Zoostuck 3

obviously the one where you went deep into enemy territory to retrieve the 'Bucket O' Meat', a valuable relic from your company's traveling kitchen. or something

The one where you hid in a cupboard

numero uno

Ah, yes. You remember the day well. It was cold, and bleak, and filled with the sounds of gunfire.

You had a mission: to sneak into the enemy's cupboard, designated Numero Uno, and retrieve the Bucket O' Meat from their nefarious grasp. Yes, your struggles with the health inspectors were always fraught with peril, but you were up to the challenge.

Of course, the first step was infiltrating their heavily-guarded facility. You'd managed to get the plans in your previous thrilling adventure, though just barely, and it took you and your men weeks of looking them over before you had the brilliant idea to... to...

What was it you did, again? You're sure you'll remember it in a minute.

You remembered.

You actually were the enemy. It is us.

leave the bunker

You remembered.

You actually were the enemy. It is us.

Of course. It all came back to you in a flash.

You were an infiltrator sent by the health inspectors. But you were in so deep that you'd gone native. You had no sympathy for your old side any more.

And they didn't know that.

leave the bunker

So you left. Your men followed you, and you led them right into a trap. They were captured and taken to the facility, with the health inspectors congratulating you all the way.

They had no idea what you planned to do once you arrived.

What was that, again?

just because they had no idea what you planned to do next doesn't mean YOU had any idea either

just because they had no idea what you planned to do next doesn't mean YOU had any idea either

Yes, of course. You were going to use the most difficult plan to defend against: no plan at all. They'd never see it coming!

Except they'd apparently seen something coming, because when you arrived and stepped out of the truck, you were greeted, not with the fanfare of a conquering hero, but by the barrels of two dozen rifles. Too many for a twenty-one gun salute, you couldn't help but notice.

Maybe it would have been a good idea to have a plan for this after all. But you didn't have much time to consider that, because a superior officer was marching towards you and demanding to know just why it had taken you so damn long to do anything, you had better have one hell of a report for him.

Of course, since you'd been kind of winging this whole job from the beginning, you didn't actually have a report. You were going to need a really, really good excuse to get out of this bind.

Now, what was it you told the commanding officer again?

you told of the exciting future days when you will manage a taco bell

you told of the exciting future days when you will manage a taco bell

Yes, it's all coming back to you now. You told them a story. A story of how, one day, you would manage a Taco Bell in the middle of nowhere, on the outskirts of the Spooky Woods that lead to the Badlands. How you would boldly wait there despite a lack of customers, so that when someone eventually showed up, you would feed him and regale him with stories of this day, the day when you returned here and told the health inspectors of your dream. Your dream to manage a Taco Bell, where...

You briefly interrupt your flashback as you note that your customer has mysteriously fallen asleep. Just like the health inspectors did back on that fateful day... no, no, you can't continue without an audience, you have to wake him up so you can tell him about that happening.

How are you going to do that?

hot sauce packets in the eye

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hot sauce packets in the eye

Of course! The old hot-sauce-in-the-eyes-and-ears trick! That always woke your men up back in basic training.

But hang on a minute. You used up the last of the hot sauce in his order. You can't believe you kept forgetting to restock, and also that you used up so much of it in your hot tub.

You promptly get on the phone and... oh, that's right. You didn't restock because whenever you remembered about it, you found the phone didn't work. Well, this is a real pickle! You're going to have to think on what you'd do in this kind of situation back in your army days.

You are now someone driving a delivery truck full of hot sauce. Where are you going, exactly?

to that rad party in porlock

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to that rad party in porlock

That's right, someone ordered these for a big party. For some reason, though, they want you to deliver it to the local pound. Seems like a strange place to keep party supplies, but hey, you're not getting paid to criticize their party planning.

You just need to figure out how to get there. You're not very good at reading maps. You'd ask the guy who got in your truck thinking it was a bus, but seeing as he's blind, he probably can't read maps either.

So how are you going to get there?

You're going to keep driving in a straight line

You're going to keep driving in a straight line

Yeah, why not? If you don't know where you're going, any direction is as good as any other, so why bother turning?

Twenty minutes later, you're driving through a department store and all the screams are really getting on your nerves. You'd think they could at least appreciate the fact that you're honking your horn.

You are now the floor manager of this department store. A big truck is driving through your floor and scaring all the customers, not to mention damaging a lot of the merchandise. Only one question is on your mind now.

Just how many vacation days should you take to get away from this?

just enough to go to that rad party in porlock

you dont get vacation time

negative three

you dont get vacation time

negative three

Oh, right. You're in so much trouble for skipping out on work any time something goes wrong that you've been docked down to negative vacation time.

Then again, what are they going to do if you just take off again? Take more vacation days away? If you're bailing anyways, that doesn't really have much effect.

just enough to go to that rad party in porlock

So you decide to get a lift to this party you heard about in a place called Porlock. But how are you going to get there?

take a road

take a hike

take a road

take a hike

You're not completely sure, because you don't actually take your job all that seriously, but you don't think this store stocks either roads or hikes! Where are you going to find...

CRASH!

Whoops, the truck you were trying not to deal with drove right past your desk and you panicked and jumped onto the hood. On the bright side, that might make it look like you actually tried to solve the problem, at least on the security feed! And hey, who knows, this truck might actually end up in Porlock. Somehow.

You are now the truck driver again. Some idiot just jumped on your hood. Doesn't he know how reckless that is? You should get him off so you can see what's ahead of you as you continue in a completely straight line.

So what are you going to yell at him to get him off your truck?

august