Zoostuck 3

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the dog

Ah, yes, the dog that sweats because Jogh Edgebert doesn't really understand canine physiology.

You are now that dog and you still have a vaguely defined important mission that involves not getting your hair cut. This seems like a narratively appropriate time to reveal it.

The true nature of your important mission is...

Go to page 26

...that you have been hiding Page 26 in your hair this whole time and you couldn't get your hair cut because that might expose or damage it?

Seriously? How does that even work, numbers don't go that high any more, and the whole excuse behind Page 24's significance was that it was Edgebert's favorite number...

But twenty-six is mine.

Um. Who said that... oh, the remains of the previous narrator are glowing a strange color, I guess it's narrating from beyond the grave.

Indeed I am. I was aware of the possibility of a threat to the narration itself, so I prepared the dog with a page that would let me return. And it is clear what must be done now.

Well, if you say so.

Think about it, new one. With all the scheming and counter-scheming, can it be mere coincidence that I was replaced with you? That there is something I can do that you cannot?

I... of course. It makes perfect sense, or at least as much as anything makes sense in this adventure.

Indeed. Permit me, then, to narrate for the one individual who can save this universe from destruction.

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson

You are now Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.

Except, for the last few months, your name has been Dwayne "The Rock" Zoosmellson for reasons beyond your comprehension.

But this is a minor problem compared to the universe falling apart around you. You have a feeling that you should do something about that. More accurately, you have a feeling that you are the only one who can.

How, then, will you save this universe?

LIFT!

LIFT!

Of course. Like a modern day Atlas, you will shoulder the burden of the world. Well, the whole universe, and you're not going to be a jerk who hands it off to the first sap he can convince to lift it for him, but the basic point remains.

You hold your hands up high, and the universe stands firm.

For now.

The Third Person finally regains his composure, and punches Satan in the snout, knocking him back into the story.

You are now Satan and your nose really hurts.

Recent events have changed little for the Third Person. The collapse of this universe is no longer imminent, but it will only last as long as Zoosmellson's strength remains.

All this changes for the Third Person is the schedule. It is necessary to destroy the moonglasses actively, rather than passively.

But no individual in this universe can stand up to him.

Ahem! You are now Satan and your nose really hurts and you want to get back at this jerk. However, your newly developed narration senses tell you that you won't be the viewpoint character for very long, so you'll probably be better off using these moments to somehow aid a future viewpoint character.

How are you going to do that?

>CHO HENSHIN into a Kamen Rider

>CHO HENSHIN into a Kamen Rider

Ah, of course. The extremely forbidden power that allows you to change into your ultimate form. You were saving that for the final showdown with God, but eh, you were probably going to lose that one anyways. Besides, you've got other options for that particular final battle, provided the universe lasts long enough for it to happen.

So instead you shout "CHO HENSHIN!" and transform into Maskimum Satan, gaining an even more devilish mask and bodysuit. Also your collection of dollar bills butts gather themselves together to form a super-awesome motorcycle for you to ride on.

You hop on your Buttcycle and ride directly at the Third Person who simply flies out of the way because a ground-based attack is obviously ineffective against a giant bat.

Behind your mask, you grin. You know full well that your Buttcycle isn't restricted to the ground. You make a big spin and turn around, launching yourself in midair towards the Third Person, leaping from your Buttcycle to tackle him but he reacts quickly enough to dodge, and Satan simply plummets towards the ground. More specifically, the pedestal with the moonglasses on them.

Oh no. You are not letting this jerkface push you around with his cheating narration. Your Buttcycle speeds up and catches you in midair just in time for the Third Person to crush Satan against it.

You are now the Buttcycle. Satan has been killed, but you still exist. You need to grant yourself to someone, and...

Zoosmell Pooplord. Who else.

I hadn't finished, but okay. You have to grant yourself to Zoosmell Pooplord somehow in order to thwart the Third Person's plans. How are you going to do that?

He's right there.

Just go really fast until the scene transitions to Zoosmell, at which point you should be going fast enough that you will ride into the new scene.

You need to merge with the delorean

Just go really fast until the scene transitions to Zoosmell, at which point you should be going fast enough that you will ride into the new scene.

Of course! With your speed you can blaze through the story itself to reach your destination! You start zooming forward and...

are halted by a narrative barrier the Third Person set up in anticipation of an attempt to speed through the story.

Dammit! You could break through this barrier, but you'd have to be even faster!

You need to merge with the delorean

Wait. There's another high-speed vehicle in this story! If you can find it and merge with it, you should have the speed you need to travel anywhere! You begin speeding around the area until you find the Delorean, then ride right into it and power up into the Buttlorean, the ultimate ride!

Now you can blaze through the story and find Zoosmell Pooplord! You start speeding towards the barrier again and...

He's right there.

Oh. Zoosmell Pooplord's right there at that desk. You just need to get his attention somehow.

How are you going to do that?

crash into the desk

cartwheel

crash into the desk

Hell yeah! (Not being an actual denizen of Hell, you don't substitute the word like Satan does.) If that desk is keeping Zoosmell from doing the stupid things he needs to do, you'll just take it out of the picture!

You are now Zoosmell Pooplord and a familiar car covered in dollar bills with "BUTTS" written on them has just smashed your desk. It's opening its doors, and there's nobody inside.

How are you going to handle this?

cartwheel

You attempt to cartwheel inside the car, which is clearly meant for your use, but you do a terrible job of it and just awkwardly trip into the car instead. Either way, the doors shut and it starts driving.

But where is it driving to?

miami, fucking miami

miami, fucking miami

The car goes speeding off to Miami. You have no idea why... wait, is that Dwayne "The Rock" Zoosmellson holding up the universe? Does he even live in Miami?

You are now Dwayne "The Rock" Zoosmellson again. A child with a stupid name has just pulled up in front of you in a very fast car covered in dollar bills with "BUTTS" written on them. You can hold up the universe with one hand just long enough to provide him with a gift that will be of great importance on his quest, which will hopefully stabilize the universe so you don't need to keep holding it together.

What is this special gift?

its me solaris

its me solaris

its me solaris

Yes, of course. What could you pass along but the greatest gift in all creation, Solaris. You pull them out of your pocket and hand them over to the stupidly-named child.

You have no idea where this is going but you are sure it will be essential to stopping the universal collapse.

You are now Zoosmell Pooplord and you are very confused by everything that's just happened. You feel like you're supposed to use this super-fast car and this... bunny?... to save the universe in an exciting final confrontation.

But you're not any good at exciting final confrontations! You suffered a really embarrassing loss in the last one you were involved in and the universe became incredibly uncool and uncreative as a result. The only exciting final confrontation you managed to succeed in was the one against Eggface or whatever his name was.

Wait a minute. That's it!

If Egglegs is the only villain you can win a final confrontation with, you'll just have to turn him into the final boss somehow!

But, uh, how are you going to do that?

eggface has the anti-solaris, obviously

eggface has the lunarian

eggface has the anti-solaris, obviously

eggface has the lunarian

Of course! Since you have this bunny or whatever that's somehow associated with the sun, all you have to do is get Eggman its lunar counterpart and a convoluted series of events is sure to lead the two of you into a climactic final battle.

Wait, wasn't he going after moonglasses? You kind of remember him monologuing about that at some point when he didn't think you were listening. Those will probably help him create the moon-bunny.

Oh right, those are the prize in that tournament, and the Third Person is trying to destroy them, and he could, in fact, be doing at this very moment because the narration isn't in that general area, and you know all this because a rock is narrating it omnisciently and figures whatever arcane secrets of narration it may inadvertently reveal to you will be quickly forgotten because you have a very short attention span.

Also the Delorean just drove you back to the tournament while you were forgetting the arcane secrets of narration. So you've got to somehow stop that bat guy from disrupting the tournament that you brought into existence with your power to make stupid things happen, and also somehow have that Eggbuilder guy win the tournament so he gets the prize so he can be the final boss so you can defeat him again.

What's your next move?

try running him over

try running him over

Of course! You've got this superpowered Buttmobile, so you can just run over the bat guy and...

The Buttmobile suddenly starts talking and informs you that it's the Buttlorean and also that it tried ramming into the bat guy already and that didn't work.

Darn it! What good is it to have a super-fast demonically enhanced car that can travel through time if you can't run over the bad guy in it?

Well, shoot. You're going to have to find some other way to stop him from, uh, doing whatever it is he's doing. What is he doing, anyways?

The Third Person is poisoning the catered food so that the contestants will consume it after the first round is complete, and be unable to finish the tournament.

Oh. Hey, that was really helpful of him to explain.

It was necessary. Had he left that question unresolved, extrauniversal forces would have answered it for him. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to continue narrating for the Rock holding up the universe.

You're getting a little confused by these multiple narrators, but if you set things up right, you won't have to worry about them once you turn Eggbeater into the final boss. So, what are you going to do about this nefarious plan to poison the catering you're supposed to be in charge of?

Unmask the bat!

Unmask the bat!

Of course! Since a giant bat couldn't possibly exist, it must be someone wearing a mask! You drive over and grab hold of his enormous bat ears only for Pooplord's clumsy hands to slip off due to his sheer incompetence. The Third Person turns towards the useless boy, irritated at his futile attack. The Third Person prepares to strike but your car drives into him and gives you time to get up and run!

You come to the conclusion that you're probably not going to be able to beat this guy, since he's not Eggleheimer. Still, your car seems to be keeping him busy, so maybe you can use this time to somehow help your alternate self win this tournament and become the final boss.

How are you going to do that?