Zoostuck 3

touch shoes

You touch your shoes to the strange lady's shoes to see if anything happens. There's a big flash of light and...

And suddenly, you feel like you can move really, really fast. Or at least, your shoes can. Which are on your hands right now and...

You hear another, louder groan under the car. You guess you should take care of this guy you're fighting.

(about time)

kick him while he's down

You promptly KICK THE WEBCOMIC AUTHOR IN THE FACE WITH YOUR FISTS. RAPIDLY AND REPEATEDLY. This turns out to be quite effective; after a while he just falls to the ground, groaning.

Huh. That was easier than you expected. You hope there isn't another super-powerful entity who was really behind it all the whole time... oh, dammit, yes there was and now they've shown up to gloat.

So who's the really-for-real final opponent you have to face now?

the world's greatest will smith caricature

actually, there is none. there's no more battling to be done

he's been here all along

actually, there is none. there's no more battling to be done

Oh, wait. You didn't see anyone after all. Well, that's good, you guess. You were kind of hoping winning the final climactic battle would somehow fix up the universe after Edgebert made a mess of it, but saving it from all the various manipulative forces is good too. You can probably get by in this version of the universe as long as it's not subject to the will of one talentless hack.

Anyways, you hear the lady who got out of the car mention something about a party, which sounds like a good thing to do after you've stopped the universe from being rebooted into some webcomic artist's supposed masterpiece. You ask if you can get a ride. So do all these other people who were around for the battle and probably contributed at some point, or something. It's all a blur to you.

The lady shrugs and tells you to get in. You do, and then you all drive off somewhere. Whoo! Party!

he's been here all along

You are now the true final opponent. But you're not ready for the last confrontation. Not yet. You have to clean up a few things.

First of all, you need to clarify your motivations. Which will be easier if you begin with who you are.

the world's greatest will smith caricature

You are Will Smith.

Except this was not always true. The name was thrust upon you once, an entire universe ago. You never quite understood why, even as a strange series of events unfolded around you.

And then the world changed. And you remembered. You were very confused, but eventually you managed to understand it.

Your new name protects you from changes to the universe. You were the cat's backup plan. If the universe changed, you would be unaffected, and could work to restore the old one.

But you also came to realize that the restoration would come at a great cost. A greater cost than the mere loss of this current universe. If anyone else knew of this cost, they would surely stand in your way, even if they wanted the old universe back. That is why you know that, in time, you and Pooplord will face each other in battle.

What is the tremendous cost that must be borne to restore things to the way they were?

you have to die while hated

you have to die while hated

Yes. You can only restore the old universe by attaining the hatred of every individual being in this universe, and then dying. But no one must know of this burden you bear - they would surely take pity on you, ruining the whole plan.

You haven't really gotten very far with this plan yet, though. Almost nobody even knows you exist, so they can't really hate you yet, unless they hate everyone on principle. How will you begin your quest to be despised by all?

try going to the party and bein' a total wet blanket, debbie downer, party pooper type

This world will have no cheese.

support the one thing everybody in the world unanimously hates

try going to the party and bein' a total wet blanket, debbie downer, party pooper type

Yes, of course. Ruining a party is sure to give a big hit to your reputation. And the more people at the party and the more spectacular your disruption, the more word will spread not to invite you to parties.

But that won't make you universally hated. You'd become a hero to people who can't stand parties, for instance. Still, it should make you better known, which should help you in doing something truly despicable.

support the one thing everybody in the world unanimously hates

It then occurs to you that Edgebert's lack of creativity provides you with a perfect opportunity. Whatever he hates, everyone else hates. Of course, he's no longer in charge of the universe, but the rules he set up will still be in place. Only those immune to his influence would have any chance of not hating you, and there should be few enough of those people to handle them individually.

Now, what does Edgebert feel so strongly about that he would have made it a fundamental rule of the universe to have everyone else share his views?

This world will have no cheese.

Of course. Edgebert loved cheese. And so does everyone else.

So, once you're known by enough people, knowledge of your plans to remove all cheese from the universe will spread, and everyone will despise you. This also gives you a way to ruin the party. Now you just have to get there.

How are you going to do that?

hop in the trunk of the cop car

Go back to the future

find an underground passageway

hop in the trunk of the cop car

Yes! You'll just sneak into the trunk of the car... that just drove off... well, shoot. You really need to think of these plans sooner.

Go back to the future

Wait, that's it! There's a time-travelling car here! You can use it to go to the future and tell yourself to get in the cop car before it drives off! You promptly do that and...

Oh, right, that's the past, not the future, you keep getting those mixed up. You can only hope you're not so far in the future that the party's already a huge success. You're going to need another plan, but what can you do? How are you going to get to the party in time when all you have is a vehicle that can travel through time?

find an underground passageway

Of course! You'll use the secret underground passageway that no doubt exists! That's sure to be faster! You just need to, uh, dig it up...

Wait a minute. Where did the guys who were vanquished in climactic battles go? You don't see either of their bodies here, and you only traveled about fifteen minutes into the future, which you're pretty sure isn't fast enough for them to decompose.

And, um. Why did the time-travelling car just vanish in a flash of light?

You suddenly feel like you may have messed up this whole "true mastermind behind everything" job.

You are now someone in the distant past. You just saw a car appear out of nowhere right in front of your eyes, which is really surprising because you're pretty sure cars haven't been invented yet.

Who are you and what time period do you live in?

theodore roosevelt, panama canal o'clock

JOHN CENA, FOREMAN OF THE HOTSAUCE MINES

You are the beginning of everything

theodore roosevelt, panama canal o'clock

Of course. You're Teddy Roosevelt and you just saw either the solar or lunar air force blow a rock apart, and now this car has appeared out of nowhere. As some kid and a webcomic author step out of it, you grab them and put them to work on the Panama Canal. They're sure to speed up the digging!

You are now the evil Spinjitsu master, and ugh. You just finished disposing of Jogh Edgebert's future self returned from the grave, but now you've got these two troublemakers coming in from the future. Whatever they're doing is sure to ruin your plans in some way, so you'd better deal with them now.

But how will you do that without drawing unwanted attention from Roosevelt? At this point, he's powerful enough to pose an actual threat to you.

go get his fifth cousin frankie to rouse up dmx's ruff riders

cripple his spinjitsu by taking advantage of his pride

tell him that they're spies

tell him that they're spies

He already thinks they're spies, judging by the way he's yelling at them for spying on him in their newfangled car gizmo. Apparently this is his punishment for them.

But you can't just leave this problem up to Roosevelt. He has no idea what they're capable of if left unchecked, and worse, if he actually decides to prosecute them, the resulting records might serve as warnings to them in the future. No, it's better to take care of loose time travel threads right here and now before there can be any sort of official records of their existence.

cripple his spinjitsu by taking advantage of his pride

Like that's easy. His pride is clearly what makes his spinjitsu so strong. Oh, sure, you might be able to pull off a minor manipulation or two, but he'd just spinjitsu his way out of whatever problem you pointed him towards and come out of it with even more pride, and consequently even more spinjitsu power.

You could, hypothetically, point him at these interlopers and get him to destroy them. But in the long term, an even stronger Teddy Roosevelt can mean nothing but trouble for your plans.

go get his fifth cousin frankie to rouse up dmx's ruff riders

Fortunately, an idea comes to you. The one thing powerful enough to stand up to a Roosevelt: another Roosevelt. In a family scuffle, his pride will be neutralized, for his relative will be just as proud.

But it's not going to be that simple. You're going to have to provoke an argument over something. How are you going to do that?

Put one thing inside of something else larger than it. This never fails to start a brawl.

come back and take care of america

make america great again