make the party really great

One thing immediately becomes clear. You have to save this party in order to ruin it. The thought disgusts you as a matter of principle, but you sure you'll get over it once you make sure everyone else is having a miserable time.

For now, though, you have to make this a party to be proud of. And that calls for drastic measures.


First of all, you pull out the Superman poster that you've been carrying with you for as long as you can remember. You were never quite sure why, but it seems clear that now is the moment for it.

You pin it up on the wall, and the party is saved!

Except, nobody seems to be noticing. Goddamn it, Superman, if you can't save one freaking party how are you going to save a whole dang planet?

party, hardwise

Well, if Superman's not going to do it for you, you'll just have to take matters into your own hands. You're going to show all these losers that you may hate parties, but you're a better partier than all of them put together.

So you challenge the party-ruining jerk to a dance-off. Naturally, because he's a jerk and convinced he's better than everyone else, he accepts.

Or at least, you're pretty sure he's accepting. It's hard to tell because he's still ranting about parties and the universe and how much he hates Denmark.

kill them metaphorically on the dancefloor and literally with a knife

So you dance. You dance like you've never danced before, which isn't that hard because you've never danced before.

It's not all that impressive, really, but it's still way better than what the other jerk can do. He's just kind of storming around angrily.

Wait. Did he not accept after all? What a jerk! You embarrassed yourself for nothing! Well, then, you'll make him suffer for that.

You grab a knife from a nearby cake and just stab him through the heart and...

Wait, he's not dead.

In fact, he's just laughing about how he can't be killed, ugh, this is so stupid. Screw this, the party's already ruined, you're just going to watch TV.

You turn the TV on and, ugh, it's the news. There's a big announcement about how some guy named Will Smith has just claimed the throne of Denmark and outlawed cheese. Whatever, you don't care about cheese.

Also he's apparently outlawed the party you're at. Oh, great. Now the cops are going to raid the place and that always makes a party better. What a jerk that new king is.

Oh, and apparently he's keeping the previous king's Mark laws in place but not applying him to himself.

Now that is the last straw. You hate this new king guy so much.

You are now King Will Smith of Denmark, and frankly your plans advanced way faster than you expected.

You were thinking you'd have to take over one country at a time and ban cheese in each of them individually, but it turns out once you took over Denmark most of the people in the universe started hating you before you even passed any stupid laws.

In fact, as far as you can tell there's only one person left in the universe who doesn't hate you. You'll have to take care of that before you can get yourself killed.

So who's the last person whose hatred you have to earn?

King Will Smith of Denmark

chwoka

King Will Smith of Denmark

Ah. Of course.

You aren't actually sure if hating yourself is a requirement of the procedure, but it's better to be safe. Unfortunately, you're restrained from truly hating yourself because you believe your harsh actions are necessary, and that the harm you're causing others is not what you truly desire.

In short, you have in many ways resigned yourself to your fate of being the single most despised person in the universe. Perhaps if you could bring yourself to believe there was another way, a better way, you could hate yourself for pursuing this one.

But you weren't actually thinking about yourself when you reviewed your universal hatred status. You were picking up someone else who, for whatever strange reason, doesn't hate you.

chwoka

And you've realized why you're having trouble locating them. It's not a person - it's the Chwoka Has Won Officially, Kid, Ahahahahahahahahahaha corporation, which has evidently attained sentience.

And it doesn't hate you. You'll have to earn its hatred. Preferably in a way that earns your own hatred at the same time, just to be sure.

So how are you going to do that and complete your goal of attaining universal hatred?

become me

buy stocks

become me

Of course. If you can become one with this Chwoka corporation, you can earn its hatred and yours at the same time. That will make things so much more convenient!

But how are you going to do that?

buy stocks

That's right! It's a corporation! If you buy up all the stock in it, then you'll become the corporation. You're pretty sure that's how economics works.

But you need to get the money to do that. And how are you going to pull that off? You'd need, like, the entire contents of a national treasury to buy up a corporation by yourself.

Wait, that's it!

Start a meme themed cryptocurrency

You'll start your own digital currency and declare it super-valuable! Because that's definitely how economics works.

But suddenly the Snailman you created some time back bursts into the room and says he already did that, so he's not going to let you. Well, crud.

Oh, wait a minute. You don't need money for this plan after all, do you. You already know how to merge two separate entities! The only problem is that a sentient corporation isn't really a physical thing, but that's only a minor detail. For one thing, it means you can claim that the corporation is already here in the room with you, making it easier.

You are now the Will Smith Corporation. And you have a problem.

You hold no emotions, yet your mission statement includes becoming the subject of your own hate. Also you then have to be destroyed, which contradicts several of your other objectives, but you don't have the emotions to be bothered by that issue.

How can you become capable of hate so that you can destroy yourself and satisfy your objectives?

learn to love

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boy stucks

learn to love

Suddenly, it all becomes clear. In order to hate, you must first learn to love.

But what can a corporation love - oh, wait, money. That's right. So you just need to learn to feel the opposite way about yourself that you do about money.

And you have no idea how to do that.


So you decide to save some time by acquiring one of your greatest rivals, and more importantly, their hatred towards you. Except, you don't actually know who these rivals are... oh, right, you drove them all out of business.

So you'll have to start up an entirely new corporation that hates you and then acquire it. That shouldn't be too hard, since everyone else already hates you. But you're not sure how you can start up a new corporation without it being part of you. For one thing, what would you even call it?

boy stucks

Yeah, that'll work.

You are now the newly-created Boy Stucks corporation. You consist of several woefully-underpaid employees who all hate the Will Smith Corporation, which is also the King of Denmark.

Naturally, this means you share this hatred, but you're also facing an absurdly generous buyout offer from the Will Smith Corporation and they won't take no for an answer.

So what are you going to do?

give them on for an answer