Zoostuck 3

prison break

you want to nonlethally explode the universe before it implodes

I'd forgotten about you. You need to explode absolutely EVERYTHING

you want to nonlethally explode the universe before it implodes

Oh, well, yeah, that's your life's dream and all that. But it doesn't explain what you're doing at this prison.

prison break

Oh, right! Pretty much everyone here has been unjustly imprisoned for defying some jerk who was the coolest person in the universe back before he died. You kind of remember it being impossible to kill him, but whatever. So you figured you'd just blow the walls down and let everyone out. After all, what could possibly go wrong?

You start setting up the nonlethal explosions to let everyone out.

You are now the worst possible person to let out of this prison. Who are you, again?

the boogeyman

be homura

the boogeyman

be homura

Ah, yes. You are Homura, the Boogeyman, the creature Jogh Edgebert most feared when he was alive. And with good reason.

You've been stewing in your cell for so long that you nearly forgot there was an outside world, but the non-lethal explosion knocking down your walls has served as a dramatic reminder.

You are free now. Free to inflict unspeakable horrors upon this world. Horrors such as... such as...

All that time imprisoned seems to have affected your memory. What is the terrifying thing that you have been waiting to do ever since this universe was created?

lick a dog... uh, i mean, kick a dog. i think

the ultra pretzel suplex

lick a dog... uh, i mean, kick a dog. i think

Yes! You're going to lick... kick... brick? You're definitely doing something to a dog, you just need to remember what.

the ultra pretzel suplex

Oh. Of course.

You're going to ultra pretzel suplex a dog. Time to go and find one!

You are now the dog. With your mission complete, you can finally get your hair cut so you can stop all this sweating that you're apparently not supposed to be physically capable of, but the barber is unconscious and...

Um.

Well, he's less unconscious now, but you're pretty sure a human's eyes aren't supposed to be glowing ominously as though he's possessed by a supernatural creature that wants to ultra pretzel suplex you.

What are you going to do about this?

hameru protect meduka

wait wait, see where he's going with this...

wait wait, see where he's going with this...

You have to admit, you're not exactly an expert in human behaviors. Maybe this is a prelude to apologizing for cutting your hair without your consent. Or perhaps he wants to offer you a doggie treat. Or...

Or he could be ultra pretzel suplexing you, but doing it really awkwardly because the body he's possessing isn't built for it.

You are now the barber. You are possessed by the boogeyman. You are stalling, narrator. And the Third Person is growing weary of it.

I'm not stalling! I just jump around plotlines a lot. Why do you even care?

The Third person would prefer to have his triumph narrated by his greatest foe.

Well tough beans. You're a barber and... uh... you're dead because a giant bat just tore you apart.

And there will be no further distractions. The Pooplord boy will confront the Third Person, and he will lose.

You are now Zoosmell Pooplord and I guess you can't be anyone else now. You're supposed to find this guy's missing refrigerator but how are you going to... uh... a giant bat just showed up.

How are you going to handle this?

While we're busy thinking about what to do, the Third Person will have already won.

Who is that bat? Maybe they are a friend.

Who is that bat? Maybe they are a friend.

You don't think so, considering they're waving a scythe around menacingly. You're getting a distinct feeling that this is a major villain, one you're not ready for.

While we're busy thinking about what to do, the Third Person will have already won.

Well, that's pessimistic. You don't even know who the Third Person is! Wait, is it that bat with the scythe, that might be possible.

"I AM VICTORIOUS!"

Oh. Shoot. Looks like that pessimistic suggestion was right... wait a minute... that triumphant voice sounds really familiar.

You and the bat turn to see Joe Eggbeater holding up the moonglasses and laughing maniacally. Somehow your plan to make him the final boss worked without you really doing anything.

The Pooplord child is incorrect. This has not invalidated the Third Person's goal. It has merely made the moonglasses more accessible. The Third Person flies towards Egbert, in order to destroy the accursed moonglasses once and for all.

Uh-oh. You should probably help your evil version so that you can defeat him. But how are you going to do that?

One should think it would be a good moment for the entrance of the Fourth Person.

One should think it would be a good moment for the entrance of the Fourth Person.

The Third Person rejects this nonsensical suggestion. "One" is merely a generic third-person perspective, not a fourth-person...

POW!

One is now the Fourth Person. One has used their deep connection to the stupidity of the universe to redefine one's narrative role. One is now manifesting that stupidity in physical form in order to defeat the Third Person.

Impossible! The Pooplord child has no capacity to ascend to a narrative construct! This wasn't foreshadowed at all!

BAM!

One should never assume that any event is too stupid for this story.

You are now Zoosmell Egbert.

Zoosmell Pooplord, who you utterly despise, has somehow gained fourth-person narration powers and is beating up a giant bat with third-person narration powers. This change in his status has released the narration lock upon him and transferred it to you. Your newly-acquired Moonglasses make you aware of this.

Your goal remains unchanged: to bring this universe in line with the vision of the greatest webcomic artist of all time. However, in order to accomplish this you're going to have to do something about all of these narrative entities, because they are simply getting in the way of the real story.

How will you accomplish this?

more onomatopoeias

Act Five

more onomatopoeias

WHAM!

Those appear to be under Pooplord's control somehow. Through the lenses of your moonglasses, you can see that they are constructed from pure stupidity - a force that only Pooplord could be capable of harnessing.

And it is most certainly not a force you intend to meddle with. At this rate, Pooplord will overcome the bat, but then you won't really have any way to compete with him. Not unless you learn how to harness the power of the moonglasses.

Act Five

Of course. What better way to deal with troublesome narrators than to take control of the story yourself - wait, no, that's a bad idea, forget we said anything, uh-oh it's too late.

You will begin Act Five of this tale, and turn it into a more suitable one.

But! But, you cannot simply start an act on a moment's whim. You need to do something dramatic in order to trigger a shift. Something dramatic... such as reclaiming your name.

Perfect. With your name restored from its current frustrating state, and the power of the moonglasses, you are sure to be unstoppable.

So how will you return your name to its rightful status?

Wear a nametag

frustrating legal procedure

frustrating legal procedure

Of course. If you're going to get a name change, you'll need to work through the bureaucracy. Fortunately, as Madden is now dead, he shouldn't be blocking the use of his name.

The only issue is that there's no legal office nearby and you can't exactly ask these two narratively powerful beings to excuse you while you get your name changed. You'll need something more immediate.

Wear a nametag

Ah, of course. A nametag.

You have one from the convention, which you never bothered to fill out. Your foresight is incredible, as you knew it would always come down to this...

All right, no, you admit it, you just didn't want to write "Zoosmell" on a nametag, or "Johnsmell" either. Regardless, you start writing "John" on it.

Before you know it, however, a lawyer is rushing towards you with what looks like a cease and desist order. Wonderful. It seems Madden isn't going to allow death to interfere with his stupid monopolies.

How will you deal with this inconvenience?

Feed him to an ABYSS

Stick the nametag on the lawyer. He's John now. Bye.