Zoostuck 3

Stick the nametag on the lawyer. He's John now. Bye.

Perfect. You'll hoist this overzealous lawman by his own petard, or rather your own name. As he draws near, you slap the nametag on him, turning his name into John Egbert.

That's only a temporary solution, however. You will need to regain your name in order to properly reboot the universe. While the lawyer is looking in shock at the nametag on his shirt, you have a brief chance to act.

Feed him to an ABYSS

So you toss him into the approaching maw of the legal abyss. Hopefully once it's done with him you can retrieve your name. If not, well, you'll just devise another brilliant plan when the time comes.

Meanwhile, Pooplord appears to have beaten the giant bat into submission with the sheer force of his stupidity. This could be a problem, as no doubt once he finishes with that small matter, he will turn his attention to you.

How will you defend yourself against him?

wham, bam, thank you ma'am

wield the abyss, and in doing so, become john

wield the abyss, and in doing so, become john

Of course! If Pooplord can gain ridiculous and nonsensical powers, then so can you! You grasp the abyss and...

And you can't actually hold it because it is not a tangible thing. It seems that the narrative is not willing to grant you the same ridiculous powers it granted your hated nemesis.

Well. You will not stand for this... wait, is that Pooplord coming this way...

wham, bam, thank you ma'am

WHAM!

BAM!

THANK YOU MA'AM!

Yes. Yes, it was Pooplord, and he has used turned his stupidity-powered onomatopoeia upon you. Indeed, if not for the fact that your newly-acquired moonglasses apparently offer resistance against stupidity-aligned attacks, you would likely be dead by now.

You are going to need to enact some sort of plan, and you will need to enact it quickly. Most likely it will involve these glasses and their mysterious powers that you have not yet unlocked the secrets of.

What is your next move?

katana

katana

What, no, the katana is the specialty of someone who you have not seen at all in this version of the timeline. If you could bring the proper universe into existence you could ask them for aid, but if you could bring the proper universe into existence you wouldn't be in this mess.

Oh, wait. The moonglasses are glowing. It seems something is about to occur.

Ah, yes. You can feel it. This is - well, not the entirety of the universe you were trying to bring about, but it is a small space with the same properties. Which means your wind powers are accessible again. Oh, and also your name is restored, as Madden's lawyers have no jurisdiction over extrauniversal spaces.

And if you have powers, you may as well show them off.

katana

Admittedly, you prefer a hammer, but shaping the winds into a katana that can slice through anything is sufficiently potent. You strike Pooplord as he draws near and...

SLICE!

There you are. You have surgically removed his narrative powers that allow him to reshape stupidity into onomatopoeic damage. In the process, you have also transferred the narrative lock back to him, because you do not trust any rock narrators.

Wait, what?

You are now Zoosmell Pooplord again and you are in a space that mimics the properties of the universe Eggbrains wants to bring into existence. And he's using ridiculous wind powers. Oh, and he has those moonglasses on, which are glowing weirdly.

This looks an awful lot like a final boss encounter. Which means your stupid plan worked perfectly! Now all you have to do is find some way to beat this guy who's basically you except smarter and with a name that isn't stupid and also wind powers and the assistance of a mysterious artifact and...

Well, uh, you're going to need some kind of plan for this. What's it going to be?

the real plan is the friends you made along the way

the real plan is the friends you made along the way

Of course! You need the support of all the friends you made along the course of your adventure!

Except, well, you're kind of a loser so you don't really have any friends... wait, is that a four-armed three-legged lizardperson riding into the arena on a refrigerator?

It is, and they're soon followed by Bud Muckman and some guy with a bad idea ray, Ryan North in a flying car, that old martial arts guy and a tornado, a weird UFO-thing with a human face on it, a shaved dog, a spider detective with lightning powers, and that guy who rules the sun with an iron fist but insists it's the moon.

Okay, yeah, this is the kind of stupid environment you thrive in. Chances are that none of these people will listen to anything you say, but they'll make everything more chaotic and give your stupid plans a chance to work. In fact, the lizard is already farting in Eggboard's face. Which is totally gross.

Still, though, some degree of coordination is needed. But you have no leadership skills, so you're not going to be able to arrange that. If the narrator could switch between the various characters, maybe you could set something up, but the viewpoint's been locked onto you.

Unless you have some sort of idea for fixing that, of course.

impersonate them

impersonate them

The only idea you have is acting like you think your allies would, or maybe like you hope they would, and, uh, well, you're not actually sure how that would help with the problem, but that's what you've got.

You decide to start with the lizard alien, since you hung around with them for the most time.

But wait a second, you've only got two arms and two legs. You can probably handle the farting part, but the rest is more complicated. How are you going to solve this problem?

writing those drow ranger selfcestfanfiction

do everything you do with your arms and left leg twice

Clams

do everything you do with your arms and left leg twice

You attempt to imitate the extra limbs through repetition, but this just kind of throws you off balance. It isn't long before you fall flat on your face.

As you lie there, staring at the ground as an exciting battle rages around you, you are left with just one thought.

Clams

Clams. What is with those things? How do they even survive long enough to reproduce? Seriously, that's just weird.

Oh, and, uh, there's a lot of clams flowing into this space. Now that you think about it, the end of the previous universe involved a whole bunch of crustaceans showing up. Of course, that mess ended up just bringing this uncreative universe into existence, so you have no idea if the clams are a good sign or a bad one.

What are you going to do about all these clams?

clam up

clam down

clam up

clam down

You just lose it and throw clams upward and then downward and you repeat it because you're acting like you've got four arms and before you know it you're just juggling clams.

This isn't really accomplishing much of anything, but Eggbarf over there seems to be really annoyed by your stupid antics. He just effortlessly disperses the tornado because what was it thinking fighting a guy with command over wind and then rushes over towards you.

"I grow weary of your inanities," he says. "You may have thwarted me before, but that was in a universe that no longer exists. I will not fall so easily this time."

He's about to swing his wind-katana at you. You panic and just throw a bunch of clams at him.

"Gah! This is undignified!"

Oh, cool, he's distracted now, this would be a good time to do something. Uh, what's that going to be?

think

spinjitsu

think

Think? You don't have time to think! You're not even very good at thinking! The only time you've ever managed to accomplish anything was when you did something stupid, or occasionally when you've willed something stupid to happen... ow! Oh, right, Eggblood's here and you have to stop him.

Well, it's time to do what you're good at... namely, doing stupid things.

spinjitsu

Such as attempting a nonsensical martial art that you don't know anything about! You spin rapidly in Eggbite's general direction, wrapping the wind around you as you do.

The old martial artist guy seems to be shouting something about how your technique is all off, but you don't have the attention span to listen to it. You're just focused on spinning your way through Eggbuild's defenses.

Except he touches you lightly with one finger as you approach and you just stop spinning. Uh-oh.

But wait. You felt something happen as you were spinning. A presence. There was someone else there, and they connected with you.

You are now the tornado.

You were dispersed by the kid in the moonglasses because he has total command of wind, but the other kid who looks just like him somehow bonded with you through an incompetent spinjitsu attempt. You've reformed now, though the moonglasses kid hasn't realized it yet.

Anyways, it seems that your bond with the dumb kid has allowed you to bypass the narrative lock, so you've got an opportunity to do something now. You'd better make the most of it.

So what are you going to do, bearing in mind that the moonglasses kid can disperse you again with little effort?

WRECK SOME SHIT

TORN ADOS

WRECK SOME SHIT

TORN ADOS

Of course! You're a highly skilled student of a complex and intricate martial art, so the natural thing to do is BREAK EVERYTHING IN SIGHT!

You start spinning around and tearing up the arena. By the time Moonglasses Kid realizes what you're doing, you've already seriously torn the place up.

Naturally, this has made Moonglasses Kid angry, and he attempts to disperse you... but you only feel a mild pull. Apparently you've wrecked this place so much that you're interfering with the extrauniversal properties of it so his wind powers aren't as strong. This was totally what you planned all along even though you don't understand that explanation at all!

In fact, you did so much damage that you snapped open the narration lock, even though that doesn't have a physical presence at all! You can now be someone else on the battlefield. Who's it going to be?

The old spinjitsu master

The old spinjitsu master

Sounds good.

You are now the spinjitsu master. Your student has come far, and you are pleased. Although his technique could use a little refinement - spinjitsu isn't just about mass damage, after all.

Regardless, while it is very important that your student learn enough to follow in your footsteps as a spinjitsu master, it is more important that you save the universe. Of course, being a wise mentor figure, you know what must be done to restore the proper balance of the universe. But this knowledge also limits you, for you can only pass this knowledge on to others through cryptic hints that they will not understand.

So what cryptic message will you pass along, and to whom will you address it?