Zoostuck 3

Address everyone.

"The power is the cherry blossom of the sky; the petals fall with grace yet subtlety upon the inky surface of the mill-pond, disturbing the moon."

Address everyone.

"The power is the cherry blossom of the sky; the petals fall with grace yet subtlety upon the inky surface of the mill-pond, disturbing the moon."

Yes, that sounds good. You gather everyone around and share your cryptic wisdom.

Now that you've done that, you can launch your final attack. It will mean your death and won't accomplish anything useful, but it's the proper way to complete your character arc.

You head towards Egbert and start spinning very, very fast.

You are now the lizard-alien. You aren't sure what's going on, but you feel like it probably isn't safe for that human to be spinning so fast. Maybe you should help him.

But what can you do to stop him from spinning at a very unsafe speed? His very clear explanation of the cherry blossom and mill-pond does not seem particularly applicable to this situation.

Join him in the spin spin

Join him in the spin spin

Of course! He's spinning so fast that it would be very dangerous for you to stop him, so you'll just need to spin with him so you can carefully slow him down to a safe speed! You rush in and...

WOWOWOWOWOW he's spinning faster than you thought, you're getting really dizzy. You're finding it hard to hold on...

So you don't. Instead, you go flying right towards the kid in the weird glasses and knock the weird glasses right off him. They bounce around for a bit and land on the dead bat.

Except the bat is not quite so dead.

It is, in fact, quite upset. This was exactly what it was trying to avoid the whole time. The entire purpose of the needlessly complex plan was to render it impossible for this to happen.

And now thanks to the total incompetence of everyone involved in this battle, it has happened. No one, not even the Third Person, is entirely sure what the grave consequences of the Third Person wearing the moonglasses will be.

But the consequences will become immediately apparent in the next update.

Woop zoop it's zoostuck 4

Woop zoop it's zoostuck 4

Yes, it appears that once again, the adventure has failed to reach a satisfactory resolution and will spawn another absurd and nonsensical sequel. This was the grave fate the Third Person was trying to prevent, even at the cost of this universe's existence, and none can deny that it would have been a worthwhile cost to pay.

Now everyone must suffer through another...

You are now Dwayne "The Rock" Zoosmellson. And you are not going to stand for this.

You can feel the universe shifting in your hands, readying itself for another sequel. You know the change is coming soon, but you also know it is not yet inevitable.

If you act now, you may be able to stop the coming horror and allow Zoostuck 3 to reach a proper finale. What will you do?

Nothing

Of course. It's so obvious now.

Your own efforts to intervene would only exacerbate the disaster. As you concentrate, you see a thousand paths laid out before you, and all of them end in failure.

You are the true cause. Any action you take will bring Zoostuck 4 closer to reality. You must, despite your every instinct, do absolutely nothing to alter the events to come. If they unfold without your input, all will be well.

But the process will be trying, and difficult. Many hardships will await the people of this universe before the resolution. Yet you must allow them to happen, to spare them a greater suffering.

So, with a heavy heart, you stay where you are, and wait.

This is the narrator rock. The plot has gotten so confusing that I have no idea who I'm even narrating for any more.

So instead of trying to untangle this hideous mess, I've decided to narrate a completely different story that will have nothing whatsoever to do with Zoostuck, and once that wraps up we can attempt to sort through the mess going on here.

Now, what's this story going to be about?

A man, a plan, a canal: Panama!

spiiiinjitsu?! :3

A man, a plan, a canal: Panama!

spiiiinjitsu?! :3

You are now Theodore Roosevelt.

As a result of some intricate political maneuvering, you have purchased a French project to dig a canal through Central America in order to connect the Atlantic and Pacific oceans. However, the project has made less progress than you had hoped, and frankly it looks like their whole process is in need of an overhaul.

Your new plan is to use the renowned martial art of Spinjitsu to finish digging the canal, but there's a problem. While you are personally quite skilled in Spinjitsu, it would take you months of spinning to dig your way across the continent. You estimate you'd need at least a dozen people with skill comparable to your own to finish the project on a reasonable schedule.

So where are you going to find enough skilled Spinjitsu artists?

craigslist

pigeon male

craigslist

It's 1903 or something like that! There's no Craig's Lists or any of that newfangled stuff. That's not coming until the year 2000 because Jogh Edgebert is too uncreative to advance technology in anything other than 10-year increments, or 100 years if you lived before the 20th century.

Not that you actively know this, seeing as you live in a universe where everyone is even less cool and creative than he is, but regardless this Craig and his lists are outside your field of experience.

pigeon male

But carrier pigeons aren't! And it so happens that you have a particularly bright boy right here. You tie a message to his leg saying that you need volunteers with Spinjitsu experience for a project at Panama, and then you wait.

And wait.

It occurs to you that pigeon could be flying for a while. You could start spinjitsu-digging the canal while you wait, but you've also got Presidenting to do at some point.

Is there any way you can speed up this process?

so basically, jogh is sid meier

good to know

I guess the best thing to do is found a city and join it as a super specialist that adds 32677 food, shields and commerce every turn

I guess the best thing to do is found a city and join it as a super specialist that adds 32677 food, shields and commerce every turn

Of course! After all, making a whole city is way faster than digging a canal. You just need to name it, put down a marker, and then, well, you aren't sure on the exact details but you're sure everything else will take care of itself.

But there's two problems. First of all, seeing as you're already President of the United States, you can't also be the mayor of this new city, so you're going to have to pick out somebody else to serve in that position until things are set up for the first election. Second, the city's going to need a name.

So what's this city going to be called, and who's going to be Acting Mayor?

Why change policy now? Leave the task of naming, governance and pacification to the foremost multinational company in this area. They can call it Sugarville or Banana City or something, and the mayor can be a gunboat captain

Oh, of course! This is going to be a company town. You just need to head over to the nearest company and get them to sign some papers.

Except, when you arrive there you find a big sign saying "COLOMBIAN OIL", which means they're probably still under Colombian ownership, which means they're probably not too happy about that whole thing where you lent support to the Panamanian rebels so you could have the support of the local government when you built this canal. So they might run you off the property before you can explain that you want to give them a city.

How are you going to handle this?

The president works in the District of Columbia, so obviously Columbian ownership is your ownership. How is this even a problem?

The president works in the District of Columbia, so obviously Columbian ownership is your ownership. How is this even a problem?

If you were more creative, you might note the subtle difference between Colombia and Columbia and be able to extrapolate from that to realize that this is a terrible idea.

However, since you're less creative than Jogh Edgebert you go along with this, and are promptly tossed out on your ear when the owners recognize you. It looks like you'll need to get uncreative in a different way.

with more gunboats, duh

obviously it has columbia in its name, which is bad, so you should liberate it from the rude nationalist forces controlling it to make way for free enterprise, by selling off the facilities to the highest US bidder and giving Colombia a paltry renumeration that you force them to accept at the point of a gunboat

it's all so simple you wonder why you even asked

And that way is violence! Specifically with gunboats.

Except wouldn't you know it, you forgot to bring the gunboats here. You knew you were forgetting something. You'd send a carrier pigeon back to Washington asking for one, but you already sent your only carrier pigeon off to gather people who know Spinjitsu like you do.

Maybe if there were some way to conduct violence without gunboats, like a powerful martial art you were skilled in, you could come up with an alternative. But devising such a method would require creativity you don't have. So how are you going to handle this?

besides, how would you get the gunboats inland without the canal? it's a vexing paradox

gunballonns

besides, how would you get the gunboats inland without the canal? it's a vexing paradox

Oh, right, you're further from the ocean than you realized. Confound it, there's just one complication after another. But you still can't even order out the gunboats!

gunballonns

Then, suddenly, a brilliant idea strikes you. Gunballoons! All you need are some guns and some balloons and you can properly threaten this corporation!

But where are you going to get either of those things in Panama?

steal them from the united states of america

steal them from the united states of america

Steal? You are the President of the United States, you do not steal from patriotic Americans. You requisition their goods in the national interest.

Regardless, you'd have to go all the way to the border to get anything from back in the US, and you just don't have the time for that.

> Run a short con on an unsuspecting sap

On the other hand, duping a Panamanian or whatever you call them out of their hard-earned guns and balloons is totally the American way. You just need to find someone... oh, hey, what's this? There's a small stand over there with a sign on it saying "ALEJANDRO'S GUNS AND BALLOONS".

Fortunately there's no language barrier in this universe because Jogh Edgebert was too uncreative to come up with languages other than English. So how are you going to con this unsuspecting sap out of his guns and balloons?

say you'll give him hawaii

hawaii is a secret spice